Newbie - My Story - Looking for Something
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 17
Newbie - My Story - Looking for Something
First time post, and I'm slowly reading through various topics and posts to find information that could be useful. This is my story, looking for something - not sure what. A stranger I met suggested coming to this forum.
Over a decade ago I married a woman that became the center of my world. I'm sure it's a common story - two people so in love that people would puke. Two years into the marriage, I came home to a suicidal spouse. I dropped all my hobbies, my friends, everything to be there for her so she would never have to spend much time alone. She asked this of me, and I did what I thought was needed. My friends drifted away and it was just us two.
She turned to alcohol and I couldn't get her to stop. I didn't see many options at the time - for me it was lose her or join her. For 8 years we had our ups and downs and fights. She would demand I change to fit what she needed, things that I knew were wrong. But I loved her and I tried. I became more affectionate, less distanced, more attached to her. I'm sure someone would point out that this is co-dependency, and I'm sure they are right. She wanted me to be co-dependent on her "to fix what was wrong in the marriage" and so I did.
We had a child and my wife got sober, began AA and therapy. I stopped drinking about 3 to 6 months later, not really understanding what she was going through but realizing that if she was going to AA and considered herself an alcoholic, then having alcohol in the house wasn't a good idea. I still drink, just not at home or around my wife - typically a drink or two every couple months when I'm travelling. My wife seemed surprised that I was able to stop so quickly, but I didn't find it difficult, and I didn't understand why she couldn't have a casual drink every once in a while. Thinking about it now, I still don't see her as an alcoholic, just the woman I fell in love with that is lost in her pain and mental anguish.
During recovery, I ended up focusing on taking care of our child and the house and giving her the time to go to meetings. She'd go to meetings six days a week, church on sunday, sometimes multiple meetings. Her parents are alcoholics so she also went to Alanon meetings. If there was a meeting within 60 miles, she was there.
Things got worse for me the more she was in therapy and the more meetings she went to. Sexual abandonment for 5 years now. Emotional abandonment for the last year. She said she was trying to "lovingly-disconnect" which, from my understanding, meant that she would stop trying to control me. What she ended up doing is refusing to accept or receive any affection. She stopped talking to me, sometimes for months at a time. I tried to talk to her, to understand what was going on, but always received some statement that it was just part of her recovery process and she was working through childhood trauma, or that I'd done something that she didn't like, or just some excuse. Lots of excuses. Endless excuses.
I stuck in there for a long time then two months ago I had enough. I told her I wanted a divorce, that I couldn't continue to live without my needs being met, without love or affection in my life. She scheduled an appointment with a marriage therapist. She has refused to do anything to try to improve our relationship - won't talk to me outside the therapist room, refuses to accept or receive affection, etc.
I started going out - performance art, hikes, various activities to try and get my life back and meet new people. My wife began acting erratic, wanting to check my phone and approve or disapprove of where I was going or what I was doing. It took me some time to understand why she was acting this way, but then I asked her, "Did you have an affair?"
She admitted to having two relationships, one with a person from church that she thought she could have a life with but then realized he was ugly on the inside and broke it off. Another with a co-worker which has been going on for at least three years. She says there was no sex.
This week the shock of learning this has worn off. Still getting no indication from my wife that she wants to have a relationship with me. Therapist says that she's not saying yes, and she's not saying no, so give him a few sessions to work it out. He spent half a meeting explaining to me how it is common during the recovery process for a spouse to have inappropriate relationships and is part of the addiction and recovery process. I understand about as well as I think I can.
Two nights ago she went to a party and came back with the "glow". Maybe she just had a really good time, but what little I could get out of her was that it was "fine" and just a boring party. This is the type of glow she used to get after we'd have sex.
Last night she went to one of her recovery meetings dressed in her sexiest dress, all made up. She's never gone to one of her meetings dressed like that. She came home when expected and without the "glow".
I don't know if she's continuing to have relationships outside the marriage, I don't know if she lied about the relationships, I don't know if she's trying to play games, or just being inconsiderate. She's deceived if not outright lied to me for years about her relationships outside the marriage. The shock has worn off and I'm finding that I feel a very deep sense of betrayal and lack of trust. Her recent actions are not designed to instill a sense of trust in her.
Sometimes I feel like I'm too much the chump and that I should just end the marriage and move on.
When I can get my wife to talk to me, it's always my fault. She can do no wrong and refuses to apologize. We can't argue because the facts of whatever happened change - her version of events are drastically different than mine. It's impossible to argue when there is no agreement on what actually happened.
