Is hate bad?
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Is hate bad?
I think I hate exabf.
I also hate myself a little too because he used me, or at least I feel used... I feel embarrassed because I forgave his lies, insults, emotional abuse and probably even cheating.
I thought that if he loved me we could work through it together....
Truth is, I'm not even sure he ever loved me. Maybe it was just a game.
Sorry. It's probably just a bad day...
I also hate myself a little too because he used me, or at least I feel used... I feel embarrassed because I forgave his lies, insults, emotional abuse and probably even cheating.
I thought that if he loved me we could work through it together....
Truth is, I'm not even sure he ever loved me. Maybe it was just a game.
Sorry. It's probably just a bad day...
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Hate is damaging. Doesn't mean you take him back and believe and love him, but hate will lead to bitterness and destroy you. It's hard to know when you are in the midst of the pain if the alcoholic loves you or not. Work on you and let him be. If he gets the help he needs and you are meant to be it will work out. You need to be whole on your own without him before you can ever be enough with him. Don't hate yourself either. We've all fallen for the lies and manipulation. I understand the feeling stupid for believing. We believe them because we love them. We can't change them, we can only change us and how we allow them to affect us. Someone once told me to not let anyone rent space in my head. Meaning don't let his actions take up space in your head. You deserve so much better.
Hugs to you!
Hugs to you!
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You can choose to remain in a very negative head space or do something to change it. What moved me from hatred was Alanon, where I realized the big problem was me, because I picked someone so dysfunctional, incapable of having a relationship and stayed there. I learned to deal with my issues of low self esteem so I could choose more wisely. So I recommend Alanon.
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Originally Posted by Timetoheal12 
I think I hate exabf.
I also hate myself a little too because he used me, or at least I feel used... I feel embarrassed because I forgave his lies, insults, emotional abuse and probably even cheating.
I thought that if he loved me we could work through it together....
Truth is, I'm not even sure he ever loved me. Maybe it was just a game.
Sorry. It's probably just a bad day...
I also hate myself a little too because he used me, or at least I feel used... I feel embarrassed because I forgave his lies, insults, emotional abuse and probably even cheating.
I thought that if he loved me we could work through it together....
Truth is, I'm not even sure he ever loved me. Maybe it was just a game.
Sorry. It's probably just a bad day...
I totally know how you're feeling... i'm in the same place you are at the moment : /
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I think it's totally fine to dislike someone, to never want to see or hear from him again. Hate IS destructive--resentment will eat away at your insides. Don't worry about forgiving him (yet--forgiveness can be very freeing when you are ready to do it), just work on thinking of him as a very sick soul who inflicted that sickness onto you. Don't touch him with the proverbial 10-foot pole, but don't waste your precious mental and emotional energy hating him. Or yourself.
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Originally Posted by megsykreeg
Hate is damaging. Doesn't mean you take him back and believe and love him, but hate will lead to bitterness and destroy you. It's hard to know when you are in the midst of the pain if the alcoholic loves you or not. Work on you and let him be. If he gets the help he needs and you are meant to be it will work out. You need to be whole on your own without him before you can ever be enough with him. Don't hate yourself either. We've all fallen for the lies and manipulation. I understand the feeling stupid for believing. We believe them because we love them. We can't change them, we can only change us and how we allow them to affect us. Someone once told me to not let anyone rent space in my head. Meaning don't let his actions take up space in your head. You deserve so much better.
Hugs to you!
Hugs to you!
Thankyou for the advice and the hugs. :-))))
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
You can choose to remain in a very negative head space or do something to change it. What moved me from hatred was Alanon, where I realized the big problem was me, because I picked someone so dysfunctional, incapable of having a relationship and stayed there. I learned to deal with my issues of low self esteem so I could choose more wisely. So I recommend Alanon.
Also, my self esteem does need to improve...
I'll be working on that 😃
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
I think it's totally fine to dislike someone, to never want to see or hear from him again. Hate IS destructive--resentment will eat away at your insides. Don't worry about forgiving him (yet--forgiveness can be very freeing when you are ready to do it), just work on thinking of him as a very sick soul who inflicted that sickness onto you. Don't touch him with the proverbial 10-foot pole, but don't waste your precious mental and emotional energy hating him. Or yourself.
