NerdyNormie

I have been with my boyfriend for a few months (known him for years) and he's actively working on his recovery. He is participating in AA and is currently working on his step work. It's coming to the point where he is getting in touch with people from his past. He tells me everything about what he's said and done but it's hard for me to hear about how he's planning on making amends to ex girlfriends. I knew it was coming but I figured it would be a little further down the road since he was still working on memorizing his Step 3 prayer so recently.

How did others process their significant others getting in touch with their exes? And what kinds of changes did you see in your significant others? I know it's an important step for him to get the weight of the past off his shoulders but how have the "other-halves" dealt with them getting on good terms with their exes?

honeypig

Hi, NN--welcome to SR. I can't answer your question directly, but I can offer a suggestion that might help with this problem as well as others that will be coming down the pike: Leave his recovery to him. It will not be productive for either of you for you to be overly involved. This might sound harsh, but it is meant in the kindest way, so please don't take offense. You are new in this relationship, and he is new in his recovery.

I'd encourage you to read around the forum as much as you can, and make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. There is a lot of experience, strength and hope here. I'm not sure how much you know about alcoholism, but this is a good spot to start educating yourself. You also might find Alanon to be a good resource for both info and support for yourself.

I hope you keep coming back to read and post. No matter how things go w/your BF, you'll have done some growing and learning for yourself, and that's never a waste of time.

honeypig

I re-read this post, NN, and this portion raises some questions for me. You might want to think about these:

1) You are concerned about him getting in touch w/his X's. Why? Do you fear things between you are so fragile that him having contact w/a previous partner will end your own relationship w/him? I'm hearing a touch of control here, and I think this may be a warning of future problems.

2) You are concerned about dealing w/your BF "getting on good terms" w/his X's. Again, do you feel your relationship can only continue if he has bad feelings about his X's?

As I understand it, one of the cornerstones of AA is getting rid of resentments and coming to terms w/life on life's terms. This can't happen if anger, guilt, fear, etc., are being harbored. The "making amends" (again, as I understand it) is not necessarily about renewing old relationships (and in some cases, the people the A needs to make amends to will refuse to have any contact w/the A). It is about coming clean and making things right, to the extent that it is possible. It is about the A's spiritual growth.

Does that help at all as far as understanding what he is doing and why, and also why YOU are not really a part of it, or at least shouldn't be? This is about HIS growth, HIS relationship to his HP, HIS recovery. Hopefully it's a little clearer now why I suggested for you to work on yourself--if you're like me, you'll find plenty to do right at home! The healthier you get, the clearer you'll be about what to do in any given situation.

iGirl66

From the other side of the fence, I am that ex who has been put through the wringer and would love an explanation or apology. I was with my ex for about 2 years. Went through hell, did everything I could to help including getting him into reha, then I was dumped for a girl he met while in there and have been cut off without a word.

You, like his new girl, gets to know the sober guy(not that it's going to garuntee a walk in the park). We ex's of the active addict got desimated by the insanity. It's been 8 months and though I've made great strides, some days it still hurts. Some of those girls may not want to hear it, some may desperately need to hear it for their own healing. He probably won't go back to an old girl because most recovering addicts desperately want to forget the past. No matter how sweet and kind the girl was, she reminds him of his crazy days. He wants to start clean with someone he doesn't have bad history with. Either way, it's not about you and if he were going to rekindle with an old flame, you couldn't stop it anyway.

Dealing with addicts in recovery or active takes a certain bit of self cofindence and fortitude that your post lets me know you need to work on. Read, read, read all that you can here. If you want this relationship to work for both of you, you need to educate yourself as much as possible on the program he's chosen, his condition, how to spot possible relapses, setting boundaries and everything else that comes with dating a recovering addict. And of course, your own issues. Good luck.

redatlanta

Can you clarify what your concerns are?

Amends can be made in a number of ways - phone, letter, email etc. Amends is not the equivalent of getting on "good terms" I would translate "good terms" to mean they they actively were talking again. Nothing wrong with that, but an amends is an apology, and nothing more. How the other party deals with it is up to them too. trust many an amend has been made, and it didn't stimulate a loving reunion.

I'd stay out of it. His Recovery is his, how he goes about it is his business. If your relationship is good there shouldn't be an issue on your end.

honeypig

For more clarification on what amends are, there is this:
Making amends is more than an apology -- Hazelden

And this is an interesting read about how amends can be so much different than expected or imagined:
Making Amends Was Everything I Least Expected | The Fix - Page 0

OK, sorry for the diversion, but I hope both links are useful to anyone reading here. Back to the OP and her questions.