Hope I'm doing the right thing
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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Hope I'm doing the right thing
Any thoughts would be appreciated. I'm having my ex served this week for contempt of court-one of the consequences being jail time. He has not paid me one cent of child support or any money towards anything else. Has told me multiple times he'd send me money. And yet every time it don't receive anything. Shows his devotion to his kids, eh? Great guy. Has not done other things ordered in our divirce decree (as of march 1st). My dad has offered to pay for what my ex has not but I want to do this on my own-and have been managing ok by getting financial aid for schooling for my daughters and cutting corners every way I can. Calling companies and begging for bill reductions, etc. He refuses to do anything the court has ordered so as we all say here, he can most definitely continue to choose how he wants to live his life, but there are always consequences.
A couple of days in jail might send JUST the right message. FWIW, usually people jailed for contempt because of nonpayment are cut loose the minute they pay what's owed.
Nice of your dad to offer to help--and to know he's there if you are ever in dire straits--but he shouldn't be letting your ex off the hook by paying what he's supposed to.
Nice of your dad to offer to help--and to know he's there if you are ever in dire straits--but he shouldn't be letting your ex off the hook by paying what he's supposed to.
You go for it.
It's not nice but you have a legal order & he is not adhering to it.
The power is in your hands.
I know first hand what it's like to not receive child support & have to struggle to get through for your kids & want to say you are doing a great job of being there & providing for your kids.
It's not nice but you have a legal order & he is not adhering to it.
The power is in your hands.
I know first hand what it's like to not receive child support & have to struggle to get through for your kids & want to say you are doing a great job of being there & providing for your kids.
Whether he's doing it consciously or he's just slack, he's probably testing boundaries and what he can get away with. You're right to jump in hard at the beginning rather than try to make up lost ground later.
Why do I always feel like I'm talking about toddler training when writing about AH's?
Why do I always feel like I'm talking about toddler training when writing about AH's?
My sister's ex made a half-hearted attempt to pay his CS for about 6 months when they first split, then stopped completely (my niece was almost 3) & then abandoned her altogether by moving thousands of miles away with no notice or warning. She found out when he didn't show up for her birthday party - I think she was 7/8? She did have the child support tracked through the state, but for years he simply avoided working any job that wouldn't pay him cash under the table.
He resurfaced years later with his new wife & 3 kids. My niece is now 15 & has decided that she wants her last name changed to my sister's maiden name but they can't reach him, ever, to authorize. Until his wife leaves him with the 3 kids to care for & then suddenly he's in touch asking my sis to voluntarily reduce his CS amount. ?????
Turns out he'd finally had to take a "real" job & they'd been garnishing his wages..... but in the state of FL they don't notify you of activity in your account, so she never knew. By the time he called she's got about $1200 CS in her state debit account (which equates to about $100 per year if you look at it in total) & is doing well for herself so when she calls to share this with me & I can hear in her voice how she's already decided to go ahead & help him out, "for his kids".
I lost my crapola. I was at work. That phone call will live in INFAMY around here & we still talk about it regularly...... I was infuriated & my voice hit octaves I didn't recognize but I let her know in no uncertain terms that:
* Sure it makes sense to reduce the amount & HE CAN DO THAT AT ANYTIME by doing the same thing she had to do for years as a single parent - take time off work to handle it properly, legally. Let the courts handle it! IF it's a legit claim, let him prove it with check stubs, etc.
* How do you know his kids will even GET that money? (I asked her) Dead silence. You don't. He's likely still using.
* If you feel that badly for the kids, bring them groceries & clothing & toys. Don't expect that someone with 100% record of lying is suddenly a truth talker.
* Is it hard, can I see his struggle? Sure can. He can reach out to the many programs that offer support just like she did when she struggled for years as a single mom. She found resources to help with groceries, utilities, etc.
*Hey - remember when he tried to get CS reduced because he'd had a horrible accident & was now disabled with a busted back? Or the time he needed it reduced because he had cancer? Yeah.... when was that? Shouldn't he be dead or crippled?
* Just because he said he's got the kids doesn't make it true.... especially with the littlest being only 6 months old. It's not making sense that mom left him with the kids, full time... more will be revealed.
You are DEFINITELY doing the right thing. It's disgusting when any parent refuses to support their own children within the means that they are capable. Even more disgusting when they do it just to punish their ex or indulge in their addictions. How does anyone NOT want to take care of their kids??
He resurfaced years later with his new wife & 3 kids. My niece is now 15 & has decided that she wants her last name changed to my sister's maiden name but they can't reach him, ever, to authorize. Until his wife leaves him with the 3 kids to care for & then suddenly he's in touch asking my sis to voluntarily reduce his CS amount. ?????
