Being an Adult Child of a Narcissist
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Being an Adult Child of a Narcissist
Some good points made here, thought I would share.
Being An Adult Child Of A Narcissist*|*Michelle Combs
Being An Adult Child Of A Narcissist*|*Michelle Combs
No intimacy: You learn at a very young age that trusting another person to protect you or your feelings is a mistake. Best to never really give your feelings away because it's just not safe. Sure, it's lonely to keep a barrier up at all times, but we do what we have to do. I've proven time and time again that I can reject intimacy with ease.
Accept that you are unlovable: No one really likes you. You are flawed in way too many ways. You're not that bright. You're never going to coast on charm or looks and you really aren't very good at anything.
You will never know what you want to be when you grow up: How can you know what you want for your life when your formative years are spent being forced to be a reflection of a narcissistic parent? Oh, and you failed at that. Whatever choices you made were wrong so you learn to understand that your own instincts can't possibly be trusted.
You pick up some nasty little narcissistic traits of your own: You desperately want to be clever or have the best or the worst of something. Anything to make sure you are in the spot light. Of course, what happens if you do find yourself in the spotlight, is that you want to run from it. You are not a narcissist, you were just raised by one and wanting to be the center of attention is just something you understand because you saw that grandiose behavior every day. When you actually find yourself at the center of attention, you either want to run away from it because it is horribly uncomfortable or you run away from it because you know you don't deserve it.
You become emotionally overwhelmed when dealing with narcissists: I loathe having to deal with them. I loathe my reaction to them. I find that I am both terrified of them and their potential rage that I need a Xanax just to be in the same room with them. I also find myself with an internal rage against them. I want to hit them and force to to admit what dick heads they are. And they never will. A narcissist is perfect. They can do no wrong and they are never wrong.
Accept that you are unlovable: No one really likes you. You are flawed in way too many ways. You're not that bright. You're never going to coast on charm or looks and you really aren't very good at anything.
You will never know what you want to be when you grow up: How can you know what you want for your life when your formative years are spent being forced to be a reflection of a narcissistic parent? Oh, and you failed at that. Whatever choices you made were wrong so you learn to understand that your own instincts can't possibly be trusted.
You pick up some nasty little narcissistic traits of your own: You desperately want to be clever or have the best or the worst of something. Anything to make sure you are in the spot light. Of course, what happens if you do find yourself in the spotlight, is that you want to run from it. You are not a narcissist, you were just raised by one and wanting to be the center of attention is just something you understand because you saw that grandiose behavior every day. When you actually find yourself at the center of attention, you either want to run away from it because it is horribly uncomfortable or you run away from it because you know you don't deserve it.
You become emotionally overwhelmed when dealing with narcissists: I loathe having to deal with them. I loathe my reaction to them. I find that I am both terrified of them and their potential rage that I need a Xanax just to be in the same room with them. I also find myself with an internal rage against them. I want to hit them and force to to admit what dick heads they are. And they never will. A narcissist is perfect. They can do no wrong and they are never wrong.
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Everything is as you say. I also get that gut wrenching feeling at just the thought of dealing with that type of personality.
They are INCREDIBLE liars and manipulators . Ive learned that it's just safer to NEVER disclose any personal information, such as thoughts feelings or ideas. The fall out isn't worth it and besides that...they don't a rats butt about you. They are very limited in empathy, compassion, and love. They truly are a sorry lot. Just my opinion and what I've learned through experience.
Thanks for the new thread...
They are INCREDIBLE liars and manipulators . Ive learned that it's just safer to NEVER disclose any personal information, such as thoughts feelings or ideas. The fall out isn't worth it and besides that...they don't a rats butt about you. They are very limited in empathy, compassion, and love. They truly are a sorry lot. Just my opinion and what I've learned through experience.
Thanks for the new thread...
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No worries I understand. I can't say I disagree any with your comment based on a lifetime of experience. They are despicable. I get that feeling too and always have done, without knowing why. It's probably a defense mechanism. I must be living with another another one now too (a relative) as it is the same feeling I get.
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That was a great article! I liked this part the best:
I am such an over-achiever but I loath the act of receiving recognition or actually being in the spotlight. Even having baby showers when I was pregnant with either of my daughters was torturous for me.
I've heard a few people say that we are human beings, not human doings and it's totally something that I picked up from being a daughter of a narcissist. Reddit has a really great children of narcissist forum that it worth checking out too. https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists
Accepting that we all have narcissistic tendencies was difficult. There is no shame with excelling at something. There isn't anything wrong with enjoying accolades. I suspect that I will always want them a little too much and always be uncomfortable when I receive them, but I'm making my peace with that as well.
