How do I support?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3
How do I support?
Hello all.
Its been a while, very long while since my last post here. After many years of holding on, supporting and trying many things, my wife finally decided to join AA. It was her own decision.
We have been married for 10 years and her alcohol abuse goes before that (it progressively got worse over the years).
My challenge is, we have tried so many things, and I feel like every time I have been disappointed. One of her friends, who has been sober for 17 years and still active in AA told her many times that nothing but AA would work.
She is a very private person when it comes to her life and feelings with strangers, so after 3 meetings she is struggling with the meetings. She still goes to them and tells me that she has to go.
I really trying to find the best way to support her without being pushy. I only ask her after she comes back to know how it went, and listen when she makes any comments. I don't her to feel that I am not interested. She asked me if I am OK with her going to all these meetings at night, I told her that I would do whatever it takes. Is that enough?
If anyone out there has experienced this, I would appreciate some words of wisdom and guidance.
Thank you
Its been a while, very long while since my last post here. After many years of holding on, supporting and trying many things, my wife finally decided to join AA. It was her own decision.
We have been married for 10 years and her alcohol abuse goes before that (it progressively got worse over the years).
My challenge is, we have tried so many things, and I feel like every time I have been disappointed. One of her friends, who has been sober for 17 years and still active in AA told her many times that nothing but AA would work.
She is a very private person when it comes to her life and feelings with strangers, so after 3 meetings she is struggling with the meetings. She still goes to them and tells me that she has to go.
I really trying to find the best way to support her without being pushy. I only ask her after she comes back to know how it went, and listen when she makes any comments. I don't her to feel that I am not interested. She asked me if I am OK with her going to all these meetings at night, I told her that I would do whatever it takes. Is that enough?
If anyone out there has experienced this, I would appreciate some words of wisdom and guidance.
Thank you
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome back! I don't know that you need to say/do anything so far as her meetings and her program are concerned. She has a close friend, sober 17 years, with whom to discuss how she feels about AA and about getting sober and staying that way. That person, and the others in her groups who have done the same thing, are the ones who really understand how she's feeling. Sometimes the things that make us most uncomfortable about meetings is just our alcoholism trying to talk us out of recovery. That's something they "get" and you would not. And it would be presumptuous, IMO, for you to pretend that you DO get it.
Have you ever been to an AA meeting, yourself? I'd suggest going to a few open meetings (not with her, and not meetings that she goes to) and just listening. Nobody HAS to share in meetings--and certainly not about anything private. Some of the more personal things are appropriate to share only with one's sponsor.
I'd also suggest you attend Al-Anon, if you don't already. It uses the same 12 Steps as AA, but the focus is on YOU, not her. Al-Anon can help you learn to take care of your own side of the street and allow her to do the same with hers.
If she wants to talk about her meetings with you, I'd just kind of listen and not pass judgment or offer "suggestions" about things that bother her. I used to tell my first husband (still sober after 35 years) that maybe he should talk to his sponsor about whatever.
Have you ever been to an AA meeting, yourself? I'd suggest going to a few open meetings (not with her, and not meetings that she goes to) and just listening. Nobody HAS to share in meetings--and certainly not about anything private. Some of the more personal things are appropriate to share only with one's sponsor.
I'd also suggest you attend Al-Anon, if you don't already. It uses the same 12 Steps as AA, but the focus is on YOU, not her. Al-Anon can help you learn to take care of your own side of the street and allow her to do the same with hers.
If she wants to talk about her meetings with you, I'd just kind of listen and not pass judgment or offer "suggestions" about things that bother her. I used to tell my first husband (still sober after 35 years) that maybe he should talk to his sponsor about whatever.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Mackarroni,
If she feels AA is all that will work for her despite being a private person, then I would sit down with her weekly to review the family/work schedule to be sure you can cover her preferred meeting times most nights if you have kids. And if there are times with conflicts, try to get a sitter or ask her if an online meeting would suffice or an alternate time for those dates.
My RAH did not like AA and all of the terrible situations people were in. It agitated him greatly. He is codependent and would do anything for just about anyone, so it was tough for him.
