I never realized I was in an abusive relationship.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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I never realized I was in an abusive relationship.
I feel like I've been posting a lot lately, but so much is coming up for me these days, and this truthfully is the only place I know to talk about all of it...
I went to therapy yesterday morning, and during the course of my usual sit-down-and-cry-for-an-hour routine, my therapist gently pointed out that, while she didn't want to trigger me, I am being victimized in my current relationship. She said she would even go so far as to characterize it as an abusive relationship, and pointed out that I was using a lot of language that is common to people who are being victimized.
This came up in the context of a conversation about an incident where my ABF locked my friends and me out of my apartment and basically blockaded the door, wouldn't let us in, and was yelling at us to leave. What followed was my ABF texting one of my best friends and calling her names and blaming her for the fact that I had been drinking (I was at a book club with all my girlfriends. There was wine. So what?). My therapist pointed out that the idea that I was being physically prevented from entering my space is incredibly problematic, whether or not ABF was upset with me. He could have let us in and quietly pulled me aside to say that it made him uncomfortable to have us in the apartment when we had been drinking, but instead, he went nuts.
There are a zillion other examples of this kind of behavior, but I guess I just never thought of it as being abusive. Now I see quite clearly that it is. It's disturbing to me that I never recognized this stuff for what it is - I've worked extensively with victims of domestic violence, and now that I'm a criminal defense attorney, I still encounter situations like this daily. I AM using the language of someone who has been victimized - I feel like this is my fault somehow, that this is my failure, that everyone is going to be disappointed in ME, that if I had just tried harder or been more understanding, this could have worked. Rationally, I know none of that is true. Emotionally, I'm still working through it.
It just totally rocked my world to hear all this verbalized to me from someone who is ostensibly fairly objective. I told my friends about it, and they were like, "Yeah, duh," but I can't say enough how much I never would have recognized this for what it is. And I'm STILL like - well, maybe I'm making too much of a big deal out of these events, maybe I'm overreacting, maybe it isn't that bad...yep. Still doing that whole dance.
So now I need a plan. I need a plan to leave. ABF has never laid a hand on me, but given how badly he has reacted to minor problems...who knows what could happened. Therapist said I should be prepared for anything - it could go totally smoothly, or I could have to call the police to get my stuff back and file a restraining order. That all sounds so extreme to me. I can't wrap my head around this being a reality.
God, this is hard. And I'm sitting here tearing up because I still love him so much, even though I know what I need to do. I wish I could just shut off my feelings and stop remembering the good things between us, because clearly the bad things far, far outweigh them.
I went to therapy yesterday morning, and during the course of my usual sit-down-and-cry-for-an-hour routine, my therapist gently pointed out that, while she didn't want to trigger me, I am being victimized in my current relationship. She said she would even go so far as to characterize it as an abusive relationship, and pointed out that I was using a lot of language that is common to people who are being victimized.
This came up in the context of a conversation about an incident where my ABF locked my friends and me out of my apartment and basically blockaded the door, wouldn't let us in, and was yelling at us to leave. What followed was my ABF texting one of my best friends and calling her names and blaming her for the fact that I had been drinking (I was at a book club with all my girlfriends. There was wine. So what?). My therapist pointed out that the idea that I was being physically prevented from entering my space is incredibly problematic, whether or not ABF was upset with me. He could have let us in and quietly pulled me aside to say that it made him uncomfortable to have us in the apartment when we had been drinking, but instead, he went nuts.
There are a zillion other examples of this kind of behavior, but I guess I just never thought of it as being abusive. Now I see quite clearly that it is. It's disturbing to me that I never recognized this stuff for what it is - I've worked extensively with victims of domestic violence, and now that I'm a criminal defense attorney, I still encounter situations like this daily. I AM using the language of someone who has been victimized - I feel like this is my fault somehow, that this is my failure, that everyone is going to be disappointed in ME, that if I had just tried harder or been more understanding, this could have worked. Rationally, I know none of that is true. Emotionally, I'm still working through it.
It just totally rocked my world to hear all this verbalized to me from someone who is ostensibly fairly objective. I told my friends about it, and they were like, "Yeah, duh," but I can't say enough how much I never would have recognized this for what it is. And I'm STILL like - well, maybe I'm making too much of a big deal out of these events, maybe I'm overreacting, maybe it isn't that bad...yep. Still doing that whole dance.
So now I need a plan. I need a plan to leave. ABF has never laid a hand on me, but given how badly he has reacted to minor problems...who knows what could happened. Therapist said I should be prepared for anything - it could go totally smoothly, or I could have to call the police to get my stuff back and file a restraining order. That all sounds so extreme to me. I can't wrap my head around this being a reality.
