MilkAndSugar

Hi, I'm new here and I don't know what else to do anymore.
I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years, and he's been sober for a year and a half. He knows how proud I am of him and I support him as best as I can, never drink around him, don't keep any alcohol in my apartment etc.
I realised he was an alcoholic fairly early into our relationship and we had a lot of problems while he was drinking (cheating, lying, big arguments) but since he's been sober things have been anazing, he's a completely different person and we've discussed moving in together, marriage etc.
Anyway, for the past few days things haven't been great, he'd been distant, ignoring messages etc and I was getting worried and insisted we sort it out. It came out that for the past few weeks he'd been on drugs. What exactly I don't know, some weed substitute type thing he bought online. Naturally I was upset, it's dangerous and stupid as he does have a very addictive personality.
He told me that he was stopping though, that he had been ashamed to tell me but that he did because he knew he couldn't let it go any farther. He said that he gave into temptation but it would be easier next time to stop himself because he'd know the signs.
I'm sorry for rambling, but I don't know what to do. I've heard it all before, how he won't do it again, and it'll be different next time.
I love him so much, but I don't know if I can spend my life worrying about him and wondering what temptation he's going to give in to next time.
I'll take any advise I can get, but is he really likely to stop and be more aware of the signs because of this or am I just falling for more lies? 😞
Thanks, sorry if it's too long x

Butterfly

Hi milkandsugar. Welcome to SR. I'm sorry for what your going through. It's not easy believing an addict, although deep down I'm sure you want to. I know for me I'd heard all the promises before but there was no follow through.

I can't tell you whether you can believe him or not only you can answer that. One positive is that he has been sober for over a year. As for his recent drug use, will he stop as he says he will, only time will tell. As for marrying him and moving in together I wouldn't until you know he has his alcohol and drug use under control.

Is he engaging in support?

There is a saying on this forum, more will be revealed. (((Hugs)))

MilkAndSugar

Thanks for your reply, it means a lot.
He's a private person and has never really discussed what kind of support he gets or if he's using a particular system, so I've never tried to pry and find out more incase it bothered him.
He did say while we talked last night that he was ready to involve me in his recovery more. I've no idea what to expect from that though xx

Butterfly

Talk with him about what his recovery involves for him but try not to get to caught up in his recovery and his addiction. What happens as did with me was i became so caught up with ex a and his addiction and his thoughts and feelings I ignored my own, my focus became him as it does with many who are invovled with an addict.

Love will not change his addiction. For me what helped was reading all I could about addiction to help me understand, the stickies at the top of this forum are an excellent start.

By all means find out about his recovery supports and what he is doing but keep the focus on you, how you feel, what you want. Have you tried alanon? Its a good face to face support for those who have been affected by addiction and the focus is on you and your recovery.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome! Whether you can "believe" him or not depends in large part about whether he's actively involved in his own recovery. If all he's done is quit drinking, then it's very likely he'll continue to look for some substitute to fill the hole that drinking filled for him. Alcoholics and addicts are chasing something to satisfy some emptiness inside. There are other things involved in addiction, including physical changes, but the bottom line, in my experience, is that something more than simply putting down the drink or the drug is required for lasting sobriety.

I'd suggest Al-Anon, too--it was a life-saver for me when the alcoholics in my life were making me crazy.

redatlanta

There will always be some level of worry living with someone who is a recovered alcoholic; however, the grade of worry is certainly different if they are actively working a program. I don't worry per se whether or not my husband will relapse because I have a plan if he does. Every once in awhile my radar will go up, or I might wonder" is he headed for relapse"? Overall its not that much.

I am curious whether or not he did work a formal recovery program or if he just quit. That would have something to do with how I would advise you to proceed.

Not sure if he is telling you the truth or just quacking. He got caught - of course he is going to tell you what he "needs" to say. All well and good if he informs you his plans for recovery, but I wouldn't get looped into much more than that. Don't become responsible for his sobriety you'll be sorry.

The best advise I can give you at this point is to hold off on plans to move in. Truthfully I would want 2 years solid sobriety before I would date and or move forward further in a relationship. Relapses are always possible - best to stand back and see how he handles this one before you commit to living together.

MilkAndSugar

Thank you all so much for your help. I feel better knowing I have somewhere I can come to talk.
I'm going to read the stickies and see if there's anything else I can be doing.
I'm seeing him in a few hours and I'm going to hold him to his word that he'll involve me more by finding out what his actual plan is and where he's going to go from here.

