My resolve is dwindling
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 91
My resolve is dwindling
ABF is being totally normal and nice, and I'm second-guessing myself. I know I can't and I shouldn't, but it's hard when he's being so sweet. I'm doing this thing where I justify everything that's happened and start to think that maybe I was wrong about this relationship being abusive....
Please help.
I'm heading to an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow evening. I looked for one today, but the only local one I could find was this morning.
Please help.
I'm heading to an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow evening. I looked for one today, but the only local one I could find was this morning.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: NJ
Posts: 95
What do you think you are second guessing? I have been where you are I think from what you are saying. I tend to soften when he softens and even when he has done things I should be angry about or have been abused or disrespected in whatever way, I start to "overlook" it and am way too understanding and tolerant because I know he is "sick" and really "didn't mean it." At least that's where I have gone in my mind and it has in the past allowed me to soften my boundary, but then when the cycle happens again it leaves me in deeper and deeper hurt and despair.. Which has made me realize, I am the one who needs to deal with myself.. And this weekend and past few days first time in a while I have had no contact and it feels healthier even though I feel anxious and sad and lonely and wonder, "well maybe if I just..." I don't know if this helps, but I hear you and am dealing and have with what sounds like you are feeling. What do you think would help your resolve to get back to what it was before you starting feeling this way?...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
ithakas, you know, I think, that I do DV stuff for a living. Very, very few abusers are abusive at all times. That's part of the reason it's so hard for victims to leave. When things are going well for the abuser--they are happy with how you are behaving at the moment--or when they want something and manipulation is something that might work, the good, "sweet" behavior comes out. The bottom line, though, is that if you have seen abusive behavior (and I don't think you're at ALL mistaken about what that is), you will see it again. And again. Because, on many levels, it WORKS.
I think it's often harder for us professional women to acknowledge what's going on with abuse, too, because to acknowledge it makes us feel weak. It's sort of the same kind of struggle abused men have with admitting they are victims. The urge to deny it and hope you were just misinterpreting is very strong.
I'd suggest asking your therapist to recommend a group for abuse survivors. I think Al-Anon can be very helpful, but some of the Al-Anon approaches can be less than helpful where abuse is involved. To take an AA/Al-Anon slogan, First Things First. Your physical and emotional safety come first before you can realize the benefits of the Step work, I think. Just my opinion.
The last guy I lived with was emotionally abusive at times--he was a master manipulator. I didn't want to see it, either, and it's relatively recently that I was able to acknowledge it. I felt like I was in control of the situation--nobody "made" me do things that made me feel bad about myself, but the fact is he was a very selfish guy who didn't care how other people felt as long as he was happy.
I think it's often harder for us professional women to acknowledge what's going on with abuse, too, because to acknowledge it makes us feel weak. It's sort of the same kind of struggle abused men have with admitting they are victims. The urge to deny it and hope you were just misinterpreting is very strong.
I'd suggest asking your therapist to recommend a group for abuse survivors. I think Al-Anon can be very helpful, but some of the Al-Anon approaches can be less than helpful where abuse is involved. To take an AA/Al-Anon slogan, First Things First. Your physical and emotional safety come first before you can realize the benefits of the Step work, I think. Just my opinion.
The last guy I lived with was emotionally abusive at times--he was a master manipulator. I didn't want to see it, either, and it's relatively recently that I was able to acknowledge it. I felt like I was in control of the situation--nobody "made" me do things that made me feel bad about myself, but the fact is he was a very selfish guy who didn't care how other people felt as long as he was happy.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Maybe it's time to go back and look at that list you wrote of his worst lows? Or read your old posts? You've been dealing with this for years! Just taking a quick glance at your posts, I see holes punched in walls and doors, locking you out of your house. I'm sure there's a lot more scary stuff on that list.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Arizona
Posts: 27
theseithakas, I totally understand where you are coming from and I am in pretty much the same spot as you are right now. I know my AH is abusive and I have been making a leaving plan the last few weeks. I second guess myself a lot and have been going through these feelings and justifications for the past 7 years. For now he is being nice so it makes it hard for me to leave.
The problem for me is that he goes through cycles. He will be good for a while but then he will start on his rants when he is drinking and how horrible I am and I can do no right and during this cycle is when his abusive behaviors come out. Then when I start making plans to leave or I decide he is being abusive toward me he somehow cools his jets. In my case and I would bet in your situation as well there will always be a next time.
Also from what I have seen in my research, when you justify and second guess the abuse there is for sure abuse.
Don't second guess your decision because it only delays your healing and following through with your decision. Abuse runs in cycles and he will not suddenly become non abusive. He may cool it for a while but you can be sure it will be back. I know how hard it is to make a plan and stick to it but you need to do what is right for you. Only you know if you can live the rest of your life in this situation. I keep telling myself "life is short and we only get to live once" and you deserve peace and happiness, whatever that might be.
(((Hugs))) to you. I just want you to know you are not alone.
