Narcissism
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Narcissism
I wrote the post below in my thread about a recent break-up, but I wanted to make it a new topic because I realize that I had never dealt with the issue of narcissism before and I found myself so easily reeled in by one. I am curious to hear about your experience with narcissism.
I wrote the list below to help remind of the negative traits of my ex boyfriend who recently broke up with me. I am doing ok with the break-up, but I am reeling a bit from the fact that I am still, after all this work I think I have done on my co-dependency (I was with axbf for six years), so very willing to ignore red flags. I am so easy to manipulate and willing to see good where there is too much bad. We were in a relationship for 6 month until one evening, after an argument about politics, he dropped the hammer that he has been seeing someone else. He lead me on and cheated. I did not suspect a thing.
The ex:
- He did not remember crucial information about my family. I had to tell him three times that my brother-in-law died of alcoholism because he kept forgetting (I have one sibling...)
- He rarely asked anything about my past
- He liked himself in the role of the caretaker, but I remember that there were several mornings on which I woke up and he had been up and was eating or had eaten and did not ask if I wanted breakfast (this was at his place)
- He thinks very highly of himself and is convinced he will be highly successful. He thinks he is smarter, more attractive, and more capable than he is
- He loves to be seen as wise and capable and will offer advice on things like relationships or success. But it's all formulaic ("work hard and you will be successful," "just do xyz and abc will happen"). He does not consider that people are individuals. When he offers advice, he often comes across as patronizing and condescending
- wants desperately to project an image of being capable, strong, smart, successful, and a caretaker
- Craves praise and wants admiration
- He is extremely competitive and wants to be the best at everything
- Has a difficult time with other people's emotions - does not want to deal with them
- He can be callous about people's struggles when he thinks that they brought them on themselves
- Judgmental about people he deems less capable or successful (while not being that successful himself...) - will judge people for being on welfare, for example
- After the break-up and following my comment that he lead me on, he wrote me an email (in which each individual point was numbered...) justifying why he did what he did. He did not once acknowledge that he did something wrong or should have done things differently. All he did was trying to look like a stand-up guy who supposedly cared about me and wanted to ease my pain. For this he fabricated a story (which contradicted earlier versions)
- I responded a week later, telling him that his behavior is inexcusable and he needs to own it and work on himself. Two days later he sends me a list of funny quotes we recorded during our Skype conversations with a note about how much we enjoyed collecting them and how witty and creative we are together and that they are good memories. Not a word about my email.
- He would have let me drive 9 hours to see him while he was seeing someone on the side and seems to think nothing of it
- At the same time he will lecture people on their "jerk boyfriends"
- He loves to white knight women
- I was (intuitively?) never comfortable talking about negative emotions or fears with him. I was worried I would be judged. Everything had to always be light and fun and carefree (which was fun for the honeymoon stage, but I did begin to miss seriousness and deeper connection)
- He will insist he is right even when it's clear he is not and it's obvious he is just reaching. He might later acknowledge his mistake, but now it feels more like another way of image-building ("see how I am growing and maturing")
- It's always always always about image
- He said once that he does not see the point of making an effort to keep in touch with friends if they don't have an immediate relevance to his life
I should say that these are not things that are overwhelmingly obvious. He was also, as contradictory as it sounds, attentive, perceptive, sweet, caring and he was lots of fun. We laughed a lot. And I have to say he did do wonders for my ego because he was always so smitten with me and told me I am just so amazing and beautiful, etc...
Now that I made this list I am shocked because I was able to explain so much of this away or outright ignore it (we did have arguments about his blatant judgment of people, but I thought it might just be his rigid conservative upbringing). I was so smitten myself with how easy and comfortable and fun everything was. I am not sure what happened there. I told a friend the story from beginning to end today and he just looked at me and said "sounds to me you had a narcissist on your hand." (Hi, my name is Kimmieh and I am the queen of denial...). My friend also found it interesting that he dropped the break-up bomb right after we had an argument about politics during which I severely challenged him and his viewpoints: "He said he had planned to tell you, but you had a normal conversation for two hours with no indication. And when you challenge his ego, he drops this on you."