I've heard a few people say that we are human beings, not human doings and it's totally something that I picked up from being a daughter of a narcissist. Reddit has a really great children of narcissist forum that it worth checking out too. https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists
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Major underachiever here but I am totally at peace with it.
My parents put all that crap in my head- they never taught me to be happy.
Although deep down somewhere I have always known to be, it's been a battle.
I can relate to all of the point's in the OP. I see you are talking about Narcissistic traits.
I can totally relate to that one. For me my little 'dj dream' would be the biggest example. In that it was a long held dream which I genuinely believed in, worked hard at, invested all my time and money into- and once it became a waking reality i.e. I was beginning to be offered regular gigs alongside big names, I ran away from it… Because I couldn't handle being in the spotlight and whatever other reasons. There were other reasons too in that I was becoming clinically depressed and for a plethora of reasons, but still I abandoned my lifelong dream tto easily. I can't say I understand it fully. And there may be other examples too. I definitely do not want to be the centre of attention, I know this much. Nor am I a narcissist. I loathe them. That doesn't mean it hasn't been a lifelong battle, and that battle has ever been won for any real length of time. That is something I need some help with. It hasn't been lost either.
Did you read this other thread I posted? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...arcissist.html
What I didn't say in that thread is how this describes exactly my final year at home. Where I was recovering from an OD attempt, and my mother was actively stealing from me, from my wallet and my bank account (it just hurts) when I was effectively helpless and unwell. I could hear her slandering me to my siblings and others, victim blaming me and all the rest. I was distraught. When I did get out of bed after a few months the gaslighting began. In that she owes me some money- I was planning to move on with my life so wanted a resolve one way or the other, if she didn't have it I was ok with that. Gaslighted me in the extreme with the sole puropoes of making me believe I was crazy. As I was unwell, she wanted me to apply for a 'carers travel card' for her, whereby I knew this was only to strengthen her case to others (that I was crazy and she hadn't destroyed me). That was absolute torture, a year of it- I have never been so distraught in all my life. I knew what was happen but I wasn't able to intellectualize my emotions around it, it was horrific. That was the turning point for me, and believe me I very nearly turned. I had to keep a pokier face for quite a while after that while drinking every day, and believe me it hurt. Yet here I am, still not a narcissist. I employ cleverness occasionally still, in fact I did quite recently lol however I have never been more clear about myself now and what I am and what I am not. Read the article I've linked if you will...
I couldn't agree more it's something I have been saying to myself for a long time. That truth for me was getting lost in alcoholism. How to be for me is the problem given the dynamics.
My parents put all that crap in my head- they never taught me to be happy.
Although deep down somewhere I have always known to be, it's been a battle.
I can relate to all of the point's in the OP. I see you are talking about Narcissistic traits.
I can totally relate to that one. For me my little 'dj dream' would be the biggest example. In that it was a long held dream which I genuinely believed in, worked hard at, invested all my time and money into- and once it became a waking reality i.e. I was beginning to be offered regular gigs alongside big names, I ran away from it… Because I couldn't handle being in the spotlight and whatever other reasons. There were other reasons too in that I was becoming clinically depressed and for a plethora of reasons, but still I abandoned my lifelong dream tto easily. I can't say I understand it fully. And there may be other examples too. I definitely do not want to be the centre of attention, I know this much. Nor am I a narcissist. I loathe them. That doesn't mean it hasn't been a lifelong battle, and that battle has ever been won for any real length of time. That is something I need some help with. It hasn't been lost either.
Did you read this other thread I posted? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...arcissist.html
What I didn't say in that thread is how this describes exactly my final year at home. Where I was recovering from an OD attempt, and my mother was actively stealing from me, from my wallet and my bank account (it just hurts) when I was effectively helpless and unwell. I could hear her slandering me to my siblings and others, victim blaming me and all the rest. I was distraught. When I did get out of bed after a few months the gaslighting began. In that she owes me some money- I was planning to move on with my life so wanted a resolve one way or the other, if she didn't have it I was ok with that. Gaslighted me in the extreme with the sole puropoes of making me believe I was crazy. As I was unwell, she wanted me to apply for a 'carers travel card' for her, whereby I knew this was only to strengthen her case to others (that I was crazy and she hadn't destroyed me). That was absolute torture, a year of it- I have never been so distraught in all my life. I knew what was happen but I wasn't able to intellectualize my emotions around it, it was horrific. That was the turning point for me, and believe me I very nearly turned. I had to keep a pokier face for quite a while after that while drinking every day, and believe me it hurt. Yet here I am, still not a narcissist. I employ cleverness occasionally still, in fact I did quite recently lol however I have never been more clear about myself now and what I am and what I am not. Read the article I've linked if you will...