The problem for me is that he goes through cycles. He will be good for a while but then he will start on his rants when he is drinking and how horrible I am and I can do no right and during this cycle is when his abusive behaviors come out. Then when I start making plans to leave or I decide he is being abusive toward me he somehow cools his jets. In my case and I would bet in your situation as well there will always be a next time.
Also from what I have seen in my research, when you justify and second guess the abuse there is for sure abuse.
Don't second guess your decision because it only delays your healing and following through with your decision. Abuse runs in cycles and he will not suddenly become non abusive. He may cool it for a while but you can be sure it will be back. I know how hard it is to make a plan and stick to it but you need to do what is right for you. Only you know if you can live the rest of your life in this situation. I keep telling myself "life is short and we only get to live once" and you deserve peace and happiness, whatever that might be.
(((Hugs))) to you. I just want you to know you are not alone.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
The "nice" period. The honeymoon period. The "hoover", (like sucking you back in like a vacuum".
I think when I wrote my post about why people stay, I left that one out. I don't know why. That was the biggest reason.
They can sense when something is wrong. They will do everything they can at that moment to try to draw you back in. I did get to the point that the fighting was more comfortable for me then the "hoover". I just wanted peace and calm, I wanted to be relaxed. Thing was, I walked on eggshells more when he was "hoovering" then when he was attacking. I just wanted the calm, and was afraid to set him off again. Never know what will do that.
I was leaving and making plans at least 3 times before I just got in my car, one day in a daze and drove to my friends house. I was looking at rentals, moving in with my mother, going to buy a single wide. I put all of those off because he showed up and was being nice.
It's like they know when you are getting stronger and thinking of leaving, and they also know how to increase the abuse because you were getting stronger and thinking of leaving.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))
There are many people here that know exactly what you are going through.
amy
I think when I wrote my post about why people stay, I left that one out. I don't know why. That was the biggest reason.
They can sense when something is wrong. They will do everything they can at that moment to try to draw you back in. I did get to the point that the fighting was more comfortable for me then the "hoover". I just wanted peace and calm, I wanted to be relaxed. Thing was, I walked on eggshells more when he was "hoovering" then when he was attacking. I just wanted the calm, and was afraid to set him off again. Never know what will do that.
I was leaving and making plans at least 3 times before I just got in my car, one day in a daze and drove to my friends house. I was looking at rentals, moving in with my mother, going to buy a single wide. I put all of those off because he showed up and was being nice.
It's like they know when you are getting stronger and thinking of leaving, and they also know how to increase the abuse because you were getting stronger and thinking of leaving.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))
There are many people here that know exactly what you are going through.
amy
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Amy, you are exactly right and I had forgotten or put that out of my mind. They absolutely sense when you are getting stronger and about to make changes. And that is exactly when they show you just enough to make you question what you are doing and give them another chance. Oh my goodness how many times have I out my plans, my life and my children on hold because my very charming husband decided to turn on that charm and show me he can be the man I need and want him to be. It also makes me know that he knows exactly what he is doing when he is abusive. How else would he be able to know exactly what to do to keep me hanging on. He knows how to be a good man and a good husband but he chooses not to be!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 91
Thank you all for your thoughts. I'm constantly amazed by how supportive and wonderful everyone on this forum is. And you all hit the nail right on the head - it's good for me to hear things like this. It's incredible how long I went just ignoring all this stuff, and now that it's time for MY recovery - I don't want to make assumptions, but I see how this can be just as difficult as overcoming any other addiction.
Uplifting - we definitely are in a similar place. Right now being on this website as often as possible and going over the bad things that have taken place in our relationship seem to be the most helpful antidotes. Sounds like you're doing great work for yourself.
LexieCat: You are so right. I am carrying so much shame around - I've worked with DV survivors for YEARS, on both sides of the equation (advocate and criminal defense attorney), and I can't believe I let myself get here. And feeling like I should have everything together because I have a career and financial independence and this that and the other...I really feel like a failure. I did some research on abuse support groups last night...I'll have to check in with my therapist on Wednesday, because the one local one I could find meets in the middle of the day on Tuesdays. I found some online support groups, so I'll check those out for now.
jjj: I went back and read my old posts, and you're right. I can't believe it's been so long. Those posts are horrifying, as is my list. I'll keep reading it over and over until it sticks.
sunny34: Hugs to you my dear. Life is short, and BOTH you and me deserve peace and happiness.
amy55: Your post really struck me. I'm definitely getting "hoovered." Thanks so much for understanding.
Anvil: Being helpful around the house, taking care of me because I don't feel well, wanting to cuddle, saying sweet things to me...I know that stuff isn't long for this world, but it still makes me sad.
searching: The last few sentences of your post are SO insightful. He knows how to be a good man - and he chooses not to be. Wow. I'm still turning that around in my mind.
Thank you all again. Hearing it from you is immeasurably helpful, and I know no matter how awful I feel, I can come here and people will be there for me. I'm lucky to have you all and Im lucky to have friends that are supportive and I know that I'll get through this eventually and be okay because...I'm pretty great. Hah!