We have had political arguments before, but never as heated. I was in a belligerent mood by that point and found his views outright ridiculous (far-fetched conspiracy theories). I guess this was really the first time in six months that I was not careful to be diplomatic and probably bruised his ego quite a bit.
What is your experience?
I wrote the list below to help remind of the negative traits of my ex boyfriend who recently broke up with me. I am doing ok with the break-up, but I am reeling a bit from the fact that I am still, after all this work I think I have done on my co-dependency (I was with axbf for six years), so very willing to ignore red flags. I am so easy to manipulate and willing to see good where there is too much bad. We were in a relationship for 6 month until one evening, after an argument about politics, he dropped the hammer that he has been seeing someone else. He lead me on and cheated. I did not suspect a thing.
The ex:
- He did not remember crucial information about my family. I had to tell him three times that my brother-in-law died of alcoholism because he kept forgetting (I have one sibling...)
- He rarely asked anything about my past
- He liked himself in the role of the caretaker, but I remember that there were several mornings on which I woke up and he had been up and was eating or had eaten and did not ask if I wanted breakfast (this was at his place)
- He thinks very highly of himself and is convinced he will be highly successful. He thinks he is smarter, more attractive, and more capable than he is
- He loves to be seen as wise and capable and will offer advice on things like relationships or success. But it's all formulaic ("work hard and you will be successful," "just do xyz and abc will happen"). He does not consider that people are individuals. When he offers advice, he often comes across as patronizing and condescending
- wants desperately to project an image of being capable, strong, smart, successful, and a caretaker
- Craves praise and wants admiration
- He is extremely competitive and wants to be the best at everything
- Has a difficult time with other people's emotions - does not want to deal with them
- He can be callous about people's struggles when he thinks that they brought them on themselves
- Judgmental about people he deems less capable or successful (while not being that successful himself...) - will judge people for being on welfare, for example
- After the break-up and following my comment that he lead me on, he wrote me an email (in which each individual point was numbered...) justifying why he did what he did. He did not once acknowledge that he did something wrong or should have done things differently. All he did was trying to look like a stand-up guy who supposedly cared about me and wanted to ease my pain. For this he fabricated a story (which contradicted earlier versions)
- I responded a week later, telling him that his behavior is inexcusable and he needs to own it and work on himself. Two days later he sends me a list of funny quotes we recorded during our Skype conversations with a note about how much we enjoyed collecting them and how witty and creative we are together and that they are good memories. Not a word about my email.
- He would have let me drive 9 hours to see him while he was seeing someone on the side and seems to think nothing of it
- At the same time he will lecture people on their "jerk boyfriends"
- He loves to white knight women
- I was (intuitively?) never comfortable talking about negative emotions or fears with him. I was worried I would be judged. Everything had to always be light and fun and carefree (which was fun for the honeymoon stage, but I did begin to miss seriousness and deeper connection)
- He will insist he is right even when it's clear he is not and it's obvious he is just reaching. He might later acknowledge his mistake, but now it feels more like another way of image-building ("see how I am growing and maturing")
- It's always always always about image
- He said once that he does not see the point of making an effort to keep in touch with friends if they don't have an immediate relevance to his life
I should say that these are not things that are overwhelmingly obvious. He was also, as contradictory as it sounds, attentive, perceptive, sweet, caring and he was lots of fun. We laughed a lot. And I have to say he did do wonders for my ego because he was always so smitten with me and told me I am just so amazing and beautiful, etc...
Now that I made this list I am shocked because I was able to explain so much of this away or outright ignore it (we did have arguments about his blatant judgment of people, but I thought it might just be his rigid conservative upbringing). I was so smitten myself with how easy and comfortable and fun everything was. I am not sure what happened there. I told a friend the story from beginning to end today and he just looked at me and said "sounds to me you had a narcissist on your hand." (Hi, my name is Kimmieh and I am the queen of denial...). My friend also found it interesting that he dropped the break-up bomb right after we had an argument about politics during which I severely challenged him and his viewpoints: "He said he had planned to tell you, but you had a normal conversation for two hours with no indication. And when you challenge his ego, he drops this on you."
