How to say "no" to travelling with friends...
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How to say "no" to travelling with friends...
Hi everyone, wanted to pick your brains a bit on this one.
A friend, Jeff, and I were trading messages this weekend, he mentioned some cool lodgings in Upstate NY and sent me some pictures of the places he had heard his friends had gone to and loved. The pics looked lovely and it sounded like a nice, relaxing weekend in the woods, and I told him that.
Jeff of course said "oh, let's do it sometime, it'll be fun! What weekend should we plan". Now, I've traveled with Jeff a lot in the past, and we've had a great time...and it always involved a LOT of drinking. We do other things too, like hiking and sightseeing, but drinking definitely is our 3rd companion anytime we've traveled together. So I am extremely wary of travelling anywhere with him anytime soon and I'm fine with that. My question is, what do I say? The weekend he suggested in far in the future (Labor Day) and I easily just said "let's think about it as it gets closer". His response was "well the places book up quick so the sooner the better". I'm fine with telling him no, but its weird to just say "no, I just don't want to go". Some of you might remember that I've tried to explain in the past that I'm done with drinking as I believe that I have a problem, and he really just doesn't get it (no Lola, you're fine, everyone drinks a little too much from time to time).
Anyways, I'm not even sure what I'm asking. Just wondering what some of you did in your early sobriety. Do you just say "no, I don't want to take any trips right now" or are you more blunt about it "no, if I go I will be too tempted to drink".
Thanks for any thoughts you might have.
A friend, Jeff, and I were trading messages this weekend, he mentioned some cool lodgings in Upstate NY and sent me some pictures of the places he had heard his friends had gone to and loved. The pics looked lovely and it sounded like a nice, relaxing weekend in the woods, and I told him that.
Jeff of course said "oh, let's do it sometime, it'll be fun! What weekend should we plan". Now, I've traveled with Jeff a lot in the past, and we've had a great time...and it always involved a LOT of drinking. We do other things too, like hiking and sightseeing, but drinking definitely is our 3rd companion anytime we've traveled together. So I am extremely wary of travelling anywhere with him anytime soon and I'm fine with that. My question is, what do I say? The weekend he suggested in far in the future (Labor Day) and I easily just said "let's think about it as it gets closer". His response was "well the places book up quick so the sooner the better". I'm fine with telling him no, but its weird to just say "no, I just don't want to go". Some of you might remember that I've tried to explain in the past that I'm done with drinking as I believe that I have a problem, and he really just doesn't get it (no Lola, you're fine, everyone drinks a little too much from time to time).
Anyways, I'm not even sure what I'm asking. Just wondering what some of you did in your early sobriety. Do you just say "no, I don't want to take any trips right now" or are you more blunt about it "no, if I go I will be too tempted to drink".
Thanks for any thoughts you might have.
Hi Lola
I had to learn to say no. That was very hard for me cos I spent most of my life desperate for people to like me.
I learned tho - I learned that sometimes I was a bit too forceful with my noes, and sometimes still not forceful enough - but I got there in the end.
I make no apologies for looking after myself and my health these days
Sounds like this guy knows about your problem, so I'd just be honest - if he doesn't get it and still tries to get you to go I think he'd be being a bit of a jerk?
D
I had to learn to say no. That was very hard for me cos I spent most of my life desperate for people to like me.
I learned tho - I learned that sometimes I was a bit too forceful with my noes, and sometimes still not forceful enough - but I got there in the end.
I make no apologies for looking after myself and my health these days
Sounds like this guy knows about your problem, so I'd just be honest - if he doesn't get it and still tries to get you to go I think he'd be being a bit of a jerk?
D
You are newly sober after struggling for a while. Protect your recovery and don't put yourself in a situation with people who will prompt you to drink. Do what it takes, and be as firm as you need to. If Jeff is truly a friend, he'll get it.
But it doesn't really matter if he gets it or not. You have to get it. You have to be willing to make the changes (including the hard decisions) to protect your sobriety.
But it doesn't really matter if he gets it or not. You have to get it. You have to be willing to make the changes (including the hard decisions) to protect your sobriety.
Hi! I would definitely just be honest with him. How long have you been sober for? I'm going on 2 months pretty soon and the most I've done is a LOT of walking/hiking to keep me busy! Not only do I get exercise out of it, but I tend to forget how beautiful the world is! I would pass on any trips like that, if that were "me" in the situation, but everyone is different! Some people can be around alcohol the first week they quit!