I will print this... thank you!
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I have to be devils advocate on this a little bit.
We codies love HARD. The destructive relationships we choose are an 8 on the Richter scale - literally - if the highs and lows of our relationships were a graph based on a neutral line, the good times spike so far above neutral, and bad times spike so low below neutral that we call it a roller coaster. Non addict / codie, or narcissist / empath relationships are often little more than rolling hills and valleys on the same chart.
When it ends, (usually poorly because of the nature of the relationship in the first place) we take it HARD. We go through the normal grieving process, but with fury. Our sadness translates to depression, and our "anger" part of the grieving process can translate to "hatred" (especially when we add our anger at ourselves to our anger at them.)
Once you recognize your role in it's entirety (and you seem to be getting there swiftly - good job
) you will begin to forgive him - after all, he was just being himself. There are a lot of crappy people in the world - we don't hate them all. Once you forgive him, you can work on forgiving yourself. You are a very smart woman - you do not deserve the ruthless judgment you give yourself for choosing him. Realize that life is a learning process and we'll get better and better. Once you forgive yourself, the "hatred" should float away.
Keep taking care of yourself - maybe do some service work if you have time and don't already. Try to have compassion - from a far, far distance for him. Unless he can let go of drink and do some extremely difficult work on himself, he will never have a fulfilling life, and it can end very very sick, and sadly in short order. The best combatant for the hatred you are feeling is LOVE. For yourself and others.
I think we use the word hate, because it is closest to the strength of our feelings. If it came down to it, I don't think you would wish upon or be able to inflict a physical manifestation of hatred on him.
That all being said, people can SINK themselves into hatred. SOME feelings of hate I think are natural after a trauma - You recognize it, and can do things to help yourself out of it. (((HUGS)))
We codies love HARD. The destructive relationships we choose are an 8 on the Richter scale - literally - if the highs and lows of our relationships were a graph based on a neutral line, the good times spike so far above neutral, and bad times spike so low below neutral that we call it a roller coaster. Non addict / codie, or narcissist / empath relationships are often little more than rolling hills and valleys on the same chart.
When it ends, (usually poorly because of the nature of the relationship in the first place) we take it HARD. We go through the normal grieving process, but with fury. Our sadness translates to depression, and our "anger" part of the grieving process can translate to "hatred" (especially when we add our anger at ourselves to our anger at them.)
Once you recognize your role in it's entirety (and you seem to be getting there swiftly - good job
) you will begin to forgive him - after all, he was just being himself. There are a lot of crappy people in the world - we don't hate them all. Once you forgive him, you can work on forgiving yourself. You are a very smart woman - you do not deserve the ruthless judgment you give yourself for choosing him. Realize that life is a learning process and we'll get better and better. Once you forgive yourself, the "hatred" should float away.Keep taking care of yourself - maybe do some service work if you have time and don't already. Try to have compassion - from a far, far distance for him. Unless he can let go of drink and do some extremely difficult work on himself, he will never have a fulfilling life, and it can end very very sick, and sadly in short order. The best combatant for the hatred you are feeling is LOVE. For yourself and others.
I think we use the word hate, because it is closest to the strength of our feelings. If it came down to it, I don't think you would wish upon or be able to inflict a physical manifestation of hatred on him.
That all being said, people can SINK themselves into hatred. SOME feelings of hate I think are natural after a trauma - You recognize it, and can do things to help yourself out of it. (((HUGS)))
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I've heard it said we can't love others unless we love ourselves...can the same be said of hate? Maybe that's why A's can sometimes spew it so well.
Usually when I unravel my strong negative feelings I find a home in myself--that is, they stem from things I don't want to look at or need to change in my own character or behavior. And darn it--I'M NOT READY TO LOOK YET!!! So I'll be angry a while. I'm coming out of one of these experiences right now. I can see them more clearly than I used to, but sometimes I still let it happen.
Forgive yourself and peace will come.
