Anxiety, updates, and Faith
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Anxiety, updates, and Faith
Many of us come here with "the love of our lives" or "soulmate" idea. I know I did. Deep down, I still feel that way. But since love is a choice, I get to choose if I am willing to stay or not, and well, so does my xabf.. .whether that is i sobriety or in drinking his life away.
Update.... Recently, he started working sobriety and is somewhere around day 35...? woot!! So proud of him! In an AA meeting he was prompted to right some wrongs or come to admit some truths, and he ended up telling his higher command some things that got him into trouble (he is military and currently on deployment). Well..... I got all worried for him but learned to let it go, though I did give him positive support in an email. Turns out, they are going to knock him down a rank which means he will be phased out of the military in less than a year.
WOW!!!!
Idk.... military is just another job I suppose, even though I had never really seen it that way because in my view it is so honorable and has amazing benefits, and now? ALL gone. He can't have contact with anyone for a looooong time right now, and so all I was able to spit out to him was some "I'm sorry... you must be going through a lot right now..."
And, I managed to keep my cool.
For like a day.
Then, in full codie fashion, the truth set in. He royally screwed up!
All day on Wednesday I couldn't figure out why I had so much anxiety. I haven't dealt with that feeling in years!! I already know that anxiety is the body's response to unresolved stress, however.
I tried working out. The anxiety just came back afterwards. I tried reading. Couldn't keep my mind focused. I tried watering the yard. I live near a beach and so the mornings are just absolutely gorgeous! and watering the lawn is really peaceful for me. But dangit! The anxiety just would not go away!!!
So I vaguely remembered reading something somewhere about codependency and it was something about learning to just sit with our emotions. To let them come. So I did. Soooo uncomfortable!!! Finally, later that day I was beginning to be able to listen to my inner dialogue and figure out where the anxiety was coming from and just allow those thoughts and fears and worries to come.
I am worried that he will not move back to our town and instead that he will move 3 hours away with his parents. (he said this is a possibility) His parents with whom his step dad used to beat him and is an alcoholic (but has managed to cut waaaay back over the years), his loving mother (truly) that pops pills and constantly OD's on them, and his brother who is also an alcoholic. I am worried that at that distance, I will never know if he truly working sobriety, and how could he in that environment?!?!
Cool... Now that I found out what is bothering me, I can actually deal with it! It's none of my business what he chooses to do. He is a grown man. I realized that my motives to want him to stay out here are fully selfish. I realized that I am totally undermining him in thinking that he is doomed to fail. I realized that NONE of it is in my control (yay for that realization! The old me would have gotten him and I a place so that he didn't have to move out there.) I learned to LET GO! He can do what he wants. I wrote him another email and simply stated my concerns but that I was behind him 100% if he chose to move away, and that I fully understand that he needs to just focus on him right now... that it is OKAY if he lets us go.
Faith.... Step two, and I am reading this particular step book that is based in Buddhism and it is awesome! And just today I was reading about how addicts (which would include us) tend not to be able to let things go. We are somehow convinced in our insanity that holding on tighter will get us back to that one brief moment of "happiness" that we had, but the truth is that nothing in this life is static... it just keeps on moving and changing. I am also reminded of something else I have learned along the way: our character in life is made by how gracefully we let go... And letting go is a process of faith. It means that we trust in our HP. It means that we trust ourselves. All the mess in my life is because of the men I chose to place in my life, and if only I could have just let go, they would not have affected me so intensely. I lacked faith that I would ever love again. I lacked faith that I could life alone. And that lack has landed me in exactly the spot I was trying to stave off.... alone, and not in love. Insanity indeed!
Just a few thoughts for ya'all. Thanx for reading!
Update.... Recently, he started working sobriety and is somewhere around day 35...? woot!! So proud of him! In an AA meeting he was prompted to right some wrongs or come to admit some truths, and he ended up telling his higher command some things that got him into trouble (he is military and currently on deployment). Well..... I got all worried for him but learned to let it go, though I did give him positive support in an email. Turns out, they are going to knock him down a rank which means he will be phased out of the military in less than a year.
WOW!!!!
