Liveitwell

Watched something on tv abd the guy said something to the effect of "you make me want to be better". I about puked. My ex said that all the time-things like "you keep me in line", "you make me better", "you're my everything", etc. Just words. As my pastor shared with me recently, nobody can make anyone anything-we can influence and guide but we can't make anyone good or bad-that is up to each of us. Grr. Just triggered me a lot - he put so much of him into me that I was his savior and also the reason he failed. Any way you looked at it, I was to blame. He's sent me so many messages that stated "I just wanted to be yours", etc-as if being mine was going to make everything come up roses?!? Damn-all I wanted was him, too, minus the alcoholism. But being his provided no safety, security, love and he turned into a liability.

Just wondering if any of y'all had heard the same things-or is it typical for alcoholics to look to others to make them better or fill a hole in them? Or is this just a mommas boy that can't stand on his own two feet alone and has to have someone? Before me, as he told me, he lived to make his mom happy (which is another story with a completely different set of issues!).

Just thought y'all could chime in! Happy 4th

Liveitwell

I guess I'm struggling with whether he ever really loved me, ME, or whether he loved that I "kept him in line". Who knows. Gah-time to get out of my head and play with my girls. Thanks, y'all

Timetoheal12

I can only speak for myself but exabf even wrote a song saying that "I saved him" and made him be a better man (he had only known me for two months).
I think it's part of making you responsible for their lives... It's part of his weird idealizing of me as someone who would fix everything that was wrong in his life. I'm not sure.

Exabf seemed really serious about it, though.

Now I see that I was at fault for feeling complimented when in reality I should have seen this as a bad sign.

... have a nice day, I hope this helps!

Liveitwell

I think I've done the same in the past. I think my ex and I both thought thst we would save each other. I'm guilty of this too. It took me finally realizing that was not love-I had to save myself. Geez-I was one messed up alcoholic cookie too. Thankful to be sober three years today

Liveitwell

But I did truly love him for him-until his demons wrecked our marriage. And mine surely didn't help either. I got better but could not save him-that's his job.

theseithakas

Right before my ex left the other day, he told me that he was scared that he was going to drink again because he had relied in large part on accountability to me to stay sober. We both sort of looked at each other and were like ...yeah...that's a problem.

Liveitwell

Thanks for sharing that ^^

Seedpod

Being expected to be someone's reason for happiness is exhausting. Being up on that "you're the one who will fill my hole" pedestal is kinda heady for awhile, but it's an unpleasant fall and a hard landing when you fail to meet expectations.

My XABF used to tell me that my expectations of him were unreasonable (sobriety and a minimum wage job or any work.)We never got to talk about his expectations of me, however. From my point of view, I was expected to be the ever patient, ever forgiving, ever understanding and comforting earth mother who would swallow his drunken vitriol when he binged. Once he purged his emotions, he felt better, but then I was furious. Rarely was there an apology or even acknowledgement when he sobered up. I don't know if he didn't remember, thought it was okay or if he was just incapable of remorse. With increasing time and distance I have come to believe it's the latter.

I loved mine too. A lot. Him? Maybe it was love, maybe it was just need, who knows? I was quickly replaced when I finally said "no more." He told me he was just "going for what was in front of him" if I would not reconcile. That was eye opening. On some level, I had always felt like that's what I was--just in front of him--but shoved that intuitive knowing away for years.

Actually, I did get an apology in the end. He said "I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted." Translation--this is on you because of your irrational expectations that no man will ever meet.

Probably true if I keep picking addicts, so I don't 😛

bubbleguppies

I can relate to all of this too! Mine put me on such a pedestal when we met. Early on, he had such high praise for how "perfect" I was, but then sure turned on me as time went on. The expectations for me to accept any and all treatment and never ask for any of my own needs to be met were impossible and unreasonable, but that doesn't matter to him.
The fact that I wasn't perfect, and was, in fact, a flawed human with normal reactions to shady situations was a perfect scapegoat for not taking responsibility for his horrid behavior. It really is exhausting.

Wisconsin

I got a lot of "you're the best thing that ever happened to me" and similar stuff during the first year or two of our relationship. One thing I never got was pressure or suggestions that it was because of me that he was sober. He was sober and in recovery when we got back in touch, then relapsed shortly after we were married. His attitude to me since then is that he doesn't have a problem and can do whatever he wants. The latter is true...he CAN do what he wants. But he has also always insisted that I am not affected by his drinking and have no right to an opinion about it.

As we all know, he is a full grown adult who can choose to drink what and when he wants. But he is not exempt from the consequences of those choices. That's the stuff that still triggers me...the obvious belief that he can continue on this path and I have some sort of duty to stick around for it.

Liveitwell

I get all of this! I was like that, too when I was drinking and codependent. Once I realized God was my only savior, it changed my entire outlook towards my then husband and allowed me to see him through His eyes-my love for him grew deeper but it could not stop the bad things from happening. As a Christian, I know that only God can fill us up-if we rely on someone else to do that, we will always be let down bc we are all flawed.