We have had political arguments before, but never as heated. I was in a belligerent mood by that point and found his views outright ridiculous (far-fetched conspiracy theories). I guess this was really the first time in six months that I was not careful to be diplomatic and probably bruised his ego quite a bit.
What is your experience?
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Kimmieh, couldn't even read your entire post. I've been there, done that. Always trying to figure out the "why" in everything. Most times I think it was because I wanted validation. I wanted to know that I wasn't "crazy".
I went to a psychologist once with my ex. My ex actually said if I got upset with him that would make him mad. I guess that is what I go by. This guy also said my ex had an emotional IQ of a 5 year old and that if ex was willing to work with him, he might actually raise that to that of a 10 year old.
I spent over 20 years trying to figure out the right things to say, the right way to handle things, but I didn't realize I was dealing with the emotional maturity of a toddler.
This psychologist fired my ex as a patient, and so did the therapist before him.
Guess why I am responding, is stop doing the research in your mind, stop questioning. There aren't any answers. I spent about 25 years looking for answers, only to find out there weren't any.
I understand that you are hurt, I was also. I think sometimes the pain of the hurt of the loss is easier then the pain of the hurt of staying.
amy
I went to a psychologist once with my ex. My ex actually said if I got upset with him that would make him mad. I guess that is what I go by. This guy also said my ex had an emotional IQ of a 5 year old and that if ex was willing to work with him, he might actually raise that to that of a 10 year old.
I spent over 20 years trying to figure out the right things to say, the right way to handle things, but I didn't realize I was dealing with the emotional maturity of a toddler.
This psychologist fired my ex as a patient, and so did the therapist before him.
Guess why I am responding, is stop doing the research in your mind, stop questioning. There aren't any answers. I spent about 25 years looking for answers, only to find out there weren't any.
I understand that you are hurt, I was also. I think sometimes the pain of the hurt of the loss is easier then the pain of the hurt of staying.
amy
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I suspect my last ex (not an alcoholic--rarely drank, in fact) was borderline narcissistic. Well, he WAS narcissistic--I'm talking about something clinically diagnosable. He wasn't as bad as many I've read/heard about, but he was in the ballpark.
And yes, very good at keeping me hooked in. Or I was good at allowing myself to be hooked in. Or some combination thereof. I don't like to think about him, and rarely do, though we were together for five years. I'm just glad he's no longer my problem.
And yes, very good at keeping me hooked in. Or I was good at allowing myself to be hooked in. Or some combination thereof. I don't like to think about him, and rarely do, though we were together for five years. I'm just glad he's no longer my problem.
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Originally Posted by amy55 
Kimmieh, couldn't even read your entire post. I've been there, done that. Always trying to figure out the "why" in everything. Most times I think it was because I wanted validation. I wanted to know that I wasn't "crazy".
I went to a psychologist once with my ex. My ex actually said if I got upset with him that would make him mad. I guess that is what I go by. This guy also said my ex had an emotional IQ of a 5 year old and that if ex was willing to work with him, he might actually raise that to that of a 10 year old.
I spent over 20 years trying to figure out the right things to say, the right way to handle things, but I didn't realize I was dealing with the emotional maturity of a toddler.
This psychologist fired my ex as a patient, and so did the therapist before him.
Guess why I am responding, is stop doing the research in your mind, stop questioning. There aren't any answers. I spent about 25 years looking for answers, only to find out there weren't any.
I understand that you are hurt, I was also. I think sometimes the pain of the hurt of the loss is easier then the pain of the hurt of staying.
amy
I went to a psychologist once with my ex. My ex actually said if I got upset with him that would make him mad. I guess that is what I go by. This guy also said my ex had an emotional IQ of a 5 year old and that if ex was willing to work with him, he might actually raise that to that of a 10 year old.
I spent over 20 years trying to figure out the right things to say, the right way to handle things, but I didn't realize I was dealing with the emotional maturity of a toddler.
This psychologist fired my ex as a patient, and so did the therapist before him.
