Triggers
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Triggers
Major trigger today-and yes, I cried. Walked away at a birthday party and cried by myself for a second. We were sitting with friends watching our kids play and one of the moms was talking about how her husband is a renaissance man-smokes things, hunts and cleans his kills, pickles things, loves ponas (sp?) and all things German. I could swear she was talking about my ex. Those were just some of the many things that I loved about him-the things that made him HIM.
Guys-I know we are divorced and I know everything that has happened-I'm not in denial about anything and am secure knowing the person he is now is nowhere near me or our girls. BUT-this is a big but-I have to admit-in my heart I still consider him my husband. I guess I choose to follow my faith and believe that a piece of paper doesn't make you married any more than it makes you divorced. Really struggling right now. I still love this man, despite everything.
Guys-I know we are divorced and I know everything that has happened-I'm not in denial about anything and am secure knowing the person he is now is nowhere near me or our girls. BUT-this is a big but-I have to admit-in my heart I still consider him my husband. I guess I choose to follow my faith and believe that a piece of paper doesn't make you married any more than it makes you divorced. Really struggling right now. I still love this man, despite everything.
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Totally natural to go back to what he USED to be when you get those triggers and it takes quite some time before they don't trigger you anymore. What you remember is quite different than what he is now. Stay strong.
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I TOTALLY get this.
I have had to distance myself away from a couple. The lady of the pair triggers me every time I see them. It got so bad, I started considering her a second qualifier in my AlAnon program. To be honest, she is an untreated should-be AlAnon'er. I am considering tactfully suggesting that she look into the program.
On the other hand, my hanging out with someone who has married two different gay men and continually has wild stories about guys who transgendered then married a man from Long Beach, is maybe not the healthiest friendship I could ask for, even if I were stronger in my recovery.
I am not sure anybody would fault us for choosing friends carefully when we're trying to recover.
I have had to distance myself away from a couple. The lady of the pair triggers me every time I see them. It got so bad, I started considering her a second qualifier in my AlAnon program. To be honest, she is an untreated should-be AlAnon'er. I am considering tactfully suggesting that she look into the program.
On the other hand, my hanging out with someone who has married two different gay men and continually has wild stories about guys who transgendered then married a man from Long Beach, is maybe not the healthiest friendship I could ask for, even if I were stronger in my recovery.
I am not sure anybody would fault us for choosing friends carefully when we're trying to recover.
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I guess what kills me is I always saw him-him-he was so much more than deinking. We were a team that worked on things until alcoholism hit him and crazy hit me. I knew and still know there is so much more to him but towards the end it was dwindling so fast and killing him, us and our family. He went from The most exciting and caring man I met (when we married) to the most boring and selfish bc he literally just looked forward to drinking by himself-not me or our family. That was his hobby. Getting drunk by himself when life happened. So yes, he is not that person anymore but he is still him.
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Another trigger tonight-my oldest was helping me clean the garage and she found a farm house that her dad was supposed to put together for her-two years ago. It never happened, along with a lot of other things, and my daughter feels it-she kicked the box and just walked away. Triggered her, too.
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The hardest thing for me has been the ability to grieve for someone who you love who is in the same shell but not the same person they used to be. I have known my STBAXH since we were 12 so I have SO many triggers! I can relate. So when those moments sneak up on me, I just allow myself to feel it then shake it off. The same face I loved for so many years has abandoned me and DD7 in every way. So sad.
You are not alone!!
You are not alone!!
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I am so sorry you are in pain. Triggers happen every day, all day for me as well. I completely understand. I will say though, when something happens to one of my kids that is due to my stbxah broken or empty promises to them, such as your daughter and the farmhouse, that is when I know I have to get them to a stable living environment and he cannot offer that environment right now.
As someone posted about knowing their A since they were 12. I have lived my Stbxah since I was 8. And when I look in his eyes, I see that little boy and all of the stages of our lives we have shared. It breaks my heart. All my children see is the abusive alcoholic man that he is now. It would be better if their outsides changed as much as their personalities have. It might be easier to recognize the ugliness of alcoholism and abuse. It is very hard not to think and romanticize about who they were and all of the things you loved about them. But we have to keep reminding ourselves that is not who they are now and we have to keep remembering all of the things they put us and our children through and how difficult it has been to even make it this far in our own recovery and we need to keep moving forward if not for our sake for our children's. But non of that helps the pain go away and non of that makes any of this easier. Sending you big hugs!!!
As someone posted about knowing their A since they were 12. I have lived my Stbxah since I was 8. And when I look in his eyes, I see that little boy and all of the stages of our lives we have shared. It breaks my heart. All my children see is the abusive alcoholic man that he is now. It would be better if their outsides changed as much as their personalities have. It might be easier to recognize the ugliness of alcoholism and abuse. It is very hard not to think and romanticize about who they were and all of the things you loved about them. But we have to keep reminding ourselves that is not who they are now and we have to keep remembering all of the things they put us and our children through and how difficult it has been to even make it this far in our own recovery and we need to keep moving forward if not for our sake for our children's. But non of that helps the pain go away and non of that makes any of this easier. Sending you big hugs!!!
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Forourgirls, I think I understand how you feel. I've started going thru the many boxes of stuff that have been stored upstairs for years. I knew it would be tough, but the toughest stuff is the things from when we were first together, not married yet, and it seemed like my dreams had come true. There is a little red armadillo w/a bobbing head that sat on the dashboard of his truck (we met working at Quicksilver Express Courier). There is a pitcher that I used to fill with whatever was blooming and leave on his kitchen table. I can't help but remember what it was like way back then and grieve for how it went so wrong.
But in those boxes, there was also a wineglass I received when the interior landscape company I worked for won a national award for one of our large downtown accounts. I was the maintenance tech on that account. And the glass was inscribed and dated--October of 1990. I didn't even know XAH then. And I managed to do something good.
It's hard. But I have to believe it gets better.
But in those boxes, there was also a wineglass I received when the interior landscape company I worked for won a national award for one of our large downtown accounts. I was the maintenance tech on that account. And the glass was inscribed and dated--October of 1990. I didn't even know XAH then. And I managed to do something good.
It's hard. But I have to believe it gets better.
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Thank you, y'all 
the triggers work both ways-I get triggered about a lot of my stuff and issues, too-and work through those as well. I know what my Pastor says is true-there are no bad marriages; you have to create a good marriage-they don't just happen. Same thing in each of us-we create ourselves by learning from our mistakes and growing and changing and NOT living in denial. Or we choose to continue functioning like a child, live in denial and not face the consequences of our actions. My ex and I took very different paths. That's ok. But damn is it hard.
the triggers work both ways-I get triggered about a lot of my stuff and issues, too-and work through those as well. I know what my Pastor says is true-there are no bad marriages; you have to create a good marriage-they don't just happen. Same thing in each of us-we create ourselves by learning from our mistakes and growing and changing and NOT living in denial. Or we choose to continue functioning like a child, live in denial and not face the consequences of our actions. My ex and I took very different paths. That's ok. But damn is it hard.
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