I was talking to someone who's spouse was an alcoholic and she said that this isn't uncommon behavior and suggested I come to this forum. I don't know what I'm looking for, maybe understanding or if people have gone through similar situations how it turned out for them.
I still hold onto that small thread of hope, but I know it would be easier in the long run to end the marriage and move on. That thread of hope is tearing me up inside.
Thanks in advance,
S40
Over a decade ago I married a woman that became the center of my world. I'm sure it's a common story - two people so in love that people would puke. Two years into the marriage, I came home to a suicidal spouse. I dropped all my hobbies, my friends, everything to be there for her so she would never have to spend much time alone. She asked this of me, and I did what I thought was needed. My friends drifted away and it was just us two.
She turned to alcohol and I couldn't get her to stop. I didn't see many options at the time - for me it was lose her or join her. For 8 years we had our ups and downs and fights. She would demand I change to fit what she needed, things that I knew were wrong. But I loved her and I tried. I became more affectionate, less distanced, more attached to her. I'm sure someone would point out that this is co-dependency, and I'm sure they are right. She wanted me to be co-dependent on her "to fix what was wrong in the marriage" and so I did.
We had a child and my wife got sober, began AA and therapy. I stopped drinking about 3 to 6 months later, not really understanding what she was going through but realizing that if she was going to AA and considered herself an alcoholic, then having alcohol in the house wasn't a good idea. I still drink, just not at home or around my wife - typically a drink or two every couple months when I'm travelling. My wife seemed surprised that I was able to stop so quickly, but I didn't find it difficult, and I didn't understand why she couldn't have a casual drink every once in a while. Thinking about it now, I still don't see her as an alcoholic, just the woman I fell in love with that is lost in her pain and mental anguish.
During recovery, I ended up focusing on taking care of our child and the house and giving her the time to go to meetings. She'd go to meetings six days a week, church on sunday, sometimes multiple meetings. Her parents are alcoholics so she also went to Alanon meetings. If there was a meeting within 60 miles, she was there.
Things got worse for me the more she was in therapy and the more meetings she went to. Sexual abandonment for 5 years now. Emotional abandonment for the last year. She said she was trying to "lovingly-disconnect" which, from my understanding, meant that she would stop trying to control me. What she ended up doing is refusing to accept or receive any affection. She stopped talking to me, sometimes for months at a time. I tried to talk to her, to understand what was going on, but always received some statement that it was just part of her recovery process and she was working through childhood trauma, or that I'd done something that she didn't like, or just some excuse. Lots of excuses. Endless excuses.
I stuck in there for a long time then two months ago I had enough. I told her I wanted a divorce, that I couldn't continue to live without my needs being met, without love or affection in my life. She scheduled an appointment with a marriage therapist. She has refused to do anything to try to improve our relationship - won't talk to me outside the therapist room, refuses to accept or receive affection, etc.
I started going out - performance art, hikes, various activities to try and get my life back and meet new people. My wife began acting erratic, wanting to check my phone and approve or disapprove of where I was going or what I was doing. It took me some time to understand why she was acting this way, but then I asked her, "Did you have an affair?"
She admitted to having two relationships, one with a person from church that she thought she could have a life with but then realized he was ugly on the inside and broke it off. Another with a co-worker which has been going on for at least three years. She says there was no sex.
This week the shock of learning this has worn off. Still getting no indication from my wife that she wants to have a relationship with me. Therapist says that she's not saying yes, and she's not saying no, so give him a few sessions to work it out. He spent half a meeting explaining to me how it is common during the recovery process for a spouse to have inappropriate relationships and is part of the addiction and recovery process. I understand about as well as I think I can.
Two nights ago she went to a party and came back with the "glow". Maybe she just had a really good time, but what little I could get out of her was that it was "fine" and just a boring party. This is the type of glow she used to get after we'd have sex.
Last night she went to one of her recovery meetings dressed in her sexiest dress, all made up. She's never gone to one of her meetings dressed like that. She came home when expected and without the "glow".
I don't know if she's continuing to have relationships outside the marriage, I don't know if she lied about the relationships, I don't know if she's trying to play games, or just being inconsiderate. She's deceived if not outright lied to me for years about her relationships outside the marriage. The shock has worn off and I'm finding that I feel a very deep sense of betrayal and lack of trust. Her recent actions are not designed to instill a sense of trust in her.
Sometimes I feel like I'm too much the chump and that I should just end the marriage and move on.
When I can get my wife to talk to me, it's always my fault. She can do no wrong and refuses to apologize. We can't argue because the facts of whatever happened change - her version of events are drastically different than mine. It's impossible to argue when there is no agreement on what actually happened.
