ScyllaCharybdis

Hi guys. I went through rehab and kicked a lifelong alcohol addiction last year and have been sober for a year and a half. Great, I thought. My wife of five years, who does not drink much, was happy and I was progressing really well. Over the last year she has slipped into an extreme depression, caused largely by problems at her job, she says. A few months ago she really crashed. Her shrink told her to take time off and she has been away from her workplace for three months now, with no end in sight. She's a mess. She refuses to go to the our primary care doctor or stick with any of the other shrinks she has seen in the past. She refuses to go to couples counseling. She's also getting reckless with spending. What can I do? This is not yet threatening my sobriety, but I fear that may be coming. Things were fine between us in the years I was drinking! I never dreamed she would got *down*hill after I quit. Help!

PS: She has no alcohol or substance-abuse issues.

PurpleKnight

You gotta keep your Sobriety your main focus, what your wife does need not affect your decision to be a non drinker, stick to your plan, in the same way for over a year you've probably had to deal with a few curve balls in your own in life, dealing with stress and other situations, this can be no different!!

I do hope though that everything works out for your wife, you'll find loads of support here on SR to help you through it!!

resolute50

She's away from "work place" that was causing her issues? And she is still having problems?
I would sit down with her and find out what's really going on.
Her shrink probably just put her on drugs that do more harm than good.

And brother, protect that sobriety at all cost.

Anna

Yes, if you think the workplace is causing her depression, then being away from it all these months should have made an improvement. I agree that your wife needs to figure out what is causing her problems and deal with that. If she refuses to go to her dr or to therapy or counselling, then at some point you will have to make a decision.

Please maintain your sobriety no matter what happens. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

ScyllaCharybdis

Thanks for the feedback, *purpleknight* and *resolute50*.

She says she is no longer taking any medication.

Yes, I have dealt with a lot of curve balls, but this is by far the worst.

Her job and the people in her office had been stressing her out for a couple of years, but despite my entreaties, she did not just quit and get another job, which she is perfectly capable of doing.

I've tried to just "sit down with her" but she just starts yelling about how stressed she is and not to make it worse. Much irrationality.

My psychologist, who I like and trust very much, says be the stoic husband, stand-up guy, stick it out.

I guess I'm sticking with Churchill, until I simply can't go on - "When you're going through hell, keep going."

Keeping it strong and sober,

Thanks guys!

breath

I can relate. Our stories are similar; the outcome(current) is a bit different. My wife was the codependent, as I changed after being sober a couple years she has changed drastically. She to refuses any treatment, she wants divorce after finding her ex found her after 30 years(thanks linkedin), now she still does but does not behave like it; we still are together but.... / she is severely depressed, makes plans and never acts, starts things but never finishes, think buys paint but never paints- does that apply to you r wife? She hoarutds and clutters, wants privacy

So I do what I havealways done since sobriety, follow MY program, my PLAN. It's not perfect but it works.

I suggest going to outofthefog.com and look at their forums, it's for people like us who live with those who haveEPD - emotional personality disorders.

Soberwolf

If your wife is stressed what about if you book a day at the spa for the both of you a day of pampering & then go for dinner that evening make a romantic weekend of it and just try to listen if she does say anything im not saying you dont btw sometimes with my gf of 15 yrs i just tell her get it off your chest and i will listen to her work stress il listen untill she feels better sometimes i throw in a foot massage or a backrub that sort of thing

Best wishes Scylla

GroundhogDay

Okay, I gotta push back here. I'm one of the crazy wives who quit her job because she couldn't handle the stress anymore. I tried to go back after a year, but wasn't ready. I finally went back to work after more than two years. It helps that my new job and new boss are awesome.

The spending is a little weird though. I was very frugal and took on more of the household chores while I was voluntarily unemployed. I also did volunteer work.

GroundhogDay

Unfortunately, after a while, this sort of thing just doesn't work.

GroundhogDay

My husband got the same advice from his psychologist, and it worked out well for us. At no time, did he pressure me to get a new job before I was ready. Just like with your wife, jumping directly into a new job wasn't going to solve my issues. I needed a complete break with new experiences and time for reflection.