What about you?
If she feels AA is all that will work for her despite being a private person, then I would sit down with her weekly to review the family/work schedule to be sure you can cover her preferred meeting times most nights if you have kids. And if there are times with conflicts, try to get a sitter or ask her if an online meeting would suffice or an alternate time for those dates.
My RAH did not like AA and all of the terrible situations people were in. It agitated him greatly. He is codependent and would do anything for just about anyone, so it was tough for him.
What about you?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I'm with Lexie on letting her recovery be HERS. As Lex said, there is simply no way we folks on "the other side of the fence" can know what it's like to be an A. In so many ways, they may as well be from another planet in terms of the thought processes, etc., and by far the best person to help an A deal w/things is another A.
I can't tell you what a relief it was to me when I learned that, rather than struggle trying to find the "perfect" answer when my A complained about one thing or another, I could simply say "why don't you give your sponsor or one of your brother sponsees a call?" They pass out those phone lists for a reason, right?
And ultimately, while it's nice to feel we're being supportive, the A really has to go it alone. He/she will recover or not based on his/her own level of desire for sobriety, not on our level of support. Doing things to not get in her way is nice. Doing anything more is wasting energy that you could better be spending on working your OWN recovery. That way, whether or not she gets sober, you've got your own recovery to fall back on.
I can't tell you what a relief it was to me when I learned that, rather than struggle trying to find the "perfect" answer when my A complained about one thing or another, I could simply say "why don't you give your sponsor or one of your brother sponsees a call?" They pass out those phone lists for a reason, right?
And ultimately, while it's nice to feel we're being supportive, the A really has to go it alone. He/she will recover or not based on his/her own level of desire for sobriety, not on our level of support. Doing things to not get in her way is nice. Doing anything more is wasting energy that you could better be spending on working your OWN recovery. That way, whether or not she gets sober, you've got your own recovery to fall back on.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Correct me if wrong - its the friend that stated only AA would work not your wife?
AA is fantastic. Its kept my husband sober for 14 years. However, if she were to tell you she isn't comfortable certainly there are many other options. I think if I were you I may suggest this if she brings it up - not to quit, but rather if she thinks she may need an alternative you will support any choice she makes.
Or she might add in an addiction specialist for private therapy, and continue with AA meetings as well.,
AA is fantastic. Its kept my husband sober for 14 years. However, if she were to tell you she isn't comfortable certainly there are many other options. I think if I were you I may suggest this if she brings it up - not to quit, but rather if she thinks she may need an alternative you will support any choice she makes.
Or she might add in an addiction specialist for private therapy, and continue with AA meetings as well.,
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
While I agree that AA is not the only way for everyone to get sober, it has been known to work when nothing else has. I don't know that I'd be too quick to suggest other programs/methods to someone who is simply feeling uncomfortable in early sobriety. Right now she's going, and maybe her friend is a huge inspiration to her.
Maybe the time will come when suggesting trying something else would be appropriate, but right now she's just getting started, and discomfort is part of the process--getting sober is inherently difficult, so a little griping and complaining is pretty much par for the course.
Maybe the time will come when suggesting trying something else would be appropriate, but right now she's just getting started, and discomfort is part of the process--getting sober is inherently difficult, so a little griping and complaining is pretty much par for the course.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
The best support would probably be positive reinforcement on when you can be sincere about it, and non-committal active listening when she feels like talking. Resist the urge to come up with solutions unless she specifically asks for your input.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
While I agree that AA is not the only way for everyone to get sober, it has been known to work when nothing else has. I don't know that I'd be too quick to suggest other programs/methods to someone who is simply feeling uncomfortable in early sobriety. Right now she's going, and maybe her friend is a huge inspiration to her.
Maybe the time will come when suggesting trying something else would be appropriate, but right now she's just getting started, and discomfort is part of the process--getting sober is inherently difficult, so a little griping and complaining is pretty much par for the course.
Maybe the time will come when suggesting trying something else would be appropriate, but right now she's just getting started, and discomfort is part of the process--getting sober is inherently difficult, so a little griping and complaining is pretty much par for the course.
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