I don't know what to title this. I guess I'm just sad.
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I don't know what to title this. I guess I'm just sad.
My XAH and his girlfriend are going to be moving next week to the country he's from. His family moved to San Francisco when he was five, so he hasn't lived there in many years, but some of his family are there, and it's said to be a good place for military retirees. In better days he and I had talked about moving there when he retired, Obviously that plan was derailed.
Now he's moving there with someone else, and it brings to such stark reality what was lost to this disease, and this war.
I will probably never see him again.
Over the last few months he's reconciled with our daughter. They've been spending time together, and really enjoying each other. He's been driving her to and from her job, and was 100% responsible for teaching her how to drive. (Something I was never going to do.) She bought him a beautiful and thoughtful gift for Father's Day. It was only a short time ago that she wouldn't stay in the same room with him.
I've been seeing glimpses of the man I fell in love with. The father he used to be.
I'm no fool. I realize all too well that I only see him briefly, and when he's sober. I don't know if he's still drinking, but I have no reason to think he's not. He's always been more of a hidden binge drinker, showing a sober face in public is his M.O. There's no part of me that wants to be married to him again. Well, maybe not "no part". There is a 5% part of me that still thinks when we're both old and incontinent we'll spend the rest of our days on opposite sides of a duplex. Back in the days before our marriage went to hell in a hand basket I used to jokingly say that he was my soulmate. In that my soul would hunt down his soul and nag at him well into the afterlife. But now my soul is going to have to find something else to do.
After my daughter gave him his Father's Day gift he wrote something quite beautiful on her Facebook. He said that when she gave him the gift he felt like Ulysses finally finding his way home. And that's what's tearing me up so much right now. Ever since his first deployment I've felt like Penelope waiting for Ulysses. That was 12 years ago. He never came home. I only realized relatively recently that, because of the tri-morbidity of his TBI, PTSD, and alcoholism, he never would. To think that he recognized the same disconnect, related it to the same story, and was so deeply affected by it, breaks my heart.
Now he's leaving the country, and I have no claim on him, and I don't know when I'll see him again. My daughter said she wasn't that ate up by it because she's used to him leaving. That this is just like another deployment. I don't know how honest she's being about that.
Somebody I work with said I was the happiest divorcee she'd ever seen. For the most part I am happy. Our marriage was over, and I worked hard to have a pleasant post-divorce relationship with him. I'm very proud of that. And happy. But this particular form of PTSD that I have, where I get sucked into seeing the tragedy of my poor little marriage, and how it failed as result of forces so much greater than us, sometimes just brings me to my knees.
Now he's moving there with someone else, and it brings to such stark reality what was lost to this disease, and this war.
I will probably never see him again.
Over the last few months he's reconciled with our daughter. They've been spending time together, and really enjoying each other. He's been driving her to and from her job, and was 100% responsible for teaching her how to drive. (Something I was never going to do.) She bought him a beautiful and thoughtful gift for Father's Day. It was only a short time ago that she wouldn't stay in the same room with him.
I've been seeing glimpses of the man I fell in love with. The father he used to be.
I'm no fool. I realize all too well that I only see him briefly, and when he's sober. I don't know if he's still drinking, but I have no reason to think he's not. He's always been more of a hidden binge drinker, showing a sober face in public is his M.O. There's no part of me that wants to be married to him again. Well, maybe not "no part". There is a 5% part of me that still thinks when we're both old and incontinent we'll spend the rest of our days on opposite sides of a duplex. Back in the days before our marriage went to hell in a hand basket I used to jokingly say that he was my soulmate. In that my soul would hunt down his soul and nag at him well into the afterlife. But now my soul is going to have to find something else to do.
After my daughter gave him his Father's Day gift he wrote something quite beautiful on her Facebook. He said that when she gave him the gift he felt like Ulysses finally finding his way home. And that's what's tearing me up so much right now. Ever since his first deployment I've felt like Penelope waiting for Ulysses. That was 12 years ago. He never came home. I only realized relatively recently that, because of the tri-morbidity of his TBI, PTSD, and alcoholism, he never would. To think that he recognized the same disconnect, related it to the same story, and was so deeply affected by it, breaks my heart.
