Is this considered emotional manipulation?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
Is this considered emotional manipulation?
Or am I overreacting?
I left my exbf a little over two months ago. I never accused him straight out of alcoholism but told him a number of times I was uncomfortable with his drinking. The last straw that caused the break up was when he told me he was going to the store at 11pm and hadn't come back at 1am. I took a cab home. Then when we were going to discuss the event he went to the bar first and I told him I wasn't discussing it while he was drunk.
Now the issue at hand...I had been on my way to recovery..therapy... Reading book after book...coda...alanon. He contacted me to see how I was. Then he asked if we could meet. I reluctantly agreed. Thirty minutes before our meeting I get a text "I'm unsure what meeting today is going to accomplish"
I'm instantly annoyed. I asked him why even contact me? His response is "I miss you but I don't miss where we were at" I informed him he created a lot of our problems. Then I told him unless he's made changes he can't contact me. His response "I'm on the path I'm just unsure anything would be different."
Why contact me if you're going to play games? I'm so infuriated now. He set me back so much with this. This seems like manipulation to me. Like he's trying to get me to beg for him?
I left my exbf a little over two months ago. I never accused him straight out of alcoholism but told him a number of times I was uncomfortable with his drinking. The last straw that caused the break up was when he told me he was going to the store at 11pm and hadn't come back at 1am. I took a cab home. Then when we were going to discuss the event he went to the bar first and I told him I wasn't discussing it while he was drunk.
Now the issue at hand...I had been on my way to recovery..therapy... Reading book after book...coda...alanon. He contacted me to see how I was. Then he asked if we could meet. I reluctantly agreed. Thirty minutes before our meeting I get a text "I'm unsure what meeting today is going to accomplish"
I'm instantly annoyed. I asked him why even contact me? His response is "I miss you but I don't miss where we were at" I informed him he created a lot of our problems. Then I told him unless he's made changes he can't contact me. His response "I'm on the path I'm just unsure anything would be different."
Why contact me if you're going to play games? I'm so infuriated now. He set me back so much with this. This seems like manipulation to me. Like he's trying to get me to beg for him?
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
I have a BS decoder. I plugged these in and this is what I got:
"I'm unsure what meeting today is going to accomplish."
I assume you're still planning to talk about my drinking. I don't want to or plan to change anything about that, so our meeting will be a waste of your time. So I'd like to skip the meeting and just pretend this isn't a problem.
"I miss you but I don't miss where we were at."
I don't like accountability and responsibility, and I don't want to answer to you for my hurtful behavior or actions. If you can just let all that slide, I'd love to spend every day with you when I feel like it.
"I'm unsure what meeting today is going to accomplish."
I assume you're still planning to talk about my drinking. I don't want to or plan to change anything about that, so our meeting will be a waste of your time. So I'd like to skip the meeting and just pretend this isn't a problem.
"I miss you but I don't miss where we were at."
I don't like accountability and responsibility, and I don't want to answer to you for my hurtful behavior or actions. If you can just let all that slide, I'd love to spend every day with you when I feel like it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: NJ
Posts: 95
Praying--Can I have you as my decoder on a minute by minute basis! As I am trying to rewire my codependent self punishing needy brain, I am in need of an outside objective decoder before I ever respond to anything! or wait, would that just be similarly codependently unhealthy ?? 
see this is all new to me and really trying to understand and think differently as much as I can since my old ways seem to have many costs
see this is all new to me and really trying to understand and think differently as much as I can since my old ways seem to have many costs
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Praying....ha! I call mine the alcoholic decoder but same nonetheless. You put in garbage and out comes the truth 
and yes, OP, totally typical of an alcoholic....in fact I've been told almost those exact things many times. Typical alkie BS.
and yes, OP, totally typical of an alcoholic....in fact I've been told almost those exact things many times. Typical alkie BS.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by Praying 
I have a BS decoder. I plugged these in and this is what I got:
"I'm unsure what meeting today is going to accomplish."
I assume you're still planning to talk about my drinking. I don't want to or plan to change anything about that, so our meeting will be a waste of your time. So I'd like to skip the meeting and just pretend this isn't a problem.
"I miss you but I don't miss where we were at."
I don't like accountability and responsibility, and I don't want to answer to you for my hurtful behavior or actions. If you can just let all that slide, I'd love to spend every day with you when I feel like it.
"I'm unsure what meeting today is going to accomplish."
I assume you're still planning to talk about my drinking. I don't want to or plan to change anything about that, so our meeting will be a waste of your time. So I'd like to skip the meeting and just pretend this isn't a problem.
"I miss you but I don't miss where we were at."
I don't like accountability and responsibility, and I don't want to answer to you for my hurtful behavior or actions. If you can just let all that slide, I'd love to spend every day with you when I feel like it.
The BS decoder reminds me of a pre-digital version my paternal grandmother had over 40 years ago. It was a wooden block with a handle you would turn, that caused two cogs to travel back and forth within their respective tracks. On the bottom of the device, it was labeled as a "B.S. Grinder."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Originally Posted by Eauchiche
The BS decoder reminds me of a pre-digital version my paternal grandmother had over 40 years ago. It was a wooden block with a handle you would turn, that caused two cogs to travel back and forth within their respective tracks. On the bottom of the device, it was labeled as a "B.S. Grinder."
For the record, the BS decoder is strikingly similar to my alcoholic decoder, AND my narcissistic decoder. I might have gotten ripped off buying all three. Same product, different label?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 46
I'm sorry if this is inappropriate, but some of these responses literally made me laugh out loud a little bit. Of course the replies are all correct though! Can I get in line to borrow that decoder? Where do I take a number?!
Ap052183, I'm sorry you're going through this, and that you feel like this recent development set you back. I went through the exact same thing with my ex, several times over. Although it hurt like hell every time, each time also gave me a little more strength, and helped me get to the point where I was able to go no contact. And you will get there, too.
Ap052183, I'm sorry you're going through this, and that you feel like this recent development set you back. I went through the exact same thing with my ex, several times over. Although it hurt like hell every time, each time also gave me a little more strength, and helped me get to the point where I was able to go no contact. And you will get there, too.
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