I have 18 months sober. I avoided a LOT of people for a whole year. And a lot of things too. Regardless of how smart I think I am, I am also smart enough to believe what others have suggested I do - or do not do - in the first year of sobriety. Because this is something I truly want to keep for the rest of my life. New York State is going to be there for many years to come. Risking your sobriety for a quick 'fix' of doing something is not worth it.
jmho
jmho
Hi everyone, wanted to pick your brains a bit on this one.
A friend, Jeff, and I were trading messages this weekend, he mentioned some cool lodgings in Upstate NY and sent me some pictures of the places he had heard his friends had gone to and loved. The pics looked lovely and it sounded like a nice, relaxing weekend in the woods, and I told him that.
Jeff of course said "oh, let's do it sometime, it'll be fun! What weekend should we plan". Now, I've traveled with Jeff a lot in the past, and we've had a great time...and it always involved a LOT of drinking. We do other things too, like hiking and sightseeing, but drinking definitely is our 3rd companion anytime we've traveled together. So I am extremely wary of travelling anywhere with him anytime soon and I'm fine with that. My question is, what do I say? The weekend he suggested in far in the future (Labor Day) and I easily just said "let's think about it as it gets closer". His response was "well the places book up quick so the sooner the better". I'm fine with telling him no, but its weird to just say "no, I just don't want to go". Some of you might remember that I've tried to explain in the past that I'm done with drinking as I believe that I have a problem, and he really just doesn't get it (no Lola, you're fine, everyone drinks a little too much from time to time).
Anyways, I'm not even sure what I'm asking. Just wondering what some of you did in your early sobriety. Do you just say "no, I don't want to take any trips right now" or are you more blunt about it "no, if I go I will be too tempted to drink".
Thanks for any thoughts you might have.
A friend, Jeff, and I were trading messages this weekend, he mentioned some cool lodgings in Upstate NY and sent me some pictures of the places he had heard his friends had gone to and loved. The pics looked lovely and it sounded like a nice, relaxing weekend in the woods, and I told him that.
Jeff of course said "oh, let's do it sometime, it'll be fun! What weekend should we plan". Now, I've traveled with Jeff a lot in the past, and we've had a great time...and it always involved a LOT of drinking. We do other things too, like hiking and sightseeing, but drinking definitely is our 3rd companion anytime we've traveled together. So I am extremely wary of travelling anywhere with him anytime soon and I'm fine with that. My question is, what do I say? The weekend he suggested in far in the future (Labor Day) and I easily just said "let's think about it as it gets closer". His response was "well the places book up quick so the sooner the better". I'm fine with telling him no, but its weird to just say "no, I just don't want to go". Some of you might remember that I've tried to explain in the past that I'm done with drinking as I believe that I have a problem, and he really just doesn't get it (no Lola, you're fine, everyone drinks a little too much from time to time).
Anyways, I'm not even sure what I'm asking. Just wondering what some of you did in your early sobriety. Do you just say "no, I don't want to take any trips right now" or are you more blunt about it "no, if I go I will be too tempted to drink".
Thanks for any thoughts you might have.
If he's a good friend, be honest. Who knows, you may plant a seed.......
If you consider him more of an acquaintance/ travel friend maybe say you're going through some personal things and won' t be traveling for a bit.
Either way, don't fret too much. Glad you're here sober with us!!!
That's what's most important, today
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Thanks all. I think it best to just say I'm just not into travelling right now. Its just weird to say "no I don't really feel like it" when its months away. But you all are right, and its the best thing. While I do try to live one day at a time, there are still times that I have to think ahead and plan what is best for me. I am going to run this by my sponsor when we meet tomorrow as well. I know she will say the same thing as you all have, I just want to get it out there with her as its something that has been on my mind.
Dee - Hi! Learning to say "no" is also hard for me for exactly the reason you said...I want people to like me!! So if I'm invited somewhere its like...oh, someone likes me! I better not let them down. I'm working on it though, slowly but surely.
Hopeless1979 - I'm only a bit over a month sober...this time. I've been at this for about a year and a half. So yea, a little too early.
LBrain - you're right, NY State is not going anywhere!! The thing is, the cabin and hanging out in nature away from it all actually sounds like such an amazing way to spend a weekend...but with someone that drinks and wants to open a bottle of wine while hanging out on the porch?? Yea, I better not.