I was talking to someone who's spouse was an alcoholic and she said that this isn't uncommon behavior and suggested I come to this forum. I don't know what I'm looking for, maybe understanding or if people have gone through similar situations how it turned out for them.
I still hold onto that small thread of hope, but I know it would be easier in the long run to end the marriage and move on. That thread of hope is tearing me up inside.
Thanks in advance,
S40
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Seaker, welcome to the site.
What is she adding to your life, if anything? I don't think we are called to be martyrs. There is no wrong in leaving an abuser.
I left my husband - even though it was difficult for a few months, it was and is far better than what I was living with him. I have no regrets. It was something I had to do to further my growth and happiness.
What is she adding to your life, if anything? I don't think we are called to be martyrs. There is no wrong in leaving an abuser.
I left my husband - even though it was difficult for a few months, it was and is far better than what I was living with him. I have no regrets. It was something I had to do to further my growth and happiness.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Hi, I'm so sorry for what brings you here, but you've found a great place. Many people will be along with great advice on what you can read and think about, along with questions that will challenge you. I just want to say...
Recovery looks like recovery.
Rigorous honesty.
I am not seeing true recovery in her actions and behaviors.
How long has she been sober? I couldn't quite tell from your post.
I posted a lot of questions in another forum before I came here when my XAH (that's ex alcoholic husband) finally started "recovering". I knew to be patient, to expect bizarre attitude and behaviors, etc...so was very accepting. But it just didn't "feel" right. Every story of true recovery I heard or saw included a lot of frustration, but also more honesty, moments of their loved ones CARING, and other positive things sprinkled in amidst the bad ones.
People told me--he's likely still drinking, or there's another woman involved. I thought NO WAY!!! It was actually both.
Her distance and lying and affairs is all tied together. She may or may not be drinking, but to me, recovery means she'd be more honest with you. She's still operating very selfishly. That's not true recovery.
You don't have to answer here, but what does she bring to you in this relationship? How does she improve your life?
I believed so very strongly in my vows and rode the roller coaster straight down to hell...but I'm the one who ultimately filed for divorce. She has chosen to leave your marriage even though she's still there on paper and sleeping in the same house.
Best words I heard in my struggle...
A divorce decree doesn't make you any more divorced than a marriage certificate makes you married.
I had to ask myself... are we married, or is he already divorced? What exactly am I honoring?
You're processing a lot and you sound like a very patient, loving man. Are you loving yourself through all of this? You deserve much better than you're getting. Keep posting and reading and learning. We're here for you.
Recovery looks like recovery.
Rigorous honesty.
I am not seeing true recovery in her actions and behaviors.
How long has she been sober? I couldn't quite tell from your post.
I posted a lot of questions in another forum before I came here when my XAH (that's ex alcoholic husband) finally started "recovering". I knew to be patient, to expect bizarre attitude and behaviors, etc...so was very accepting. But it just didn't "feel" right. Every story of true recovery I heard or saw included a lot of frustration, but also more honesty, moments of their loved ones CARING, and other positive things sprinkled in amidst the bad ones.
People told me--he's likely still drinking, or there's another woman involved. I thought NO WAY!!! It was actually both.
Her distance and lying and affairs is all tied together. She may or may not be drinking, but to me, recovery means she'd be more honest with you. She's still operating very selfishly. That's not true recovery.
You don't have to answer here, but what does she bring to you in this relationship? How does she improve your life?
I believed so very strongly in my vows and rode the roller coaster straight down to hell...but I'm the one who ultimately filed for divorce. She has chosen to leave your marriage even though she's still there on paper and sleeping in the same house.
Best words I heard in my struggle...
A divorce decree doesn't make you any more divorced than a marriage certificate makes you married.
I had to ask myself... are we married, or is he already divorced? What exactly am I honoring?
You're processing a lot and you sound like a very patient, loving man. Are you loving yourself through all of this? You deserve much better than you're getting. Keep posting and reading and learning. We're here for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
Seaker, welcome to the site.
What is she adding to your life, if anything? I don't think we are called to be martyrs. There is no wrong in leaving an abuser.
I left my husband - even though it was difficult for a few months, it was and is far better than what I was living with him. I have no regrets. It was something I had to do to further my growth and happiness.
What is she adding to your life, if anything? I don't think we are called to be martyrs. There is no wrong in leaving an abuser.
