Buggirl

I am really sick of reflecting on my drinking days! I feel I have wasted so much time already, that I really want to put it all behind me! There is a big but though and that is too many things remind me of it all, well at least the bits I can remember or get told about! Is it normal to want to erase the past?

I am worried that I didn't really know who I was or who I am and feel a prisoner in my own skin!

I am 9 months sober now and can't stand this empty feeling! I don't crave alcohol and have now grown to loath it!

Anna

It took me more than a year before I could really begin putting the bad stuff behind me. It was a challenge for sure. I wish I had done some things differently, but I didn't and I learned from my missteps and mistakes. That's the most important thing. I expect you have learned from your past too and it sounds like you're really ready to move on. Have you tried journaling about the stuff you want to put aside? I eventually did that and it worked well.

Soberwolf

Congrats on 9 months BugGirl writing a journal helped & still helps me esp with reflection

PurpleKnight

It takes time to put the past behind us, but it will happen eventually!!

9 Months is fantastic!!

thomas11

Took me between 2-3 years for my mind to allow me to let go of my past indiscretions. It wasn't alcohol, but I was every bit as guilt ridden as if it were alcohol. It fades, you'll have to trust me on that one.

Buggirl

Thanks folks x

Berrybean

Hi Buggirl.

Are you in a sobriety program or going it alone?

I know what you mean, and I must admit that I still can't say I'm at the stage where I "no longer regret the past or wish to shut the door on it". However, working through the steps of AA and talking to others who understand me and who share their own experiences, strength and hope, has made all the difference. Step 4 and 5 in particular have really altered my perception of things, and helped me understand why I did some of the things that I used to hate myself for. I'm now confident that I can avoid repeating past mistakes, and knowing I am 'dealing' with things means that I don't have them whirling around my head and my memory all the time.

I hope you find the way to quiet your own thoughts soon. It sound like you are sober, but not 'recovering', and that's a lonely and frustrating place to find yourself. x

Buggirl

Thanks. This is the issue, I am sick of talking about it and I have stopped going to AA, maybe I should go?

DuhDave

"Maybe go back to AA" "?...yes, maybe you should. give your sobriety and your recovery every fighting chance you can possibly muster !

DD

Berrybean

Please do give it another go - trying different meetings is always worthwhile as the more people we meet, the more likelihood we have of hearing messages that will help us. I have recently started to go to a Big Book study meeting occasionally, as well as a 12 & 12 meeting (this is REALLY helpful) as well as my home group speakers meeting, where I've also started a small service position (literature) as well.

I did go through a phase where I felt that AA had stopped working. Well, someone HAD stopped working, and it wasn't AA. I was coasting. Just sitting in meetings listening to others sharing their experience, strength and hope - but it was like I expected the sobriety fairy to come and sprinkle me with recovery dust. Thankfully I realised that I needed to swallow my pride and ask for help (i.e. get a sponsor) which I found quite a painful thing to do. Then I had to get off my tush and start doing some work.

Recently I read this, which I find resonates with me far too much for my own comfort.... "The AA Big Book is not the solution to my problems. It is the description of the solution. The process of healing and sobriety is a doing process, not just a learning process."

Good luck. Keep posting xx