Turns out he'd finally had to take a "real" job & they'd been garnishing his wages..... but in the state of FL they don't notify you of activity in your account, so she never knew. By the time he called she's got about $1200 CS in her state debit account (which equates to about $100 per year if you look at it in total) & is doing well for herself so when she calls to share this with me & I can hear in her voice how she's already decided to go ahead & help him out, "for his kids".
I lost my crapola. I was at work. That phone call will live in INFAMY around here & we still talk about it regularly...... I was infuriated & my voice hit octaves I didn't recognize but I let her know in no uncertain terms that:
* Sure it makes sense to reduce the amount & HE CAN DO THAT AT ANYTIME by doing the same thing she had to do for years as a single parent - take time off work to handle it properly, legally. Let the courts handle it! IF it's a legit claim, let him prove it with check stubs, etc.
* How do you know his kids will even GET that money? (I asked her) Dead silence. You don't. He's likely still using.
* If you feel that badly for the kids, bring them groceries & clothing & toys. Don't expect that someone with 100% record of lying is suddenly a truth talker.
* Is it hard, can I see his struggle? Sure can. He can reach out to the many programs that offer support just like she did when she struggled for years as a single mom. She found resources to help with groceries, utilities, etc.
*Hey - remember when he tried to get CS reduced because he'd had a horrible accident & was now disabled with a busted back? Or the time he needed it reduced because he had cancer? Yeah.... when was that? Shouldn't he be dead or crippled?
* Just because he said he's got the kids doesn't make it true.... especially with the littlest being only 6 months old. It's not making sense that mom left him with the kids, full time... more will be revealed.
You are DEFINITELY doing the right thing. It's disgusting when any parent refuses to support their own children within the means that they are capable. Even more disgusting when they do it just to punish their ex or indulge in their addictions. How does anyone NOT want to take care of their kids??
You don't have to be an alcoholic to be a deadbeat parent. I know lots and lots of sane, sober people who play games with support because they resent the court order or the idea that the ex spouse is the one getting the payment (even though children cost money and that's what it's for).
Alcoholics in general are famous for not keeping up with their responsibilities, and that shows up in all kinds of contexts, including paying their own bills, holding down a job, etc.
With your ex, who knows? Either way, though, the order is the order is the order. The children have rights, you have rights. You are doing the right thing by insisting on compliance--whatever his reasons for nonpayment.
Alcoholics in general are famous for not keeping up with their responsibilities, and that shows up in all kinds of contexts, including paying their own bills, holding down a job, etc.
With your ex, who knows? Either way, though, the order is the order is the order. The children have rights, you have rights. You are doing the right thing by insisting on compliance--whatever his reasons for nonpayment.
Know too many who go through the same with deadbeat parents. Often times its not even financial (they can pay), rather its retaliation against the custodial parent. Its odd how people's minds work. Like, it never occurs to the deadbeat that their children are suffering. They rationalize their motives and feel confident that they have legal grounds NOT TO PAY (i.e. "she/he (parent) is using the money for themselves NOT for my children).
Glad you are taking this route.
Glad you are taking this route.
Several of my al-anon friends have dealt with this same issue ~
This was my standing on it ~ If your children were deserving of something - wouldn't you do all within your legal & moral power to ensure they got what was theirs?
Child support is strickly that - to support a child. They need not only the money, but the understanding that they mean enough to that person ~ it's an emotional issue also. Children think "I'm not even enough for my dad/mom to pay for me or for my mom/dad to fight to make sure I'm treated fairly"
If a total stranger owed money to a child, we would do all that we could to make sure it was given to that child - why shouldn't we do the same from their parent?
This of course is just my e, s, & h - not telling you what you should do - just sharing how my thoughts & experiences have made my opinion in favor of making sure the children get what is deserved to them.
Wishing you the best as you make the decision to do what is healthiest for you & your girls!
This was my standing on it ~ If your children were deserving of something - wouldn't you do all within your legal & moral power to ensure they got what was theirs?
Child support is strickly that - to support a child. They need not only the money, but the understanding that they mean enough to that person ~ it's an emotional issue also. Children think "I'm not even enough for my dad/mom to pay for me or for my mom/dad to fight to make sure I'm treated fairly"
If a total stranger owed money to a child, we would do all that we could to make sure it was given to that child - why shouldn't we do the same from their parent?
This of course is just my e, s, & h - not telling you what you should do - just sharing how my thoughts & experiences have made my opinion in favor of making sure the children get what is deserved to them.
Wishing you the best as you make the decision to do what is healthiest for you & your girls!
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