leem03

Sorry in advance for this being so long, but I'm just looking for some advice and feedback. I'm back on the downward slope of the rollercoaster. I am married to this man who is a bipolar alcoholic. Maybe you know someone similar. I can't figure out what the heck to do here. He can be a very abusive person when he is drinking. My truck is in the shop right now because last week he came home drunk & didn't want what I made for dinner, so he threw a fit. I tried to leave the house with my 4 year old and he came running after us. He slammed her bike up against the hood 5 times & then took other various objects & did the same things with them. Needless to say, the truck had seen better days. So eventually he went back in the house & we sped out of there to a hotel for the night. Now on Friday night of last week I'm in a rental car, since that one is in the shop. We went out bowling with some friends of his. Of course he gets drunk & gets mad at me because I didn't go deliver a hot dog to one of them. So he starts calling me all kinds of lovely words in front of everyone & says to leave. Well I wasn't moving. He took my purse & ran out of there. Dumped everything out of my purse & threw it against the wall because he couldn't find the keys, then he bashed in the side mirror on the rental & took off walking down the street. I pick my things up & go back inside. He tries calling & I ignore him. I'm thinking to myself that I hope he walks to the OW's & leaves me alone. So my dumb butt picks him up walking down the street two hours later after he's called 30 times because he broke his finger (From smashing in the mirror).

Now Thursday night he is home before I am at about 6:30pm and is snoring on the couch, after having too much to drink again...go figure! I make dinner & I look at his phone to see that he's text messaging the OW about how he loves her & misses her, etc etc. So he wakes up & asks me to go upstairs & get something off the dresser for him. Why I did I don't know, other than to keep the peace & for him not to tear anything up. I go up there & he has about 10 new outifts he bought me & laid out. Gee How nice, right! So I sit down & cry up in the bathroom for about 5 minutes & go back downstairs.

I say thank you that was really sweet of you to do that, but did you buy those BEFORE or AFTER you sent all of the love messages to your girlfriend????? He tells me before & says, you just don't understand. I care about her as a friend & love her as a friend because she is there to listen to me and she doesn't judge me. (I know it's really because he goes there drunk off his #ss & the stupid Bi#ch takes him in every time. So no she doesn't judge him she's just stupid!! So I can tell that this conversation isn't going to end up well so I get my daughter & head out in the car. He calls 2 minutes later to say he left. So we go back home after going by his local watering hole to make sure he was there. He calls about 9:00 to ask if he can come home. That he's sorry & he doesn't want to fight. I say come home if you want whatever. Then he asks me to go to dinner, I say no I'm not going you do whatever you want to do, I'm done playing your games. So I get my daughter & head back out in case he does come home & start up again. We go by the OW's & he's there in the parking lot waiting for her. I pull up & ask if he's gonna stay there & he tells me no. I honestly can't believe he was able to stand up. He was that drunk! So I leave there feeling ok because I dont have to worry about him coming home again that night. Isn't that sad that I'm happier knowing he's staying at the OW's place?

Ok so all of you are wonderin what the heck is wrong with me that I continue to put up with this! That's what I'm wondering too! What the heck can I do? I love him and want to help him get better. But I can't help him, I know that, he has to help himself.

So he comes home Friday morning at 7:30am. Of course an argument starts, but I'm really not mad. I just ask him to get his stuff out of the house and bring it all to his girlfriend's. I'm tired of playing his game. Most of his things are all still down in the dining room from when I packed it all up last month. We argue a bit more & he finishes getting ready and leaves. I leave out to take my daughter to school & go to work. While I'm dropping my daughter off I notice he took my purse. He took it right out of the car. Now why would he do this? Just to tick me off because he didn't get a big enough rise out of me when he came in this morning. I think I'm becoming more & more aware that I'm about done and I don't want to take it anymore. I call him & he of course denies taking it. So I knew he had to go to the golf store this morning so I head up there & use my spare key to his car to rummage through it to find my purse. It's not there. He comes out & is of course mad. I ended up taking some clothes out of the car that he just got back from the dry cleaners. Why did I take it??? Because he took my purse. Now I feel worse because he's making me do stupid things.

So I go home & look through the house to try to find my purse & did....it was in a kitchen cabinet. While looking for it I also discovered that he hid the hair dryer under the bed & hid my tootbrush & other things throughout the house as well. He did all of that this morning before he left, and thank goodness I had already used it all before he got there. Now what do I do......I hide all of his clean underwear & his razor & shaving cream. Just because! I can't believe I'm doing this crap. He's really driving me nuts. I really feel like a 10 year old. I don't know how else to get back at him other than to do the same to his stuff.