Refiner

Hello and WELCOME! I think you've summed it up for yourself right here. You've endured up to five years and you already sound exhausted. Do you really want to commit to a lifetime of this? Because that's exactly what you're signing up for, IMHO. Do you love him THAT much to lose yourself for another person for a lifetime?

Praying

Welcome! The difficult thing I've found is that, when the behavior is discovered, it's often been going on much longer than I realized. I would be somewhat skeptical as to how much recovery he's really had, vs. shifting to other behaviors or substances. In my experience, it's only when the addiction really grabs hold that the distancing behavior and gaps of time appear. Usually it's been going on for weeks or months before that happens.

I only mention this because I'm generally "impressed" when someone achieves a solid year of sobriety. But I've also been disappointed more than once with multiple people at "apparent sobriety" that wasn't real due to substitution.

I think he needs more than "quitting"...a real program of active recovery. Hopefully that's what he's going toward (or back to). It's a lifelong daily commitment that takes WORK.

Keep learning and posting (if you want)! There's lots of wisdom here.

MilkAndSugar

Well, we spoke at length about it last night I'm going to give him a final chance. I've accepted the responsibility that if he is lying or does mess it up agsin that it'll be my fault for being naive.
I've made it clear that I won't even hesitate to finish it next time and that he needs to earn my trust again now.
We talked about his recovery plan and I was upset to learn he's been doing it alone, other than occasionally talking on SR. I've made him promise he'll get some other sort of support and I'm going to make sure he follows through.
I know this could all still go badly, but as exhausted as I am, I'm not ready to give in. I know I need to take care of myself too, so I'm going to look at any support groups etc that I could join. Thank you all so much for replying, it's been a dark few days and knowing there are others who understand and care has helped so much x

Butterfly

You have set a boundary, you will end the relationship next time. Im curious exactly what is next time, next time he relapses, if he doesnt engage in supports. When setting boundaires you have to be very clear as to what the next time means but you also have to follow through on what you say you will do. Boundaries are difficult and I always struggled with them and following through on what i would do. Its important that you do follow through or he will come to realise that you dont mean what you say and he can do whatever he wants and you will still be about. I use to tell my ex a that we would be over if he drank again or didnt get support but couldnt follow through so dont say anything you dont mean and that you cant follow through on.

Its not your fault if he messes up again, your not being naive for giving him another chance. His addiction and recovery is his responsibility, if he relapses thats his issue not yours. There is a saying here

You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it

His recovery is his, your recovery is yours.

((((Hugs))))

Cleo1234

We all know that feeling... and for some, me included, the anxiety i get worrying about the next time or my future with this man was too much for me to handle. I felt like i was always observing him or trying to smell for something suspicious. I was paranoid for good reason. I realized after we broke up that even the times i thought he was sober, he wasn't!
I understand you wanting to give him another chance.... i did the same about 10 times over. I would of saved myself some major heart ache had i meant what i said from the first time. When you keep giving them chances they begin to realize how weak we are and continue with their habits. Wish you the best... Its great that you have talked to your bf about boundaries and consequences. You will know if he's working a solid program. I don't feel like it should be your responsibly to be on top of him when it comes to his sobriety. He needs to do it because he wants to change, not because you're riding him. Id rather support and encourage him and time will tell.

honeypig

Hi, MilkAndSugar--welcome to SR. I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in. However, the portion I quoted from your post is concerning, especially the part I bolded. There is NO part of his recovery plan (or lack thereof) that is yours to be "upset" about, nor is there a place for you "making him promise" to do anything or "making sure he follows thru." That is all on him, every last bit.

You simply don't have that level of control over other people--ANY other people. Sure, you can get him to say he'll do such and so, but the words mean nothing. It's the actions that tell the tale.

It would be much more productive to turn your energy to working on yourself. That way, no matter what the A in your life does or doesn't do, you've made progress in your own life. "Support groups" that are often helpful for those in our shoes include Alanon, Celebrate Recovery and SR. You might want to start your search for face-to-face support w/Alanon or CR.

I'm glad you found us here at SR and I hope you can take some time to read around this forum. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. I think you may get a different perspective on things. If all it took to get an A sober was for their spouse/partner to "make them promise" things, this board would not exist....