Originally Posted by Stung 
I've heard a few people say that we are human beings, not human doings and it's totally something that I picked up from being a daughter of a narcissist.
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Originally Posted by Stratman1
What I didn't say in that thread is how this describes exactly my final year at home.
What the empath fails to realise is that the narcissist is a taker. An energy sucker, a vampire so to speak. They will draw the life and soul out of anyone they come into contact with, given the chance. This is so that they can build up their own reserves and, in doing so, they can use the imbalance to their advantage.
This dynamic will confuse and debilitate an empath, as if they do not have a full understanding of their own or other people’s capabilities, they will fail to see that not everyone is like them. An empath will always put themselves into other people’s shoes and experience the feelings, thoughts and emotions of others, while forgetting that other people may have an agenda very different to their own and that not everyone is sincere.
The narcissist’s agenda is one of manipulation, it is imperative they are in a position whereby they can rise above others and be in control. The empath’s agenda is to love, heal and care. There is no balance and it is extremely unlikely there ever will be one. The more love and care an empath offers, the more powerful and in control a narcissist will become.
The more powerful the narcissist becomes, the more likely the empath will retreat into a victim status. Then, there is a very big change—the empath will take on narcissistic traits as they too become wounded and are constantly triggered by the damage being in the company with a narcissist creates. Before long, an extremely vicious circle has begun to swirl.
When a narcissist sees that an empath is wounded they will play on this and the main intention will be to keep the empath down. The lower down an empath becomes, the higher a narcissist will feel. An empath will begin to frantically seek love, validation, confirmation and acceptance from a narcissist and each cry for help as such will affirm to the narcissist what they are desperate to feel inside—worthy. A bitter battle can ensue.
As an empath focuses solely on their pain, trauma and the destruction of their lives, they become self-obsessed and fail to see where the damage is coming from. Instead of looking outwards and seeing what is causing it, the empath will turn everything inward and blame themselves.
An empath at this stage must realise the situation they are in and wake up to it, as anyone who is deeply in pain and has been hurt can then become a narcissist themselves as they turn their focus onto their own pain and look for others to make them feel okay again.
Any attempt to communicate authentically with the narcissist will be futile as they will certainly not be looking to soothe and heal anyone else. Not only this, they are extremely charismatic and manipulative and have a powerful way of turning everything away from themselves and onto others. A narcissist will blame their own pain on an empath, plus they will also make sure the empath feels responsible for the pain they too are suffering.
An empath will know that they are in a destructive relationship by this stage and will feel so insecure, unloved and unworthy and it can be easy to blame all of their destruction onto the narcissist.
However, an empath should not be looking to blame anyone else. An empath has a choice, to remain the victim, a pawn in the narcissists game or to garner all strength they can muster and find a way out.
Emotionally exhausted, lost, depleted and debilitated an empath will struggle to understand what has happened to the once loving, attentive and charismatic person they were attracted to.
However we allow ourselves to be treated is a result of our own choices. If an empath chooses to stay in a relationship with a narcissist and refuses to take responsibility for the dynamic, they are choosing at some level what they believe they are worth on the inside. An empath cannot let their self-worth be determined by a narcissist. It is imperative they trust and believe in themselves enough to recognise that they are not deserving of the words and actions the narcissist delivers and to look for an escape.
In an empath’s eyes, all they searched and looked for was someone to take care of and love and to ultimately fix.” That is where the trouble began and that is the most profound part of this that an empath must realise.
We are not here to fix anyone. We cannot fix anyone. Everyone is responsible for and capable of fixing themselves, but only if they so choose to.
The more an empath can learn about the personality of a narcissist the sooner they will spot one and the less chance they have of developing a relationship with one. If a relationship is already underway, it is never to late to seek help, seek understanding and knowledge and to dig deep into one’s soul and recognise our own strengths and capabilities and do everything we can to build the courage and confidence to see it for what it is and walk away—for good.