God, this is hard. And I'm sitting here tearing up because I still love him so much, even though I know what I need to do. I wish I could just shut off my feelings and stop remembering the good things between us, because clearly the bad things far, far outweigh them.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I am really sorry for your pain. Hon, you are not the only one who didn't realize they were in an abusive relationship. Abuse can be very insidious. People can also "trick" themselves just like an alcoholic in denial that they have a problem. Acknowledge the abuse - gotta do something about it. Make sense?
Feeling that his abuse if your failure is a very common feeling amongst victims of abuse. Honestly, its a major reason why they stay in it because they think its THEIR fault - if only they had......if only they didn't.......... FILL IN THE BLANK. Maybe you even thought "if only I hadn't drank, if only I hadn't brought the girls back to the house, if only I got home earlier". You have a two fold issue here cause not only did he abuse you he then abused your friend and placed the blame on her. Nice guy.
Heed the advice and warning of your therapist. I believe abuse is progressive and suspect she is seeing that. Keep in mind that remembering the "good times" is a defense mechanism. There is way more bad here to be had than good.
How can we help you make a plan?
Feeling that his abuse if your failure is a very common feeling amongst victims of abuse. Honestly, its a major reason why they stay in it because they think its THEIR fault - if only they had......if only they didn't.......... FILL IN THE BLANK. Maybe you even thought "if only I hadn't drank, if only I hadn't brought the girls back to the house, if only I got home earlier". You have a two fold issue here cause not only did he abuse you he then abused your friend and placed the blame on her. Nice guy.
Heed the advice and warning of your therapist. I believe abuse is progressive and suspect she is seeing that. Keep in mind that remembering the "good times" is a defense mechanism. There is way more bad here to be had than good.
How can we help you make a plan?
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Washington
Posts: 54
Ditto. Most of us don't realize the abuse until later or after we leave. It creeps up slowly in most cases and escalates over time. I suggest you read the other thread " why we stayed in abusive relationships. ". With time I think we all remember the good about our significant other. What we need to not forget is the bad so that we can hopefully not do a repeat. Please take steps to keep yourself safe.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
I cried when I read this...I feel the same way right now...like it's my mostly my fault...I didn't try hard enough, if I would've done something different...said it a different way...maybe it wasn't such a big deal...I should have been there for him...I should have got him out of jail...this is my heart talking and feeling. My head tells me he isn't thinking these things like, "it's my fault...what could I have done differently...I should never have treated her that way...I need help..."
I should be relieved I am out of that house, but I am so depressed, can't sleep, hardly eat...I still love him...but I too love the man when he is sweet, loving, says nice things to me, hugs me, tells me I am a good woman, but then later that night or next day he is calling me names...confusing and it is the cycle.
I know I am telling my story and this is about your situation...I just wanted you to know that I have gone through the same thing and feel the same way...I have been on the fence about leaving my AH for the past 6 months...I started to make a plan B...called apartments for prices...had a realtor send me rental houses listings...I also started a journal at work to document the things he said and did.
Deep down I always thought he was a good person...maybe he is, but I have to realize that he is very sick....and now that I have been away for three days I am starting to understand that he was making me sick too...start documenting...read books on verbal/emotional abuse...reach out to your friends and family and let them know you are not happy. You don't have to tell them everything, just know they can help you when you decide to make a move. Hugs to you...I know it hurts. I am crying every day but I pray it will get better...
I should be relieved I am out of that house, but I am so depressed, can't sleep, hardly eat...I still love him...but I too love the man when he is sweet, loving, says nice things to me, hugs me, tells me I am a good woman, but then later that night or next day he is calling me names...confusing and it is the cycle.
I know I am telling my story and this is about your situation...I just wanted you to know that I have gone through the same thing and feel the same way...I have been on the fence about leaving my AH for the past 6 months...I started to make a plan B...called apartments for prices...had a realtor send me rental houses listings...I also started a journal at work to document the things he said and did.
Deep down I always thought he was a good person...maybe he is, but I have to realize that he is very sick....and now that I have been away for three days I am starting to understand that he was making me sick too...start documenting...read books on verbal/emotional abuse...reach out to your friends and family and let them know you are not happy. You don't have to tell them everything, just know they can help you when you decide to make a move. Hugs to you...I know it hurts. I am crying every day but I pray it will get better...
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I was the same way. I characterized my XAH as many things, but not really abusive. However, he did always emotionally abuse me, which I think is the worst, how it gets into your head.
On the last day, when I actually kicked him out, he did put his hands on me, and my children swear that had they not ran upstairs that he would have hit them. The remain scared of their father on some levels, however, through counseling, we (my children and I) have all gotten to a much better place.