Now he's leaving the country, and I have no claim on him, and I don't know when I'll see him again. My daughter said she wasn't that ate up by it because she's used to him leaving. That this is just like another deployment. I don't know how honest she's being about that.
Somebody I work with said I was the happiest divorcee she'd ever seen. For the most part I am happy. Our marriage was over, and I worked hard to have a pleasant post-divorce relationship with him. I'm very proud of that. And happy. But this particular form of PTSD that I have, where I get sucked into seeing the tragedy of my poor little marriage, and how it failed as result of forces so much greater than us, sometimes just brings me to my knees.
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I am sorry for your pain. But I have to comment that if he really felt like he had "come home" when he received your daughters gift then how could he possibly move to another country and leave his daughter behind??? It sounds like the selfishness of an active A. What kind of parent can leave a child much less move all the way to another country? When you become a parent, you put your needs and wants aside at least as much as necessary so that the needs of your child can be met. Maybe if you took a step back and looked at his behavior you would see that the glimmer of the old him you thought you saw was a manipulation of the existing A that is still very much there.
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I really understand how you feel. I had moved away for a while and my ex told me it was very painful for him. Now he is being relocated and I am feeling the pain. I know it is over, I am ok with that now and I am becoming happier and happier but.......
That last shred of hope, all the broken dreams, the final goodbye still stings more then I wanted to acknowledge!!
That last shred of hope, all the broken dreams, the final goodbye still stings more then I wanted to acknowledge!!
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It sounds like you are mourning for what could have been...what you wanted to happen...and how life might have played out for you, XAH and your daughter had alcohol not come in to steal it all away. (I have a tendency to get caught in the 'what might have been's too.) Damn alcohol really does ruin things.
Be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to mourn and above all else know that with time you will heal. Massive (((hugs))) headed your way.
Be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to mourn and above all else know that with time you will heal. Massive (((hugs))) headed your way.
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Eloquent as always. Very stirring post. Lots of hugs for you. I don't think it will be the last time you see him as your daughter will have milestones that he will hopefully be involved with.
I pray that he continue the path on being an active and loving father. I do understand how you feel.
I pray that he continue the path on being an active and loving father. I do understand how you feel.
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Hi Karma
I think we should also feel sorry for the girlfriend- he'll end up abandoning her too.
I am just now unpacking the reasons why I got into it with an alcoholic who abandoned me. My late addict father did the same thing, and I picked a mate just like dear old dad.
Thanks be to God for the program and sobriety. As painful as it is to face all this stuff, it beats the alternative- a lifetime of chasing after people who are not available.
I think we should also feel sorry for the girlfriend- he'll end up abandoning her too.
I am just now unpacking the reasons why I got into it with an alcoholic who abandoned me. My late addict father did the same thing, and I picked a mate just like dear old dad.
Thanks be to God for the program and sobriety. As painful as it is to face all this stuff, it beats the alternative- a lifetime of chasing after people who are not available.
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Hi, SK,
Totally get what you're feeling. I sometimes feel that way about my first husband (whom I care for, deeply, and always will). And I didn't leave him because of his alcoholism (he got sober before we married and he had 15 years of sobriety when I left), but because I knew we could never have the kind of marriage we each wanted. But I still feel twinges at times like right now, when he's going through a lot of emotional pain (his old sponsor has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and a few other things have hit him recently). I listen, I offer support, and I tell him that as hard as all of this is he is going to be OK. Our divorce has probably allowed us to still care for each other much more than would have been possible if we had stayed married--which I think would have led to bitter disappointment for both of us.
So, yeah, I get continuing to mourn the loss of the dream at a time like this. But your distance from each other might allow you to be part of each other's lives in a different way in the future. I think red is right, too, that you haven't seen him for the last time. I hope he continues to do well and is able to make a peaceful life for himself.
