I'm ashamed to say I fell for it again

Old 06-24-2015, 08:07 AM
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I'm ashamed to say I fell for it again

It's been several months since I've written as I began the healing process and started to become happy on my own again. If some of you recall my ex ran off to Vegas and married a stranger and left me high and dry after years of being together. I got so much positive and wise advice from all of you stating he's probably "borderline" etc. I got into Coda, was seeing a personal addictions therapist, praying, and happily moving on with my life.

Until now. So he found out I met someone and was moving on and he legit lost it. That was his rock bottom which forced him into a renowned 30 day treatment program to get clean from a daily cocaine and alcohol habit. He said he cried for me every day in rehab and wanted to die because he realized he lost me and all the damage he left in his wake. Meanwhile his Vegas "wife" of a few months was calling and visiting him in rehab while he was sending me countless bouquets of flowers, cards, letters, etc. I didn't respond once.

Fast forward to him getting out a month ago. He dumps the Vegas wife, tells her he only married her bc he was high and made her move out. He said he was still in love with me and needed time to heal. So he began contacting me incessantly, got a tattoo of my name on his chest, sent bible quotes every day, and vowed he's a changed man because he's sober now and found God.

I foolishly and slowly let him creep back into my life as he stared me in the eyes and promised in his sobriety he would never hurt me again. His Vegas fling moved to California and he lost it. Now he has dumped me AGAIN saying he needs time to heal, blames it all on me saying I'm unhealthy for his recovery and is now pursuing he wife after she left and tried to get an annullment.

I'm sure you'll let me have it. But I'm back in a dark place broken and crying again, once again picking up the pieces and he's moving on. I thought things would be different because he was sober.
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Old 06-24-2015, 08:14 AM
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Been there done that. I do get the pain.

You have to realize though that he has some MAJOR issues that in my opinion go way beyond alcohol and drugs. I have no clue what you would call it, but see him for what he is. His actions portray a deeply disturbed man.

Try and focus on that and once again start the process of letting go.
It just takes time. I promise though it gets easier to see them for who they are and eventually you just get fed up.
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Old 06-24-2015, 08:14 AM
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Oh honey, not one person here is going to say I told you so, or let you have it. So many of us have done the rinse and repeat over and over. He is an unstable man who will likely always be unstable, sober or not. Be prepared that if she does not give in, he will come running back to you again.

Continue with the good work you were doing on YOU. You are worth every ounce of money and time that it takes. In the mean time, we, your SR friends, are here with you, walking this with you. No one will judge you here!

XXX
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Old 06-24-2015, 08:18 AM
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I'm sorry you are going through this again. It sounds to me like he enjoys the chase more than actually having the relationship. Once he sees someone moving on, he can't stand it and has to pursue them and reel them back in. It feeds his ego.

You know you are better off with him out of your life. I hope you are able to heal quickly and never allow him to get to you again. He's a loser and you deserve better.
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Old 06-24-2015, 08:21 AM
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We have all been there. Please do not beat yourself up. Are you going to therapy? Therapy really helped me understand why I kept taking him back and helped me get stronger over time. You cannot change what has happened, only what you will do next.

I know it hurts. Big hugs. xo
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Old 06-24-2015, 08:24 AM
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We've all been there, honey. Good job coming back here for support.

What matters is not that we fall down, but that we get back up again.
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Old 06-24-2015, 08:27 AM
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Thanks All! He cried to me for months and I wouldn't give in. He sent flowers weekly and articulate letters with so much logic and emotion. He seemed so calm and sure of his love for me. I was reluctant but let him back in and within 24 hours of sleeping together again for the first time he said he needed to be alone to work on himself. It's mind boggling. Leaves me spinning. Emotionally and psychologically astounded and pained. I cannot cannot cannot believe he did this to me again.

Yes I'm in therapy and going back to Coda, I might also go away to a wellness retreat. And the wife is taking him back. It's insanity.
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Old 06-24-2015, 08:34 AM
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I'm an actor and director in the theatre scene here. In twenty years of doing this I've encountered two types of people who audition for stuff: those who want to GET the part, and those who want to PLAY the part.

Those who want to GET the part just get off on the high of winning, of beating other actors to the role, and that's where the effort ends.

Those who want to PLAY the part are grateful for the opportunity and work their tails off to explore, stretch, and play the role to the best of their ability, from the first rehearsal to the last performance.