The chance of a narcissist changing is highly unlikely, so we shouldn’t stick around waiting for it to happen. If a narcissist wants to change, then great, but it should never happen at the expense of anyone else. They are not consciously aware of their behaviour and the damage it causes and in their game they will sacrifice anyone and anything for their own gain—regardless of what pretty lies and sweet nothings they try to whisper.
An empath is authentic and is desperate to live true to their soul’s purpose and will very likely find the whole relationship a huge lesson, a dodged bullet and painfully awakening.
This dynamic will confuse and debilitate an empath, as if they do not have a full understanding of their own or other people’s capabilities, they will fail to see that not everyone is like them. An empath will always put themselves into other people’s shoes and experience the feelings, thoughts and emotions of others, while forgetting that other people may have an agenda very different to their own and that not everyone is sincere.
The narcissist’s agenda is one of manipulation, it is imperative they are in a position whereby they can rise above others and be in control. The empath’s agenda is to love, heal and care. There is no balance and it is extremely unlikely there ever will be one. The more love and care an empath offers, the more powerful and in control a narcissist will become.
The more powerful the narcissist becomes, the more likely the empath will retreat into a victim status. Then, there is a very big change—the empath will take on narcissistic traits as they too become wounded and are constantly triggered by the damage being in the company with a narcissist creates. Before long, an extremely vicious circle has begun to swirl.
When a narcissist sees that an empath is wounded they will play on this and the main intention will be to keep the empath down. The lower down an empath becomes, the higher a narcissist will feel. An empath will begin to frantically seek love, validation, confirmation and acceptance from a narcissist and each cry for help as such will affirm to the narcissist what they are desperate to feel inside—worthy. A bitter battle can ensue.
As an empath focuses solely on their pain, trauma and the destruction of their lives, they become self-obsessed and fail to see where the damage is coming from. Instead of looking outwards and seeing what is causing it, the empath will turn everything inward and blame themselves.
An empath at this stage must realise the situation they are in and wake up to it, as anyone who is deeply in pain and has been hurt can then become a narcissist themselves as they turn their focus onto their own pain and look for others to make them feel okay again.
Any attempt to communicate authentically with the narcissist will be futile as they will certainly not be looking to soothe and heal anyone else. Not only this, they are extremely charismatic and manipulative and have a powerful way of turning everything away from themselves and onto others. A narcissist will blame their own pain on an empath, plus they will also make sure the empath feels responsible for the pain they too are suffering.
An empath will know that they are in a destructive relationship by this stage and will feel so insecure, unloved and unworthy and it can be easy to blame all of their destruction onto the narcissist.
However, an empath should not be looking to blame anyone else. An empath has a choice, to remain the victim, a pawn in the narcissists game or to garner all strength they can muster and find a way out.
Emotionally exhausted, lost, depleted and debilitated an empath will struggle to understand what has happened to the once loving, attentive and charismatic person they were attracted to.
However we allow ourselves to be treated is a result of our own choices. If an empath chooses to stay in a relationship with a narcissist and refuses to take responsibility for the dynamic, they are choosing at some level what they believe they are worth on the inside. An empath cannot let their self-worth be determined by a narcissist. It is imperative they trust and believe in themselves enough to recognise that they are not deserving of the words and actions the narcissist delivers and to look for an escape.
In an empath’s eyes, all they searched and looked for was someone to take care of and love and to ultimately fix.” That is where the trouble began and that is the most profound part of this that an empath must realise.
We are not here to fix anyone. We cannot fix anyone. Everyone is responsible for and capable of fixing themselves, but only if they so choose to.
The more an empath can learn about the personality of a narcissist the sooner they will spot one and the less chance they have of developing a relationship with one. If a relationship is already underway, it is never to late to seek help, seek understanding and knowledge and to dig deep into one’s soul and recognise our own strengths and capabilities and do everything we can to build the courage and confidence to see it for what it is and walk away—for good.
The chance of a narcissist changing is highly unlikely, so we shouldn’t stick around waiting for it to happen. If a narcissist wants to change, then great, but it should never happen at the expense of anyone else. They are not consciously aware of their behaviour and the damage it causes and in their game they will sacrifice anyone and anything for their own gain—regardless of what pretty lies and sweet nothings they try to whisper.
An empath is authentic and is desperate to live true to their soul’s purpose and will very likely find the whole relationship a huge lesson, a dodged bullet and painfully awakening.
