Relapse After 2 Years
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 1
Relapse After 2 Years
My boyfriend and I have been together for six years, were friends for two years before that. We have a five year old son together.
His drinking started when he was living with his mother before I found out I was pregnant. When we found out we moved into our own place. The drinking wasn't as bad at first but it got to be every day. He would drink all day if he was home from work and was a very violent drunk (mentally and physically sometimes). After our son was born it didn't stop. For four years I put up with his nastiness. He withdrew from our family and friends. I found myself lying to cover up the things he did.
Two and a half years ago he got very violent with me after relapsing when he came home from detox. I called the cops and he was no longer allowed around me or my son. That was when he got sober. He said he realized that he didn't want to lose us and would do anything to keep his family together. He moved back in after four months of sobriety and was also on antidepressants. He was finally the man I knew before the alcohol. But just last year he stopped taking the medicine and started sleeping a lot. He slept and worked and I raised our son.
Two weeks ago he lost his job and got another job that he hates a week later. That was when I started noticing he was different. Too happy. Active. Actually wanted to interact with our son and be loving with us, but would get very argumentative and opinionated. I knew something was wrong and spoke to my brother about it. I hadn't found or smelt the alcohol but I knew something wasn't right.
Yesterday I saw the change happen again, and this time I smelled the liquor and found six bottles of Vodka stashed away. At night he started getting angry, screaming and yelling. He broke dishes and cussed me out. I had to send my son over to a neighbors house. He was scaring me. Was emotionally abusive. He would cry and tell me how sorry he was and then turn around and blame me. He ended up throwing up and passing out.
When he wakes up I don't know how to act, how to respond. I feel so lost and alone. The brake lines on my car went yesterday which makes me feel trapped. My hands are so tied up with money problems, car problems, and taking care of my son and three other children I babysit. I don't want to make him feel like I don't care because I do. My heart is broken because of this, I just don't know where to go from here.
His drinking started when he was living with his mother before I found out I was pregnant. When we found out we moved into our own place. The drinking wasn't as bad at first but it got to be every day. He would drink all day if he was home from work and was a very violent drunk (mentally and physically sometimes). After our son was born it didn't stop. For four years I put up with his nastiness. He withdrew from our family and friends. I found myself lying to cover up the things he did.
Two and a half years ago he got very violent with me after relapsing when he came home from detox. I called the cops and he was no longer allowed around me or my son. That was when he got sober. He said he realized that he didn't want to lose us and would do anything to keep his family together. He moved back in after four months of sobriety and was also on antidepressants. He was finally the man I knew before the alcohol. But just last year he stopped taking the medicine and started sleeping a lot. He slept and worked and I raised our son.
Two weeks ago he lost his job and got another job that he hates a week later. That was when I started noticing he was different. Too happy. Active. Actually wanted to interact with our son and be loving with us, but would get very argumentative and opinionated. I knew something was wrong and spoke to my brother about it. I hadn't found or smelt the alcohol but I knew something wasn't right.
Yesterday I saw the change happen again, and this time I smelled the liquor and found six bottles of Vodka stashed away. At night he started getting angry, screaming and yelling. He broke dishes and cussed me out. I had to send my son over to a neighbors house. He was scaring me. Was emotionally abusive. He would cry and tell me how sorry he was and then turn around and blame me. He ended up throwing up and passing out.
When he wakes up I don't know how to act, how to respond. I feel so lost and alone. The brake lines on my car went yesterday which makes me feel trapped. My hands are so tied up with money problems, car problems, and taking care of my son and three other children I babysit. I don't want to make him feel like I don't care because I do. My heart is broken because of this, I just don't know where to go from here.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
You need to contact your local domestic violence hotline. Right now. The violence has nothing to do with the alcoholism. They are two separate issues. Your little boy should not be living in that situation. The children you care for are also at risk. If your boyfriend ever comes home drunk while they are there it could be disastrous. Please get yourself help now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, Flyaway. You've come to the right place for education and support. Everybody here "gets it."
The first thing I will say is to look into a local domestic violence center. You are living in a dangerous situation, and so is your child. There are many here who can give you better advice on this topic than I can, so I'll let them do it. Please take their words to heart--these folks know what they're talking about.
Second, I hope you can take the time to read around in the forums. I think you'll find some stories here that will resonate w/you, and perhaps you'll feel a little less alone. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page--there is a lot of good, useful info there.
One thing I missed in your post was any mention of what you'd done for your own recovery. A lot of us here, myself included, have figured that if only our A would stop drinking, all would be well. Unfortunately, a lot of us here have learned that it's not nearly that simple. It's great that you're here at SR, and I'd like to suggest that you look into Alanon also (or some like Celebrate Recovery). Living with an A will make you just as sick as he is.
Again, welcome to SR, and please make sure you have a plan in place to keep yourself and your child safe.
ETA: Happybeingme has a valid point--there are other people's children at risk here too!
