Timetoheal12

My brother has been making some arrangements so when and if my A father gets sick we won't have to deal with money issues. The last time he visited us (he is a doctor) he saw how A father seems to be tired all the time, wich is true. His father (our grandpa) died of cirrhosis, so my brother thought we must be prepared.
I have mixed feelings about all of this. I am scared. I just don't see him as my father, but I definitely don't want to be a bad person during his sickness.
It's just that my whole life he never wanted to do a thing for me and I somehow need to feel motivated to do something for him if he does get sick.
I need to think about this a lot. I feel like my life is stuck with what others want from me.
I am stressed over something that I dunno when will happen, or if it will. My brother ordered many studies for my father, so we'll have to wait.

I feel like I'm 30 when I'm 21. I feel tired and bored. These times are not easy. A dad keeps drinking and he will never stop.

hopeful4

It sounds like your brother is handling it, so why don't you just step back and let him do so? That is not being selfish on your own part, it's self preservation.

XXX

Butterfly

((((Hugs))))

I agree with hopeful, look after yourself

LexieCat

Yes, unless you have reason to distrust your brother, let him handle things. You don't have to do anything, it doesn't sound like.

Nobody has been diagnosed with anything yet. And even people with cirrhosis can live for years and years, in some cases. Remember my second husband? Diagnosed with early cirrhosis and still drinking like a fish? Still alive and apparently not dependent on family, and it's been 17 years since his near-death experience and subsequent diagnosis.

Don't future-trip. Your dad may be around for a long time, however bad he looks.

jjj111

TTH, I really feel for you. My father was a lifelong alcoholic who drank until the end. He passed away from some combination of pancreatic cancer and cirrhosis at the age of 57. He had always been emotionally distant and abusive. So by the time that he told me he was dying, we had been estranged for years and I had a very hard time mustering much energy or sympathy for his final illness. I felt very guilty about this, but I have worked over the years on trying to forgive myself. My lack of sympathy and energy to care for him was in many ways a consequence of his drinking. Anyway, I think it's good that you are thinking through your feelings on this. Maybe in some way this is a silver lining of your encounter with your AXBF, that you have begun to see more clearly how your father's drinking affects you and your family?

Timetoheal12

Thanks everyone for your responses. Maybe I got nervous because I am not at home and I received a phone call from my brother explaining all of this.
But, yes, he is handling it very well.


I have another concern.
I was asked out recently why a guy who was attractive to me. By far I know he is a bit cocky, lazy (not as lazy as my ex, but still) and likes to drink to have fun (again: not as much as my ex, but still).
I also get the vibe that he feels like a womanizer, but I am not sure about that one as I don't know any of his exes yet.

Suddenly, my attraction towards him is disappearing... Is this normal? Am I overreacting to these "qualities" that remind me of exabf?
Should I give it a try? (By a "try" I mean, going out with this guy and get to know him some more).


I don't wish to fall in love for the wrong type of man again.
I also have to say that I feel good without having a relationship, and there are many things I want to do for myself.

In advance; thank you so much for listening/reading.

Timetoheal12

Yes, it definitely is. It wasn't until my first break up with that guy that my mother told my about my father's alcoholism...

jjj111

Does your father hide his drinking? Is that why your Mom had to tell you? Or had you just kind of accepted it as normal? You might learn a lot by reading around on the internet in literature for adult children of alcoholics. I have found material on the roles that children take on in alcoholic families especially interesting. Might help you to understand the dynamics of your family. It does sound like it might be easier to let your brother do what he's doing without getting super involved, but I do think it's good for you to start actively thinking about what your father's alcoholism means to you. One thing I think that children of alcoholics sometimes have problems with is trusting their guts--at least I know I did. When there is so much secrecy in a family and problems aren't openly discussed, we start to not believe it when our instincts tell us something is wrong, and we start to try to accept unacceptable behavior. It sounds like your gut is telling you this new guy isn't a worthy suitor. I think you should trust yourself on that.

LexieCat

No, I think you are developing some good instincts about guys who are probably bad news. You don't "owe" ANYONE a "chance"--remember that. If your attraction for him is fading, there's a good reason for that.

I mean, really, THINK about it. Why would you EVER try to "get over" the fact that you aren't attracted to someone for the sake of giving him a chance? There will be decent guys you WILL be attracted to, and if you're tied up with some loser you feel sorry for, you will miss out on those relationships.