Cant sleep, won't sleep
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Cant sleep, won't sleep
Video unrelated I think? Yeah I cant sleep. So much stuff going on in my head. It's the same stuff going around and around even when I'm not aware of it. I have an old biddy tell me here a few hours ago 'now don't stay up too late tonight won't ya', oh that old chestnut again. Been through it a million times with her, worry about your own habits for God sake woman.That's her main focus again now this weekend, she mustn't have much else to be thinking about: Oh wait! Apart from going around to furniture stores finally but dreaming about what her life will be when my kid is here (it's a subtle nightmare that I cannot bring the child into for any length). That's not going to happen if she would only ever listen to me, but she doesn't. Staying up til 3,4,5 am is apparently 'crazy' to her, but I have been hinting that perhaps she should look a little closer to home these days. I can block her out anyway for the most part, its a form of learned meditation for me. I've been doing it all my life with them, the fact that she isn't so physically intimidating and threatening makes it a bit easier. So, whats the alternative? My child stayed overnight at my mother's place of residence this week he informed me (the malignant narcissist b!tch - plus my siblings are headed the same way). That's what is stressing me out tonight I'm sure. That is a bad situation and will get a whole lot worse for him in the future, this I know for sure. I said it in the court and the court they were listening sincerely, but obviously his mother wasn't that day. I'm the lone voice in the wilderness in this thing and have been all my life. That said, going off on a tangent now but does anyone here actually know when life begins? Yes, life. Whatever it is, is it happening now? Where's that at, because it definitely aint here (or there) anyway and never was seemingly. If somebody could pass me a hammer to beat myself over the head with for a while, gee, that'd be great.
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
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It goes without saying that life is better all around after a good night of sleep. I said it. How about those nighttime teas? Start drinking tea in early afternoon and get yourself some sleep.
Who is this biddy?
Who is this biddy?
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Chamomile tea is it? Yeah I was taking it before (at the same time as everything else in the sweetshop) but a good idea. Wouldn't mind but I am wrecked out and I'm not even drinking much coffee recently, I had one at lunchtime we were fishing today. It's just the stress of it all, and it is just subconcious to boot.
The old biddy is my aunty that I'm living with here. Cant complain, as I've nowhere else to go except anywhere but for some reason she want's me stuck here. It aint obvious to why, as I do everything g to keep her at arms length and from not becoming codie 'cos thats her aim. She's eh, ok but just not a real person.
This much is my conscious day to day living here. As anything I do she starts to become dependent on and expects more, so I just do jack. But, she is obviously lining up my kid for her codie needs. And it's the same on the other side only worse (my mother). It's an awful mess, that cop dude was right. What a' fcuk'!?
The old biddy is my aunty that I'm living with here. Cant complain, as I've nowhere else to go except anywhere but for some reason she want's me stuck here. It aint obvious to why, as I do everything g to keep her at arms length and from not becoming codie 'cos thats her aim. She's eh, ok but just not a real person.
This much is my conscious day to day living here. As anything I do she starts to become dependent on and expects more, so I just do jack. But, she is obviously lining up my kid for her codie needs. And it's the same on the other side only worse (my mother). It's an awful mess, that cop dude was right. What a' fcuk'!?
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Great music, Strat! Funny, even without the picture of him I can recognize the music of Phillip Glass within about 20 seconds! I hadn't heard that piece but he's one of my favorite modern composers (up there with Aaron Copeland and Howard Hanson).
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I find getting off the computer really helps me wind down before bed.
If thats hard to do there's a nifty bit of free software called flux
that matches your monitor to your lighting
https://justgetflux.com/
D
If thats hard to do there's a nifty bit of free software called flux
that matches your monitor to your lighting
https://justgetflux.com/
D
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
I know this Dee, I was in bed for a few hours but just couldn't sleep. I was not up listening to rave music and drinking coffee/taking speed and then wondering why I can't sleep lol.
Trying to explain that to this woman for the 1000th time is fairly annoying to say the least. Like, I don't ask her why she is morbidly obese when she is stuffing her face, you know?
That sound like a nifty software by the way. Agree'd myth, I do like that piece indeed. I was thinking about composing music again last night, something I have always wanted to do.
Trying to explain that to this woman for the 1000th time is fairly annoying to say the least. Like, I don't ask her why she is morbidly obese when she is stuffing her face, you know?
That sound like a nifty software by the way. Agree'd myth, I do like that piece indeed. I was thinking about composing music again last night, something I have always wanted to do.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
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Someone just gave me some melatonin to try, for night's like the one you had.
I haven't needed it yet, but I've heard it really helps some people and doesn't leave you all groggy like sleeping pills do.
I used to take OTC sleeping pills probably 2-3 times a week (I don't sleep well, never have) but the day I stopped drinking I stopped taking those too. It's been going alright so far, but we'll see...
hope you got to bed eventually!
I haven't needed it yet, but I've heard it really helps some people and doesn't leave you all groggy like sleeping pills do.