Idk.... military is just another job I suppose, even though I had never really seen it that way because in my view it is so honorable and has amazing benefits, and now? ALL gone. He can't have contact with anyone for a looooong time right now, and so all I was able to spit out to him was some "I'm sorry... you must be going through a lot right now..."
And, I managed to keep my cool.
For like a day.
Then, in full codie fashion, the truth set in. He royally screwed up!
All day on Wednesday I couldn't figure out why I had so much anxiety. I haven't dealt with that feeling in years!! I already know that anxiety is the body's response to unresolved stress, however.
I tried working out. The anxiety just came back afterwards. I tried reading. Couldn't keep my mind focused. I tried watering the yard. I live near a beach and so the mornings are just absolutely gorgeous! and watering the lawn is really peaceful for me. But dangit! The anxiety just would not go away!!!
So I vaguely remembered reading something somewhere about codependency and it was something about learning to just sit with our emotions. To let them come. So I did. Soooo uncomfortable!!! Finally, later that day I was beginning to be able to listen to my inner dialogue and figure out where the anxiety was coming from and just allow those thoughts and fears and worries to come.
I am worried that he will not move back to our town and instead that he will move 3 hours away with his parents. (he said this is a possibility) His parents with whom his step dad used to beat him and is an alcoholic (but has managed to cut waaaay back over the years), his loving mother (truly) that pops pills and constantly OD's on them, and his brother who is also an alcoholic. I am worried that at that distance, I will never know if he truly working sobriety, and how could he in that environment?!?!
Cool... Now that I found out what is bothering me, I can actually deal with it! It's none of my business what he chooses to do. He is a grown man. I realized that my motives to want him to stay out here are fully selfish. I realized that I am totally undermining him in thinking that he is doomed to fail. I realized that NONE of it is in my control (yay for that realization! The old me would have gotten him and I a place so that he didn't have to move out there.) I learned to LET GO! He can do what he wants. I wrote him another email and simply stated my concerns but that I was behind him 100% if he chose to move away, and that I fully understand that he needs to just focus on him right now... that it is OKAY if he lets us go.
Faith.... Step two, and I am reading this particular step book that is based in Buddhism and it is awesome! And just today I was reading about how addicts (which would include us) tend not to be able to let things go. We are somehow convinced in our insanity that holding on tighter will get us back to that one brief moment of "happiness" that we had, but the truth is that nothing in this life is static... it just keeps on moving and changing. I am also reminded of something else I have learned along the way: our character in life is made by how gracefully we let go... And letting go is a process of faith. It means that we trust in our HP. It means that we trust ourselves. All the mess in my life is because of the men I chose to place in my life, and if only I could have just let go, they would not have affected me so intensely. I lacked faith that I would ever love again. I lacked faith that I could life alone. And that lack has landed me in exactly the spot I was trying to stave off.... alone, and not in love. Insanity indeed!
Just a few thoughts for ya'all. Thanx for reading!
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Yes, would love to know the name of that book, sounds like something I would be interested in and helpful as well! Also love what you said about sitting in the discomfort and anxiety and getting at the inner dialogue and then letting go... I need to do that more and you gave me inspiration for this coming weekend, thank you!
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You sound great! I am Catholic, but have great respect for Buddhism. I've read a great deal and found that much of it is very compatible to my own faith. However, as I understand it. Buddhism isn't about trust as much as acceptance. We acceptance impermanence of ourselves and all around us as a fact. We accept that life is suffering and that , as you state, suffering comes from un met desire.
Buddhist are the original "detaches".
Since humans are communal by nature, I've never liked the term co dependent. It seem to get used waaaaaay too much. Not everyone who loves addicts and sticks around to support is codependent. Not everyone who deeply misses a loved one or wants to make the marriage work or needs closure is either. We are human, we bond and breaking bonds is painful. The only people who can walk away from long term relationships and not care are the narcissist, sociopaths, addicts and sadist. It's ok to be concerned about the fate of someone you loved. Of course if it causes problems, then yeah, no Bueno. But in general I think it means you have a heart.
I prefer maldependant. We all have needs, but we are bad at knowing just what they are and how to get them met, but having needs is not in and of itself a pathology. Your inner conversations are helping you sort it all out and you are accepting the answers you're getting! That's huge! Good luck on the continued path!
