Scared of regretting leaving

Old 06-29-2015, 09:56 PM
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Scared of regretting leaving

I'm new to this (today) so I'm sorry if it feels like I'm rambling or not making sense.
I'm 27, I met my boyfriend when I was 10 initially, we didn't start taking till I was about 16 though, then we lost contact till 3 years ago.
I always knew he did drugs when he was younger, I thought speed and ecstasy.
When we started hanging out again I asked him if he still did drugs, as my brother struggles with addiction and I have no control over the fact he is in my life, but with him I did have control, I said if you are, I will walk away.
Obviously he lied and said he wasn't using. The first year I was clueless as to the signs of being with an addict, the not sleeping, rage outbursts, not eating, he hid very well, he's always worked and is still working.
After the first year it all came out because we had a argument. I've loved this guy since before I can remember, I promised to help. We would get help and work thru it together. He was like a broken child when he told me, my heart couldn't have broken more for him if I tried. At this stage we had our own place. We moved into my mums (to save to by our own house) there was many times I thought he was using but he would say no. I wanted to believe him and i didn't want to rock the boat because when we would fight he would somehow always turn it around on my and say he would kill himself if I left.
I busted him using probably about 5 times, the last time
I found him in the garage with it, I said that was it, he had to leave. (Forgot to mention by now I had realised his drug addiction was to meth)
He left and we broke up, but he was never far from me as he would message and call all the time, he had lost about 20 kilos, I would meet up with him most days to give him food and whatever else he needed, never money, I thought I was helping. 4 times I took him to the psych ward as I found him
Cutting himself and trying to hang himself - all while broken up.
The last time he was in hospital I realised I wanted to make this work, he moved in with a sober family who have been fabulous. This was October last year. He used again at Christmas and I knew straight away- I can pick up over text or just by looking at him now if he's used.
I said we woke get thru it. Last week again I knew he had used, I asked him to take a test, he did, he lied even when he failed it, then he admitted it. I said I didn't know what to do this time as I feel broken, I feel like I don't know what to do, I love him, beyond words, but I can't have my life like this anymore. I want a family and a life and I don't want children with an addict, I knew he was a addict, how do I tell my children that.
The next day I knew he had used again and I also found out he had lied about other things, I said we were done. Instantly i felt a relief, free.
But now, 4 days later, I don't know what I feel. I told him I feel trapped. With him I don't trust him, don't believe him and don't love him like I use to. But without him I don't want him to spiral out of control as I know he does with out and would never forgive myself if something did happen to him.
Then I think he does love me, love like I've never known, what if I never get that again? What if I feel free now then 6 months down the track I want to back and wish I had helped move but it's too late and he's gone? As always he promises that world once we've broke up. But what if this is it? I feel like I'm rambling and I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. I was trying to make as short as possible.
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Old 06-29-2015, 11:02 PM
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I had to come look at your post after you compared our situations. I've been where you are, and it's one of the hardest things I've ever done.

From your post, I'm assuming you're still in contact. This is something I'm struggling with right now, but one thing I do know is that you can't help him unless he wants it. My addict was using both meth and heroin and had been clean for almost a year until he started drinking (he's still not using drugs, but it doesn't matter does it?) Unless you've got strong restraint, you "being done" won't last long unless you really acknowledge how bad he is for you, no matter how much you love him. I won't tell you what to do, cause that never worked for me, but please be cautious with your heart. If all the red flags are going up, telling you to leave, then that's what you need to do. There's no doubt there's love in this relationship, but take it from someone who has been there, sometimes love just isn't enough, no matter how desperately you want it to be.

My heart aches for you, hun. I know how hard this is and I hope the best for you and your addict. Just remember, he's not the only one you need to take care of. You come first!
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Old 06-29-2015, 11:52 PM
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Aw thankyou. Coming on here today has helped so much. Knowing you aren't the one person going through it.
Yeah we still are in contact, him begging for another chance and saying he will do whatever it is. When he does relapse because it is only one time, he doesn't go on benders or anything, after reading other people's stories I think I should be grateful! Argh. What they do to our minds.
So frustrating not knowing what to do!
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Old 06-30-2015, 04:46 AM
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Welcome Berrylife to SR.

Partners of addicts accept gas lighting. We start to question our own senses and buy into or overvalue the addict's version of reality. Likely your family history 'trained' you to want to save him or prove your value via being a sacrificing 'soul mate.' We tend to get hooked on the drama. We tend to have a lack of boundaries.

One of the things that helped me start making my changes in behavior towards my addict is my son. I started laying down consequences for my addict like he was a child. Because I don't care for spoiled ungrateful kids - I no longer tolerate addict behavior in my home. Having an addict for your partner - even a recovering one - is like dealing with a petulant child/teen. At 14, my son is often more mature and insightful that his father.

My H is sober for 2+ years, but he still has issues with maturity and emotional expression. It wears you down to know that your partner just may not be able to cope with whatever life throws at him/her/your family/his family/you. I've known my H since we were 11. We've been married 21 Y.

If you don't want this life - then keep walking away from it.
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Old 06-30-2015, 05:45 AM
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Hi Berrylife,

I know this is hard. And, you will be OK.

Breath. Take a step back and then turn the focus on to you (hard I know, and very important).

Time and focus on you and your healing will sort things out.

How are you feeling?

Hugs.
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