I used to take OTC sleeping pills probably 2-3 times a week (I don't sleep well, never have) but the day I stopped drinking I stopped taking those too. It's been going alright so far, but we'll see...
hope you got to bed eventually!
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Yeah I got to sleep a few hours after that, just stayed awake her doing damn all until I was ready to pass out. Yeah, maybe I'l look into that. I just wanna listen to music on these stressful days, like especially yesterday evening after having the kid for the day and it was the same last week but I can't even do that here. I'm walking on eggshells the whole time.
I've lost a lot of respect for the aunty the past while when I realised that she is using me here as a scapegoat to the father. That has ints own dimension I know of of course but still. They were having an argument recently about some crazy stuff from 50 years back, I was going to go down and stick myself in there for her but I though 'hold up a min' and listened in (I felt about 10 years of age again).
So she said 'sure I can't *whatever it was* in the evenings now, I have to rush back here after work to look after him (me) making food for him and etc). HUH? ABSOLUTE B-S! It's a relief for me when she is not here, and I am grateful to not be rough sleeping but that is it. SO when I said it to her that evening she denied it outright. I heard the FN thing myself. So basically it was a realization, I don't know how to put this politely so I won't - she's just another POS unfortunately. That is gas lighting in my book, the wretch. So thats that, she's using me here I know so fair dinkum and I'l do the same. I bought her an iPad a while ago because she kept asking me to look up the same things, about a suite of furniture blah blah. NOW, several years ago before any of this happened for me I asked he, out of a sense of duty mind you as this house was empty- I was planning to move from where I was it had descended into pure ball of sh!t and madness slowly bunt surely and I could not get any peace. I wanted to out some distance between me and my ex (it was a message from the man above tbh). SO, this house was empty I was aware, and I asked her she thought about me living here and maybe putting the rent money and my time into doing the place up a bit, or a lot even (its a F'N dive). Also I was getting on ok with my ex's family then and her father is really handy in that way, i.e. cheap labour and expertise potentially.
This was not my first plan at all, I just thought it would be the most pragmatic and proper thing thing to do and beneficial to all and was relived when she said no. I basically didn't want to move down here and kind be eh-em, wanting to live anywhere else but here as its the same with my siblings- they went to college down here and this house was empty, she was looking to rent it and they tried to get them staying here but my siblings wouldn't because a) its a F'N dump. and b) probably because of her too and the father. Although when I was working away all the time I always got on ok with her, from a distance obviously. I Used to send her and an xmas and bday card/gift every year, the reason being because she has always done that for me and my sibs all our life, where no other relative has. Ok? And I used to take her out for the occasional meal when I was in the form and for the same reason. Because it was the right thing to do, right? She's a lonely spinster, I never she was a bitter one too. Turns out anyway she's just another F'n weirdo I don't know how else to put it to be fair. She used to mind me too when I was small and my parents were out drinking/disspeared/beating each other and stuff, taking me to the beach etc. Oh and she gave me a beating once! I remember that. AND she slapped my child one day a few years ago when we end out for the day with her. I duly noted it at the time, luckily I was tired because I should have given her two black eyes for that. She would look like a Panda then, except that they are cool I don't think the scheme against each other.
LONG STORY SHORT? I am getting sick of this. Guy's, can I not just get really drunk and smash up the town or something? Like, I'l have a place to stay then. I might even get the help that ye all seem to think I deserve. I've had that idea now for years at times.
I know I know, I just gotta hang in there and walk on eggshells now until the am and I will have most of the week to myself to meditate, contemplate and listen to music right. Pfffft, taste the motherfunking rainbow though, and kiss my ass world today seriously.
" Cant sleep, won't sleep, don't sleep" lol
I've lost a lot of respect for the aunty the past while when I realised that she is using me here as a scapegoat to the father. That has ints own dimension I know of of course but still. They were having an argument recently about some crazy stuff from 50 years back, I was going to go down and stick myself in there for her but I though 'hold up a min' and listened in (I felt about 10 years of age again).
So she said 'sure I can't *whatever it was* in the evenings now, I have to rush back here after work to look after him (me) making food for him and etc). HUH? ABSOLUTE B-S! It's a relief for me when she is not here, and I am grateful to not be rough sleeping but that is it. SO when I said it to her that evening she denied it outright. I heard the FN thing myself. So basically it was a realization, I don't know how to put this politely so I won't - she's just another POS unfortunately. That is gas lighting in my book, the wretch. So thats that, she's using me here I know so fair dinkum and I'l do the same. I bought her an iPad a while ago because she kept asking me to look up the same things, about a suite of furniture blah blah. NOW, several years ago before any of this happened for me I asked he, out of a sense of duty mind you as this house was empty- I was planning to move from where I was it had descended into pure ball of sh!t and madness slowly bunt surely and I could not get any peace. I wanted to out some distance between me and my ex (it was a message from the man above tbh). SO, this house was empty I was aware, and I asked her she thought about me living here and maybe putting the rent money and my time into doing the place up a bit, or a lot even (its a F'N dive). Also I was getting on ok with my ex's family then and her father is really handy in that way, i.e. cheap labour and expertise potentially.