I left my husband - even though it was difficult for a few months, it was and is far better than what I was living with him. I have no regrets. It was something I had to do to further my growth and happiness.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Praying
Hi, I'm so sorry for what brings you here, but you've found a great place. Many people will be along with great advice on what you can read and think about, along with questions that will challenge you. I just want to say...
Recovery looks like recovery.
Rigorous honesty.
I am not seeing true recovery in her actions and behaviors.
How long has she been sober? I couldn't quite tell from your post.
...snip...
Her distance and lying and affairs is all tied together. She may or may not be drinking, but to me, recovery means she'd be more honest with you. She's still operating very selfishly. That's not true recovery.
You don't have to answer here, but what does she bring to you in this relationship? How does she improve your life?
...snip...
You're processing a lot and you sound like a very patient, loving man. Are you loving yourself through all of this? You deserve much better than you're getting. Keep posting and reading and learning. We're here for you.
Recovery looks like recovery.
Rigorous honesty.
I am not seeing true recovery in her actions and behaviors.
How long has she been sober? I couldn't quite tell from your post.
...snip...
Her distance and lying and affairs is all tied together. She may or may not be drinking, but to me, recovery means she'd be more honest with you. She's still operating very selfishly. That's not true recovery.
You don't have to answer here, but what does she bring to you in this relationship? How does she improve your life?
...snip...
You're processing a lot and you sound like a very patient, loving man. Are you loving yourself through all of this? You deserve much better than you're getting. Keep posting and reading and learning. We're here for you.
She's been sober for about 4 years with no drinking at all. She could be fooling everyone, but I don't think so. I never really saw her as an alcoholic, just someone crying out for help. I need to re-evaluate how I look at her because she is an alcoholic.
What she brings to me is a very good question - I hadn't thought of it that way before. There was a previous post that I replied to - I'm going to think about it more, but my initial reaction is nothing... It's a perspective that didn't occur to me and it's eye opening.
I'm trying to do more for myself, build new friendships, get out and have fun, have a life. It's helped me get some distance and perspective. It's not always easy, things have changed a lot in the last decade.
Learning of her affairs and her actions these last couple days have messed a lot with my head. The shock wore off and I find myself for the first time in my life feeling like a failure, lack of self-esteem, ego has taken a massive blow. These aren't feelings I have any experience in dealing with.
Thank you for your comments!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 213
Just want to jump in and say hello, glad you found us here. It is a rewarding place, quite honestly.
Also, I would like to encourage you to keep from allowing yourself to feel like a failure... don't loose your self esteem, especially. It is usually what those of us feel who've been cheated on, but really, she made the choice, not you. Through-out the time you have done just what you thought she wanted, give her space.
Be strong, take care of yourself. For you. Affairs always knock the wind out of the other spouse. Even if they have had a slight feeling that something wasn't right... it can be a shock.
Just keep coming back and reading, asking and reading some more.
Also, I would like to encourage you to keep from allowing yourself to feel like a failure... don't loose your self esteem, especially. It is usually what those of us feel who've been cheated on, but really, she made the choice, not you. Through-out the time you have done just what you thought she wanted, give her space.
Be strong, take care of yourself. For you. Affairs always knock the wind out of the other spouse. Even if they have had a slight feeling that something wasn't right... it can be a shock.
Just keep coming back and reading, asking and reading some more.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
what is the one thing that EVERY drunk driver says to the policeman when they ask "how much did you have to drink tonite, sir?"
"only a couple" and then promptly fall out the car door onto the pavement.
apply that same approach to EVERYTHING your wife has told you. from how much she drank, how long she drank, the number of people she slept with, all of it. sure she is "admitting" things, but only enough to sound reasonable.
she said that one of the affairs lasted three years or longer. let's match that timeframe up with your statement:
Sexual abandonment for 5 years now. Emotional abandonment for the last year. She said she was trying to "lovingly-disconnect" which, from my understanding, meant that she would stop trying to control me. What she ended up doing is refusing to accept or receive any affection. She stopped talking to me, sometimes for months at a time. I tried to talk to her, to understand what was going on, but always received some statement that it was just part of her recovery process and she was working through childhood trauma, or that I'd done something that she didn't like, or just some excuse. Lots of excuses. Endless excuses
you don't suppose that is just coincidence, do you?
you don't deserve what you've been thru, you don't deserve the treatment and i'm sorry, but there won't be any awards handed out for staying a miserable loveless marriage to someone who treats you with disdain.
