dunkelheit

Did anyone else find themselves going to the liquor store every single day, instead of just loading up on a week, or so's worth of booze? I was the every day type of person. I think I subconsciously thought every bottle would be my last, but it never was.

It's just, looking back, I'm trying to figure out what I was thinking. At no point did I just buy two, or three bottles, unless there was a civic holiday coming up or something. It was just constant anxiety, like, "Oh crap. The liquor store's going to close in half an hour, have to get there on time." And if the local store was closed, I'd drive halfway across town to the one that was open later.

Anyway, here are some song lyrics I like. They remind me of what my life was like as an addict, just being alone every night with my demons, and having only one escape. And one day I looked in the mirror, and I didn't even recognize myself. I just saw this stranger looking back at me. That's one of the worst feelings.

Over and over
Ruling my mind
A veil for depression
A fix for my eyes
Out of the city
Into the house
Up through my hallway
To force itself
To force itself down

Down in the night
It's taking me
Down in the night
It's keeping me
Down in the night
It's here with me
Down in the night
And I want it all

Older and older
Fooled more than twice
Used up my chances
Ruined my life
Never a reason
No one around
Nothing can stop me
From drinking it
From drinking it down

I don't mean to be depressing, I just think it's useful to get this stuff out. I never went to AA, or anything. I think I was just constantly trying to break out of my crippling depression, because I still had some kind of will to live left buried under the flesh somewhere. Then I woke up 1.5 years later and decided to break the cycle.

I don't know what I'm asking for really. Just something to relate to.

biminiblue

I would buy on a daily or every other day basis.

At rotating stores, of course. The worst thing was when we went from State controlled liquor stores to every store selling it. That coincided with a spike in my hard alcohol drinking. I think I figured if I had to go to the store I'd drink less - so one bottle at a time. When I got to handles, I was drinking waaaaaay too much

Yeah, write about your thoughts, it helps us all - and hopefully you. Thanks for your post.

lterry

I went daily because I knew if I bought large quantities at one time I'd drink it all. So if I went daily and bought smaller quantities I was in control. Lol. But then after I finished I then just go to my local watering hole around the corner anyway. It's funny how we justify things in our heads.

And I wrote in a journal alot in the early sobriety days. Helps. I do some AA, some Celebrate Recovery, but alot of church prayer and Bible.

I've been sober 16 months and am amazed that I have accomplished this day to day task and how much better my life has improved.

SDH73

Naw, weekly trips to the liquor store, here. There were 4 liquor stores that I used to rotate and I didn't feel bad about buying a whole lot of booze once a month at each of them. Although in hindsight, just that one trip a month would have still been an awful lot for a normie to be buying.

JensDestiny

I was a daily purchaser but would try to avoid the liquor store because they were always more expensive. I would generally try to buy from Walmart or CVS and never run out on a Sunday.

Soberpotamus

I bought only a bottle or two of wine at a time, because I would drink less that way. Sad but true. I bought alcohol every three days or so.

trachemys

Geez Bim, did you have to steal my thunder? My behavior was identical. A handle every two days was pretty normal.

What's revealing is that I first wrote "my experience was identical". I realized that was wrong. "My behavior..." is truthful.

Mountainmanbob

I stocked up heavy at home and bought at liquor stores as I drove around town. Never really without.

Once at around 7AM at a liquor store buying a 6 or 12 pack the owner asked of me, "are you sure you need that ?" Apparently he knew something that I didn't realize.

MM

sg1970

Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. And I rotated stores as well so the people working there wouldn't know I was an alkie

Soberpotamus

The store I frequented most was a Rite-Aid and it was to the point where the sales ladies and cashiers would ask for my opinions and advice on picking wine. Ugh. And I always thought that was ridiculous considering I was buying cheap wine. They had no idea about wine or what was good, lol. I couldn't afford really good wine anyway. Not at the rate I drank it. The whole thing was just sick irony.

dunkelheit

There was a time when I switched to wine, so it looked like I was just having a glass with dinner or something. But yes, I did the store rotation thing as well, so I always had bottles of wine on hand. When I switched back to hard liquor, I hardly cared anymore.

sva777

I also did the store rotation, 7-11 to CVS to grocery store... I liked to mix it up so nobody knew I was such an alcoholic.

I used to work at a supermarket when I was younger and I remember the alcoholics who came in buying cases of beer and liquor every night. I always felt bad for them, then of course I became one of them.

Angie247

I was an everyday buyer and when I moved was when I rotated stores so no one would suspect anything. Once before I moved, I was at food4less and did not have alcohol the young guy behind the counter said "no beer? No vodka?" I wasn't a vodka drinker, it was always beer. There were people behind me in line and I wanted to crawl in a hole because he said it loudly. I mumbled an embarrassed "no." The store manager was right behind him and I think he got into a bit of trouble for saying that. When I came back in she apologized to me and said she had talked to him. He wasn't around long after that and I felt bad that my alcoholism had gotten him in trouble even if it was not professional what he said.

MasCowbell

I am only on day 2 but heres what I USED to do. I was an every day buyer. Like others I rotated stores and hoped to not see the same person at the register. If I didn't recognize the person at the register (which was rare) I got pretty excited and all the sudden had more confidence that they wouldn't know me and was I really was. Not sure how my body handled it but I was up to a fifth of Vodka per day.

Olive1

I was an every day purchaser as well and would also rotate stores. Even though I had stopped long before they started selling it in every store here, I was still pretty miffed when it happened...like, why couldn't they have done it while I was still drinking?! It would have made all the lurking around to different stores so unnecessary!
Thinking now, though, that had I still been drinking when they changed, I am pretty sure I wouldn't be here today.

Carla71

Daily buyer here too. I had 5 different stores I rotated. I remember one time I went to a local grocery store about 8am, and the cashier refused to sell it to me. I remember her saying, " You're intoxicated. I saw you stumble when you came in." Talk about humiliating and embarrassing.

2muchpain

I used to rotate stores every other day. I'd look at some people that fill a cart with liquor and figured if I bought all that, I'd probably drink myself to death.
But then again, I used to stock up on Friday's for the weekend, but it never lasted. The one time I got a DUI was when I ran out on a Sunday and liquor stores closed. So I got the bright idea of driving across state lines to a state that sells on Sundays. Couldn't wait to get home. Drank a cup or two of vodka. Well, got lost going home. Passing drivers called the police saying someone was driving all over the road. Apparently sideswiped a few cars. Eventually pulled over with two cops with guns drawn. Not a good day. Moral of this story, don't drink and..........well.........don't drink period.

tnjeeper

Daily buyer here as well and sometimes I'd want more and drive back out and get more. Not the brightest idea. I basically just had 2 stores I frequented and they all knew me and pretty much my birthday. When I'd go shopping with the wife I would not buy anything cause I mostly did it while she was at work. When I didn't buy any the store clerk said what,no beer today. Wife did not think that was funny at all. Now I see it more clearly

dunkelheit

Same story here (I'm also on day 2). I was also drinking a fifth of vodka every night. I'm 5'4, 115lbs though, so it's amazing my liver tests came back normal. I'm so lucky.

least

I bought at least a bottle of wine a day, usually more, and when I'd run out I'd go out and get another one or two bottles. I am blessed that I never got stopped or had an accident.