This was not my first plan at all, I just thought it would be the most pragmatic and proper thing thing to do and beneficial to all and was relived when she said no. I basically didn't want to move down here and kind be eh-em, wanting to live anywhere else but here as its the same with my siblings- they went to college down here and this house was empty, she was looking to rent it and they tried to get them staying here but my siblings wouldn't because a) its a F'N dump. and b) probably because of her too and the father. Although when I was working away all the time I always got on ok with her, from a distance obviously. I Used to send her and an xmas and bday card/gift every year, the reason being because she has always done that for me and my sibs all our life, where no other relative has. Ok? And I used to take her out for the occasional meal when I was in the form and for the same reason. Because it was the right thing to do, right? She's a lonely spinster, I never she was a bitter one too. Turns out anyway she's just another F'n weirdo I don't know how else to put it to be fair. She used to mind me too when I was small and my parents were out drinking/disspeared/beating each other and stuff, taking me to the beach etc. Oh and she gave me a beating once! I remember that. AND she slapped my child one day a few years ago when we end out for the day with her. I duly noted it at the time, luckily I was tired because I should have given her two black eyes for that. She would look like a Panda then, except that they are cool I don't think the scheme against each other.
LONG STORY SHORT? I am getting sick of this. Guy's, can I not just get really drunk and smash up the town or something? Like, I'l have a place to stay then. I might even get the help that ye all seem to think I deserve. I've had that idea now for years at times.
I know I know, I just gotta hang in there and walk on eggshells now until the am and I will have most of the week to myself to meditate, contemplate and listen to music right. Pfffft, taste the motherfunking rainbow though, and kiss my ass world today seriously.
" Cant sleep, won't sleep, don't sleep" lol
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Excercise has been helping me with the insomnia. Melatonin too, but it only seems to work when I excercise. Plus, it will get you out away from the biddy, clear your head and calm you down. That's my advice.
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Man, I've read this thread several times...and I still can't really pinpoint what's keeping you awake Strat, other than people won't do what you want them to (me either) and that I think you need to be working towards having your own digs?
D
D
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She could say the same YuriO but I have already expressed one of the reasons why she wants me here. There are more, many in fact but I wouldn't know where to begin and they are far from within the realm of 'normal' anyway. As for the insomnia, thanks for the advice. I've been dealing with it half my life so I'm well versed, it's totally stress related. That's the problem?
This thread here is a bit of a ramble but there is a lot of truth nuggets in it. It was nice of me to 'put up' with her those years when I was self actualizing. To think of her at times and to take her out etc. I was only a teenager then and in my early 20's, I had no alterior motive as I've explained above it's because I am an empath basically
However, the problem is that she is not.
Not at all. She is extremely domineering, bossy, controlling and as I have learned quite a manipulative person also. She lies. This is all going on behind the scenes, if you met her you would thing she was a sweet old lady and thats what I thought. However anyone with a bit of sense should be able to figure out the dynamics but it has taken me a long time.
I need to expand on some of this but for now: the situation here for me is born of necessity. I.e, I have no other support in my life or place to go (never had an probably never will, this is just one degree away from the lifetime of abuse I have endure, and I did everything in my power to not end up in this situation). On the other hand, it is just as detrimental to me now as it is helpful.
It's difficult to say the least. Oh, and there was a bit of a barney this evening! I used my analogy from earlier because she was all up in my personal space for too long and the time was right. She almost hit me. I mean, very nearly she had her fist in my face and was biting her tongue lol...
This thread here is a bit of a ramble but there is a lot of truth nuggets in it. It was nice of me to 'put up' with her those years when I was self actualizing. To think of her at times and to take her out etc. I was only a teenager then and in my early 20's, I had no alterior motive as I've explained above it's because I am an empath basically
However, the problem is that she is not.
Not at all. She is extremely domineering, bossy, controlling and as I have learned quite a manipulative person also. She lies. This is all going on behind the scenes, if you met her you would thing she was a sweet old lady and thats what I thought. However anyone with a bit of sense should be able to figure out the dynamics but it has taken me a long time.
I need to expand on some of this but for now: the situation here for me is born of necessity. I.e, I have no other support in my life or place to go (never had an probably never will, this is just one degree away from the lifetime of abuse I have endure, and I did everything in my power to not end up in this situation). On the other hand, it is just as detrimental to me now as it is helpful.
It's difficult to say the least. Oh, and there was a bit of a barney this evening! I used my analogy from earlier because she was all up in my personal space for too long and the time was right. She almost hit me. I mean, very nearly she had her fist in my face and was biting her tongue lol...
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Originally Posted by Dee74 
Man, I've read this thread several times...and I still can't really pinpoint what's keeping you awake Strat, other than people won't do what you want them to (me either) and that I think you need to be working towards having your own digs?
Originally Posted by Dee74
still can't really pinpoint what's keeping you awake Strat, other than people won't do what you want them to
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