Drowning
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 1
Drowning
Hi everyone. I know I should spend some time reading threads and finding my way around, but is it ok if I just unpack a little bit? I'm feeling really lost and hopeless right now and just need to vent a little...
My partner has an alcohol problem. She is not physically dependent by any means, but it is impacting our life. She was getting to the point where she would be drinking to the point of mild drunkeness almost daily. She isn't abusive, just annoying and embarrassing when drunk. Just turns a person who I don't want to be in a relationship with. She has driven while intoxicated, but hasn't been caught. Spends way too much of our money on booze. I am head over heels with her sober self. She is currently on her second try in the last 8 months of abstaining. She is away for work and I thought she was doing well, but she admitted she had two drinks tonight on the phone and she sounded like she has had more than that. I didn't get angry, just told her I loved her and that I would talk to her tomorrow.
I have a long history of alcoholism in my life. My father is an alcoholic (and was since my teens at least). Very similar situation. My ex also had similar problems (partly why I left). All three very high functioning (no abuse, no legal issues). I am starting to think that I am the problem. Neither my current gf or my ex were problem drinkers when we got together.
I just don't know how to handle this.
My partner has an alcohol problem. She is not physically dependent by any means, but it is impacting our life. She was getting to the point where she would be drinking to the point of mild drunkeness almost daily. She isn't abusive, just annoying and embarrassing when drunk. Just turns a person who I don't want to be in a relationship with. She has driven while intoxicated, but hasn't been caught. Spends way too much of our money on booze. I am head over heels with her sober self. She is currently on her second try in the last 8 months of abstaining. She is away for work and I thought she was doing well, but she admitted she had two drinks tonight on the phone and she sounded like she has had more than that. I didn't get angry, just told her I loved her and that I would talk to her tomorrow.
I have a long history of alcoholism in my life. My father is an alcoholic (and was since my teens at least). Very similar situation. My ex also had similar problems (partly why I left). All three very high functioning (no abuse, no legal issues). I am starting to think that I am the problem. Neither my current gf or my ex were problem drinkers when we got together.
I just don't know how to handle this.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Memphis TN
Posts: 68
Im glad you came here to vent! You are NOT the problem. Addiction turns beautiful people into ugly monsters. Someone should be here soon with more experience on alcohol and maybe better advice...but i am glad you came here for support! It's a great place.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi bolete, you can rest assured you're not the cause of them drinking. No-one can cause another to drink unless they tie them up and force feed them.
You may have a particular type you gravitate towards, or your ladies might have been hiding the true extent of their drinking when you met them and gradually relapsed.
Your partner doesn't sound serious about sobriety. Maybe she isn't convinced she has a problem, but because of your background it's a problem for you. It's a round peg, square hole situation and you can't live with that happily.
I can imagine your heart sinking when you realised she'd has those drinks. Can you keep this cycle up indefinitely?
You may have a particular type you gravitate towards, or your ladies might have been hiding the true extent of their drinking when you met them and gradually relapsed.
Your partner doesn't sound serious about sobriety. Maybe she isn't convinced she has a problem, but because of your background it's a problem for you. It's a round peg, square hole situation and you can't live with that happily.
I can imagine your heart sinking when you realised she'd has those drinks. Can you keep this cycle up indefinitely?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
Bolete - I understand what you are going through. Although my h is now sober, I'm still going through the same thing. I feel for you and I understand you.
I just spend an hour with our counselor who could not tell me enough it is not my problem. I am making it my problem, but I did not cause it. I contribute to it in different, unhealthy ways, but I did not create it or do I cause it.
Do you have a counselor or someone you can talk to, who has experience in this area? I have found speaking with a counselor who specializes in addiction to be most helpful, as he understands the mental and psychological aspects of the disease. Most times, he finishes my sentences so I truly know he understands what I mean, even if I'm having problems saying it.
I just spend an hour with our counselor who could not tell me enough it is not my problem. I am making it my problem, but I did not cause it. I contribute to it in different, unhealthy ways, but I did not create it or do I cause it.
Do you have a counselor or someone you can talk to, who has experience in this area? I have found speaking with a counselor who specializes in addiction to be most helpful, as he understands the mental and psychological aspects of the disease. Most times, he finishes my sentences so I truly know he understands what I mean, even if I'm having problems saying it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 7
Bolete - in the same boat. My boyfriend of 2 years is an alcoholic - cycles through brief periods of sobriety and then falls off the wagon. It's happened a million times. Sometimes I can even predict it. I adore him when he's sober. He's as close as anyone has come to feeling like a soul mate (if you believe in that sort of thing) and so I get so angry and crazy when he's drinking. I'm trying to follow the adage of "just take care of yourself" but it's really hard. I went to a couple of al-anon meetings, but I'm not sure that's for me. I was happy to find this thread and to read your post - thanks for sharing. It's good to hear from someone who's in a similar situation but hasn't left yet. I'm not at the point where I'm interested in leaving him. Maybe I'm crazy. I guess we'll see. He came home tonight completely hammered and passed out. Now I'm the one that can't sleep. Good luck to you and to me. Guess we gotta keep trying to care for ourselves and let our partners do their own work. It's the only way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
It's never your fault... You cannot MAKE someone else do something.
It sounds incompatible like the square peg, round hole analogy.
Me and my husband sound like this but although neither of us drink alcohol anymore (5 years him, almost 4 for me!) our reasons for stopping and our thinking is very different.
I cannot be in a 'proper' relationship with him because of this difference undermining my security in sobriety.
After living together for 8 years, married for 6, he moved out a few months ago.
I can't put ANYTHING above my sobriety.
If that means sacrificing my marriage to a man I have loved for over 20 years then that's what I choose over and above sacrificing myself to anyone else's truth I have to LIVE MY LIFE.
Point is you can't change other people, only ourselves and our reactions.
Counselling seems a good place to start on this dilemma
It sounds incompatible like the square peg, round hole analogy.
Me and my husband sound like this but although neither of us drink alcohol anymore (5 years him, almost 4 for me!) our reasons for stopping and our thinking is very different.
I cannot be in a 'proper' relationship with him because of this difference undermining my security in sobriety.
After living together for 8 years, married for 6, he moved out a few months ago.
I can't put ANYTHING above my sobriety.
If that means sacrificing my marriage to a man I have loved for over 20 years then that's what I choose over and above sacrificing myself to anyone else's truth I have to LIVE MY LIFE.
Point is you can't change other people, only ourselves and our reactions.
Counselling seems a good place to start on this dilemma
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