Usually when I unravel my strong negative feelings I find a home in myself--that is, they stem from things I don't want to look at or need to change in my own character or behavior. And darn it--I'M NOT READY TO LOOK YET!!! So I'll be angry a while. I'm coming out of one of these experiences right now. I can see them more clearly than I used to, but sometimes I still let it happen.
Forgive yourself and peace will come.
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Originally Posted by firebolt
I have to be devils advocate on this a little bit.
We codies love HARD. The destructive relationships we choose are an 8 on the Richter scale - literally - if the highs and lows of our relationships were a graph based on a neutral line, the good times spike so far above neutral, and bad times spike so low below neutral that we call it a roller coaster. Non addict / codie, or narcissist / empath relationships are often little more than rolling hills and valleys on the same chart.
When it ends, (usually poorly because of the nature of the relationship in the first place) we take it HARD. We go through the normal grieving process, but with fury. Our sadness translates to depression, and our "anger" part of the grieving process can translate to "hatred" (especially when we add our anger at ourselves to our anger at them.)
Once you recognize your role in it's entirety (and you seem to be getting there swiftly - good job ) you will begin to forgive him - after all, he was just being himself. There are a lot of crappy people in the world - we don't hate them all. Once you forgive him, you can work on forgiving yourself. You are a very smart woman - you do not deserve the ruthless judgment you give yourself for choosing him. Realize that life is a learning process and we'll get better and better. Once you forgive yourself, the "hatred" should float away.
Keep taking care of yourself - maybe do some service work if you have time and don't already. Try to have compassion - from a far, far distance for him. Unless he can let go of drink and do some extremely difficult work on himself, he will never have a fulfilling life, and it can end very very sick, and sadly in short order. The best combatant for the hatred you are feeling is LOVE. For yourself and others.
I think we use the word hate, because it is closest to the strength of our feelings. If it came down to it, I don't think you would wish upon or be able to inflict a physical manifestation of hatred on him.
That all being said, people can SINK themselves into hatred. SOME feelings of hate I think are natural after a trauma - You recognize it, and can do things to help yourself out of it. (((HUGS)))
We codies love HARD. The destructive relationships we choose are an 8 on the Richter scale - literally - if the highs and lows of our relationships were a graph based on a neutral line, the good times spike so far above neutral, and bad times spike so low below neutral that we call it a roller coaster. Non addict / codie, or narcissist / empath relationships are often little more than rolling hills and valleys on the same chart.
When it ends, (usually poorly because of the nature of the relationship in the first place) we take it HARD. We go through the normal grieving process, but with fury. Our sadness translates to depression, and our "anger" part of the grieving process can translate to "hatred" (especially when we add our anger at ourselves to our anger at them.)
Once you recognize your role in it's entirety (and you seem to be getting there swiftly - good job
) you will begin to forgive him - after all, he was just being himself. There are a lot of crappy people in the world - we don't hate them all. Once you forgive him, you can work on forgiving yourself. You are a very smart woman - you do not deserve the ruthless judgment you give yourself for choosing him. Realize that life is a learning process and we'll get better and better. Once you forgive yourself, the "hatred" should float away.Keep taking care of yourself - maybe do some service work if you have time and don't already. Try to have compassion - from a far, far distance for him. Unless he can let go of drink and do some extremely difficult work on himself, he will never have a fulfilling life, and it can end very very sick, and sadly in short order. The best combatant for the hatred you are feeling is LOVE. For yourself and others.
I think we use the word hate, because it is closest to the strength of our feelings. If it came down to it, I don't think you would wish upon or be able to inflict a physical manifestation of hatred on him.
That all being said, people can SINK themselves into hatred. SOME feelings of hate I think are natural after a trauma - You recognize it, and can do things to help yourself out of it. (((HUGS)))
I do have to admit that I sorta feel lucky... From now on, I'll be completely aware when it comes to guys treating me with respect (or lack of it)... I even took time to realize (or maybe, to admit) that exabf was disrespectful even before we started dating. I remember one day while messaging via Facebook with him he told me he was naked, lol, he didn't added anything else and I didn't said anything about it but it seemed a bit awkward...
Well... And no, I would not harm him, I am afraid of him, and even if I weren't I wouldn't still harm him.
Thanks for your response.
The hardest part, honestly, is to forgive myself.
