Musings
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 444
Musings
Good morning all,
Today is Day 9 and I have been so grateful for the past 9 days.
This might be lengthy and disjointed but I have been giving a lot of thought to my situation, how I got to such a bad place, why I quit etc...
I have trolled this site, daily, for several years without joining because I wasn't ready to quit drinking. While I drunkenly read posts I believe that your experiences slowly instructed me and built a foundation for this past week's decision.
This attempt is my first legitimate "go" other than the thousands of mornings with weak promises followed by drinking 8 hours later. I didn't miss a day of 10 drinks or way more for 17 years. This is shocking and impossible for me to believe, in retrospect,...but true.
Why now? I feel like "that fool" when I think of writing this post because "who has advice to offer at Day 9" that isn't suspect. Why am I not just full of hubris and arrogance? What value could my post offer when there is so much sage advice from seasoned veterans here? One of my first posts was pulled because it offered my experience with "tapering" (medical advice violation) and I realize that I still don't totally understand what is acceptable/not acceptable with respect to violating some primary rule in recovery.
I am writing this post simply because over the years random posts really helped me and they often hinged around personal insights that the writers had developed during their experiences. There is nothing brilliant here (spoiler alert) ... just my process lately.
So, humbly, here is what has been on my mind the past 9 days.
Life until 30....large chaotic but close family, advanced college degree, college athlete, world traveler, business owner, purist, virtually no alcohol or desire to overindulge.
Life after 30...wife, kids, larger business, zero exercise or alone time, and rapid escalation into alcoholic behavior which continued unabated until now, 47 years old.
Why???
When I married I knew in my core that it was a life-long commitment and I took the vows seriously. Being true in my marriage was an absolute requirement.
When I started a business I knew I would always be honest with my clients/employees, cheat nobody, and that I would create work with meaning.
When a friend or family member needed someone, I would be there.
Why did I do well at these things? I am realizing more and more that I did well at those things because they were/are non-negotiable. I made a commitment to my wife, my kids, my friends, my family, my employees/clients and I didn't ever consider reneging on those commitments.
Unfortunately I didn't make that same commitment to take care of myself. This is what the past days are teaching me. And because I didn't make that commitment to myself the standard to uphold just fell away.
My father is an alcoholic who is a strong presence in my life but he wasn't easy to grow up around. Lots of beatings, insults, anger in our household followed by apologies and heading off to sports with him as our coach. Night/Day experiences with him.
When I quit drinking I also started reading about children of alcoholics and learned that there is one possible outcome that involves the child becoming "bullet-proof" in their outward appearance, "savior mentality" etc... I went that route I am afraid. My two sisters went in different directions. In some ways I think that their struggles in life have been more honest because they have been more open and raw. Mine have apparently been internalized. Golden Boy turned secret drunk!
I'm not sure why I decided to stop last week rather than two weeks from now or 6 years ago but I am so glad I did. In sobriety I realize that all those firm commitments to others were being met in theory but only marginally. I just haven't been myself but didn't realize the extent of it. My wife has helped me gain a little clarity, kindly but brutally, in our conversations of late
She knew I was hurting but for some reason had faith I would work it out. Now that I'm clean and coming clean with her the gloves are off!
I talked with my kids and told them that I had decided to give up alcohol. I expected them to "not have noticed" but they too, cautiously have opened up and shared with me. Thank God I was always kind to them and don't have that to repair. It is amazing how insightful they have been. They were initially caring and supportive and now they just seem to think that this is the new status quo. I think about it constantly but won't make it an issue in their lives other than to let them know that I have been there and am an easy person to talk with if they ever find themselves struggling. I hope that they will end their years at home with the memories of "out of it" Dad becoming more distant.
I know that I shouldn't say this and expect that the statement will set up immediate feelings of caution from the experienced among you but..... I will never drink another drop of alcohol in my life. This is now a "non-negotiable" in my life. I want to be all those things to those I love but not at the expense of me.
As a result, the past 9 days have been amazing. Ironically, the fear/anxiety I feel for the future involves all the stuff I need to work through to become whole. I didn't let alcohol take hold because I was an emotional superhero. Stuff needs fixing!
What I do not fear is alcohol or the possibility of relapse. I allowed it too much power and won't again. I don't miss it at all nor do I hate it. It is just something that I no longer want in my life.
Sorry for the long winded post. I needed to put it down....
Thanks to all of you for sharing your struggles and insights.
d
Today is Day 9 and I have been so grateful for the past 9 days.
This might be lengthy and disjointed but I have been giving a lot of thought to my situation, how I got to such a bad place, why I quit etc...