Hugs, many hugs,
Totally get what you're feeling. I sometimes feel that way about my first husband (whom I care for, deeply, and always will). And I didn't leave him because of his alcoholism (he got sober before we married and he had 15 years of sobriety when I left), but because I knew we could never have the kind of marriage we each wanted. But I still feel twinges at times like right now, when he's going through a lot of emotional pain (his old sponsor has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and a few other things have hit him recently). I listen, I offer support, and I tell him that as hard as all of this is he is going to be OK. Our divorce has probably allowed us to still care for each other much more than would have been possible if we had stayed married--which I think would have led to bitter disappointment for both of us.
So, yeah, I get continuing to mourn the loss of the dream at a time like this. But your distance from each other might allow you to be part of each other's lives in a different way in the future. I think red is right, too, that you haven't seen him for the last time. I hope he continues to do well and is able to make a peaceful life for himself.
Hugs, many hugs,
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I woke up this morning with puffy eyes. I could barely remember what I had written at almost 3:00 in the morning last night. But I figured, whatever it was, it was going to be hidden way down in the list. Probably not seen by anyone, and if someone did read it would they understand?
I can't begin to tell you all how comforting it was for me to wake up to all of your responses. Yes, this is a bit like mourning the loss of a loved one, and I already feel lighter because of your support.
Thank you all so much.
Searching Peace, you are so right, and I find it terribly frustrating that, when they're finally making real progress, he decides to leave. Frustrating, but not surprising. I'm sure others have seen this baffling side of alcoholism as well. Where the addict, knowing what he stands to lose, and sincerely not wanting to lose it, still choses the path that takes him farther away from what he claims to value the most. I do believe my husband loves his daughter deeply, and is truly sad and confused about his own choice. I know that he loves alcohol more than he loves her. But I honestly don't think he does. The illusions that he tries to spin for everyone else work best on him.
It's funny you should say this, Eauchiche. I try my darndest to see that woman as a vulture who jumped on the carcass of my marriage to pick the bones clean. A 45 year old woman who lets a sick man financially support her isn't going to win any prizes for dignity. But, d@mn that compassion, I keep feeling sorry for her. I suspect she suffers from some of the same problems my X does. Acoholism? Maybe. I believe she has a 14 year old son in another state that she's estranged from. So, instead of trying to patch their broken relationship, she's leaving the country as well. It's all just so sick, and sad.
I hope both you and Red are right, Lexie. I'm sure we'll still communicate a bit, and like Red said, our daughter will have milestones. The truth is, the farther away from him I am, the more I'll probably be able to love him, as a friend, with my eyes wide open. Accepting him as he is, and truly leaving his dysfunctions to him. In the long run, for me, it's probably better.
I can't begin to tell you all how comforting it was for me to wake up to all of your responses. Yes, this is a bit like mourning the loss of a loved one, and I already feel lighter because of your support.
Thank you all so much.
Originally Posted by searching peace 
I am sorry for your pain. But I have to comment that if he really felt like he had "come home" when he received your daughters gift then how could he possibly move to another country and leave his daughter behind??? It sounds like the selfishness of an active A. What kind of parent can leave a child much less move all the way to another country? When you become a parent, you put your needs and wants aside at least as much as necessary so that the needs of your child can be met. Maybe if you took a step back and looked at his behavior you would see that the glimmer of the old him you thought you saw was a manipulation of the existing A that is still very much there.
Originally Posted by Eauchiche
Hi Karma
I think we should also feel sorry for the girlfriend- he'll end up abandoning her too.
I think we should also feel sorry for the girlfriend- he'll end up abandoning her too.
Originally Posted by LexieCat
So, yeah, I get continuing to mourn the loss of the dream at a time like this. But your distance from each other might allow you to be part of each other's lives in a different way in the future. I think red is right, too, that you haven't seen him for the last time. I hope he continues to do well and is able to make a peaceful life for himself.
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Abandonment by my father (even though he would have never called it that) was my earliest and most difficult psychic pain to overcome.
Big hugs for your daughter (hugs for you, too, but...) I don't believe she's okay with it - I hope you can encourage her to really talk about it. If not with you, then with a professional.
Big hugs for your daughter (hugs for you, too, but...) I don't believe she's okay with it - I hope you can encourage her to really talk about it. If not with you, then with a professional.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
Abandonment by my father (even though he would have never called it that) was my earliest and most difficult psychic pain to overcome.