"only a couple" and then promptly fall out the car door onto the pavement.
apply that same approach to EVERYTHING your wife has told you. from how much she drank, how long she drank, the number of people she slept with, all of it. sure she is "admitting" things, but only enough to sound reasonable.
she said that one of the affairs lasted three years or longer. let's match that timeframe up with your statement:
Sexual abandonment for 5 years now. Emotional abandonment for the last year. She said she was trying to "lovingly-disconnect" which, from my understanding, meant that she would stop trying to control me. What she ended up doing is refusing to accept or receive any affection. She stopped talking to me, sometimes for months at a time. I tried to talk to her, to understand what was going on, but always received some statement that it was just part of her recovery process and she was working through childhood trauma, or that I'd done something that she didn't like, or just some excuse. Lots of excuses. Endless excuses
you don't suppose that is just coincidence, do you?
you don't deserve what you've been thru, you don't deserve the treatment and i'm sorry, but there won't be any awards handed out for staying a miserable loveless marriage to someone who treats you with disdain.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
I would suggest continuing to see the marriage therapist for a little while if you sense real effort on her part to improve the marriage . I would also suggest going to see a therapist on your own. And keep on track with what your doing building new hobbies, friendships, and things to lift you up.
My husband and I used both.
Does your wife still do therapy? Has she been diagnosed with any psychological disorders?
Honestly to me, it sounds like she had some emotional hole inside her and initially its why she was depressed and you filled the hole by devoting all your time to her, then she used alcohol to fill it, and now she is using her recovery activities to fill it. There is no balance is what I see. I dont see overall health.
I cant comment if she is an alcoholic, but its also possible shes convinced herself she is one, and has her identity wrapped around it now.
My husband and I used both.
Does your wife still do therapy? Has she been diagnosed with any psychological disorders?
Honestly to me, it sounds like she had some emotional hole inside her and initially its why she was depressed and you filled the hole by devoting all your time to her, then she used alcohol to fill it, and now she is using her recovery activities to fill it. There is no balance is what I see. I dont see overall health.
I cant comment if she is an alcoholic, but its also possible shes convinced herself she is one, and has her identity wrapped around it now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
two months ago I had enough. I told her I wanted a divorce, that I couldn't continue to live without my needs being met, without love or affection in my life.
Please evaluate that - maybe with the counselor on your own. That has nothing to do with her. You have to figure out why you would forgo taking care of yourself to work "with" her on the relationship (her actions seem to show that she just wants to pretend to work on it.)
The shock wore off and I find myself for the first time in my life feeling like a failure, lack of self-esteem, ego has taken a massive blow.
I'm sorry you and you kid are going through this - it's horrible. You are in the right place for support and empathy. (((Hug)))
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 112
It's hard to imagine right now, but codependents are always getting something out of such a dysfunctional relationship. May I suggest reading Codependent No More! It's really helped me realize I was drawn to people who needed fixing, as well as many other issues that I needed to address.
You deserve so much better! Our egos can be our own worse enemies!!
Glad you found SR and are realizing your needs matter!!
You deserve so much better! Our egos can be our own worse enemies!!
Glad you found SR and are realizing your needs matter!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I think you deserve better.
I hate to hear that you put up with this and live like this.
From what you have written, she sounds very selfish.
It all seems to centre on her and her issues and her recovery.
If you had a best friend and he lived like this and confided in you, what would you tell him to do?
Being a single parent can be hard.
I am one myself.
It can be tiring. It can be lonely.
However, its easier being on your own than being with someone who does not really want to be there or take an active part in marriage and family life.
Living your life treading on eggshells, worrying about what atmosphere will greet you when you get home, and being ignored is no way to live.
Please keep coming here.
I wish you the best.
I hate to hear that you put up with this and live like this.
From what you have written, she sounds very selfish.
It all seems to centre on her and her issues and her recovery.
If you had a best friend and he lived like this and confided in you, what would you tell him to do?
Being a single parent can be hard.
I am one myself.
It can be tiring. It can be lonely.
However, its easier being on your own than being with someone who does not really want to be there or take an active part in marriage and family life.
Living your life treading on eggshells, worrying about what atmosphere will greet you when you get home, and being ignored is no way to live.
Please keep coming here.
I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I'm sorry to be so blunt b,ut I don't see anything to work on here.
She's done some incredibly hurtful things to you while leading a secret life under the umbrella of "recovery".
He spent half a meeting explaining to me how it is common during the recovery process for a spouse to have inappropriate relationships and is part of the addiction and recovery process. Said the therapist unfamiliar with addiction or recovery. I know of no recovery process that says anything like this at all. What you will hear is it is common to relapse. 12 Step, specifically AA is going to tell her not to make any major changes for a year. If she were single she would be told not to get into a relationship - obviously if married that would not be applicable.