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When I was in my 20s, I went into therapy because of extreme anxiety. It was there that I first learned the word "narcissism" as my therapist explained that both of my parents were likely narcissists with other fun personality disorders mixed in. Well, after reading incessantly (there wasn't too much on the internet back then), I panicked thinking that I, being "the golden child" of the narcissists had become one, too. My therapist reassured me that a true narcissist would never even question that about themselves. She said that everyone has narcissistic traits and that is part of having a healthy self confidence but if you are able to have empathy for others, then you are likely not a seriously flawed narcissist.
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Hi DoubleDragon's, I didn't know that you are one of us so to speak. Interesting profile pic, and I like your quote a lot.
You make an interesting point and reminded me of something. When I was in the big house several years ago (early 20's) I think that along with diagnosing me with a stress disorder they also said I had a personality disorder. The thing is- I was lying to them- consciously. And I was trying to lie to myself also except it wasn't working out. And at the same time I was desperately trying to open up, trying to force myself to blurt everything out in truth. The professional I was working with went on leave just at the stage where I felt I could trust him and I felt pretty distraught about that. I sneaked out of the place then because it was getting intense.
And about your other point. When I was a younger I had a pal who used to drive us some weekends to some dj gigs occasionally. Anyway as time went by and I kinda became better friends with his younger brother, we were smoking buddies. His younger brother was complaining about him one time, and I told the kid that he was a narcissist. I was right, he was displaying profound narcisstic traits when we were buddies (which is why we kinda drifted apart) and that is exactly what the kid himself was talking about. But I have litereally no idea where I gleaned the information from. Seriously, even the word. No internet, no books, no nothing.
I have realized something also since becoming sober. Not only am I not a narcissist, but I am an empath. It's why I have basically suffered so much in my life when even there were no clear reasons for it. Confused reasons. The biggest part of the reason why I drank, so as not to feel that suffering so intensely and also to maintain and project a 'tough' exterior. While there are times in my life where I have indeed had to be tough, in all honesty the reality is that nothing could be further from the truth (don't tell anyone). So I am an empath. And everything makes sense for me on foot of that. But at this stage, a seriously flawed empath most likely.
You make an interesting point and reminded me of something. When I was in the big house several years ago (early 20's) I think that along with diagnosing me with a stress disorder they also said I had a personality disorder. The thing is- I was lying to them- consciously. And I was trying to lie to myself also except it wasn't working out. And at the same time I was desperately trying to open up, trying to force myself to blurt everything out in truth. The professional I was working with went on leave just at the stage where I felt I could trust him and I felt pretty distraught about that. I sneaked out of the place then because it was getting intense.
And about your other point. When I was a younger I had a pal who used to drive us some weekends to some dj gigs occasionally. Anyway as time went by and I kinda became better friends with his younger brother, we were smoking buddies. His younger brother was complaining about him one time, and I told the kid that he was a narcissist. I was right, he was displaying profound narcisstic traits when we were buddies (which is why we kinda drifted apart) and that is exactly what the kid himself was talking about. But I have litereally no idea where I gleaned the information from. Seriously, even the word. No internet, no books, no nothing.
I have realized something also since becoming sober. Not only am I not a narcissist, but I am an empath. It's why I have basically suffered so much in my life when even there were no clear reasons for it. Confused reasons. The biggest part of the reason why I drank, so as not to feel that suffering so intensely and also to maintain and project a 'tough' exterior. While there are times in my life where I have indeed had to be tough, in all honesty the reality is that nothing could be further from the truth (don't tell anyone). So I am an empath. And everything makes sense for me on foot of that. But at this stage, a seriously flawed empath most likely.
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I am sure almost every point is going to hit home to not just those within this category, but most of those who are here.
I am going to use these points as a reminder to myself as they are so relatable it's confronting. Thanks for sharing Stratman1.
I am going to use these points as a reminder to myself as they are so relatable it's confronting. Thanks for sharing Stratman1.
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Em, cheers. It feels like I am talking to myself a lot sometimes and indeed sometimes I am, and also IRL. I don't have anyone to talk to about any of this, especially since I started coming to terms with it on an intellectual level. I've been coming to terms with it on some level for as long as I can remember pretty much, it's not an easy task while trying to live a life at the same time. Or maybe can't find the time out, space or peace to do so. Ugh.