Big hugs for your daughter (hugs for you, too, but...) I don't believe she's okay with it - I hope you can encourage her to really talk about it. If not with you, then with a professional.
Big hugs for your daughter (hugs for you, too, but...) I don't believe she's okay with it - I hope you can encourage her to really talk about it. If not with you, then with a professional.
When he leaves he's going to give her his car. I'm hoping that when she has transportation she'll not only be able to get to Alanon more easily, but will choose to start back up with the therapist she was seeing a while ago.
She's fortunate that our Alanon group has a lot of ACOA's in it, but I do wish that this town had a specific ACOA group she could attend. She is after all an "A" (adult) now.
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Serious Karma,
I am not sure if this is helpful, and in her book 'A Return To Love' Marianne Williamson talks about how so often we label splits and divorces as 'failures' when the two people part ways, however it is not necessarily so.
Most people, even sometimes those who we marry, we may not be supposed to spend the rest of our lives with, (although Hollywood and fairy stories have us believe otherwise), rather we are just meant 'for a time'.
And that when we have successfully completed that time together, learned what we needed to learn, healed what we needed to heal etc, then we move on.
Other people we will be around for longer, a few perhaps for ever.
And none of them are failures.
From your post it sounds like you had some really beautiful stuff together too, and how you handled the post divorce is also a success, as well as the relationship he has with your daughter.
I think you have been very successful.
AND I think you will find even more love with someone new if you would like to.
And none of that is to take away your feelings. It can be sad sometimes.
Hugs.
I am not sure if this is helpful, and in her book 'A Return To Love' Marianne Williamson talks about how so often we label splits and divorces as 'failures' when the two people part ways, however it is not necessarily so.
Most people, even sometimes those who we marry, we may not be supposed to spend the rest of our lives with, (although Hollywood and fairy stories have us believe otherwise), rather we are just meant 'for a time'.
And that when we have successfully completed that time together, learned what we needed to learn, healed what we needed to heal etc, then we move on.
Other people we will be around for longer, a few perhaps for ever.
And none of them are failures.
From your post it sounds like you had some really beautiful stuff together too, and how you handled the post divorce is also a success, as well as the relationship he has with your daughter.
I think you have been very successful.
AND I think you will find even more love with someone new if you would like to.
And none of that is to take away your feelings. It can be sad sometimes.
Hugs.
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Thanks for you post, Carmen. That sounds like a good book.
It's interesting the author should write that. It sounds like she and I think alike. I've actually said quite a few times to friends and family (maybe even here) that I don't consider my marriage a failure. I was simply out gunned. In the end however, I did more things right than wrong, and can hold my head high. I had a conversation with my X the other day, and the subject of me changing my name came up. I told him I had no plans to change it. I've worked to d@mn hard for that name, and see it as a badge of honor.
It's interesting the author should write that. It sounds like she and I think alike. I've actually said quite a few times to friends and family (maybe even here) that I don't consider my marriage a failure. I was simply out gunned. In the end however, I did more things right than wrong, and can hold my head high. I had a conversation with my X the other day, and the subject of me changing my name came up. I told him I had no plans to change it. I've worked to d@mn hard for that name, and see it as a badge of honor.
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Originally Posted by CarmenLove
In her book 'A Return To Love' Marianne Williamson talks about how so often we label splits and divorces as 'failures' when the two people part ways, however it is not necessarily so.
Most people, even sometimes those who we marry, we may not be supposed to spend the rest of our lives with, (although Hollywood and fairy stories have us believe otherwise), rather we are just meant 'for a time'.
And that when we have successfully completed that time together, learned what we needed to learn, healed what we needed to heal etc, then we move on.
Other people we will be around for longer, a few perhaps for ever.
And none of them are failures.
Most people, even sometimes those who we marry, we may not be supposed to spend the rest of our lives with, (although Hollywood and fairy stories have us believe otherwise), rather we are just meant 'for a time'.
And that when we have successfully completed that time together, learned what we needed to learn, healed what we needed to heal etc, then we move on.
Other people we will be around for longer, a few perhaps for ever.
And none of them are failures.
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