When someone is unfaithful in a marriage, and wishes to put the pieces back together they don't act like she is. She should be absolutely transparent to you. She earned your distrust - she needs to earn your trust back. Part of the amends process is to alleviate the fear that they are "up to no good"! Instead you get arguments, projection, accusation. She doesn't talk to you and never apologizes. She sounds like she has a personality disorder to me but who knows.
What I do know is you don't deserve to live like this.
She's done some incredibly hurtful things to you while leading a secret life under the umbrella of "recovery".
He spent half a meeting explaining to me how it is common during the recovery process for a spouse to have inappropriate relationships and is part of the addiction and recovery process. Said the therapist unfamiliar with addiction or recovery. I know of no recovery process that says anything like this at all. What you will hear is it is common to relapse. 12 Step, specifically AA is going to tell her not to make any major changes for a year. If she were single she would be told not to get into a relationship - obviously if married that would not be applicable.
When someone is unfaithful in a marriage, and wishes to put the pieces back together they don't act like she is. She should be absolutely transparent to you. She earned your distrust - she needs to earn your trust back. Part of the amends process is to alleviate the fear that they are "up to no good"! Instead you get arguments, projection, accusation. She doesn't talk to you and never apologizes. She sounds like she has a personality disorder to me but who knows.
What I do know is you don't deserve to live like this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
You claim to be a "newbie", and I have been working my AlAnon program for the past year and a half- the entire time my partner and I have been separated.
I salute you for the clarity you apparently have achieved about what needs to happen with your marriage. I haven't gotten there yet, probably due to holding onto hope that things will turn around for us somehow.
The post someone put up about a marriage certificate not making people "married" really hit home. My partner goes on vacation without me. I find out after the fact. If there is someone else, I will be the least surprised in all the world.
I am glad you are here among us. You bring your own strengths and experience to us.
I salute you for the clarity you apparently have achieved about what needs to happen with your marriage. I haven't gotten there yet, probably due to holding onto hope that things will turn around for us somehow.
The post someone put up about a marriage certificate not making people "married" really hit home. My partner goes on vacation without me. I find out after the fact. If there is someone else, I will be the least surprised in all the world.
I am glad you are here among us. You bring your own strengths and experience to us.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I just wanted to normalize your situation for you.
It was my husband's affair (after about five years of realizing alcohol was a problem in our relationship) that FINALLY got me dealing with the elephant in the room.
I don't like the lessons that have presented themselves to me around that situation, but the learning has truly been invaluable.
In my experience only I was expecting that the person who had hurt me, would also help heal me.....I started to get better when I realized I needed to heal myself and keep the focus on me, myself and I. That is not to discount another person or my relationship but I had spent too much time about the other person and had not developed a relationship with myself.
It was my husband's affair (after about five years of realizing alcohol was a problem in our relationship) that FINALLY got me dealing with the elephant in the room.
I don't like the lessons that have presented themselves to me around that situation, but the learning has truly been invaluable.
In my experience only I was expecting that the person who had hurt me, would also help heal me.....I started to get better when I realized I needed to heal myself and keep the focus on me, myself and I. That is not to discount another person or my relationship but I had spent too much time about the other person and had not developed a relationship with myself.
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 165
Active addicts are active addicts. If it isn't drink, it sex, gambling, porn whatever they can get "high" on. Your wife is seeking new stimulation, new drugs. I've said it 100x on this site. Not all therapist, sponsors and counselors are good and if you are married, whatever trash the spouse is learning will be dragged through your door. This man is an ass. That is all you need to understand. It may be common for many, but betrayal is not exceptable . He is giving your wife permission to be as self centered, selfish, pleasure seeking and irresponsible as if she were still drinking. I hate this attitude that anything goes in the name of "my recovery". You have put up with too much as it is and deserve better. If she wants walk around like a glow worm, let her, but not on your time.
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Originally Posted by BlueChair
I would suggest continuing to see the marriage therapist for a little while if you sense real effort on her part to improve the marriage . I would also suggest going to see a therapist on your own. And keep on track with what your doing building new hobbies, friendships, and things to lift you up.
My husband and I used both.
Does your wife still do therapy? Has she been diagnosed with any psychological disorders?
Honestly to me, it sounds like she had some emotional hole inside her and initially its why she was depressed and you filled the hole by devoting all your time to her, then she used alcohol to fill it, and now she is using her recovery activities to fill it. There is no balance is what I see. I dont see overall health.