I was lying in bed there and I can't sleep, I thought of an analogy for how my life has been: It's like being in a burning building and trying to figure out where all the smoke is coming from. And nobody else seems particularly concerned, so you are trying to brush it off. Then you are kinda certain that the building is burning, but you still can't figure out where all the smoke is coming from, and the flames. Then you suspect that the people closest to you are and throwing petrol on those flames and fanning them. You might even catch a glimpse of them in the act, yet they deny this. And none of it makes make any sense. By that stage you are already in a lot of trouble.
I was lying in bed there and I can't sleep, I thought of an analogy for how my life has been: It's like being in a burning building and trying to figure out where all the smoke is coming from. And nobody else seems particularly concerned, so you are trying to brush it off. Then you are kinda certain that the building is burning, but you still can't figure out where all the smoke is coming from, and the flames. Then you suspect that the people closest to you are and throwing petrol on those flames and fanning them. You might even catch a glimpse of them in the act, yet they deny this. And none of it makes make any sense. By that stage you are already in a lot of trouble.
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Stratman, have you considered posting about your narc relatives on the F&F forum? There are quite a few regulars over there that have lots of really wonderful insight on the topic, and lots of great experiences to share about their recoveries in relation to having Nparents. It might help you feel a little less alone. I only came to realize that my mom is a narcissist about a year ago and I couldn't even include my mom in my step 4 work because it's just too complex. It really is therapy stuff.
Also, I'm a classic scapegoat child, my younger brother is a classic golden child. He's a major underachiever but it's because of the dynamic with our Nmom. He never had to do anything to receive her praise...me on the other hand, I'm still striving for (and overachieving) for her approval some days. He now works for my mom and his family is very dependent upon her.
From my understanding, in a golden child/scapegoat child dynamic the Nparent just projects their own positive/negative (relatively speaking) qualities on their children. My mother always bullied me that I needed to do more to protect my brother and help him - although he wouldn't help himself, I put myself through college and apparently I was supposed to put him through college too...even though he's only 18 months younger than me. My Nmom has always accused me of not loving her enough or not loving her at all, in addition to calling me selfish, self absorbed, self centered and telling me I'm incapable of being compassionate. The reality is that my Nmom doesn't see ME at all. She just wants me to mirror her.
Also, I'm a classic scapegoat child, my younger brother is a classic golden child. He's a major underachiever but it's because of the dynamic with our Nmom. He never had to do anything to receive her praise...me on the other hand, I'm still striving for (and overachieving) for her approval some days. He now works for my mom and his family is very dependent upon her.
From my understanding, in a golden child/scapegoat child dynamic the Nparent just projects their own positive/negative (relatively speaking) qualities on their children. My mother always bullied me that I needed to do more to protect my brother and help him - although he wouldn't help himself, I put myself through college and apparently I was supposed to put him through college too...even though he's only 18 months younger than me. My Nmom has always accused me of not loving her enough or not loving her at all, in addition to calling me selfish, self absorbed, self centered and telling me I'm incapable of being compassionate. The reality is that my Nmom doesn't see ME at all. She just wants me to mirror her.
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Not really I never rearly see them talking about this stuff in there? And even the the term, it turns my stomach. Because, my family (i.e particularly my mother, and my father to a lessor degree, and more) are complete scumbag victim-blaming narcissists. I had a drink problem and took and overdose??? 'EUREAUKA'- fits exactly into their victim status "aw we have done everything to help him, poor us la la la". Yeah I've been trying to break all contact with them for most of my life, unfortunately one big problem was that after a month in hospital the care nurse sent me back there to recover. My mother was stealing from me and gaslighting me the whole time, and to others, scapegaoting slandering, victim blaming. And I was aware of every bit of it! But I was distraught. She makes me sick and always has done. "we have done everything to help him". Lying F'n gits. And do people actually believe that sh!t??? Impossible, it's just impossible. Pfffft.
She embezzelled my life savings and set about to destroy my life and get me as far away as possible, 6 foot under preferably, just so as not to deal with it! And me saying, 'hey its ok, if you don't have it or whatever, just don't be lying to me please' HOLY COW. And shee done this a few times, stolen peoples savings, confidence tricked them, defrauded EVEN TWO BANK MANAGERS she had under her spell. She conned a little old lady, a neighbor out of her savings. It was gonna be hard to blame the old lady right? She blamed that one the father, and him working away 6 days a week - how she was under so much pressure from him. It's all BS. And people actually believe this crap? No, they don't. I dunno how she has gotten away with it. Because she never stops looking for sympathy. She can turn on the waterworks any time she likes. PFFFFFFFT. She is a liar, a thief, a con artist and much more. She is a dangerous and manipulative narcissist.
