Missing my ex-bf alcoholic
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Missing my ex-bf alcoholic
I was recently divorced after being married for 12 years from a man who pretty much emotionally abused me our last couple years together and physically right before we divorced. Low and behold I meet a guy and was soexcited at how he treated me and how he accepted my kids and divorced situation. After a few months dating I noticed he started bringing more and more beer and wine to my apartment when he would stay for longer periods of time. After 6 months together, I saw he was drinking a 12-18pk a day sometimes more. I didnt know how to deal with it and I didn't know what to do. He was so kind to me but he hardly ever took me out, was always on xbox, and I was paying for almost everything. Before I knew it I was buying a house and he was moving in. 2 years later I got to a breaking point where ive realized this hadn't gone anywhere and it was my fault for allowing it do long. He made attempts before to cut back but he would be down and go right back to a full pack or more a day. I broke it off and its been a month and I miss him so bad. He is a good guy. I feel like I made a mistake.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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The guy is sponging off you. You are providing him with a residence and place to get drunk and to play games - why didn't this man work or contribute to the household financially?
What other responsibilities were yours alone? Cleaning, yard work, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking?
Alcoholism isn't your only problem with this person. He has a way in which he lives that is not compatible with your expectations of a relationship (which are very normal). I'm pretty sure that taking away the alcohol is going to net you a sober person with the same behaviors.
Being nice is plentiful in this world. There are lots of nice men and ones who don't expect for you to pay for their lifestyles. I understand that you miss him, but you need to remember why you broke up in the first place.
What other responsibilities were yours alone? Cleaning, yard work, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking?
Alcoholism isn't your only problem with this person. He has a way in which he lives that is not compatible with your expectations of a relationship (which are very normal). I'm pretty sure that taking away the alcohol is going to net you a sober person with the same behaviors.
Being nice is plentiful in this world. There are lots of nice men and ones who don't expect for you to pay for their lifestyles. I understand that you miss him, but you need to remember why you broke up in the first place.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Sounds like you 're missing the man you thought he was.
A grown man sitting around the house, drinking 18 beers a day, playing xbox all day, draining your finances, is not my definition of a "keeper,"
You certainly deserve better.
There are men out there, who will actually add value to your life, and not just take, take, take.
A grown man sitting around the house, drinking 18 beers a day, playing xbox all day, draining your finances, is not my definition of a "keeper,"
You certainly deserve better.
There are men out there, who will actually add value to your life, and not just take, take, take.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 135
I was supporting my xabf for almost 18months while with him... 9 months of which he lived with me. It was a scary thing to think i was always going to have to support a grown man that could never hold a job for longer than 5 months. Even though my xabf didn't drink daily ( he would have a relapse like every 3 weeks) it still caused chaos in my life and affected my 11 year old son, no matter how much id try to protect him from it all. His alcoholism caused me major anxiety for my future. He was also generally a nice guy but it wasn't the relationship i wanted. He never had any money to buy me anything or even take me out for a nice dinner.
Having said all this... even after we broke up 9 months ago, i still missed him. I was so sad, that at times, wanted the dysfunction back rather than being alone. Even now, knowing he has a new gf hurts me so much.... But when i ask myself if i would want him back the answer is HELL NO! Im free of the fear and anxiety of living with a alcoholic. I still have hard days but i have my inner peace back... and that's priceless!!
Having said all this... even after we broke up 9 months ago, i still missed him. I was so sad, that at times, wanted the dysfunction back rather than being alone. Even now, knowing he has a new gf hurts me so much.... But when i ask myself if i would want him back the answer is HELL NO! Im free of the fear and anxiety of living with a alcoholic. I still have hard days but i have my inner peace back... and that's priceless!!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Gracie there is a type of man who will sponge off women, especially those who are vulnerable, and give just enough emotional support to keep the money and food coming in. It happened to a good friend of mine after she went through a bruising divorce, and she lost a lot of money through bad decisions.