The first thing I will say is to look into a local domestic violence center. You are living in a dangerous situation, and so is your child. There are many here who can give you better advice on this topic than I can, so I'll let them do it. Please take their words to heart--these folks know what they're talking about.
Second, I hope you can take the time to read around in the forums. I think you'll find some stories here that will resonate w/you, and perhaps you'll feel a little less alone. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page--there is a lot of good, useful info there.
One thing I missed in your post was any mention of what you'd done for your own recovery. A lot of us here, myself included, have figured that if only our A would stop drinking, all would be well. Unfortunately, a lot of us here have learned that it's not nearly that simple. It's great that you're here at SR, and I'd like to suggest that you look into Alanon also (or some like Celebrate Recovery). Living with an A will make you just as sick as he is.
Again, welcome to SR, and please make sure you have a plan in place to keep yourself and your child safe.
ETA: Happybeingme has a valid point--there are other people's children at risk here too!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
FlyAway, ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
Please contact the Domestic abuse Hotline. (1-800-799-SAFE), or you might be able to go online and get the number for your local DV. You can just talk to them and they can help you with options that you have. You do not have to give your name or telephone number.
It is sounding like your AH has a temper that get out of control at times. I know that I had called my local DV before I needed them, and I was glad that I did, because I guess if I didn't, I would have been reluctant to go there the night my ex tried to choke me.
I'm sorry that your and your son is going through this. Just know that you don't have to.
I also wanted to say that I was embarrassed about this, and I started to isolate myself. I didn't have anyone to call or anyone to talk to. I was always hiding the abuse. Just always remember that you have this place, and also DV. The night I called them, it was 1:00 am. They talked to me for over an hour. I just couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted to talk to someone who wasn't trying to argue with me and belittle me every time I opened my mouth. I asked them, but what if someone who really needs your help calls. They told me, they had another person there to take additional phone calls and not to worry about it, that to him I was the most important person right then. That really started my tears flowing and he was OK with that also.
I felt such a relief after talking to him. Somebody thought I was worth something !!!!!
Just please keep in touch here, we really do care, and welcome to the family.
((((((((hugs)))))))
amy
Please contact the Domestic abuse Hotline. (1-800-799-SAFE), or you might be able to go online and get the number for your local DV. You can just talk to them and they can help you with options that you have. You do not have to give your name or telephone number.
It is sounding like your AH has a temper that get out of control at times. I know that I had called my local DV before I needed them, and I was glad that I did, because I guess if I didn't, I would have been reluctant to go there the night my ex tried to choke me.
I'm sorry that your and your son is going through this. Just know that you don't have to.
I also wanted to say that I was embarrassed about this, and I started to isolate myself. I didn't have anyone to call or anyone to talk to. I was always hiding the abuse. Just always remember that you have this place, and also DV. The night I called them, it was 1:00 am. They talked to me for over an hour. I just couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted to talk to someone who wasn't trying to argue with me and belittle me every time I opened my mouth. I asked them, but what if someone who really needs your help calls. They told me, they had another person there to take additional phone calls and not to worry about it, that to him I was the most important person right then. That really started my tears flowing and he was OK with that also.
I felt such a relief after talking to him. Somebody thought I was worth something !!!!!
Just please keep in touch here, we really do care, and welcome to the family.
((((((((hugs)))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
The thing that made the most impact on me was that if my children stayed in that environment with my abusive alcoholic husband they would think that was normal and my son would likely grow up and abuse his girlfriends and wife and my daughters would likely be victims of abuse. Alcoholism is completely separate from abuse. The alcohol doesn't cause him to be abusive. And if he stops drinking he will still be abusive. If you are worried about financial matters, there are organizations set up that help people with all of the financial issues. I had to get a protective order from abuse against my husband and the domestic violence court advocate gave me information and phone numbers for people that would help me. If you call your DV hotline, they can give you contacts of people that will help you find a better job, they can help with rent and with utilities. The resources available are extensive. There are shelters that will take you and your son and help you find a temporary place to live until you are able to financially take care of yourself and your son. The first step is the call the DV hotline. Do not feel badly for your boyfriend! He didn't feel badly for you or your son while he was being abusive. You have to put your son first right now. Please take care of yourself and know we are all here for you and will always give you the support and encouragement we can.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'll echo the others and suggest you call your local shelter or the DV hotline. You have not only yourself and your own child to think about, but the safety of the children entrusted to your care. I wouldn't want to send my child to a caregiver whose live-in partner was abusive. An abusive drunk is unpredictable. If he keeps drinking, he will lose this job, too, and then you will REALLY feel trapped. There's always a way out, but you will have to seek it out.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
So sorry to hear of your situation hun...
I only have a question for you... You say you don't want him to think you don't care, because we do.
Has he allowed you to care or is he wasting whatever effort you are able to give?
Please take care of yourself and your little ones...
I only have a question for you... You say you don't want him to think you don't care, because we do.
Has he allowed you to care or is he wasting whatever effort you are able to give?
Please take care of yourself and your little ones...
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