SweetBaby

Depression is very much like alcoholism. Its nothing something you can make better. It may not even be something she can make better. Its a mind hold. You can not take away her depression.

All you can do is be strong in your sobriety. Be there for her. Let her know you care in her love language-not yours!! I know its not easy but no one could force you to stop drinking and no one can force her to be happy.

LimitedLemur

This is is tough situation. I'm not married, but my mother went through basically the same thing. From my experience, things like this tend to be like a loop. My mom lost her job and basically just quit life. Being unemployed made her more depressed, which made her less willing to get a job. Me and my dad ended up working a ton to pay the bills, and she just got a free pass. That being said, I'm a little biased in my opinion here, but I'm a bottom line kinda person. I'm 21 and I finally had to stand up and say, "Hey mom, I know I contribute at least half the income of the house, but I'm leaving so....your move." They're still struggling financially, but she's got a job now, which I think is therapeutic in and of itself. There's something to having a reason to get up and get out everyday that helps with stability. Yeah, maybe she's not happy yet. But that's her decision and all I can do is be there for her.

So what I'm saying is, bottom line her. If this is getting to the point where it's going to mess with the sobriety you've worked so hard for, you need to fix it. I may sound insensitive, but I'm not trying to tell you to be insensitive. Help her through it. Make a plan. Ask her if she's ready to make things better for the both of you and make a plan to achieve it. Set baby step goals. Maybe step one is just getting out of the house for once. I love soberwolf's idea. Go out and have some fun. Let her know that you're there for her, but she's the only person who can change her life. And also let her know how her behavior is affecting you. If you guys don't work together on this then nothing's going to change, but that means that you're going to need her cooperation, too.

All of it sounds simple written down, but that doesn't mean it's going to be easy. Unfortunately, there really is only so much you can do. The outcome of this is mostly dependent on her and her willingness to change. You need to work out your priorities as well, and I strongly hope that sobriety is number one. It wasn't until I got out of my home environment and away from my mom (she's so triggering!) that I felt I really could tackle sobriety. Being around some people just isn't conducive to it. So if it comes down to the point where she flat out refuses to make things better, you're going to have to have a plan for what you're going to do in that scenario. For me, I just left. But she's your wife and relationships are so complex that only you are going to know what's best for you.

I'm really sorry that things have turned out this way. It sounds like you're handling this well, soldiering on and all. I'm wishing for the best for the both of you!

ScyllaCharybdis

Thanks, *breath*.

"we still are together but.... / she is severely depressed, makes plans and never acts, starts things but never finishes, think buys paint but never paints- does that apply to you r wife? She hoards and clutters, wants privacy"

That is exactly, precisely, absolutely what is happening. Thanks for the advice, shall look where you suggested.

Soberween

Well it sounds like you were willing to go any lengths (rehab/sobriety) to get better, I don't see why she can't do the same. WILLING is the key word here. Sounds like she won't take that step towards getting better. I love the acronym S.L.I.P....Sobriety Loses It's Priority. Please don't slip into a relapse. All you can do if she is not willing is continue to keep your sobriety in the number one spot and see where the chips fall. You don't have to have substance abuse issues to hit rock bottom and it sounds like she is headed there.

silentrun

Understanding what she is going through can help you deal with it. They think my daughter is bipolar type 2. Some of the things that come out of her mouth...OMG. Is there a way you can meet with her doctor and have it explained to what is going on with her? I know the spending and the unfinished projects can be symptoms of mania.

My daughter was prescribed medication but had a allergic reaction to it. She is out of school now and doesn't have a job so her stress is low and it seems to be keeping the disorder at bay now. Since she is doing pretty good she doesn't think she needs to go see the doctor again to get a new prescription. I am going to have to force the issue of professional help on her because she can't live her whole life stress free.

Sometimes I think people who are living like this are a lot like us in our drinking days. They know something is not right but don't see the whole picture.

OnMyWay7

I live with a depressed spouse for 15 years now. it got worse over time and I'm not sure we're going to make the year. But the BEST book I read was Depression Fallout and How to live when they're depressed. Please spend some tIme learning about it.

And to your comments I would add hyper-critical, moody, happy when in public but grumpy at home, and last but not least everything is your fault or you could do more to fix it and you're not.

Good luck and my thoughts are with you.