I am glad you are in therapy, and that you realize rationally that you have to get away from him. It can and does progress many times to physical abuse, as I am sure you already know.
Take good care of you. Keep posting, we will walk this with you!
XXX
On the last day, when I actually kicked him out, he did put his hands on me, and my children swear that had they not ran upstairs that he would have hit them. The remain scared of their father on some levels, however, through counseling, we (my children and I) have all gotten to a much better place.
I am glad you are in therapy, and that you realize rationally that you have to get away from him. It can and does progress many times to physical abuse, as I am sure you already know.
Take good care of you. Keep posting, we will walk this with you!
XXX
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Our knowledge and our feelings eventually align in this journey. Rest assured of that.
Also - i have to parrot what's been said in here from time to time that "anyone living with alcoholism is also living with some form of abuse." So yeah - you are not alone there AT ALL!
Your post really registers with me. Same boat - I HAVE to leave. Having a hard time doing what is best for myself. We'll get there - it is hard - we all have eachother here!
Sidenote on your avatar - soccer fan here too - Womens WC is great this year - GO USA!! (and Germany!!
)
Also - i have to parrot what's been said in here from time to time that "anyone living with alcoholism is also living with some form of abuse." So yeah - you are not alone there AT ALL!
Your post really registers with me. Same boat - I HAVE to leave. Having a hard time doing what is best for myself. We'll get there - it is hard - we all have eachother here!
Sidenote on your avatar - soccer fan here too - Womens WC is great this year - GO USA!! (and Germany!!
)
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 91
Thank you all. I really appreciate all of your responses. It's so unbelievably comforting to find a group of people who understand what I'm going through and who don't think I'm crazy.
I'm still working on trying to reconcile the idea that this is an abusive relationship. ABF has been very well-behaved these past couple of weeks, and that makes me question everything. Again, as I said above, logic tells me that just because he's well-behaved ninety percent of the time, doesn't mean that that other ten percent isn't completely unacceptable. It just feels odd. Does that make sense?
I don't have a good plan yet, but I'm working on one. My goal is to get this all straightened out by the beginning of August. One of my friends thinks that time frame is too long, but if this is going to involve me moving out, it might have to be that way. I can go stay with friends if things really get hairy before that. The other thing I'm thinking about is the fact that I REALLY do not want to leave my apartment. I don't feel like I should have to. I'm the one who found this place, I lived here for a year before he moved in, and frankly, he's never liked it here. I love the location, the price is right, and I'm pretty well-settled here. I'm not sure how to flesh that out - I suppose logistically, if I'm the one leaving...then I may well physically have to leave as well. I'm just bummed about that part of it.
Oh, and firebolt - the women's WC is fantastic this year! Though clearly I am still holding on to Italy's win in 2006....can't BELIEVE that was so long ago! It feels like just yesterday....
I'm still working on trying to reconcile the idea that this is an abusive relationship. ABF has been very well-behaved these past couple of weeks, and that makes me question everything. Again, as I said above, logic tells me that just because he's well-behaved ninety percent of the time, doesn't mean that that other ten percent isn't completely unacceptable. It just feels odd. Does that make sense?
I don't have a good plan yet, but I'm working on one. My goal is to get this all straightened out by the beginning of August. One of my friends thinks that time frame is too long, but if this is going to involve me moving out, it might have to be that way. I can go stay with friends if things really get hairy before that. The other thing I'm thinking about is the fact that I REALLY do not want to leave my apartment. I don't feel like I should have to. I'm the one who found this place, I lived here for a year before he moved in, and frankly, he's never liked it here. I love the location, the price is right, and I'm pretty well-settled here. I'm not sure how to flesh that out - I suppose logistically, if I'm the one leaving...then I may well physically have to leave as well. I'm just bummed about that part of it.
Oh, and firebolt - the women's WC is fantastic this year! Though clearly I am still holding on to Italy's win in 2006....can't BELIEVE that was so long ago! It feels like just yesterday....
Last edited by theseithakas; 06-26-2015 at 03:47 AM. Reason: forgot to finish post
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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When is the lease up?
You could ask him to move, if he doesn't like it there then that would be logical. However, A's aren't logical and he sounds like the kind that would stay (even though he doesn't like it) just to pi$$ you off.
The good news is in times that I have had to make changes, some I did not want to, the door that opened ended up being a better option.
You could ask him to move, if he doesn't like it there then that would be logical. However, A's aren't logical and he sounds like the kind that would stay (even though he doesn't like it) just to pi$$ you off.
The good news is in times that I have had to make changes, some I did not want to, the door that opened ended up being a better option.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Oh, and firebolt - the women's WC is fantastic this year! Though clearly I am still holding on to Italy's win in 2006....can't BELIEVE that was so long ago! It feels like just yesterday....
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