I have trolled this site, daily, for several years without joining because I wasn't ready to quit drinking. While I drunkenly read posts I believe that your experiences slowly instructed me and built a foundation for this past week's decision.
This attempt is my first legitimate "go" other than the thousands of mornings with weak promises followed by drinking 8 hours later. I didn't miss a day of 10 drinks or way more for 17 years. This is shocking and impossible for me to believe, in retrospect,...but true.
Why now? I feel like "that fool" when I think of writing this post because "who has advice to offer at Day 9" that isn't suspect. Why am I not just full of hubris and arrogance? What value could my post offer when there is so much sage advice from seasoned veterans here? One of my first posts was pulled because it offered my experience with "tapering" (medical advice violation) and I realize that I still don't totally understand what is acceptable/not acceptable with respect to violating some primary rule in recovery.
I am writing this post simply because over the years random posts really helped me and they often hinged around personal insights that the writers had developed during their experiences. There is nothing brilliant here (spoiler alert) ... just my process lately.
So, humbly, here is what has been on my mind the past 9 days.
Life until 30....large chaotic but close family, advanced college degree, college athlete, world traveler, business owner, purist, virtually no alcohol or desire to overindulge.
Life after 30...wife, kids, larger business, zero exercise or alone time, and rapid escalation into alcoholic behavior which continued unabated until now, 47 years old.
Why???
When I married I knew in my core that it was a life-long commitment and I took the vows seriously. Being true in my marriage was an absolute requirement.
When I started a business I knew I would always be honest with my clients/employees, cheat nobody, and that I would create work with meaning.
When a friend or family member needed someone, I would be there.
Why did I do well at these things? I am realizing more and more that I did well at those things because they were/are non-negotiable. I made a commitment to my wife, my kids, my friends, my family, my employees/clients and I didn't ever consider reneging on those commitments.
Unfortunately I didn't make that same commitment to take care of myself. This is what the past days are teaching me. And because I didn't make that commitment to myself the standard to uphold just fell away.
My father is an alcoholic who is a strong presence in my life but he wasn't easy to grow up around. Lots of beatings, insults, anger in our household followed by apologies and heading off to sports with him as our coach. Night/Day experiences with him.
When I quit drinking I also started reading about children of alcoholics and learned that there is one possible outcome that involves the child becoming "bullet-proof" in their outward appearance, "savior mentality" etc... I went that route I am afraid. My two sisters went in different directions. In some ways I think that their struggles in life have been more honest because they have been more open and raw. Mine have apparently been internalized. Golden Boy turned secret drunk!
I'm not sure why I decided to stop last week rather than two weeks from now or 6 years ago but I am so glad I did. In sobriety I realize that all those firm commitments to others were being met in theory but only marginally. I just haven't been myself but didn't realize the extent of it. My wife has helped me gain a little clarity, kindly but brutally, in our conversations of late
She knew I was hurting but for some reason had faith I would work it out. Now that I'm clean and coming clean with her the gloves are off! I talked with my kids and told them that I had decided to give up alcohol. I expected them to "not have noticed" but they too, cautiously have opened up and shared with me. Thank God I was always kind to them and don't have that to repair. It is amazing how insightful they have been. They were initially caring and supportive and now they just seem to think that this is the new status quo. I think about it constantly but won't make it an issue in their lives other than to let them know that I have been there and am an easy person to talk with if they ever find themselves struggling. I hope that they will end their years at home with the memories of "out of it" Dad becoming more distant.
I know that I shouldn't say this and expect that the statement will set up immediate feelings of caution from the experienced among you but..... I will never drink another drop of alcohol in my life. This is now a "non-negotiable" in my life. I want to be all those things to those I love but not at the expense of me.
As a result, the past 9 days have been amazing. Ironically, the fear/anxiety I feel for the future involves all the stuff I need to work through to become whole. I didn't let alcohol take hold because I was an emotional superhero. Stuff needs fixing!
What I do not fear is alcohol or the possibility of relapse. I allowed it too much power and won't again. I don't miss it at all nor do I hate it. It is just something that I no longer want in my life.
Sorry for the long winded post. I needed to put it down....
Thanks to all of you for sharing your struggles and insights.
d
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
Thanks for the great post. "Non-negotiable" is a great term for the decision not to drink. We so easily make other things in our life non-negotiable (stealing, hurting others, cheating), why do we have so much difficulty making our decision not to drink be non-negotiable?
From experience, I can tell you that your approach to this problem can be successful. It has worked for me for nearly 2 years now, since the first day I joined SR.
Welcome. I am glad you are here with us. I hope you will post often and let us know how you are doing.