I cant comment if she is an alcoholic, but its also possible shes convinced herself she is one, and has her identity wrapped around it now.
My husband and I used both.
Does your wife still do therapy? Has she been diagnosed with any psychological disorders?
Honestly to me, it sounds like she had some emotional hole inside her and initially its why she was depressed and you filled the hole by devoting all your time to her, then she used alcohol to fill it, and now she is using her recovery activities to fill it. There is no balance is what I see. I dont see overall health.
I cant comment if she is an alcoholic, but its also possible shes convinced herself she is one, and has her identity wrapped around it now.
Psychiatrist thought she might be borderline bipolar, but didn't diagnose her as such. Years of different meds, trying to find the right combos, but they basically gave up as nothing seemed to work. I'm not sure what she's taking now, if anything. An antidepressant to help her sleep, various homeopathic things, but I lost track awhile ago and she doesn't share anymore.
She goes to therapy, AA, al-anon, and some other kind of meeting where they work on workbooks.
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Originally Posted by Sasha4
I think you deserve better.
I hate to hear that you put up with this and live like this.
From what you have written, she sounds very selfish.
It all seems to centre on her and her issues and her recovery.
If you had a best friend and he lived like this and confided in you, what would you tell him to do?
Being a single parent can be hard.
I am one myself.
It can be tiring. It can be lonely.
However, its easier being on your own than being with someone who does not really want to be there or take an active part in marriage and family life.
Living your life treading on eggshells, worrying about what atmosphere will greet you when you get home, and being ignored is no way to live.
Please keep coming here.
I wish you the best.
I hate to hear that you put up with this and live like this.
From what you have written, she sounds very selfish.
It all seems to centre on her and her issues and her recovery.
If you had a best friend and he lived like this and confided in you, what would you tell him to do?
Being a single parent can be hard.
I am one myself.
It can be tiring. It can be lonely.
However, its easier being on your own than being with someone who does not really want to be there or take an active part in marriage and family life.
Living your life treading on eggshells, worrying about what atmosphere will greet you when you get home, and being ignored is no way to live.
Please keep coming here.
I wish you the best.
If I had a best friend that was going through this, I would tell him to leave, to let go, and move on with his life. It's not worth the pain of trying to fix something so fundamentally broken - the marriage and the wife.
The counter argument is the "in sickness and in health". There is no doubt that she is sick, mental illness, even if the doctors can't figure out how to diagnose her.
The dilemma I'm sure is the same as anyone that has been here - how much of myself do I sacrifice, how many more years do I give up. I'm at a breaking point, I'm not willing to give up much more of myself or my time.
That thread of hope that I hold onto makes it hard to let go, but ultimately I know I don't want to continue the way things are. She was my best friend, at times my only friend, and we have a lot of shared history. I don't want to let that go. I don't want to continue living the way things have been. Can the marriage evolve and improve? Can we take that next step and have the happy ending? I know it's not likely, but that slim chance keeps me holding on. I've set a deadline and if I don't see the improvement I want, then I'm ending the marriage. I've not shared this deadline beyond a vague idea with the spouse or the marriage councilor, but I'm holding myself to it. I'm keeping it from the therapist because I get the sense of "just a few more sessions" might go on for years. I'll give him the time he told me he'd need, but after that I'm done. (Just have to keep holding myself to this and not give in).
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
I'm sorry to be so blunt b,ut I don't see anything to work on here.
She's done some incredibly hurtful things to you while leading a secret life under the umbrella of "recovery".
He spent half a meeting explaining to me how it is common during the recovery process for a spouse to have inappropriate relationships and is part of the addiction and recovery process. Said the therapist unfamiliar with addiction or recovery. I know of no recovery process that says anything like this at all. What you will hear is it is common to relapse. 12 Step, specifically AA is going to tell her not to make any major changes for a year. If she were single she would be told not to get into a relationship - obviously if married that would not be applicable.
When someone is unfaithful in a marriage, and wishes to put the pieces back together they don't act like she is. She should be absolutely transparent to you. She earned your distrust - she needs to earn your trust back. Part of the amends process is to alleviate the fear that they are "up to no good"! Instead you get arguments, projection, accusation. She doesn't talk to you and never apologizes. She sounds like she has a personality disorder to me but who knows.
What I do know is you don't deserve to live like this.
She's done some incredibly hurtful things to you while leading a secret life under the umbrella of "recovery".