Guess why I am responding, is stop doing the research in your mind, stop questioning. There aren't any answers. I spent about 25 years looking for answers, only to find out there weren't any.
I understand that you are hurt, I was also. I think sometimes the pain of the hurt of the loss is easier then the pain of the hurt of staying.
amy
It's not so much trying to understand than to hold myself accountable for falling for someone I should have known is bad news. When I initially made the list, it was only to have a reminder of the reasons why this was never going to work out long term. A friend who I talked to pointed out that he sounded like a narcissist.
And right now I have to get things out of my system, just to process and put it in the right place for me.
And yes, it's fine that it's over. He has reached out to me because he has regrets, but I ignored him and will continue to do so. But I want to be aware of all the red flags I ignored so I don't ignore them again.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
I suspect my last ex (not an alcoholic--rarely drank, in fact) was borderline narcissistic. Well, he WAS narcissistic--I'm talking about something clinically diagnosable. He wasn't as bad as many I've read/heard about, but he was in the ballpark.
And yes, very good at keeping me hooked in. Or I was good at allowing myself to be hooked in. Or some combination thereof. I don't like to think about him, and rarely do, though we were together for five years. I'm just glad he's no longer my problem.
And yes, very good at keeping me hooked in. Or I was good at allowing myself to be hooked in. Or some combination thereof. I don't like to think about him, and rarely do, though we were together for five years. I'm just glad he's no longer my problem.
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Omg Kimm I have so much to share in my experience with a N... But it's hit a trigger and I have PTSD from it and I've been living with it for 50+ years. (my sister) all I know is once I knew what "it" was, I was relieved that I wasn't the crazy person after all. And the only thing I could do is go NC and no longer feed her supply.
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Originally Posted by Refiner
Omg Kimm I have so much to share in my experience with a N... But it's hit a trigger and I have PTSD from it and I've been living with it for 50+ years. (my sister) all I know is once I knew what "it" was, I was relieved that I wasn't the crazy person after all. And the only thing I could do is go NC and no longer feed her supply.
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Kim,
Sometimes we keep looking for answers I think just to make things right in are own heads.
It's like yes, I can almost say with no doubt in my mind that my ex has a borderline personality. I'll never know for sure.
I can go on all the forums that I want to go on, they sound exactly like him.
Thing is I wanted validation, I think you also need validation. Labels aren't the way to do it.
Looking at yourself, and having the best life that you can is the way to do it.
I hope you do know that you are a beautiful person. I can see it, and I am sure many people here can see that also. When are you going to see that?
I can relate to so much of what you are talking about. I guess sometimes I would prefer talking about you, and how wonderful you are, and how you are doing, instead of some sick guy, that sucked the blood right out of you.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
PS - I think you are terrific
Sometimes we keep looking for answers I think just to make things right in are own heads.
It's like yes, I can almost say with no doubt in my mind that my ex has a borderline personality. I'll never know for sure.
I can go on all the forums that I want to go on, they sound exactly like him.
Thing is I wanted validation, I think you also need validation. Labels aren't the way to do it.
Looking at yourself, and having the best life that you can is the way to do it.
I hope you do know that you are a beautiful person. I can see it, and I am sure many people here can see that also. When are you going to see that?
I can relate to so much of what you are talking about. I guess sometimes I would prefer talking about you, and how wonderful you are, and how you are doing, instead of some sick guy, that sucked the blood right out of you.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
PS - I think you are terrific
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I don't know if he's an N, but he doesn't sound that intelligent. He has a rigid world view and is unable to process anything that contradicts it, including you. If you can't process something you tend to avoid it.
He seems like a person who is desperate to control his environment, maybe a frightened child on the inside; if you began to move out of his control he had no choice but to remove you.
He seems like a person who is desperate to control his environment, maybe a frightened child on the inside; if you began to move out of his control he had no choice but to remove you.
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Originally Posted by amy55
Kim,
Sometimes we keep looking for answers I think just to make things right in are own heads.
It's like yes, I can almost say with no doubt in my mind that my ex has a borderline personality. I'll never know for sure.