So that's why I'm telling you all of this stuff. You must all think I'm a complete looney tune now. But I guess I obviously don't care, because I just don't know what to do anymore. I need help here. I want to help this man overcome this drinking problem & get his head back on straight. I love him. I feel terrible that he continues to do this to himself and our family. Obviously I need to leave, so please don't tell me that. Please tell me something I can do to get away from him and overcome all of this Soap Opera life. I am going to try to make it to an Alanon meeting tonight. I want to help him so badly which is why I continue to stay. Again, obviously I'm not helping the situation, I just continue to make it worse by allowing it to continue.

I actually called a place about alcohol intervention. I talked to the guy there for about 10 minutes. I thought maybe that could be a last ditch effort. He told me it would cost $3-5000 for it and of course there is no guarantee it will work. I don't think it will work. I asked him & he said what usually happen is the alcoholic will face the music with the knowledge that if he doesn't get help that he will lose either his family...ie I would leave for good or he would lose his job...assuming his boss came. I don't think either of those things will help him. He could care less about his job and says he'd go out & get a better one & then losing me.......HA! Obviously he doesn't care about that or he would've changed already. So at least I just saved five grand. The guy on the phone did tell me though that you know he gets angry with you because he knows you're right and admitting that means admitting he has the problem.

Anyways! This darn thing is just so hard. I have always been someone to help others. It really is a defeat to me internally that I can't help the one person who I would do anything for. The one person who needs me the most I can't do a darn thing for! It's very frustrating. I just want him better, ya know? Regardless of whether he ends up with me or not, I want him better because I'm afraid of what will happen to him if he doesn't change his ways real soon. It's hard to step back & not help anymore because I know he's going to hurt himself more and I just want to stop the hurt. I want him to be ok.

Now you're thinking........but YOU need to be ok & your daughter needs to be ok. So that's where I have to try to focus now. I've given him everything I have and I can't give anymore because nothing I've done has worked.

I do love him, but I have to love my daughter more. Right now, as sad as it is, I can't love myself more, I just really feel like such a complete let down that this is what my life has become.

Oh & I put his clothes & shaving stuff back. I didn't want that to add to my guilt. He'll never even know they were missing.

Thank you all for reading this whole thing. I know it's long. I missed my alanon meeting so I WILL be at one on Sunday for sure. I hope to get more insight there.

leem03

hmmmm

Jalyn

Hi Leem,

I think you are solving the problem throughout the post. You need to go to the Alonon meeting ASAP. Get some moral support from the meeting and here. You may be very helpful and supportive to someone you love and you should be commended for that. However, you are not supporting or respecting yourself or your daughter by sticking with someone that does not sound like he wants to get better with or without your help.

Whatever you do, do not let his behavior make you feel guilty.

Good luck! Jalyn

nashvillewinner

Hey girl, I read the whole thing and still don't know what to say. I know if my husband had a girlfriend then he wouldn't have me. I'm sorry that you are hurting right now. Go to your Alanon meeting and keep your chin up. You deserve better.

Chy

I think you know the answers, you know what has to be done, it's time to heal yourself, get selfish, and make a plan.

leem03

Thank you for the replies. I gotta say Chy when I saw all the quotes on yours, I knew I what was coming. You are right. I do know what I have to do, so why the heck can't I get my butt in gear and get moving? What is still keeping me here????

People ask if I'm afraid of being on my own...that's not it. I know I can survive on my own. I know I will be happier not having to worry about him & his drunken where-abouts everyday. But fear yes....I'm afraid. I'm scared he will fall & not be able to get up. I know that shouldn't be my concern, but it is. Then again I think it's fear to that maybe me leaving will be what he needs to get his crap together. Maybe it's pride...like worrying that I am the underlying cause to this. That how can he possibly be better without me? Selfish of me? Maybe. Do I continue to hang on because I really am afraid he WILL BE better without me. That makes me really sad to think about. Ok so maybe I'm more messed up then I thought, but seriously I just want to help him & it kills me that I can't help him. I'm his wife.......a wife should be able to help her husband.

UGHHHHHHHH!!!

Don S

"I tried to leave the house with my 4 year old and he came running after us. He slammed her bike up against the hood 5 times & then took other various objects & did the same things with them."

Sorry, but that was all I needed to read.