Your ex just wants the high of winning. He doesn't want to do the actual work of a relationship. You're going to have to be the one to get off the merry-go-round here if you ever want peace and the real happiness of a healthy relationship.
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Old 06-24-2015, 08:35 AM
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Just remember, it's an insanity you no longer have to be a part of. Take the retreat, that sounds wonderful. I am so happy to hear you are back to the things that will help you. It's a hard time, but because you are strong and doing what you have to do to heal, you will come through it a better person in the end.

Remember, we are always here for you!

XXX
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Old 06-24-2015, 08:36 AM
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Sparklekitty~

Great analogy. Thank you.
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Old 06-24-2015, 08:49 AM
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... Jodie ... 'life sucks and then you die' ... sorry to hear it is going like this for you ...

When my life situations had gotten so bad my ONLY option seemed to be to drink myself into oblivion ... that is exactly what I did ...

and the bad news ... it GOT WORSE ! The good news ... it was the point where I ABSOLUTELY HAD TO SURRENDER all efforts to run my life. Praying only for the Knowledge of God's Will, and the power to carry it out was no longer an option, it was the ONLY option other than drinking myself literally to death.

That complete surrender was the turning point ... my life has been turned around ... but for a long period I could only function in 2 simple steps, 'Do the Right Thing' whatever that meant, in which I needed the sister step, 'Do the Next Thing that Needs to be Done'.

This may seem like quite a negative post, but it is actually just the opposite as it happened to me ... and most if it was not pretty ... but nowhere as ugly as drinking myself to death, or worse...

RDBplus3 ... Now Happy, Joyous, and FREE ... and I PRAY that it will be for U
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Old 06-24-2015, 09:09 AM
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It's manipulation and you can't believe him. Pick yourself up and move on. You will be okay. You deserve to be happy. His poor wife is in the same boat and he will probably tire of her soon again. You will be okay.

Hugs to you!
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Old 06-24-2015, 09:23 AM
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It is ac tually common for us to return to dysfunctional relationships. I totally get where you are coming from. It happens so slowly sometimes and we have reason to believe they have changed. It is part of the cycle of abuse, "the honeymoon period" they call it. It usually happens right before an escalation of abuse . It makes it even more confusing for us. What did we do? We must have triggered it bc they were being so nice a week ago.
It adds to our self blame , abusers know that and what they are doing.
don't blame yourself, ,it's never your fault.
Glad to hear your focusing on yourself
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Old 06-24-2015, 09:41 AM
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Jody.....I have just got to ask....how do you happen to know so much about what is happening between him and his wife since the day he gave you the
"boot?".
You need to bite the bullet and cut all form of contact with him. Remove all reminders of him from your life.
You are trying to hitch your wagon to the wrong star.

Listen to Taylor Swift's song----We Are NEVER, Ever, Ever Getting Back Together Again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Old 06-24-2015, 09:59 AM
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That man has serious mental illness. Get back to being strong and independent. Be glad it all went down fairly quickly and he didn't drag you on and on.
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Old 06-24-2015, 09:59 AM
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I'm sorry you had to experience that, but he is the broken one, not you. You're human and put trust in someone with hopes that he would be true to his word. But he didn't and he can't so it's time to move on. Although painful, it's experience and you will be stronger for it and available when the right person who deserves your heart comes along.
You need to cut him out of your life completely. He blew his last chance. Move on and find peace again.
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Old 06-24-2015, 10:03 AM
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I have found that if I label all the things that have not worked out in my life as mistakes....it is an act of shaming myself.

Instead I try to reframe it. I imagine you are gathering awareness, insight and wisdom from this experience....and will approach it differently down the road next time.

Please be gentle with yourself, but keep the focus on you.
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Old 06-24-2015, 10:20 AM
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Cut all ties to any sort of information or updates about him,
Change your phone number, go to the retreat and really commit
to yourself and your own healing.

I'm sorry you got hurt again but I bet you get over it faster this time.
He really is a mental case and not worth your time or trouble for even one more minute.

Glad to see you back Jodie because we do care
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Old 06-24-2015, 10:32 AM
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My friends and family warned me. They also said it was a huge red flag that he got my name tattooed on his chest to get me back.
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Old 06-24-2015, 10:38 AM
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Yes I'm in therapy and going back to Coda, I might also go away to a wellness retreat. And the wife is taking him back. It's insanity.
It is insanity and hopefully she'll get some help in time too.
I am glad that you are reaching out to us and that you are taking care of yourself.
Like others, I think the first step for you is full no contact. No playing facebook peekaboo games, putting your foot down with your brother and even going no contact with him for a bit if he insists on mentioning the ex, blocking his calls, texts and emails, returning gifts.
The Facebook games were a big one for you if I remember well, you might have to deactivate your account for a bit if you are too tempted.
Anyway, glad to see you back.
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