I can go on all the forums that I want to go on, they sound exactly like him.
Thing is I wanted validation, I think you also need validation. Labels aren't the way to do it.
Looking at yourself, and having the best life that you can is the way to do it.
I hope you do know that you are a beautiful person. I can see it, and I am sure many people here can see that also. When are you going to see that?
I can relate to so much of what you are talking about. I guess sometimes I would prefer talking about you, and how wonderful you are, and how you are doing, instead of some sick guy, that sucked the blood right out of you.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
PS - I think you are terrific
Sometimes we keep looking for answers I think just to make things right in are own heads.
It's like yes, I can almost say with no doubt in my mind that my ex has a borderline personality. I'll never know for sure.
I can go on all the forums that I want to go on, they sound exactly like him.
Thing is I wanted validation, I think you also need validation. Labels aren't the way to do it.
Looking at yourself, and having the best life that you can is the way to do it.
I hope you do know that you are a beautiful person. I can see it, and I am sure many people here can see that also. When are you going to see that?
I can relate to so much of what you are talking about. I guess sometimes I would prefer talking about you, and how wonderful you are, and how you are doing, instead of some sick guy, that sucked the blood right out of you.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
PS - I think you are terrific
I am a researcher by profession, so I love to gather information and find evidence for things to do conclusions.
You are right, ultimately the label does not make the difference. He is who he is regardless of why. I know this is for the better and I also know that I was never deeply in love with him. My pride is hurt, especially since he pursued me (I was very reluctant to get involved) and told me how amazing I am throughout the relationship until the very end. I have known him for years and never suspected that he would cheat and lie like this, so I am still recovering from the shock.
Well, and then there is my co-dependent side that wants to make him a better person and help and understand, etc. But I have that pretty well under control.
I can relate to so much of what you are talking about. I guess sometimes I would prefer talking about you, and how wonderful you are, and how you are doing, instead of some sick guy, that sucked the blood right out of you.
This is petty of me, but it's only been 10 days, so I think I can be a bit petty. He has reached out because he misses me. I ignored him except for asking him to take my pictures off his facebook. It makes me feel good.
I think I am really quite ok. I am processing. I come here when I start to miss him and am sad to be reminded that there is not much of a loss.
But I am really also interested in narcissism in general and people's experience with it.
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
I don't know if he's an N, but he doesn't sound that intelligent. He has a rigid world view and is unable to process anything that contradicts it, including you. If you can't process something you tend to avoid it.
He seems like a person who is desperate to control his environment, maybe a frightened child on the inside; if you began to move out of his control he had no choice but to remove you.
He seems like a person who is desperate to control his environment, maybe a frightened child on the inside; if you began to move out of his control he had no choice but to remove you.
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Ok, let me tell you a story of my NPD A sister. It was two years ago close to Christmas that she drank herself until she started having seizures and ended up on life support. Prior to that she had kept falling down resulting in black eyes and probably undiagnosed concussions. While on life support in a coma, the doctors said she had about 20% shrinkage of the brain due to her drinking and possibly genetics as well. They said she DID have brain damage and when she wakes up would most likely have a different personality. Believe it or not, I was ELATED learning she could have a different personality! Would she be more compassionate towards people? Would she be a nicer person? After she woke up, went to outpatient rehab (for only a week), I gave her her space and told her I'd be there for her if she ever wanted to talk or if she needed anything. Fast forward a couple of months or more later when we talked here and there or texted I learned she was still who she was (NPD) but just a dulled down version. When she would text and brag about stuff (this time instead of it being about her husband's $250k salary or paying off her student loans) it was about her not having had a drink in X months. I had congratulated her profusely and asked what program she was in. She responded back curtly with "the NOT DRINKING program". That's when I knew that NOTHING had changed and I went from LC to NC. And I've never looked back. I think you're looking for validation and that's ok. When my Mom died 5 years ago, and all her best friends from another city came to say their goodbyes while she was passing (cancer), I got my validation on my NPD sister then. I guess even as a child she was NPD and treated my Mom HORRIBLY. I saw it starting as a teenager, but she was that way even as a CHILD! There's nothing you can do about it. NPD's don't see anything wrong with their ways and trying to discuss things with them is like trying to discuss things with an alcoholic who's drunk.