Congratulations on seeing through the short-term hurt and doing the only right thing for yourself and your children. If you need love and friendship, try finding it in family and friends who support you and give the men a break until you've discovered how strong you are for yourself.
Congratulations on seeing through the short-term hurt and doing the only right thing for yourself and your children. If you need love and friendship, try finding it in family and friends who support you and give the men a break until you've discovered how strong you are for yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by redatlanta 
The guy is sponging off you. You are providing him with a residence and place to get drunk and to play games - why didn't this man work or contribute to the household financially?
What other responsibilities were yours alone? Cleaning, yard work, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking?
Alcoholism isn't your only problem with this person. He has a way in which he lives that is not compatible with your expectations of a relationship (which are very normal). I'm pretty sure that taking away the alcohol is going to net you a sober person with the same behaviors.
Being nice is plentiful in this world. There are lots of nice men and ones who don't expect for you to pay for their lifestyles. I understand that you miss him, but you need to remember why you broke up in the first place.
What other responsibilities were yours alone? Cleaning, yard work, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking?
Alcoholism isn't your only problem with this person. He has a way in which he lives that is not compatible with your expectations of a relationship (which are very normal). I'm pretty sure that taking away the alcohol is going to net you a sober person with the same behaviors.
Being nice is plentiful in this world. There are lots of nice men and ones who don't expect for you to pay for their lifestyles. I understand that you miss him, but you need to remember why you broke up in the first place.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
So half of your total monthly expenses is $600.00 per month?
How much physical help was he as was asked before--did he clean, cook,
take care of fixing things, taking out the trash, etc. or did he drink and play games?
Doesn't sound like you made a mistake to me Grace
How much physical help was he as was asked before--did he clean, cook,
take care of fixing things, taking out the trash, etc. or did he drink and play games?
Doesn't sound like you made a mistake to me Grace
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
trying to see what this guy brought to the table......ain't finding it, sorry. I presume he is NOT but he sounds about 16 years old. with a drinking problem.
100 bucks here or there? after you BOUGHT a house and pay for EVERYTHING?
what you had was a freeloader. a mooch.
100 bucks here or there? after you BOUGHT a house and pay for EVERYTHING?
what you had was a freeloader. a mooch.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
So half of your total monthly expenses is $600.00 per month?
How much physical help was he as was asked before--did he clean, cook,
take care of fixing things, taking out the trash, etc. or did he drink and play games?
Doesn't sound like you made a mistake to me Grace
How much physical help was he as was asked before--did he clean, cook,
take care of fixing things, taking out the trash, etc. or did he drink and play games?
Doesn't sound like you made a mistake to me Grace
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 135
Originally Posted by Gracie12
I guess my thing is I knew I made more money than him, and he treated me well. But I want to be taken out and doted over as spoiled selfish brat as that sounds.
That doesn't make you a spoiled brat! You wanted to be with a man that was your equal and that would contribute to the relationship as you were. Your kids are looking up to you to show them what a healthy partnership is.... show them whats acceptable and whats not!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Gracie.....just because you miss him doesn't mean that you have made a mistake!
This is normal, even for very bad relationships.
There is always a period of short-term pain for the long-term gain.....
Trust me....you did not make a mistake!!
dandylion
This is normal, even for very bad relationships.
There is always a period of short-term pain for the long-term gain.....
Trust me....you did not make a mistake!!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Cleo1234
Having said all this... even after we broke up 9 months ago, i still missed him. I was so sad, that at times, wanted the dysfunction back rather than being alone. Even now, knowing he has a new gf hurts me so much.... But when i ask myself if i would want him back the answer is HELL NO! Im free of the fear and anxiety of living with a alcoholic. I still have hard days but i have my inner peace back... and that's priceless!!
I wouldn't pay for my guy and especially hated driving him around. He found someone else and I stay away so don't know details but it hurts to face he couldn't be self supporting through his own contributions and has to find someone to do things for him, basic normal things.
Many women are willing to provide this but that would be the question to ask. .
I always had 2 steadfast boundaries with guys who chronically relapse.
