Mediation has caused me a problem and we are not even through the door!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Mediation has caused me a problem and we are not even through the door!
Hello my SR Family.
I want to share something with you...to hear your thoughts and help support me along the way.
My Mother in law got back on her enabling bus this week with my AH which is disappointing, although it's also none of my business. She has upset me a lot this week especially with an email she sent me.
In times gone by before my recovery I would have emailed back and told her exactly what I thought and Told her where she was going wrong! Makes me laugh now as thanks to Al Anon and SR I have not reacted at all and although I am upset with her I will not be part of the circus.
She has enabled my AH all his life. and always plays the victim role hersel....sigh....
So moving on this week I booked an appointment for mediation in regards to seperating from AH. He was away at a conference and returned last night.
The letters arrived separately addressed to each of us confirming the said appointment and I left his post on the kitchen bench as usual.
Fast forward to 11pm last night I was just going to bed when in a drunken stupor he marches into the kitchen with his phone on loudspeaker slurring 'slisten to thisssss'...
To my surprise the mediator had left a message on his phone saying unfortunately she could not make the said meeting regarding the seperation because blah blah she alSo said she had tried to get hold of me to no avail. But no message was left at all....and I was totally unaware of this.
I had two missed calls but no message left.
When I booked the appointment I had told the lady I spoke to that my husband was not keen on seperating but I was hoping he would join in the sessions in order to do what's best regarding the children etc.
so basically my husband received that phone message before he knew anything about the booked appointment. And he was really cross.....however I am a greT believer that things happen for. Reason but I do think under the circumstances they should have left a message for me not him.....what do you think?
Moving forward its done now and I will rearrange the appointment but my husband went into a of role play on his own last night saying loudly' bring it on, I can't wait for the truth to come out'...blah blah blah......I went to bed and had a good sleep just waking up now.
I do think the mediator people handled it badly under the circumstances because the letters were only sent the day before so the very earliest we would have seen them would have been yesterday.......I just feel it's caused me a hurdle I could have done without.
They have caused tension between my AH and myself during what is Already a difficult time.
I had been to Al Anon earlier in the day so my serenity had been topped up....and I handled it quite well but...
Ideally he should have had the letter first......and I believe as I booked the appointment it should have been me they spoke to about changing it.
Thoughts please......all the best Phiz
I want to share something with you...to hear your thoughts and help support me along the way.
My Mother in law got back on her enabling bus this week with my AH which is disappointing, although it's also none of my business. She has upset me a lot this week especially with an email she sent me.
In times gone by before my recovery I would have emailed back and told her exactly what I thought and Told her where she was going wrong! Makes me laugh now as thanks to Al Anon and SR I have not reacted at all and although I am upset with her I will not be part of the circus.
She has enabled my AH all his life. and always plays the victim role hersel....sigh....
So moving on this week I booked an appointment for mediation in regards to seperating from AH. He was away at a conference and returned last night.
The letters arrived separately addressed to each of us confirming the said appointment and I left his post on the kitchen bench as usual.
Fast forward to 11pm last night I was just going to bed when in a drunken stupor he marches into the kitchen with his phone on loudspeaker slurring 'slisten to thisssss'...
To my surprise the mediator had left a message on his phone saying unfortunately she could not make the said meeting regarding the seperation because blah blah she alSo said she had tried to get hold of me to no avail. But no message was left at all....and I was totally unaware of this.
I had two missed calls but no message left.
When I booked the appointment I had told the lady I spoke to that my husband was not keen on seperating but I was hoping he would join in the sessions in order to do what's best regarding the children etc.
so basically my husband received that phone message before he knew anything about the booked appointment. And he was really cross.....however I am a greT believer that things happen for. Reason but I do think under the circumstances they should have left a message for me not him.....what do you think?
Moving forward its done now and I will rearrange the appointment but my husband went into a of role play on his own last night saying loudly' bring it on, I can't wait for the truth to come out'...blah blah blah......I went to bed and had a good sleep just waking up now.
I do think the mediator people handled it badly under the circumstances because the letters were only sent the day before so the very earliest we would have seen them would have been yesterday.......I just feel it's caused me a hurdle I could have done without.
They have caused tension between my AH and myself during what is Already a difficult time.
I had been to Al Anon earlier in the day so my serenity had been topped up....and I handled it quite well but...
Ideally he should have had the letter first......and I believe as I booked the appointment it should have been me they spoke to about changing it.
Thoughts please......all the best Phiz
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
I agree with you that it was handled poorly and I understand your being upset. If it were me, I would call the mediators office and explain what has upset you and how you would like for them to handle this situation in the future. In my opinion, that would be a good way for you to establish boundaries with the mediator that you need for your sake.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Just to clarify- You did not tell your AH you did this correct? The letter came, you sat it on the counter. He came home and didn't see the letter? Then he got that call which was his first notification that he was supposed to be at mediation the next day and was angry?
I don't blame him. I am unfamiliar with your system - but it sounds like mediation is the same as here since handled by the mediating firm. This was not a Court proceeding and voluntary. Why didn't you ask him if he would be willing to mediate, then book it and tell him when? If he is not going to participate, or is pissed off because he didn't know, you have lost half the battle. No, I don't think its strange they called him because since he was a participant it would be natural to assume HE KNEW he was supposed to be in mediation the following day. Your actions are puzzling to say the least.