Friends and family? My family??? PFFFTFFFFFTTTTTTTTT
She embezzelled my life savings and set about to destroy my life and get me as far away as possible, 6 foot under preferably, just so as not to deal with it! And me saying, 'hey its ok, if you don't have it or whatever, just don't be lying to me please' HOLY COW. And shee done this a few times, stolen peoples savings, confidence tricked them, defrauded EVEN TWO BANK MANAGERS she had under her spell. She conned a little old lady, a neighbor out of her savings. It was gonna be hard to blame the old lady right? She blamed that one the father, and him working away 6 days a week - how she was under so much pressure from him. It's all BS. And people actually believe this crap? No, they don't. I dunno how she has gotten away with it. Because she never stops looking for sympathy. She can turn on the waterworks any time she likes. PFFFFFFFT. She is a liar, a thief, a con artist and much more. She is a dangerous and manipulative narcissist.
Friends and family? My family??? PFFFTFFFFFTTTTTTTTT
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Hi, I've been meaning to tell you this for a while and keep forgetting, so will put it here I guess this thread is as good as any. In the past year or so I've been working with someone (a student I supervise) who had/has history and experiences quite similar to yours. I got to learn these things about her gradually over time as she is very open to share them with me. The thing about the abusive mother, then in her own adult life an ex-bf who had lots of similar default characteristics to her mother just handles them differently. And lots of similar kinds of traumas repeated. I understand your trials and tribulations also better via working with her and seeing just how excruciatingly difficult it is for her to detach from these experiences and move ahead with her life in a productive way, despite her clearly having an above average intelligence and insight into her own issues. One difference is that she seems to have an outstanding willingness and capability to use all kinds of help that is available to her. She had a drug addiction problem she successfully battled years ago with the help of outpatient treatment, 12-step meetings and other meetings. Has been in different kinds of therapies ever since. She now also reaches out to me as a supervisor that has become more than a conventional supervisor (such that we discuss her problems far beyond the work we do together) whenever she needs it. I know that she often struggles with some of the treatments she has been in, feels that all the self-work sometimes re-traumatizes her, but is doing it diligently and consistently regardless. And I am constantly impressed with her efforts because I see how fragile she can be, and how some of the help she is getting can make her even more fragile temporarily. She is driven to improve her life even though she is still prone to feeling that she is damaged and disadvantaged for life due to her history and personality traits. But in an objective sense, she is doing good: lives in a great city, is in grad school, has people and programs to reach out to when she needs help, etc.
Why am I sharing this? As an example that it's possible to get out and move forward, but it can only be achieved via working on it hard and working through the pain that often comes with the process.
Why am I sharing this? As an example that it's possible to get out and move forward, but it can only be achieved via working on it hard and working through the pain that often comes with the process.
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Hi Aellyce. I read your comment yesterday and appreciated it but had abandoned all efforts at expressing myself honestly for one day by then. I was a bit frustrated as you may tell from me previous post.
You are surely right about that. Something I have known for a couple of years now is that my ex partner is the same as my mother! More or less. Different circumstances in that she has had a privileged lifestyle handed to her (big mercedes and a luxury penthouse, support of her siblings etc) but aside from that, at a basic level…. The same! Scant regard for anyones feelings other than her own and seeks to control and manipulate. Especially me, as I had obviously become pretty easy at that. Anyway, enough about her. It took a while but at least I know now.
Apart from that, about your colleague. I have always pictured myself as that type of person since I was a teen. That was always my goal - to get the F' away from these parts and build a life for myself that has nothing to do with my past. However it hasn't worked out like that. That was was quite some time ago. A lot happened since and I found myself and was resigned to the fact that I was bogged down in the area (the single father thing, which is exactly how I was being manipulated, in the new skool). Now though? Well I am free of manipulative people (sorta). It's been a serious of hard lessons. However this 'freedom' I have managed to find has cost me a lot. I have nothing. No skills, no support, no network, no nothing. I haven't got a particularly positive outlook given the fact it has cost me the best years of my life trying to figure this out and my reward has been to be stripped of everything in life. Money, possessions, friends etc.
I'm pretty driven to improve my life too and always have been, but for the fact that I wouldn't know where to begin anymore.
You are surely right about that. Something I have known for a couple of years now is that my ex partner is the same as my mother! More or less. Different circumstances in that she has had a privileged lifestyle handed to her (big mercedes and a luxury penthouse, support of her siblings etc) but aside from that, at a basic level…. The same! Scant regard for anyones feelings other than her own and seeks to control and manipulate. Especially me, as I had obviously become pretty easy at that. Anyway, enough about her. It took a while but at least I know now.