From experience, I can tell you that your approach to this problem can be successful. It has worked for me for nearly 2 years now, since the first day I joined SR.
Welcome. I am glad you are here with us. I hope you will post often and let us know how you are doing.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,427
Thanks for sharing that DonTolan - I don't think there's anything wrong with this statement at all
great stuff 
D
I will never drink another drop of alcohol in my life. This is now a "non-negotiable" in my life. I want to be all those things to those I love but not at the expense of me.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 196
Originally Posted by DonTolan47 
Good morning all,
Today is Day 9 and I have been so grateful for the past 9 days.
This might be lengthy and disjointed but I have been giving a lot of thought to my situation, how I got to such a bad place, why I quit etc...
I have trolled this site, daily, for several years without joining because I wasn't ready to quit drinking. While I drunkenly read posts I believe that your experiences slowly instructed me and built a foundation for this past week's decision.
This attempt is my first legitimate "go" other than the thousands of mornings with weak promises followed by drinking 8 hours later. I didn't miss a day of 10 drinks or way more for 17 years. This is shocking and impossible for me to believe, in retrospect,...but true.
Why now? I feel like "that fool" when I think of writing this post because "who has advice to offer at Day 9" that isn't suspect. Why am I not just full of hubris and arrogance? What value could my post offer when there is so much sage advice from seasoned veterans here? One of my first posts was pulled because it offered my experience with "tapering" (medical advice violation) and I realize that I still don't totally understand what is acceptable/not acceptable with respect to violating some primary rule in recovery.
I am writing this post simply because over the years random posts really helped me and they often hinged around personal insights that the writers had developed during their experiences. There is nothing brilliant here (spoiler alert) ... just my process lately.
So, humbly, here is what has been on my mind the past 9 days.
Life until 30....large chaotic but close family, advanced college degree, college athlete, world traveler, business owner, purist, virtually no alcohol or desire to overindulge.
Life after 30...wife, kids, larger business, zero exercise or alone time, and rapid escalation into alcoholic behavior which continued unabated until now, 47 years old.
Why???
When I married I knew in my core that it was a life-long commitment and I took the vows seriously. Being true in my marriage was an absolute requirement.
When I started a business I knew I would always be honest with my clients/employees, cheat nobody, and that I would create work with meaning.
When a friend or family member needed someone, I would be there.
Why did I do well at these things? I am realizing more and more that I did well at those things because they were/are non-negotiable. I made a commitment to my wife, my kids, my friends, my family, my employees/clients and I didn't ever consider reneging on those commitments.
Unfortunately I didn't make that same commitment to take care of myself. This is what the past days are teaching me. And because I didn't make that commitment to myself the standard to uphold just fell away.
My father is an alcoholic who is a strong presence in my life but he wasn't easy to grow up around. Lots of beatings, insults, anger in our household followed by apologies and heading off to sports with him as our coach. Night/Day experiences with him.
When I quit drinking I also started reading about children of alcoholics and learned that there is one possible outcome that involves the child becoming "bullet-proof" in their outward appearance, "savior mentality" etc... I went that route I am afraid. My two sisters went in different directions. In some ways I think that their struggles in life have been more honest because they have been more open and raw. Mine have apparently been internalized. Golden Boy turned secret drunk!
I'm not sure why I decided to stop last week rather than two weeks from now or 6 years ago but I am so glad I did. In sobriety I realize that all those firm commitments to others were being met in theory but only marginally. I just haven't been myself but didn't realize the extent of it. My wife has helped me gain a little clarity, kindly but brutally, in our conversations of late She knew I was hurting but for some reason had faith I would work it out. Now that I'm clean and coming clean with her the gloves are off!
I talked with my kids and told them that I had decided to give up alcohol. I expected them to "not have noticed" but they too, cautiously have opened up and shared with me. Thank God I was always kind to them and don't have that to repair. It is amazing how insightful they have been. They were initially caring and supportive and now they just seem to think that this is the new status quo. I think about it constantly but won't make it an issue in their lives other than to let them know that I have been there and am an easy person to talk with if they ever find themselves struggling. I hope that they will end their years at home with the memories of "out of it" Dad becoming more distant.
I know that I shouldn't say this and expect that the statement will set up immediate feelings of caution from the experienced among you but..... I will never drink another drop of alcohol in my life. This is now a "non-negotiable" in my life. I want to be all those things to those I love but not at the expense of me.
As a result, the past 9 days have been amazing. Ironically, the fear/anxiety I feel for the future involves all the stuff I need to work through to become whole. I didn't let alcohol take hold because I was an emotional superhero. Stuff needs fixing!