Buddhist are the original "detaches".
Since humans are communal by nature, I've never liked the term co dependent. It seem to get used waaaaaay too much. Not everyone who loves addicts and sticks around to support is codependent. Not everyone who deeply misses a loved one or wants to make the marriage work or needs closure is either. We are human, we bond and breaking bonds is painful. The only people who can walk away from long term relationships and not care are the narcissist, sociopaths, addicts and sadist. It's ok to be concerned about the fate of someone you loved. Of course if it causes problems, then yeah, no Bueno. But in general I think it means you have a heart.
I prefer maldependant. We all have needs, but we are bad at knowing just what they are and how to get them met, but having needs is not in and of itself a pathology. Your inner conversations are helping you sort it all out and you are accepting the answers you're getting! That's huge! Good luck on the continued path!
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Originally Posted by iGirl66 
Since humans are communal by nature, I've never liked the term co dependent. It seem to get used waaaaaay too much. Not everyone who loves addicts and sticks around to support is codependent. Not everyone who deeply misses a loved one or wants to make the marriage work or needs closure is either. We are human, we bond and breaking bonds is painful. The only people who can walk away from long term relationships and not care are the narcissist, sociopaths, addicts and sadist. It's ok to be concerned about the fate of someone you loved. Of course if it causes problems, then yeah, no Bueno. But in general I think it means you have a heart.
I prefer maldependant. We all have needs, but we are bad at knowing just what they are and how to get them met, but having needs is not in and of itself a pathology. Your inner conversations are helping you sort it all out and you are accepting the answers you're getting! That's huge! Good luck on the continued path!
I prefer maldependant. We all have needs, but we are bad at knowing just what they are and how to get them met, but having needs is not in and of itself a pathology. Your inner conversations are helping you sort it all out and you are accepting the answers you're getting! That's huge! Good luck on the continued path!
I've only been on this forum for a couple days. It amazes me how many of us try to hold on, even when there is nothing left. What I'm thinking about after reading this thread is, "Why would I want to be in a relationship that isn't symbiotic? A relationship with an addict will always have the addiction hanging over it. It changes the dynamics of the relationship and why would I want to try to keep that in my life?"
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Originally Posted by Seaker40
I read an article once about how the term co-dependence is being used out of context. In a good, working relationship, each partner relies on the other. They become dependent on each other. There is a symbiotic relationship. That's what makes it healthy and work. The problem is when one of the partners is an addict. Co-dependence in the context of living with an addict makes the relationship one sided and harmful. It's not symbiotic when addiction is involved.
I've only been on this forum for a couple days. It amazes me how many of us try to hold on, even when there is nothing left. What I'm thinking about after reading this thread is, "Why would I want to be in a relationship that isn't symbiotic? A relationship with an addict will always have the addiction hanging over it. It changes the dynamics of the relationship and why would I want to try to keep that in my life?"
I've only been on this forum for a couple days. It amazes me how many of us try to hold on, even when there is nothing left. What I'm thinking about after reading this thread is, "Why would I want to be in a relationship that isn't symbiotic? A relationship with an addict will always have the addiction hanging over it. It changes the dynamics of the relationship and why would I want to try to keep that in my life?"
All the hope in the world for him to change or grow up or basically become a different person doesn't change who he is today. Why fret over someone incapable of giving me what I need?
I wouldn't ask my dog to be a cat...why am I wishing and hoping this hurt, broken soul will be something he isn't?
Posting here and reading the other stories really does help put things into perspective. At first I was afraid it would make me feel worse because it takes me back to the "ugh" of it all. But instead, I think it's freeing. It helps me deal with reality. When I have to type it out, the relationship sounds so toxically unhealthy, alcoholism or not.
Thanks for the reminder, LemonGirl to LET IT GO! What a relief to simply be in the moment.
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Wow some great insight here on this thread! Especially learned that a relationship with an addict is not a symbiotic one and who would want one that isn't? It's just not a healthy relationship any way you look at it.
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Originally Posted by abitconfused
Hi,
What is the name of the book you are reading?
What is the name of the book you are reading?