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Hi Kimmieh,
I am dealing with issues I have as a result of my addicted and narcissistic dad, and my therapist is helping me a lot, especially when I get into the "Why does he do this or that" thought patterns.
She explained that most people are not born narcissists, and therapists who are working with narcissists will try to get to the 'narcissistic wound.' In other words, your ex is really just a wounded child - hence the emotional capacity of a 5 year old. He will need to do the work to get better. Unfortunately, there's very little you can say or do other than what we already know - boundaries, boundaries, boundaries and remember you are essentially dealing with a child (emotionally). Hugs!!
ETA: I think your friend is right who is saying when you challenged your ex's ego, he kicked you to the curb. The ego is in charge of him. Anything that poses a threat to it will be eliminated. I have seen my dad throw many a friend and associate away because he felt they weren't 'loyal' to him (aka, blindly agreeing with everything he says, viewing him as a saint, and hating all the same people he does for perceived slights).
I am dealing with issues I have as a result of my addicted and narcissistic dad, and my therapist is helping me a lot, especially when I get into the "Why does he do this or that" thought patterns.
She explained that most people are not born narcissists, and therapists who are working with narcissists will try to get to the 'narcissistic wound.' In other words, your ex is really just a wounded child - hence the emotional capacity of a 5 year old. He will need to do the work to get better. Unfortunately, there's very little you can say or do other than what we already know - boundaries, boundaries, boundaries and remember you are essentially dealing with a child (emotionally). Hugs!!
ETA: I think your friend is right who is saying when you challenged your ex's ego, he kicked you to the curb. The ego is in charge of him. Anything that poses a threat to it will be eliminated. I have seen my dad throw many a friend and associate away because he felt they weren't 'loyal' to him (aka, blindly agreeing with everything he says, viewing him as a saint, and hating all the same people he does for perceived slights).
Last edited by Bern; 07-06-2015 at 08:44 AM. Reason: to add
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Originally Posted by Refiner
Ok, let me tell you a story of my NPD A sister. It was two years ago close to Christmas that she drank herself until she started having seizures and ended up on life support. Prior to that she had kept falling down resulting in black eyes and probably undiagnosed concussions. While on life support in a coma, the doctors said she had about 20% shrinkage of the brain due to her drinking and possibly genetics as well. They said she DID have brain damage and when she wakes up would most likely have a different personality. Believe it or not, I was ELATED learning she could have a different personality! Would she be more compassionate towards people? Would she be a nicer person? After she woke up, went to outpatient rehab (for only a week), I gave her her space and told her I'd be there for her if she ever wanted to talk or if she needed anything. Fast forward a couple of months or more later when we talked here and there or texted I learned she was still who she was (NPD) but just a dulled down version. When she would text and brag about stuff (this time instead of it being about her husband's $250k salary or paying off her student loans) it was about her not having had a drink in X months. I had congratulated her profusely and asked what program she was in. She responded back curtly with "the NOT DRINKING program". That's when I knew that NOTHING had changed and I went from LC to NC. And I've never looked back. I think you're looking for validation and that's ok. When my Mom died 5 years ago, and all her best friends from another city came to say their goodbyes while she was passing (cancer), I got my validation on my NPD sister then. I guess even as a child she was NPD and treated my Mom HORRIBLY. I saw it starting as a teenager, but she was that way even as a CHILD! There's nothing you can do about it. NPD's don't see anything wrong with their ways and trying to discuss things with them is like trying to discuss things with an alcoholic who's drunk.
He is only in his late 20s, but I have known him for years and there just has been no change in terms of an ability to relate to people while his conviction that he is above everyone and all has increased.
I have been talking to a friend who recently split with her ex because she came to the conclusion that he is a narcissist and that there was just no hope for her to ever get the emotional closeness and connection she needed. She said that he during the 3 years with him, she felt she was losing her mind trying to reason with him and making him understand how he made her feel. And yes, much of what she tells me about her arguments with her ex sound like my arguments with drunk xabf.
