SadInTX

I am just upset and need to reach out before I lose it. I have been thinking about leaving my AH for months now. I had looked at apartments, looked at rental homes, making my plan B, all the while trying to make it work with my husband. Last week we separated (see my previous post) and I have been staying with a friend. I have looked at two rental homes and looked at two apartments, trying to make the best decision for my kids. I finally decided that the rental home is where the better school would be for my kids. I got a money order for the application fee and dropped it off at the realtor last Thursday. They still have not processed it. apparently the woman that owns the house takes her time. My realtor has told them the urgency in my situation. It looks like I will be forced to get the apartment. My AH text me last night asking me to let him know which day I would be there to pack my stuff. He doesn't want his kids (my step kids) to be there so they will go to their mom's. So I text him Thursday. I am taking off work to pack. But I still do not have a place to live yet! My kids are with their dad for two weeks. I get them back on Sunday night. He text me if I wanted to see them Thursday, I said I had plans. Then how about Wed or Fri night? I said I appreciate the extra time but I can't. He text asking me if I was ok. I cannot tell him anything until I have a place to live. I think he will be happy that I am not with AH (he doesn't know he is drinking) but I can't trust him...he took me to court for custody last year. I am just upset. I miss my AH, yes, even after everything he has done...but I know it is best I move. Now that I am ready it isn't going so well. I know this is temporary, but you all have been so kind in the past giving me encouragement and I really need that right now. Thanks

Lilro

Unfortunately we get so used to the chaos that it makes the decision to leave harder than we ever imagined. What would you tell your best friend if the situation were reversed? You can do this!!! Think of the children. I know it's hard but you know what to do... You are halfway out the door... Keep moving forward....
Stay strong.... You are almost there.... >>>>>>>>>>>>>

AnvilheadII

you have done the footwork, have made some tough decisions, now give the Universe a teensy bit more time to work it all out. breathe!

Lilro

Yes!!!! Take a deep breath and do it girl..... You've got this!!!!

healthyagain

It will get better, I promise! With every breath, with every step. You are overwhelmed now and there is uncertainty. You did what you had to do. Now, you only have to let things happen.

CarmenLove

You are doing great. It will be OK.

Kimmieh

Wow, I am in awe of you! I cannot even imagine going through all that with kids. Just a few tiny steps more. It will be so worth it! <3

theuncertainty

(((((hugs))))) It might feel uncertain and a bit chaotic, but I trust that it'll work out for you. You've done the hardest part. Just keep on with the next step and then the next one.

Jaeger

SadinTX,
I haven't been in your position yet but feel things rapidly moving that way. I'm writing to cheer you on! I know it is hard but think about the peace you will have once you get through this! No more anxiety wondering what situation you will find at home. Sadly, my AH learned nothing from his DUI either. He said he did and abstained from drinking for 7 months. That was 4 yrs ago and his drinking and our home environment is worse than ever. Believe me too when I say it IS affecting your kids. It doesn't matter if it is only their step sad. My AH is my kids stepdad too. I feel so much guilt for THIS being our life and yet I'm still here. You can do this!!!

Liveitwell

You're doing the right thing for you and the kids-never doubt that. With great pain cones great gain. I'm living proof of that. I've been in your shoes and boy oh boy it was rough BUT everyone here telling me I would be better was right (and unfortunately ny AH was not unique as I thought and everything they said about his actions were 100% accurate as well). Kudos to you for making the tough, smart, right, healthy choice!

NYCDoglvr

There are always hurdles & roadblocks in life. I suggest just focusing on doing the next right thing. It doesn't mean everything will go wrong, it's a hic-up. You're doing great during a very difficult period. A big hug.

SadInTX

Thank you! I just feel extreme pressure to get into a place before Sunday since that is when I get my kids back from their dad, but I guess I may just swallow my pride and gather some courage and talk to their dad...tell him I have left my husband and trying to make the right move the best move for my kids. Where I live affects where they go to school....I just wish I had family here like my dad or an aunt to go stay with for like a month...it stinks being in a town with no family...but at least I have a few friends that I can lean on.
I went to an Al Anon meeting yesterday...I just kind of felt out of place for some reason. But, I will give it 6 meetings, just like they suggest...

LexieCat

I'd talk to the kiddos' dad rather than take a place that is less than optimal for them. This is actually an ideal time--they are out of school, so there really isn't any urgency other than what you are putting on yourself.