But the 12 step one I am reading is called "One Breath at a Time" --- Buddhism and the Twelve Steps" by Kevin Griffin...
Hope that helps!
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Originally Posted by iGirl66
Since humans are communal by nature, I've never liked the term co dependent. It seem to get used waaaaaay too much. Not everyone who loves addicts and sticks around to support is codependent. Not everyone who deeply misses a loved one or wants to make the marriage work or needs closure is either. We are human, we bond and breaking bonds is painful. The only people who can walk away from long term relationships and not care are the narcissist, sociopaths, addicts and sadist. It's ok to be concerned about the fate of someone you loved. Of course if it causes problems, then yeah, no Bueno. But in general I think it means you have a heart.
I prefer maldependant. We all have needs, but we are bad at knowing just what they are and how to get them met, but having needs is not in and of itself a pathology. Your inner conversations are helping you sort it all out and you are accepting the answers you're getting! That's huge! Good luck on the continued path!
I'll take maldependent! Lol... I have taken those "codependent tests" and actually score pretty low. What keeps me under this term, however, is that my life is riddled with these types of relationships. I do not have low self esteem. I am pretty independent. I actually take care of myself really well. But I do struggle with being a bit of a chameleon, with being overly nurturing and thus stunting the growth of others (and that is a form of control I have now learned), with taking on others' problems as my own, with taking things personally, and with not being able to let go of toxic relationships because of nonsensical guilt and feeling falsely obligated to people. So....
Yet, I agree with you about us still being human and wanting to help others. That giving in a relationship IS normal, and that everyone has issues, and as a partner we should absolutely have tolerance and understanding, even with the disease of alcoholism.
But there is no sense in losing ourselves in that process and allowing the scale to tip too much and become one sided. There is a tricky line to draw there and is unique to each of us. My xabf was never abusive and so when I broke up with him, I felt no need to go NC. and that is just my personal boundary. And I think that is the real core of what constitutes anyone of being codependent.... in finding out who we are exactly and learning to define boundaries as if we are actually worth something great, and that we cannot change someone into realizing his/her own worth by dumbing ourselves down. At least, that happens to be a part of my journey here. =)
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Originally Posted by bubbleguppies
I
All the hope in the world for him to change or grow up or basically become a different person doesn't change who he is today. Why fret over someone incapable of giving me what I need?
I wouldn't ask my dog to be a cat...why am I wishing and hoping this hurt, broken soul will be something he isn't?
Posting here and reading the other stories really does help put things into perspective. At first I was afraid it would make me feel worse because it takes me back to the "ugh" of it all. But instead, I think it's freeing. It helps me deal with reality. When I have to type it out, the relationship sounds so toxically unhealthy, alcoholism or not.
Thanks for the reminder, LemonGirl to LET IT GO! What a relief to simply be in the moment.
All the hope in the world for him to change or grow up or basically become a different person doesn't change who he is today. Why fret over someone incapable of giving me what I need?
I wouldn't ask my dog to be a cat...why am I wishing and hoping this hurt, broken soul will be something he isn't?
Posting here and reading the other stories really does help put things into perspective. At first I was afraid it would make me feel worse because it takes me back to the "ugh" of it all. But instead, I think it's freeing. It helps me deal with reality. When I have to type it out, the relationship sounds so toxically unhealthy, alcoholism or not.
Thanks for the reminder, LemonGirl to LET IT GO! What a relief to simply be in the moment.
Oh Frozen!!! Hahaha!!!
It IS weird that when we type it out and allow others to mirror to us what we are saying how differently it all looks. I can tell you that abuse or no abuse, an alcoholic is just plain difficult to deal with! My xabf said some awry things while drunk but never got abusive in any sense. BUT, I did after some time realize that he was in fact driving us around after he had way too much to drink. That in and of itself is a HUGE deal breaker! I also realized that he is more insecure as a person that I originally thought because, well... when he was drinking he was super outgoing, which is what drew me in because it is a trait that I like in a partner and need since I am outgoing and social. Poor thing... looking at the psychology of his drinking behavior, he is actually quite shy. I think he actually used alcohol to deal with that.