He spent half a meeting explaining to me how it is common during the recovery process for a spouse to have inappropriate relationships and is part of the addiction and recovery process. Said the therapist unfamiliar with addiction or recovery. I know of no recovery process that says anything like this at all. What you will hear is it is common to relapse. 12 Step, specifically AA is going to tell her not to make any major changes for a year. If she were single she would be told not to get into a relationship - obviously if married that would not be applicable.
When someone is unfaithful in a marriage, and wishes to put the pieces back together they don't act like she is. She should be absolutely transparent to you. She earned your distrust - she needs to earn your trust back. Part of the amends process is to alleviate the fear that they are "up to no good"! Instead you get arguments, projection, accusation. She doesn't talk to you and never apologizes. She sounds like she has a personality disorder to me but who knows.
What I do know is you don't deserve to live like this.
It boggles my mind that I've trusted her to do the program, get herself healthy, and yet the stuff I've been learning today says that she's not really working the steps. It's worse than I can understand right now, it's going to take me some time to process this.
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Originally Posted by Eauchiche
You claim to be a "newbie", and I have been working my AlAnon program for the past year and a half- the entire time my partner and I have been separated.
I salute you for the clarity you apparently have achieved about what needs to happen with your marriage. I haven't gotten there yet, probably due to holding onto hope that things will turn around for us somehow.
The post someone put up about a marriage certificate not making people "married" really hit home. My partner goes on vacation without me. I find out after the fact. If there is someone else, I will be the least surprised in all the world.
I am glad you are here among us. You bring your own strengths and experience to us.
I salute you for the clarity you apparently have achieved about what needs to happen with your marriage. I haven't gotten there yet, probably due to holding onto hope that things will turn around for us somehow.
The post someone put up about a marriage certificate not making people "married" really hit home. My partner goes on vacation without me. I find out after the fact. If there is someone else, I will be the least surprised in all the world.
I am glad you are here among us. You bring your own strengths and experience to us.
I'm holding onto a marriage and the remembrance of what it could be like. I'm scared to let go. I am the child of multiple divorces and I don't want that for my child. There are things that I struggle to understand, and to gain clarity I need knowledge. I need to know what recovery should look like. I need to know what's "normal". I'm so close to the problem that I can't see clearly. I go back to patterns of behavior that have been ingrained - take care of the kid, provide for the family, do the shopping, do the yard work, let the wife get the help she needs, give up my life so that she can get better. I've been doing this a long time, it's become habit. To break that pattern is hard but I believe I'm doing it. Having a third party therapist involved may end up being the key. Time will tell. In the meantime, I need knowledge and understanding of things I've ignored for too long.
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Some may disagree with me on here, but I believe one of the underlying and common threads to most alcoholics is a very selfish nature and some narcissism in the mix. It's all about them. I don't know if it's the alcohol that morphs their personalities or if it's the personality that latches onto the alcohol abuse. (Horse or the cart first thing).
I finally had enough of the selfishness and unwillingness to learn and change from my now XAH. I tried to be patient as you have for years. Nearly 12 years worth. They sometimes just don't "get it". Never will- the Earth, Moon and Sun revolve around them and their needs, and you are just a speck in the way. I do not know that my XAH was cheating, but I know some unsavory things went on that were not "right". I would take a long look at what you are getting out of the relationship what is keeping you there at this point. I know it's hard to leave someone when your life has been so entwined with another's. My divorce has only been final for 4 days now, but already I am feeling relieved that my responsibility and expectations for another person to act as a I feel a husband should is no longer in play. It took me a very long time to get to this point, and everyone is ready at their own time, and some never are. It's very individual. Maybe go to alanon yourself and listen in on other's stories. All of it will help you to think thru things in your own life from different perspectives. Also, I suggest you read what you can about codependency. Educating yourself is sometimes your best defense.
I finally had enough of the selfishness and unwillingness to learn and change from my now XAH. I tried to be patient as you have for years. Nearly 12 years worth. They sometimes just don't "get it". Never will- the Earth, Moon and Sun revolve around them and their needs, and you are just a speck in the way. I do not know that my XAH was cheating, but I know some unsavory things went on that were not "right". I would take a long look at what you are getting out of the relationship what is keeping you there at this point. I know it's hard to leave someone when your life has been so entwined with another's. My divorce has only been final for 4 days now, but already I am feeling relieved that my responsibility and expectations for another person to act as a I feel a husband should is no longer in play. It took me a very long time to get to this point, and everyone is ready at their own time, and some never are. It's very individual. Maybe go to alanon yourself and listen in on other's stories. All of it will help you to think thru things in your own life from different perspectives. Also, I suggest you read what you can about codependency. Educating yourself is sometimes your best defense.
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