johnno1

Arr ok im bank again, I left hubby about 6weeks ago and he definitly wasnt 'that bad' compared to most on here but hey I ended up being a unloving wife and lost respect at the end of the day.

why why why am I so damn concern about what his family and friends think....grrrr will I get over this!?? As on the outside looking in he was a totally devoted husband, provided well for me and the kids never nasty drunk just absent from us drunk. But after all he does for us how dare I leave him etc

I wish I didnt care what others thought. I wish I could truly beleive what others think of me is none of my business.

Is this hard to get to this space? I havnt been to al alon for about 6 weeks as getting babysitting is hard I need to go back!!

redatlanta

Eh - I think its a little human nature to be concerned what others think. We really can't control it at all. When couples split traditionally family and friends side with one or the other. That's just the way it goes, becomes complicated and uncomfortable for those in the middle.

His family and friends are not yours you know what I mean? While we may have a loving a good relationship with in-laws most of the time they will always "side" with their child. When you split from a husband you are also divorcing his family and it hurts everyone. If personifying you as the "bad" one is what they are doing its not unusual, and probably a lot of what they think is based on what your husband is telling them about you. I doubt it is positive

How to get over it? Accept you can't control it. Later on down the line things may change or not. Get through the separation one day at a time and rely on your own family and friends.

marie1960

Choose to disregard the meaningless words of others. They don't live in your skin, they truly do not know what you live behind closed doors. These people are more concerned about being gossips, than your well being.

Those that truly care, will be present in your daily life. They will offer support, those that degrade and dismiss your choice, really are not friends.

While we cannot choose our family, we do have the choice to NOT discuss certain life issues with them. Often family members are clueless, they do not understand this disease, and even those with the best intentions, offer unhelpful suggestions.

Hang in there, keep believing in you. It will get easier, promise.

hopeful4

I get it. This is pretty new for you. It does get better. Thing is, just continue to be you...who you are. People will begin to judge you based on just that...you. Blood is thicker than water, so his family may never see differently, and that is completely ok b/c it's completely out of your control. He may tell lies. If someone tells you directly, be calm, tell them it's not true, and move on. The more you engage with things to do with him, the more it continues.

Many hugs to you!

firebolt

This is kind of a fake it till you make it deal. I did, not totally there yet, but it has changed my life. YOU are a good person. Your friends and family know it. That is all that matters.

Back to basics, and Dr Seuss:

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”

No truer words ever spoken.

SadInTX

I am only 3 days into the separation and I can understand. My SIL did text me to see how I was doing...(I am not good) ..I appreciated her reaching out...makes me feel that she knows there are two sides to the story...but his family will side with him. I too have guilty feelings...it wasn't so bad as a lot out on the forum...but it was bad enough for me and my kids...I have to concentrate on that.
I know I probably shouldn't be offering my opinion since I don't have a lot of time here or in my situation but I appreciate you posting since I am feeling the same! I don't have family where I am at so his family was all I had...and now that is gone...
He will probably be telling lies so it won't sound so bad to them. But remember, they do not have to live with him 24/7 like you did...it is very different to be around an A for a family get together and then they leave...you had to go home with him and deal with the turmoil on a daily basis...exhausting..

aasharon90

I understand family and mine do thrive
on gossip. However, because I made a
choice to separate myself physically,
mentally, emotionally and verbally out
of my family, then I have privacy, peace
of mind, contentment, sobriety, etc.
from them.

I have always worried what others thought
about me, how I appear to them, not being
up to their standards, less than, always self
absorbed that it made me sick before, during
and after my addiction to alcohol.

It was getting into recovery applying
all that was taught to me, living with
a program of recovery to guide me,
strengthen me, provide me with healthier
solution when it comes to dealing with
people, places and things in everyday
life.

Today there is no room in my mind, heart
or soul for family or friends to rent free in
there. They will just have to find some other
place to live to accommodate all their latest
innuendos, insults, judgements, gossip etc.

Stay strong and healthy in heart, mind
and soul in all areas of your life.

CarmenLove

Johnno,

Just to say I understand and am going through this too.

I think what Hopeful said is really helpful. Especially the part about if you have engagement with them it just continues.