1. Don't give them money
2. Don't let them live with you
kzen
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Gracie12
I was recently divorced after being married for 12 years from a man who pretty much emotionally abused me our last couple years together and physically right before we divorced. Low and behold I meet a guy and was soexcited at how he treated me and how he accepted my kids and divorced situation. After a few months dating I noticed he started bringing more and more beer and wine to my apartment when he would stay for longer periods of time. After 6 months together, I saw he was drinking a 12-18pk a day sometimes more. I didnt know how to deal with it and I didn't know what to do. He was so kind to me but he hardly ever took me out, was always on xbox, and I was paying for almost everything. Before I knew it I was buying a house and he was moving in. 2 years later I got to a breaking point where ive realized this hadn't gone anywhere and it was my fault for allowing it do long. He made attempts before to cut back but he would be down and go right back to a full pack or more a day. I broke it off and its been a month and I miss him so bad. He is a good guy. I feel like I made a mistake.
It's also understandable to think maybe you should not have let him go but give the whole thing 90 days...I counted the days with my exab..it helped.
I felt different after 30 but just this Thursday I wanted to call, today I don't feel that way.
It will go up and down but it's too much stress to raise kids and a man child...he can grow up, sober up and anything is possible but if not, unfortunately his alcoholism will progress and it will turn into a lot of the horror stories you will find here on Sober Recovery.
Do you know anything about the disease or is this your first experience?
Kayleezen
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by kayleezen
Gracie, just take it day by day, if you were badly hurt by your ex husband as was I, it's understandable you fell for what sounds like a gentle alcoholic.
It's also understandable to think maybe you should not have let him go but give the whole thing 90 days...I counted the days with my exab..it helped.
I felt different after 30 but just this Thursday I wanted to call, today I don't feel that way.
It will go up and down but it's too much stress to raise kids and a man child...he can grow up, sober up and anything is possible but if not, unfortunately his alcoholism will progress and it will turn into a lot of the horror stories you will find here on Sober Recovery.
Do you know anything about the disease or is this your first experience?
Kayleezen
It's also understandable to think maybe you should not have let him go but give the whole thing 90 days...I counted the days with my exab..it helped.
I felt different after 30 but just this Thursday I wanted to call, today I don't feel that way.
It will go up and down but it's too much stress to raise kids and a man child...he can grow up, sober up and anything is possible but if not, unfortunately his alcoholism will progress and it will turn into a lot of the horror stories you will find here on Sober Recovery.
Do you know anything about the disease or is this your first experience?
Kayleezen
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Hi Gracie,
Don't look at it as a failure, it sounds like he just had a drinking problem and took advantage of things which happens if we allow it.
I would use this experience to grow and attend some al anon meetings to see how you can change.
I too felt like a complete and utter failure being drawn to nothing but alcoholics after my divorce but I was in the program so I felt even stupider.
Little by little I'm learning what in the world was happening to me and hoping by some miracle to brake this pattern although it's been years since my divorce and I've not dated one guy who wasn't in the trenches of alcoholism.
If he was kind to you and your children and you were able to buy a house in the process of it all, wow, you should feel like nothing but a winner, not a failure. Give it time, the dynamic you were in sounds unproductive for both of you.
Learn all you can and take it day by day.
Blessings
kzen
Don't look at it as a failure, it sounds like he just had a drinking problem and took advantage of things which happens if we allow it.
I would use this experience to grow and attend some al anon meetings to see how you can change.
I too felt like a complete and utter failure being drawn to nothing but alcoholics after my divorce but I was in the program so I felt even stupider.
Little by little I'm learning what in the world was happening to me and hoping by some miracle to brake this pattern although it's been years since my divorce and I've not dated one guy who wasn't in the trenches of alcoholism.
If he was kind to you and your children and you were able to buy a house in the process of it all, wow, you should feel like nothing but a winner, not a failure. Give it time, the dynamic you were in sounds unproductive for both of you.
Learn all you can and take it day by day.
Blessings
kzen
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