But I think that when I do I'all be just fine. Having learned and lived all of this at age 21 makes me feel like there's hope. Like I will have another chance with love. A healthy one.
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Originally Posted by Praying
I've heard it said we can't love others unless we love ourselves...can the same be said of hate? Maybe that's why A's can sometimes spew it so well.
Usually when I unravel my strong negative feelings I find a home in myself--that is, they stem from things I don't want to look at or need to change in my own character or behavior. And darn it--I'M NOT READY TO LOOK YET!!! So I'll be angry a while. I'm coming out of one of these experiences right now. I can see them more clearly than I used to, but sometimes I still let it happen.
Forgive yourself and peace will come.
Usually when I unravel my strong negative feelings I find a home in myself--that is, they stem from things I don't want to look at or need to change in my own character or behavior. And darn it--I'M NOT READY TO LOOK YET!!! So I'll be angry a while. I'm coming out of one of these experiences right now. I can see them more clearly than I used to, but sometimes I still let it happen.
Forgive yourself and peace will come.
I do need to forgive myself and learn from this.
Thank you!
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I have a lot of anger. Probably almost hate. I realize though it's just my sadness and pain. Admitting hurt is hard because it puts them in control in a way. I've been trying to allow that though because I believe hurt is easier to get over than hate.
You're probably just going through the stages of grief. It's totally acceptable as long as you don't carry it too long.
You're probably just going through the stages of grief. It's totally acceptable as long as you don't carry it too long.
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Originally Posted by Ap052183
I have a lot of anger. Probably almost hate. I realize though it's just my sadness and pain. Admitting hurt is hard because it puts them in control in a way. I've been trying to allow that though because I believe hurt is easier to get over than hate.
You're probably just going through the stages of grief. It's totally acceptable as long as you don't carry it too long.
You're probably just going through the stages of grief. It's totally acceptable as long as you don't carry it too long.
I don't think that gives him power in any way since he can't really know how I'm feeling, because I went no contact.And... I think that in some way, turning hurt into anger (at least temporarily) is a good thing.
If it wasn't temporary and it became normal, I would need to learn some coping skills and perhaps maybe even try to see what is what I'm repressing...
But right now I think it really isn't that bad. I guess this will be a long long night. I have many things to think about....
Thanks! : -)
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It can be easier to just say I hate them, than having to face the consequences of our own choices.
Hate takes alot of energy. Having to carry around all the negative, raw emotion, on a daily basis , will turn you into someone that you won't even recognize.
What I have come to accept about alcoholism is this: the battle the addict is fighting is not with you, but with themselves.
Best I can offer, let it go, take back your life, and allow yourself to go forward.
Hugs to you.
Hate takes alot of energy. Having to carry around all the negative, raw emotion, on a daily basis , will turn you into someone that you won't even recognize.
What I have come to accept about alcoholism is this: the battle the addict is fighting is not with you, but with themselves.
Best I can offer, let it go, take back your life, and allow yourself to go forward.
Hugs to you.
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I get it. You got cut and the wound hasn't completely healed yet. The trick is to not keep ripping it open. Fire bolt is right. We can love hard. Frankly, I never want to lose that capability. But we must love hard from a healthy place.
When my ex sent me a msg saying that he wanted me to know that I had been dealing with a "spiritually unhealthy person" ( he still is, but has new justifications for it now). I told him that I was in a relationship with him and he was in a a relationship with his DOC. None of it was real. He was sick. I didn't understand how sick.
I've gone from hate to shaking my head. You will too if you keep working at it. (((Hugs))))
When my ex sent me a msg saying that he wanted me to know that I had been dealing with a "spiritually unhealthy person" ( he still is, but has new justifications for it now). I told him that I was in a relationship with him and he was in a a relationship with his DOC. None of it was real. He was sick. I didn't understand how sick.
I've gone from hate to shaking my head. You will too if you keep working at it. (((Hugs))))
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Originally Posted by marie1960
It can be easier to just say I hate them, than having to face the consequences of our own choices.
Hate takes alot of energy. Having to carry around all the negative, raw emotion, on a daily basis , will turn you into someone that you won't even recognize.
