my1life

I have been on the site for awhile, posting a few times. I have never posted for the reason I joined, nonetheless reading helped me through that horrible mess. That bad situation brought to light what I knew about my own family - siblings, parents, but simply did not want to acknowledge. Just another garden variety alcoholic family - parents, some siblings, a very fractured and uncaring crew.

Because of a family member illness I moved temporarily to be closer. It has been a regret for the most part. This is not a city I would ever selected to live having spent a considerable amount of time here, and know it well. It has turned out to be a stressful mess. Not because of my parent's illness, but because of all the family tension and nastiness. There is another sibling here and it has been very difficult. This sibling will not speak to me - unless they are drinking. Seriously. If I am spoken to when their not drinking, it is to yell at me. If I do not have a drink, I am not wanted at whatever is taking place, dinner, etc. I do not like to drink - after enduring the mess I referenced above, it is not even on my radar as appealing. I guess if you have lived with an alcoholic/drug addict and managed to survive - it puts drinking in a different perspective.

Then there is the dynamics between this sibling and our parent. The saying "two is company, three is a crowd". Yes it is crowded with me and they have made that known.

Now I am rambling. I cried earlier tonight because I am in this city "alone" with family. There is no one else here that I know - and because of extensive work travel, I have met no one.

I am moving soon - not exactly sure when but it will happen. I guess the reason I am writing this, is a part of me feels guilty for leaving, not being able to make this work, but I cannot stay here. It is miserable situation, I am sad and tired of it. I would rather be 2500 miles away where I know people than with family that does not want me. Every holiday I feel I am invited out of pity, or default because I live here.

There is nothing like sending an invite, email, text, phone call and receive no response or acknowledgement. Everyone is busy, but a quick "got your message, will get back to you" takes two seconds. When it happens more than a couple of times - well, I must be a fool.

Thanks for listening. I just need to move and stop crying about it. It is what it is.....

FeelingGreat

I'm so sorry 1life. Family dynamics can be difficult to start with, but add alcohol to the mix.....
Because you've done your best and it still wasn't enough, I'm glad you're moving away to a healthier situation. It will be hard to process the hurt though, and I hope you'll be able to get some counselling to help you come to terms with it.
When other people behave hurtfully I've found it helpful to say to myself 'I can't control other people's behaviour but I can control my reaction to it.'

Kallioya

Wow...hey MY1LIFE...I get you...I understand completely the family dynamic you are living with. I too live the same life.
My heart is with you...it's a tough situation to be in, but be strong and brave. Trust in yourself.
I am the odd duck out...I don't drink but the rest of my family does. I strive for honest open communication...the rest of my family doesn't. The conflict is underhanded, and cruel.
Soon you will be free...please know you're not alone.
Prayers are with you.

dandylion

Kallioya.....Have you ever checked out AdultChildrenofAlcoholics?
We also have a section, here, for that.....

dandylion

my1life

Thank you for the replies. Kalliyo, you are correct, that is exactly what happens. One of our parent's adds to the fun and games by playing all of the siblings against each other. This parent has even said to me it will all "come to light" when they are dead. When that was said to me, I knew it was a losing battle. Our family will never be even close to having normal relationships. FYI - I am not using genders, pronouns, etc, because of who may read this site.

FeelingGreat - I do try to keep this in mind at all times for my sanity. Moving away will help a great deal.

As for moving - once I move I will no longer be invited at holidays. When I did not live here, there were years I was told not to come. And it had nothing to do with staying with family, because I would have stayed in a hotel. I was simply not wanted.

On to a new day - thank you everyone.

Refiner

Sry their dysfunction is hurtful to you, my1. Perhaps this move to the area you know is just what the doctor ordered for you to move on from them. At least there isn't any gray area for you. The saying "you can't pick your family but you can pick your friends" seems very fitting for you. Take care...

iGirl66

It sounds like there are major personality disorder things going on too. Playing kids against each other is a favorite game of narcissist parents. Always remember that you have no part in their dysfunction. Going there to help, speaks of your ability to love. Your moving to get away from people who have no interest in being sober is a testament to your sanity.

You are going to be just fine. (((( hugs))))

Liveitwell

Just wanted to say I know your pain-my ex mother in law was notorious for talking about her kids horribly when they weren't around-and would triangulate like it was her job-I think she liked watching her son, my ex, running to her side to defend her as the "helpless victim". It was disgusting to watch. Leaving your situation is the only healthy choice. Good for you.

my1life

Thank you to all you for the input. It has been very helpful. I am finally at peace with myself with the decision to leave. Hope everyone has a great holiday weekend.