My mother, on the other hand, is a respected, smart, caring, and strong woman. Get her drinking, and she goes a little overboard with her opinions. She doesn't name call or anything, but she gets really passive-aggressive and plays guilt trips, and can act like a stubborn bull with her massive opinions where everyone else in the room is wrong.
It is just not a healthy give and take relationship, no matter what "type" of alcoholic he/she is. Gosh..... some alcoholics don't even engage with their families when they are going at it. For them, it's all about digressing into a lonely room all by themselves and cutting out the whole world, including their family. Just not healthy no matter how it's played out.
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You sound good! Glad you're enjoying One Breath--It was a book that helped me a whole lot when I was newly sober. It's also one I recommend to people who think they can't do AA or Al-Anon because they are atheists/agnostics. Kevin Griffin is an atheist (Buddhism is an atheistic religion), and he does an excellent job of putting the Steps in that context. You sound good! Glad you're enjoying One Breath--It was a book that helped me a whole lot when I was newly sober. It's also one I recommend to people who think they can't do AA or Al-Anon because they are atheists/agnostics. Kevin Griffin is an atheist (Buddhism is an atheistic religion), and he does an excellent job of putting the Steps in that context.
I got to meet Kevin at one of our local meditation centers, and he is a cool guy. He also has an album out now (which I supported on Kickstarter) called "Laughing Buddha." Here's a clip of the title song. got to meet Kevin at one of our local meditation centers, and he is a cool guy. He also has an album out now (which I supported on Kickstarter) called "Laughing Buddha." Here's a clip of the title song.
I got to meet Kevin at one of our local meditation centers, and he is a cool guy. He also has an album out now (which I supported on Kickstarter) called "Laughing Buddha." Here's a clip of the title song. got to meet Kevin at one of our local meditation centers, and he is a cool guy. He also has an album out now (which I supported on Kickstarter) called "Laughing Buddha." Here's a clip of the title song.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
You sound good! Glad you're enjoying One Breath--It was a book that helped me a whole lot when I was newly sober. It's also one I recommend to people who think they can't do AA or Al-Anon because they are atheists/agnostics. Kevin Griffin is an atheist (Buddhism is an atheistic religion), and he does an excellent job of putting the Steps in that context. You sound good! Glad you're enjoying One Breath--It was a book that helped me a whole lot when I was newly sober. It's also one I recommend to people who think they can't do AA or Al-Anon because they are atheists/agnostics. Kevin Griffin is an atheist (Buddhism is an atheistic religion), and he does an excellent job of putting the Steps in that context.
I got to meet Kevin at one of our local meditation centers, and he is a cool guy. He also has an album out now (which I supported on Kickstarter) called "Laughing Buddha." Here's a clip of the title song. got to meet Kevin at one of our local meditation centers, and he is a cool guy. He also has an album out now (which I supported on Kickstarter) called "Laughing Buddha." Here's a clip of the title song.
I got to meet Kevin at one of our local meditation centers, and he is a cool guy. He also has an album out now (which I supported on Kickstarter) called "Laughing Buddha." Here's a clip of the title song. got to meet Kevin at one of our local meditation centers, and he is a cool guy. He also has an album out now (which I supported on Kickstarter) called "Laughing Buddha." Here's a clip of the title song.
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Just wanted to say that he called me yesterday; I haven't spoken to him on the phone for almost two months (as a part of my choice to lessen contact, plus, now he is on restriction due to his drinking behavior). Guess Sundays are their "less" restriction days. And he sounded great! He is using what has happened and already making plans to turn it all into something positive. It was a really happy conversation.
Now, I am not one to hold too much water with just words (years of men failing have "proven" that to me... yikes!), but it made me glad to know he is still on the right path. Time will tell what he does. I think I'll go dance to the Laughing Buddha and enjoy my day! Lol... Cheers everyone!
Now, I am not one to hold too much water with just words (years of men failing have "proven" that to me... yikes!), but it made me glad to know he is still on the right path. Time will tell what he does. I think I'll go dance to the Laughing Buddha and enjoy my day! Lol... Cheers everyone!
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LOL, I just realized I somehow double-posted in a single post. Probably because I was trying to put in the link to the video. Incidentally, he has another book, too, "A Burning Desire"--sort of a followup to the first one.
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