I wouldn't tell your ex all the gory details, just that the marriage hasn't worked out, that it's best for you and the kids to leave, and that you are working on finding the very best place for you to live. If you later have to disclose more information, you can decide that later. For right now I'd keep it simple, express your appreciation for his help with the kids right now, and assure him that you will keep him posted and do your very best to get things situated as quickly as possible. He may surprise you.

healthyagain

I think you should tell their dad. He might sense that something is going on anyway, and these are his kids. He will discover it sooner or later. How would you feel in his shoes? Besides, he might show understanding, and you might even get some help with the kids. Honesty is the best policy, IMHO.

SadInTX

I scheduled to see some more rental houses later today...I am just afraid if I could lose that one apartment that I have been looking at as the back up, but I have to realize that there are other apartments...I am usually a very strong and independent woman...and this change (even it if will be for the better) has really done a number on my self esteem and decision making. Thank God I have this forum and friends that I can go to when my heart is hurting and I need to think with my head not my heart...

firebolt

You're doing great given your circumstances. Keep moving forward - all this emotional stuff will start to plane out once you get settled into a new place. YOU GOT THIS!

theuncertainty

It's really hard when kiddo's are involved. I remember leaving AXH (just BF at the time) the first time; it was just me. I just threw stuff in the car, found a place during my lunch hour in a less-than-ideal part of town, but that was OK; they allowed a 3 month 'lease'. I could handle 3 mos.

With DS, it took a lot more work. And I didn't even have to worry about school yet. You're doing good. I'd agree with Lexi: if the kids can hang with their Dad a little longer and you can hold back the anxiety, don't settle for the less-than-perfect school area. If the back-up apartment ends up gone, there'll be another less-than-perfect one out there. Besides, wouldn't it be lame to be tied into a lease there and then be told you got the perfect one? ((((hugs))))

dandylion

Sad......I notice that you have indicated that your father is willing to h elp you....and, financially, if necessary. Perhaps he would be willing to co-sign a lease with you. That might help......

To me...putting the crux of the decision on "perfect" schools is missing the main point, right now. I think it would be mo re helpful to be more flexible in looking at the situation. This first move could well be seen a temporary move.....and a different l iving place in 3---6mo.....or even a year might be m ore realistic. It is hard to find "perfect" in a crisis situation.

Children are capable of moving schools without "lifetime trauma".
At their ages---stress between the parents within the home will trump any stress of changing schools...

I say to look under every rock....consider all possible scenarios.....and, it wouldn't hurt to ask the dv center for suggestions of where you might get in more easily----they have resources that you don't and they deal with this kind of situation every day......
It is truly a think out of the box time..... lol!

dandylion

Mango blast

Gentle hugs.

This is a phase. These in-between difficulties will pass. What I have found is there are no right or wrong answers. Instead there are possibilities and choices.

Congrats on making it to your first Alanon meeting. Our group tends to welcome newcomers with the invite to try 6 meetings, and then try 6 more. My husband recently said he doesn't feel comfortable at AA meetings. I laughed as I recalled how nothing I've done in the past year has been comfortable! What a wonderful thing for me to look at this now and realize I need to get out of my comfort zone to grow. I could never have gotten to where I am in one great leap alone, but it has happened one day at a time and by connecting with others who understand, even when I often don't.

There's only two meetings I really didn't want to visit again. Yesterday I went back to one of them (a year later) and it was a great meeting. My thoughts and behaviors have changed, I saw some familiar people from other meetings, and the meeting place has different furniture now. I had stayed away because I disliked the furniture and the people that day, yet I found some other meetings I could tolerate.

I'm starting to enjoy going to meetings now, and that seems to be happening as I learn to have better relationships with myself and others.

Edit: I forgot about the DV. Maybe those meetings are enough for now? Sometimes DV needs seperate help for a bit first. Plenty of people at Alanon have been there, also, but for some it can be triggering in other ways. No matter the route, there is help and if you open yourself to it, you will find it.

Be gentle with yourself. You are important, too. If you find a house or apartment that feels good to you, for whatever reason, it's okay to trust yourself and do this for you, not just your kids. Kids are adaptable. You being happy and healthy will be good for them too!

SadInTX

Dandylion: thank you so much. I am actually going to look at four more rental houses this afternoon. I didn't think about my dad co signing...that is a great idea! Yes, I can get into that apartment for a short lease. No, it is not ideal, but as you said, it would get me out of the toxic environment and protect myself and my kids. I just feel like a failure for going back to him last year. I don't want my kids to feel like they are being moved around all the time. They need the stability. Once I get into a place I will start to save money for our long term home...this just sucks. I know it never works out like you plan it...but at least I am doing something..I am getting out.