Apart from that, about your colleague. I have always pictured myself as that type of person since I was a teen. That was always my goal - to get the F' away from these parts and build a life for myself that has nothing to do with my past. However it hasn't worked out like that. That was was quite some time ago. A lot happened since and I found myself and was resigned to the fact that I was bogged down in the area (the single father thing, which is exactly how I was being manipulated, in the new skool). Now though? Well I am free of manipulative people (sorta). It's been a serious of hard lessons. However this 'freedom' I have managed to find has cost me a lot. I have nothing. No skills, no support, no network, no nothing. I haven't got a particularly positive outlook given the fact it has cost me the best years of my life trying to figure this out and my reward has been to be stripped of everything in life. Money, possessions, friends etc.
I'm pretty driven to improve my life too and always have been, but for the fact that I wouldn't know where to begin anymore.
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Just seen this in another group I'm in. Rather than start a new thread or so I thought I'd share it here…
A person asked "Has anyone looked at why they have been or are susceptible to these types of people or partners?" (narcissistic abuse survivors forum). Here are the responses…
- I'm an empath
- Empath and healer
- I'm an empath too. If I feel bad for someone I'll do almost anything to help them. Sometimes at a cost to me.
- For myself I am an empath and a caregiver I draw in people who are like this. I also have weak boundaries and a broken sense of self worth from childhood trauma.
- I am an empath too, used to be a caregiver. I have just been thinking about how having a narcissistic alcoholic father really damaged having a healthy picture of myself.
- Im an extreme empath and a caregiver since childhood. I also experienced a fair amount of trauma outside my home that left me with severely low self esteem. Recipe for disaster.
- I was taught to be an empath in my childhood. I can behave codependently but I am not a codependent. I behave as one temporarily when that is what is needed to keep peace. I literally feel others pain
Literally one after another. I am new to all this information as you here know, but that is kinda mind-blowing for me.
A person asked "Has anyone looked at why they have been or are susceptible to these types of people or partners?" (narcissistic abuse survivors forum). Here are the responses…
- I'm an empath
- Empath and healer
- I'm an empath too. If I feel bad for someone I'll do almost anything to help them. Sometimes at a cost to me.
- For myself I am an empath and a caregiver I draw in people who are like this. I also have weak boundaries and a broken sense of self worth from childhood trauma.
- I am an empath too, used to be a caregiver. I have just been thinking about how having a narcissistic alcoholic father really damaged having a healthy picture of myself.
- Im an extreme empath and a caregiver since childhood. I also experienced a fair amount of trauma outside my home that left me with severely low self esteem. Recipe for disaster.
- I was taught to be an empath in my childhood. I can behave codependently but I am not a codependent. I behave as one temporarily when that is what is needed to keep peace. I literally feel others pain
Literally one after another. I am new to all this information as you here know, but that is kinda mind-blowing for me.
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For me, I decided that ultimately no matter how much I learned about narcissism it wouldn't fix my past or make today any better. I had to accept I got shafted when it came to having a safe, secure childhood and move on. The first step was completely eliminating the narcissist from my life even if it meant I would lose other relationships as well. I also accepted that I will probably always have some maladaptive behaviors given the fact that from birth I was raised by a narcissist. But, I also spent time learning other things as well, such as what it truly means to be an introvert, understanding that my brain works differently because of it. Accepting that I will probably spend the rest of my life on antidepressants. All of these things I embarked on with the attitude that I had to be kind a and gentle with myself while doing it. I am a human and deserve kind treatment just like everyone else.
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Thats true. I think I know enough about now even though I only started reading about after you guys informed me thats what was probably happening. It was only a matter of finding the words to describe my experience, a lifetime of it. The biggest surprise was that this is actually a thing, that other people have gone and are going through. Man it sucks. I dunno what to say to the rest but thanks. It amazes me the amount of hurt and suffering these people cause while basically coasting through life without ever having to account for anything.
Astonishment is that any useful emotion? I doubt it but somehow. I agree happy I think you do deserve kind treatment and start with yourself too. I had a bit more to write too but just relayed that was in another thread.
Astonishment is that any useful emotion? I doubt it but somehow. I agree happy I think you do deserve kind treatment and start with yourself too. I had a bit more to write too but just relayed that was in another thread.
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