You are involved with someone who is dangerous and abusive. I'm not telling you to leave him or any of that...I'm saying you need to protect yourself and your daughter as your first priority.

I don't know enough about AlAnon to know if it will help you in this situation. His alcohol abuse is just one issue, and it isn't one you can solve. I do know that there are organizations that will give you advice for how to protect yourself from someone who is dangerous when he is drunk. Look in your phone book under Crisis Intervention Services and consult with them. Please.

Don S

leem03

You are absolutely right Don. But I know there are people out here who have put up with much more. Crazy as it sounds, somehow we think we're helping the situation an it will just be worse if we try to do something else about it. I continue to struggle everyday with leaving. You have to know that he does have the good days too........that's also what makes it hard to leave. I know that he really is a good person and that the things he does is a direct result of the alcohol.....so see what I mean, I'm excusing the behavior. I shouldn't be doing that. There shouldn't be an excuse.

I am trying to get moving on with my life as i know many people here are. But I also know that there are recovering addicts here who have done similar things & have stopped their bad habits. I know he can change & I know he Wants to change....he just can't seem to figure out a way to actually get the change going.

Chy

Your fears are justified! It's certainly not easy moving on and letting go. Perhaps he does need to hit the pavment without the reassurance you'll be there to pick him up. If there is one thing you get from being here, please let it be, it's not your fault. Your not accountable for his choices. He's NEVER going to get it, accept it, admit, or find help for it, until he is ready. Your spinning your wheels in place if you think otherwise, and I know you know this, you just have to believe it!

Most of us alcoholics are good, loving, kind, compassionate people. But when we're drinking the fangs and tallons and venemous words, can't escape us, until we're ready to let go of our addiction, and work on staying sober.

You have difficult decisions to make, make those choices, that will allow you to have a better quality of life, easy? No! Doable, yes! Will it get better as you gain your independence? Absolutly! Good luck!

leem03

Thanks Chy....as an administrator, I say thank you for the site. This is my first day on here and already I feel like it helped some. I've never been a real drinker, actually I think I was only drunk one time in my life & I didn't like it, because I did't feel in CONTROL over what was going on. It amazes me that people enjoy feeling that way. To me it's scary as heck.

zoomer

Hi Leem (((((((huggys))))))) and welcome to SR. Well, there is a couple of other boards here as well to help you with your issues. Sometimes it easy to accept the illrational things that shock most people being we get use to it. LOL, I'm sort of like you thinking I'm helping people when I'm actually getting help. Yes you did help me today by being greatful I'm not in your shoes with all the violence any more. It's one thign to get pissed and thow things and have a little tantrum,it's another when the guy comes running after you and your child. I'm sort of amazed you don't drink being you think your incontrol,but your really not. Please don't let your child be a part of the hell you and your husband are creating.

leem03

Zoomer I didn't mean it to sound as if I'm in control of my situation, I know I'm not. I just mean physically in control of my body & mind. I choose the things I do and whether or not I like what I do, I do it out of my own free will. With the drinking, at least that one time, I'm in a haze, can't see clearly and wonder if I'm even going to keep being able to walk. That's the physical control I was speaking of. Sorry if I didn't get that across then or even now.

Other than that, thanks for telling me in not so many words that I'm just as crazy if not crazier than my alcoholic husband. I soberly choose to keep myself & my child in this environment and for that I must be completely nuts.

Jalyn

Leem, In your post you wrote that you feel like a wife should be able to help her husband. (Sorry but I have not yet figured out how to do the quote thing.) I had someone very close to me feel and say the same thing about her alcoholic, cocaine addict husband. I will not tell you the details but they went in and out with each other several times for about 3 years. It ended with him burning her house down by pouring gas on the Christmas tree on Christmas day night. This is the truth. Keep yourself safe. Keep your child safe. You can do this!

Best, Jalyn

zoomer

Hey Leem, you said the words I did not. You asked for advice,so I gave my exspericance. When I had violence around me, yes I walked in haze and stupior. Good luck to your child.

leem03

I am reluctantly responding to your post zoomer. I just look at the fact that you have been here a long time & must have some wisdom to give to others here or else you would be long gone by now. What I was not looking for while sharing my story was sheer criticism from people. I hoped that this would be a place for me to gain courage to do the leaving I know in my head that I have to do. What you have done on the other hand is is make me wonder why I shared at all. I know what I should be doing & your approach to rudeness is not a help at all. Maybe others have felt helped from your 4000 plus posts, but I have not.

