Discouraged
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Discouraged
Just feeling so discouraged and heartbroken again. I had come so far only to get sucked back in and dropped on my head again. The promises and pleading were incessant.
I find myself feeling emotionally beaten and abandoned. The toughest part is that he did this to me in his sobriety. All those years I wasted in vain to try and help him and once he gets sober he leaves me for someone he barely knows and says he doesn't love.
The final slap in the face.
I find myself feeling emotionally beaten and abandoned. The toughest part is that he did this to me in his sobriety. All those years I wasted in vain to try and help him and once he gets sober he leaves me for someone he barely knows and says he doesn't love.
The final slap in the face.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: NJ
Posts: 95
I am sorry to hear you are going through this and I know the feeling of being defeated and heartbroken and devastated and emotionally beaten and it feels awful. I try when I can to let myself cry and feel it and then reach out to people I know can make me laugh and then do something nice for myself even when I feel like I might not be worth it, I try to any way, but this is a work in progress for me. Last night I went to an evening yoga class and hadn't done that in too long, but sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball with the lights off and not crawl out..
sending comfort to you..
sending comfort to you..
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Jodie,
I have been where you are so I know it hurts. Right now you have to go into "survival mode". I used to replay every exchange, conversation in my head and try to make sense of it and sadly you just will never understand it because you are not the A. It would not hurt any less if he did this in sobriety with someone he did know and love. And lets be honest, he must tell her he loves her! My STBXAH used that as a manipulation on me for so long with enabling gf, he never loved her, etc blah blah blah but would keep going back to her!
My STBXAH has done so much of the same things you describe. He is married to me so could not go get married but has left me in sobriety, relapsed, gone back to other woman multiple times, even when I was bedridden with cancer. Every time he came back it was incessant pleading and promises and thats all it was....and we share a 7 year old daughter. I would let him back in because he'd do grand gestures and try hard to win me over but once he knew he had me back it was back to same old behavior and what is saddest is I allowed my 7 year old to go on this ride. I am trying hard right now to forgive myself for being so weak and not showing clear boundaries sooner.
When you are so sad and the pain is so much, please take it hour by hour. Listen to positive podcasts or music you like. Go to Alanon. Make an appointment with therapist. Have a girlfriend over. You have to start asking yourself the hard questions of why you even are sad over someone who would treat you this way. It was not until I started dealing with myself could I see just how sick I had become too. People should not treat people the way he has. He sounds like he has a mental illness on top of the alcoholism. I really believe my STBAXH has an undiagnosed mental illness. But it is not for me to worry about anymore. You are valuable and worth love and respect, treat yourself as such.
I have been where you are so I know it hurts. Right now you have to go into "survival mode". I used to replay every exchange, conversation in my head and try to make sense of it and sadly you just will never understand it because you are not the A. It would not hurt any less if he did this in sobriety with someone he did know and love. And lets be honest, he must tell her he loves her! My STBXAH used that as a manipulation on me for so long with enabling gf, he never loved her, etc blah blah blah but would keep going back to her!
My STBXAH has done so much of the same things you describe. He is married to me so could not go get married but has left me in sobriety, relapsed, gone back to other woman multiple times, even when I was bedridden with cancer. Every time he came back it was incessant pleading and promises and thats all it was....and we share a 7 year old daughter. I would let him back in because he'd do grand gestures and try hard to win me over but once he knew he had me back it was back to same old behavior and what is saddest is I allowed my 7 year old to go on this ride. I am trying hard right now to forgive myself for being so weak and not showing clear boundaries sooner.
When you are so sad and the pain is so much, please take it hour by hour. Listen to positive podcasts or music you like. Go to Alanon. Make an appointment with therapist. Have a girlfriend over. You have to start asking yourself the hard questions of why you even are sad over someone who would treat you this way. It was not until I started dealing with myself could I see just how sick I had become too. People should not treat people the way he has. He sounds like he has a mental illness on top of the alcoholism. I really believe my STBAXH has an undiagnosed mental illness. But it is not for me to worry about anymore. You are valuable and worth love and respect, treat yourself as such.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jodie......I believe you could benefit from a more optimistic...."glass is half full" attitude.
Look....you got over him before...so, you know you can do it again.
The difference being......THIS TIME you will know to leave the past in the past where it belongs, and do not let beggars in the door!!
(big difference!)
dandylion
Look....you got over him before...so, you know you can do it again.
The difference being......THIS TIME you will know to leave the past in the past where it belongs, and do not let beggars in the door!!
(big difference!)
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
At times like this, we can be our own worst enemy. Be mindful of how you speak to yourself; be loving and protective of your heart and ego, and take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
This happened and it is terrible and it cannot be changed. You followed your heart and were let down again. None of it makes you a bad person and none of it is anything to be ashamed of. You will rise from this stronger than before. Letting go of your idea of this man and accepting who he is really is will set you free.
This happened and it is terrible and it cannot be changed. You followed your heart and were let down again. None of it makes you a bad person and none of it is anything to be ashamed of. You will rise from this stronger than before. Letting go of your idea of this man and accepting who he is really is will set you free.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Thanks SR family. You've lightened my heart some this morning. It's just so painful to invest so many years in someone and they walk on you for someone they barely know. All I wanted was to see him sober and I stuck by him through thick and thin. He abandoned me so many times and this time I thought it would be different because of the magnitude of his pursuing me as well as the fact that he "found God" and was sober. It's like all of it was in vain and at the end of the day I was kicked to the curb yet again.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: NJ
Posts: 95
Maybe being "kicked to the curb" will come to be a blessing in disguise even though right now it hurts like hell.. I am saying this, and also trying to reassure myself too in my relationship, different, but so the same.. 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I think that, when we leave an alcoholic and then hear their repeated pleas for our return and promises to "be better", and fall into it again, that when we do extract ourselves, we are stronger.
For me, it was like a spiral, coming back to the same point of temptation to go back again and again, but rejecting it. Each time the spiral came to that point again, I was devastated but I also had more knowledge, more faith in myself, and more resolve to do what I needed to do to take care of myself.
You are growing through this spiral, and you will succeed; you will endure; you will be so much happier than you ever thought you could be.
Try taking count of the ways your life has improved being on your own and try looking at the potential for a happy life now in front of you that wasn't there when you were tied to his cycles of promises, default and relapse.
He doesn't define happiness for you; very often, he precludes you having happiness. You can do that for yourself even though sometimes you falter. Just keep on moving up that spiral
Take care,
ShootingStar1
For me, it was like a spiral, coming back to the same point of temptation to go back again and again, but rejecting it. Each time the spiral came to that point again, I was devastated but I also had more knowledge, more faith in myself, and more resolve to do what I needed to do to take care of myself.
You are growing through this spiral, and you will succeed; you will endure; you will be so much happier than you ever thought you could be.
Try taking count of the ways your life has improved being on your own and try looking at the potential for a happy life now in front of you that wasn't there when you were tied to his cycles of promises, default and relapse.
He doesn't define happiness for you; very often, he precludes you having happiness. You can do that for yourself even though sometimes you falter. Just keep on moving up that spiral
Take care,
ShootingStar1
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