What I have come to accept about alcoholism is this: the battle the addict is fighting is not with you, but with themselves.
Best I can offer, let it go, take back your life, and allow yourself to go forward.
Hugs to you.
Hate takes alot of energy. Having to carry around all the negative, raw emotion, on a daily basis , will turn you into someone that you won't even recognize.
What I have come to accept about alcoholism is this: the battle the addict is fighting is not with you, but with themselves.
Best I can offer, let it go, take back your life, and allow yourself to go forward.
Hugs to you.
I think that my role in this was.. why would I date such a person? He was recently broken up from a very toxic long term relationship. He had issues with alcohol. He still hated his exgf. He was very irresponsible and sometimes even corrupt.
Yet everyone told me he was amazing and I didn't gave it any real time to realize about his bad side. And even when I did, all I could do was to blame myself for his behavior towards me.
That is not good.
Still, it hurts that he can't just act decently for once. He wanted to break up so why bother with stalking me or inventing that I am a witch to our mutual friends? Why so much hate on his part?
The first weeks of the break up I thought maybe he was respecting me now that he was leaving me alone, but no, it just couldn't be true.
I guess I don't really know (yet) what "letting go" actually is.
I have to find out....
Thank you!
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Originally Posted by iGirl66
I get it. You got cut and the wound hasn't completely healed yet. The trick is to not keep ripping it open. Fire bolt is right. We can love hard. Frankly, I never want to lose that capability. But we must love hard from a healthy place.
When my ex sent me a msg saying that he wanted me to know that I had been dealing with a "spiritually unhealthy person" ( he still is, but has new justifications for it now). I told him that I was in a relationship with him and he was in a a relationship with his DOC. None of it was real. He was sick. I didn't understand how sick.
I've gone from hate to shaking my head. You will too if you keep working at it. (((Hugs))))
When my ex sent me a msg saying that he wanted me to know that I had been dealing with a "spiritually unhealthy person" ( he still is, but has new justifications for it now). I told him that I was in a relationship with him and he was in a a relationship with his DOC. None of it was real. He was sick. I didn't understand how sick.
I've gone from hate to shaking my head. You will too if you keep working at it. (((Hugs))))
I had to be the greatest dork and stay.
I mean, I no longer feel the pull to be with him. He tried to establish contact after our break up but no, I'm not interested in taking him back again, I did it two times and it didn't worked out.
Hate is a horrible feeling.
But getting to a complete and absolute state of acceptance is hard.
I just feel so old sometimes. I shouldn't, but that is how I feel.
Thanks for your words! : -)
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Hate usually ends in retaliation, and that's not a good thing. it can also stagnate growth to move from a situation and let it go. I also think its a common Apex when someone has hurt us like the crescent of a Bell Curve. At best it should be temporary and short. Sounds like you are already moving on from it.
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I can totally relate as I hated my xabf. I went no contact, did and am still working on my own recovery. And what I have found is this: I don't hate him or myself anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days where I get angry, but I now see things so much clearer. My xabf's chooses to not get sober. It's his choice. My choice is to remove myself from that toxic relationship. I went into this thing with him knowing he was an alcoholic, I thought I could change him. But quickly found out that living with an alcoholic didn't change him, but changed me.
He still reaches out to me via email. I have an RO against him but he ignores it. He is nice at first but then soon gets very nasty when he doesn't get a response. The nastiness doesn't even hurt me anymore. He is sick and this disease called alcoholism is killing him. But again it's his choice.
Take care of you, work on your recovery and I promise you the hate will disappear. It might take awhile, but it will leave you. At least it did for me. What have you done for yourself today? Be gentle and kind to yourself....you deserve it!
(((Hugs)))
He still reaches out to me via email. I have an RO against him but he ignores it. He is nice at first but then soon gets very nasty when he doesn't get a response. The nastiness doesn't even hurt me anymore. He is sick and this disease called alcoholism is killing him. But again it's his choice.
Take care of you, work on your recovery and I promise you the hate will disappear. It might take awhile, but it will leave you. At least it did for me. What have you done for yourself today? Be gentle and kind to yourself....you deserve it!
(((Hugs)))
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