Flynbuy - he is actually a very good friend, not just acquaintance. We don't live in the same city anymore and he absolutely has not seen how bad my drinking had gotten in the last couple of years (I was more of a hide at home and drink by myself all day and night type drinker). I have tried to explain that I believe I have a problem and want to quit, but he doesn't want to understand. But I have come to realize it doesn't matter if he understands or not, its not his journey, its mine.
Thanks again everyone for your responses.
Dee - Hi! Learning to say "no" is also hard for me for exactly the reason you said...I want people to like me!! So if I'm invited somewhere its like...oh, someone likes me! I better not let them down. I'm working on it though, slowly but surely.
Hopeless1979 - I'm only a bit over a month sober...this time. I've been at this for about a year and a half. So yea, a little too early.
LBrain - you're right, NY State is not going anywhere!! The thing is, the cabin and hanging out in nature away from it all actually sounds like such an amazing way to spend a weekend...but with someone that drinks and wants to open a bottle of wine while hanging out on the porch?? Yea, I better not.
Flynbuy - he is actually a very good friend, not just acquaintance. We don't live in the same city anymore and he absolutely has not seen how bad my drinking had gotten in the last couple of years (I was more of a hide at home and drink by myself all day and night type drinker). I have tried to explain that I believe I have a problem and want to quit, but he doesn't want to understand. But I have come to realize it doesn't matter if he understands or not, its not his journey, its mine.
Thanks again everyone for your responses.
I actually thought about going away to a cabin in Vermont by "myself", just to clear my head, regroup and be out in the gorgeous Vermont nature! The place I want to go to is like 4 hours away! I might need to find something a little closer!
Great stuff Lola!!
Though I still think it's still time to lay out to Jeff that you're done with drinking and when the excuses come lay it out again and tell Jeff, "no seriously Jeff, this is life or death for me"!!
If he still doesn't get it, I'd be questioning what really is the basis of this friendship? . . . for me I want friends in life that stick by my decisions, especially when it's serious about health and life, if it was a nut or any other allergy it would be completely unacceptable for him to not respect your diet decisions, so why is it different for alcohol?!!
Though I still think it's still time to lay out to Jeff that you're done with drinking and when the excuses come lay it out again and tell Jeff, "no seriously Jeff, this is life or death for me"!!
If he still doesn't get it, I'd be questioning what really is the basis of this friendship? . . . for me I want friends in life that stick by my decisions, especially when it's serious about health and life, if it was a nut or any other allergy it would be completely unacceptable for him to not respect your diet decisions, so why is it different for alcohol?!!
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Me too! It sounds really nice to get away from the city with a book, some binoculars to bird watch and some good food. Hmm...a girl can dream.
Once we learn how to say no to drinking and totally embrace it, we can say yes to life without having to fear these situations.
I just spent three days surrounded by heavy drinkers and I had a good time, drank sodas and water and emerged from it having gotten respect and admiration from my friends.... Some even wishing they could do that.
We need to protect ourselves until we are fully committed, but I believe that once we are resolved and committed and have taken steps to embrace sobriety and change ourselves - our surroundings no longer dictate our lives.
I just spent three days surrounded by heavy drinkers and I had a good time, drank sodas and water and emerged from it having gotten respect and admiration from my friends.... Some even wishing they could do that.
We need to protect ourselves until we are fully committed, but I believe that once we are resolved and committed and have taken steps to embrace sobriety and change ourselves - our surroundings no longer dictate our lives.
I would give him another chance and tell him you will go but there can absolutly be no drinking by him as to not influence you. See how he takes it and if he is a good friend he will understand, if he does not understand then move on.
If we have to do that, we have work to do on ourselves.
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Hi Lola, how well do you handle around alcohol now? Do you stay away from it completely or have you been around it and had some difficulty? That would influence my decision. I come from the school of thought is that if someone wants to drink, let them. Its not fair to put conditions on a trip for your own purposes. If you feel its a bit too risky, then unfortunately I think you have to take a rain check for now.
True you can not dictate or tell others how to act, maybe I said that wrong. What I meant was you can ask nicely if he would be so nice as to have a sober getaway to upstate ny that would be great. If he still doesn't understand or says no then forget it.
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