What I do not fear is alcohol or the possibility of relapse. I allowed it too much power and won't again. I don't miss it at all nor do I hate it. It is just something that I no longer want in my life.
Sorry for the long winded post. I needed to put it down....
Thanks to all of you for sharing your struggles and insights.
d
Today is Day 9 and I have been so grateful for the past 9 days.
This might be lengthy and disjointed but I have been giving a lot of thought to my situation, how I got to such a bad place, why I quit etc...
I have trolled this site, daily, for several years without joining because I wasn't ready to quit drinking. While I drunkenly read posts I believe that your experiences slowly instructed me and built a foundation for this past week's decision.
This attempt is my first legitimate "go" other than the thousands of mornings with weak promises followed by drinking 8 hours later. I didn't miss a day of 10 drinks or way more for 17 years. This is shocking and impossible for me to believe, in retrospect,...but true.
Why now? I feel like "that fool" when I think of writing this post because "who has advice to offer at Day 9" that isn't suspect. Why am I not just full of hubris and arrogance? What value could my post offer when there is so much sage advice from seasoned veterans here? One of my first posts was pulled because it offered my experience with "tapering" (medical advice violation) and I realize that I still don't totally understand what is acceptable/not acceptable with respect to violating some primary rule in recovery.
I am writing this post simply because over the years random posts really helped me and they often hinged around personal insights that the writers had developed during their experiences. There is nothing brilliant here (spoiler alert) ... just my process lately.
So, humbly, here is what has been on my mind the past 9 days.
Life until 30....large chaotic but close family, advanced college degree, college athlete, world traveler, business owner, purist, virtually no alcohol or desire to overindulge.
Life after 30...wife, kids, larger business, zero exercise or alone time, and rapid escalation into alcoholic behavior which continued unabated until now, 47 years old.
Why???
When I married I knew in my core that it was a life-long commitment and I took the vows seriously. Being true in my marriage was an absolute requirement.
When I started a business I knew I would always be honest with my clients/employees, cheat nobody, and that I would create work with meaning.
When a friend or family member needed someone, I would be there.
Why did I do well at these things? I am realizing more and more that I did well at those things because they were/are non-negotiable. I made a commitment to my wife, my kids, my friends, my family, my employees/clients and I didn't ever consider reneging on those commitments.
Unfortunately I didn't make that same commitment to take care of myself. This is what the past days are teaching me. And because I didn't make that commitment to myself the standard to uphold just fell away.
My father is an alcoholic who is a strong presence in my life but he wasn't easy to grow up around. Lots of beatings, insults, anger in our household followed by apologies and heading off to sports with him as our coach. Night/Day experiences with him.
When I quit drinking I also started reading about children of alcoholics and learned that there is one possible outcome that involves the child becoming "bullet-proof" in their outward appearance, "savior mentality" etc... I went that route I am afraid. My two sisters went in different directions. In some ways I think that their struggles in life have been more honest because they have been more open and raw. Mine have apparently been internalized. Golden Boy turned secret drunk!
I'm not sure why I decided to stop last week rather than two weeks from now or 6 years ago but I am so glad I did. In sobriety I realize that all those firm commitments to others were being met in theory but only marginally. I just haven't been myself but didn't realize the extent of it. My wife has helped me gain a little clarity, kindly but brutally, in our conversations of late
She knew I was hurting but for some reason had faith I would work it out. Now that I'm clean and coming clean with her the gloves are off! I talked with my kids and told them that I had decided to give up alcohol. I expected them to "not have noticed" but they too, cautiously have opened up and shared with me. Thank God I was always kind to them and don't have that to repair. It is amazing how insightful they have been. They were initially caring and supportive and now they just seem to think that this is the new status quo. I think about it constantly but won't make it an issue in their lives other than to let them know that I have been there and am an easy person to talk with if they ever find themselves struggling. I hope that they will end their years at home with the memories of "out of it" Dad becoming more distant.
I know that I shouldn't say this and expect that the statement will set up immediate feelings of caution from the experienced among you but..... I will never drink another drop of alcohol in my life. This is now a "non-negotiable" in my life. I want to be all those things to those I love but not at the expense of me.
As a result, the past 9 days have been amazing. Ironically, the fear/anxiety I feel for the future involves all the stuff I need to work through to become whole. I didn't let alcohol take hold because I was an emotional superhero. Stuff needs fixing!
What I do not fear is alcohol or the possibility of relapse. I allowed it too much power and won't again. I don't miss it at all nor do I hate it. It is just something that I no longer want in my life.
Sorry for the long winded post. I needed to put it down....
Thanks to all of you for sharing your struggles and insights.
d
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