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Originally Posted by Bern
Hi Kimmieh,
I am dealing with issues I have as a result of my addicted and narcissistic dad, and my therapist is helping me a lot, especially when I get into the "Why does he do this or that" thought patterns.
She explained that most people are not born narcissists, and therapists who are working with narcissists will try to get to the 'narcissistic wound.' In other words, your ex is really just a wounded child - hence the emotional capacity of a 5 year old. He will need to do the work to get better. Unfortunately, there's very little you can say or do other than what we already know - boundaries, boundaries, boundaries and remember you are essentially dealing with a child (emotionally). Hugs!!
ETA: I think your friend is right who is saying when you challenged your ex's ego, he kicked you to the curb. The ego is in charge of him. Anything that poses a threat to it will be eliminated. I have seen my dad throw many a friend and associate away because he felt they weren't 'loyal' to him (aka, blindly agreeing with everything he says, viewing him as a saint, and hating all the same people he does for perceived slights).
I am dealing with issues I have as a result of my addicted and narcissistic dad, and my therapist is helping me a lot, especially when I get into the "Why does he do this or that" thought patterns.
She explained that most people are not born narcissists, and therapists who are working with narcissists will try to get to the 'narcissistic wound.' In other words, your ex is really just a wounded child - hence the emotional capacity of a 5 year old. He will need to do the work to get better. Unfortunately, there's very little you can say or do other than what we already know - boundaries, boundaries, boundaries and remember you are essentially dealing with a child (emotionally). Hugs!!
ETA: I think your friend is right who is saying when you challenged your ex's ego, he kicked you to the curb. The ego is in charge of him. Anything that poses a threat to it will be eliminated. I have seen my dad throw many a friend and associate away because he felt they weren't 'loyal' to him (aka, blindly agreeing with everything he says, viewing him as a saint, and hating all the same people he does for perceived slights).
People were floored when they heard we were dating. That should have been a clue...
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
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Oh wow , I do believe I see some narcissistic traits in myself ! How scary is that. Not so much in recovery as I have mellowed dramatically , but definitely prior .
Now that's scary :-/
I wouldn't like me at all in that case if I was the other person.
Funny how other people can put things into perspective & you see a little glimpse of yourself that really didn't want to know
:/
Now that's scary :-/
I wouldn't like me at all in that case if I was the other person.
Funny how other people can put things into perspective & you see a little glimpse of yourself that really didn't want to know
:/
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Originally Posted by SnoozyQ
Oh wow , I do believe I see some narcissistic traits in myself ! How scary is that. Not so much in recovery as I have mellowed dramatically , but definitely prior .
Now that's scary :-/
I wouldn't like me at all in that case if I was the other person.
Funny how other people can put things into perspective & you see a little glimpse of yourself that really didn't want to know
:/
Now that's scary :-/
I wouldn't like me at all in that case if I was the other person.
Funny how other people can put things into perspective & you see a little glimpse of yourself that really didn't want to know
:/
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I obsessed over this categorization with my ex for a long time. Eventually, the running list of narcissistic things that he did got so long that I couldn't even recall them any longer.
For me, today, this is how I view this exercise. It's helpful for me to label this behavior as NPD because it gives me a way to think about it, and a toolbox of tips and tricks to deal with it since I have to co-parent with him. If I had no children with him, I'd elect to never speak to or interact with him again, if I could help it, because narcissism is so toxic. It doesn't matter if there is ever an official diagnosis to me, because I don't need one to know that his behavior is toxic and I should avoid it going forward, from him or from anyone else.
For me, today, this is how I view this exercise. It's helpful for me to label this behavior as NPD because it gives me a way to think about it, and a toolbox of tips and tricks to deal with it since I have to co-parent with him. If I had no children with him, I'd elect to never speak to or interact with him again, if I could help it, because narcissism is so toxic. It doesn't matter if there is ever an official diagnosis to me, because I don't need one to know that his behavior is toxic and I should avoid it going forward, from him or from anyone else.
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