Please remember not everyone is at your level of healing. Maybe once I've been on here long enough to post 4000 times I will be able to accept your harsh words, but for now all they appear to be is a slap in my face.

zoomer

Leem, there is two ther boards that can help you much better than I can. I simply have no tollarance of violence around children and you certainly do not seem like a victom to me,but perhaps liking it a little to be a myrtar. They are called Naranon and Friend's and Families of Alcoholics. LOL, ya I'v been around here for a long time and sometimes come up against posters like you. I'm not always nice to people and tell them what they want to hear. It just simply burns my bum to have a woman that seems like she is smart to let her child be around that kind of behavior. Nice can be bought, my good advice is free.

leem03

Zoomer I didn't come here expecting to get a bouquet of roses as a welcome. I guess your harshness is too much too handle. You are right about one thing, I am smart. I have protected myself and my child so far. It may not be protected in the way you see fit, but we have been protected none-the-less. I agree that violence should not be around children as I agree that there should be no world hunger and stricter gun laws and stricter alcohol laws at best. Please don't judge me because you felt I did wrong. I am not asking to be judged. Please give advice as best you can but do it without judging. You sir have not walked in my shoes and have no idea what my life is like. Please tell me how to turn your back completely on someone you love....I am trying so desperately hard to find a way to do that. Knowing that I can't help him until he seeks help for himself. At the same time don't want to regret not going home one evening to find out that he did indeed kill himself the night before with the overdose of pills he had taken. Have you ever found someone you love who has tried to kill themselves. Talk about powerlessness. All they do is keep you in a mental health unit for three days......that's it. Even then you don't get any real help.

I want to help this man. I don't want to lose him. I don't want him to kill himself either on purpose or on accident. I am afraid Zoomer. I am afraid for his safety and I don't want to live the rest of my life wondering if there ever was anything I could have done to help him even the smallest little bit.

You just don't know! Please don't judge me!

zoomer

Leem, I'm trying hard not to judge. Your snapping at adivce givne not only by me,but by amother person who gave you advice as well. LOL Leem, I got boobs, I'm a woman! yes, I'v been in your shoes a couple of times. And from exspericance I can tell you that it will only get worse. Um yes I'v a few people in my life try to ace themselves. It's a horrible thing. But today I know I'v done the best I could to help then let go. I'm pretty much selfish these days except when it comes to my kids.
Listion Leem... There is nothing nice or polite about violence,it's all rude. Be good to yourself and your kid,your husband seems like he can take care of himself. Sometimes when people say or do try to ace themselves it's black mail as well. Today I'm not a part of that.

leem03

I'm not snapping at advice. I'm upset at the fact that you judged me and are in no position to judge. Give advice as you want. Let's just say I should have listened to myself in the first place & not responded to your reply at all.

Advice doesn't have to be nice & sweet, but it surely shoudn't be mean & viscous either. I mean I can't even get over your comment.

Anyways good luck to you zoomer. The way I see it is that people don't have to agree and we obviously do not agree. That is why everyone is able to have their own opinion.

Don S

Hi, leem,
Zoomer didn't get to 4000+ posts by choosing her words carefully, and her results aren't always what she intends.
I am very sorry you are living with so much fear and anxiety. But you have said that you don't think the threat of losing you will get him to stop drinking. We never know what will motivate someone to decide to quit, but it's very important that you not take responsibility for his behavior, for his decision, and for his actions.
What would you gain or lose by separating from him? Forever is a long time that you don't have to worry about right now. So, try answering that question rationally and objectively--write it down, and take your time in answering.
If he was not part of your life right now (not forever, just right now), what would be healthier about your life? What would you miss?
Since your daughter is too young to answer for yourself, try answering the same question from her viewpoint. What would she gain, and what would she lose?
If you were to separate and he was to get and remain sober for, say, a year, perhaps you all could be together again and begin to realize the benefits you wrote down in answer to my question. Plus the new benefits of his sobriety.

But right now it is about YOU setting boundaries, acting in spite of your fear to do what is healthiest and safest for yourself and your daughter, and making firm consequences of continued drinking. If the consequences are real, and he knows what they are, then he is making a clear choice each time he drinks. And I don't mean haggling over details like how drunk, or how many drinks. I'd suggest you set the boundary at abstinence.

When I quit drinking, I made a promise to my kids that was ironclad, and I put it in writing:
"There will be no alcohol in my house or in my body. You will never see me under the influence of alcohol again."
It worked for me because there was NO wiggle room! Do you think he could keep to that promise? And if he didn't, what would you be willing to do?
Don S