Uplifting - we definitely are in a similar place. Right now being on this website as often as possible and going over the bad things that have taken place in our relationship seem to be the most helpful antidotes. Sounds like you're doing great work for yourself.
LexieCat: You are so right. I am carrying so much shame around - I've worked with DV survivors for YEARS, on both sides of the equation (advocate and criminal defense attorney), and I can't believe I let myself get here. And feeling like I should have everything together because I have a career and financial independence and this that and the other...I really feel like a failure. I did some research on abuse support groups last night...I'll have to check in with my therapist on Wednesday, because the one local one I could find meets in the middle of the day on Tuesdays. I found some online support groups, so I'll check those out for now.
jjj: I went back and read my old posts, and you're right. I can't believe it's been so long. Those posts are horrifying, as is my list. I'll keep reading it over and over until it sticks.
sunny34: Hugs to you my dear. Life is short, and BOTH you and me deserve peace and happiness.
amy55: Your post really struck me. I'm definitely getting "hoovered." Thanks so much for understanding.
Anvil: Being helpful around the house, taking care of me because I don't feel well, wanting to cuddle, saying sweet things to me...I know that stuff isn't long for this world, but it still makes me sad.
searching: The last few sentences of your post are SO insightful. He knows how to be a good man - and he chooses not to be. Wow. I'm still turning that around in my mind.
Thank you all again. Hearing it from you is immeasurably helpful, and I know no matter how awful I feel, I can come here and people will be there for me. I'm lucky to have you all and Im lucky to have friends that are supportive and I know that I'll get through this eventually and be okay because...I'm pretty great. Hah!
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: NJ
Posts: 95
I totally am with you about the amazement of letting myself get to this point. I am a Psychologist and work with addiction all day long and have for years and it shocks me that I landed in this space... so I waver between shame and guilt and shock and then come out of it with further understanding and that this is a HUGE learning lesson and insight into myself and my issues and recovery that I have clearly not been addressing. And intend to from now on!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 91
As if I needed another reminder, I'm pretty sick to my stomach today, and as I'm sitting here in bed, trying not to yak again, ABF saunters in and is like, "I feel like you don't want me around right now...*pout pout*"
Like, NO DUDE. JUST TRYING NOT TO THROW UP ON MYSELF. NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU.
Like, NO DUDE. JUST TRYING NOT TO THROW UP ON MYSELF. NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: NJ
Posts: 95
It's like everything is always about them... and even I know for myself, its like I have made everything about them too, which is the insane part, for me! And what he really means is "I don't want to be around myself ever, which is why I drink and escape in the ways I do, because I can't even face myself and never want to, sad face." or I can imagine mine saying this and this is how I would interpret it. Sorry you aren't feeling well.. 
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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LOL! I am thinking about the irony of the disconnect between one's professional life and personal life.....
Actually, it happens all the time....no one is immune.....
It is funny that we always seem so surprised by this.....
Now, I ask you.....would you imagine any guy cheating on Jennifer Lopez or Hallie Barry?? Yet, that has been a problem for those women.....
Could yo imagine that the author of DR. Seuss....actually was quite annoyed by children and didn't like to be around them for very long....??
True....revealed by his wife after his death.......
The beat goes on......
dandylion
Actually, it happens all the time....no one is immune.....
It is funny that we always seem so surprised by this.....
Now, I ask you.....would you imagine any guy cheating on Jennifer Lopez or Hallie Barry?? Yet, that has been a problem for those women.....
Could yo imagine that the author of DR. Seuss....actually was quite annoyed by children and didn't like to be around them for very long....??
True....revealed by his wife after his death.......
The beat goes on......
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: NJ
Posts: 95
It's so true! And yes the disconnect makes sense and yet still took me by surprise, and no shock here, this revelation and recovery road I am on personally is definitely helping me professionally too in ways that I didn't even know or realize or wanted to admit, that I need help with! :0
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Anvil: Being helpful around the house, taking care of me because I don't feel well, wanting to cuddle, saying sweet things to me...I know that stuff isn't long for this world, but it still makes me sad.
that should be baseline stuff....GIVENS it's been called here.....
but when we are used to settling for CRUMBS thse things seem to heroic monumental, superhero stuff.
that should be baseline stuff....GIVENS it's been called here.....
but when we are used to settling for CRUMBS thse things seem to heroic monumental, superhero stuff.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Oxford, England
Posts: 38
inner contentment
Once you step away from the daily walking on egg shells, the possibility of everything going pear-shaped, the incidents of abuse, you enter a new phase of solitude that is scary at first. Choose to be alone and allow the feelings of loneliness, panic, fear and regret to flow right through you every day. These feelings will gradually lessen. Sooner than you realise, you will have friends calling you, little trips arranged and a new life. Try a new hobby, yoga, dance lessons, painting or singing. It is easier to find inner contentment this way than in an unhappy relationship.
Once you taste inner contentment, you won't let anyone steal it from you. Good luck with your new life.
Once you taste inner contentment, you won't let anyone steal it from you. Good luck with your new life.
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