I don't blame him. I am unfamiliar with your system - but it sounds like mediation is the same as here since handled by the mediating firm. This was not a Court proceeding and voluntary. Why didn't you ask him if he would be willing to mediate, then book it and tell him when? If he is not going to participate, or is pissed off because he didn't know, you have lost half the battle. No, I don't think its strange they called him because since he was a participant it would be natural to assume HE KNEW he was supposed to be in mediation the following day. Your actions are puzzling to say the least.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Sorry I didn't explain myself fully....he did know I was booking the appointment. We discussed it ten days ago.
Because he had been away with work This week we hadn't had the chance to talk to him prior to her call and message to him....hopefully that makes sense.
Had I had the opportunity if course I would have handed him the letter and confirmed there are the details of the mediation meeting.
Take care Phiz
Because he had been away with work This week we hadn't had the chance to talk to him prior to her call and message to him....hopefully that makes sense.
Had I had the opportunity if course I would have handed him the letter and confirmed there are the details of the mediation meeting.
Take care Phiz
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
First, they apparently tried to get in touch with you but there was a glitch.
Secondly, how were they supposed to know you hadn't talked to your husband about the separation? In fact, from your post, the counselor had every reason to believe you HAD talked about it: I had told the lady I spoke to that my husband was not keen on seperating
It's nobody's fault. Technology isn't perfect.
This was going to be awkward, with the two of you still living together.
I somehow missed your mother-in-law's role was in this incident.
Secondly, how were they supposed to know you hadn't talked to your husband about the separation? In fact, from your post, the counselor had every reason to believe you HAD talked about it: I had told the lady I spoke to that my husband was not keen on seperating
It's nobody's fault. Technology isn't perfect.
This was going to be awkward, with the two of you still living together.
I somehow missed your mother-in-law's role was in this incident.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Hi Velma I think we were posting at the same time lol!
He did know I was going to book it...please see my reply above.
My AH and I do communicate very well...during the day when he is sober..so yes I apologise for leaving the bit out about we had discussed it previously several times and he did know I was booking it.
Because he was away with work returning last night, we did not have a chance to discuss it prior to him picking up the message as I like to discuss important stuff with him when he is sober during the day so we are both on the same page. Hopefully that is clearer now.
He did know I was going to book it...please see my reply above.
My AH and I do communicate very well...during the day when he is sober..so yes I apologise for leaving the bit out about we had discussed it previously several times and he did know I was booking it.
Because he was away with work returning last night, we did not have a chance to discuss it prior to him picking up the message as I like to discuss important stuff with him when he is sober during the day so we are both on the same page. Hopefully that is clearer now.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm sorry all this happened, Phiz...I think it was just an error on the part of the mediation firm.
You told him you were making the appointment, you made the appointment. You were both sent letters confirming the appointment.
The firm needed to change the appointment and tried to call both of you. They did not leave a voice mail for you, but they did leave a voice mail for him.
They should have also left a message for you, I agree. I'm sorry you had to be treated to his bluster and blow because of it.
I don't think this necessarily means the firm is incompetent, they just made a mistake. Hopefully, things will go much smoother with the whole mediation process from here forward!
You told him you were making the appointment, you made the appointment. You were both sent letters confirming the appointment.
The firm needed to change the appointment and tried to call both of you. They did not leave a voice mail for you, but they did leave a voice mail for him.
They should have also left a message for you, I agree. I'm sorry you had to be treated to his bluster and blow because of it.
I don't think this necessarily means the firm is incompetent, they just made a mistake. Hopefully, things will go much smoother with the whole mediation process from here forward!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Yes Seren that's exactly how I feel about it today too.
They were unaware he was away and didn't have the letter...lol...
It's just one of those things! I have already moved on...thanks guys
They were unaware he was away and didn't have the letter...lol...
It's just one of those things! I have already moved on...thanks guys
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Just an FYI - my first career was in mediation.
If we had to cancel an appointment we were required to contact both parties. The nature of the job indicates one can not depend on calling one party, and expect them to inform the other party of cancellation (as many times the parties are not communicating!). That they called him is not unusual at all. Standard protocol. That they did not leave a message for you is not what should have been done. They should not rely on one party to inform the other of a cancellation.
Good luck and hope you are able to reschedule soon.
If we had to cancel an appointment we were required to contact both parties. The nature of the job indicates one can not depend on calling one party, and expect them to inform the other party of cancellation (as many times the parties are not communicating!). That they called him is not unusual at all. Standard protocol. That they did not leave a message for you is not what should have been done. They should not rely on one party to inform the other of a cancellation.
Good luck and hope you are able to reschedule soon.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
It looks like they did try to call the OP.
Late husband was a computer programmer. Our computer would occasionally freeze or do something weird that required a re-boot. I asked once, why does it do that? He said, (and this was a computer programmer) "I don't know. So many things have to work perfectly for it to function you should just marvel every time it does."
Expecting technology to work perfectly every time may be setting one self up for disappointment. If a call is really important, I give a second number. It's why I still have a land line. I work in the middle of the first floor of a multi-story building. Cell calls come through about 50% of the time.
Late husband was a computer programmer. Our computer would occasionally freeze or do something weird that required a re-boot. I asked once, why does it do that? He said, (and this was a computer programmer) "I don't know. So many things have to work perfectly for it to function you should just marvel every time it does."
Expecting technology to work perfectly every time may be setting one self up for disappointment. If a call is really important, I give a second number. It's why I still have a land line. I work in the middle of the first floor of a multi-story building. Cell calls come through about 50% of the time.
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