How do I uninvite my alcoholic son?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Joppa, Maryland
Posts: 61
How do I uninvite my alcoholic son?
It's been a long time since I've been on this forum and I used to visit friends and family of substance abusers. My son has since moved on to alcohol. He is 25 years old, has a pregnant girlfriend (she does not drink) and is due to have a baby in November. My son has lost his job, he is on unemployment, and is an alcoholic. He hides bottles of vodka around his house, drinks from morning until he passes out and his girlfriend grew up with an alcoholic dad, so she thinks she can save him and that "things will be different when the baby comes". Anyway, that is just a little background. Every year we have a huge 4th of July party at our house. It starts at 2 and ends after we do fireworks at dark. Yes, there is drinking, but this is a family party with kids, elderly people, with lots of food and relaxing. I don't really invite my kids, because it is a standing invitation every year. They know they will be at my house on the 4th. My son has gotten so much worse than last year, and I really don't want him here. Some of my friends from work will be here, and he is really embarrassing. He is loud, cusses (then says sorry after the fact) in front of anyone and will lie to me and say he won't drink, but he will. Then he will get confrontational with someone who says something he perceives as an insult. Then he will want to fight. Then, after that stage he will be crying. I don't want to deal with it.
He has already talked about what a great party it will be and is really looking forward to it. I feel so bad just thinking about telling him not to come. I don't even know what to say. He will get mad rather than hurt and I feel bad that his girlfriend would not come without him and I really like her a lot.
Can't anyone offer some insight?
He has already talked about what a great party it will be and is really looking forward to it. I feel so bad just thinking about telling him not to come. I don't even know what to say. He will get mad rather than hurt and I feel bad that his girlfriend would not come without him and I really like her a lot.
Can't anyone offer some insight?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi
Any way you look at it, it's an awkward situation. As a sober A, I believe the best you can do is level with him.
You've described some of his behaviours to us, and he needs to hear about them from you without editing. Also that you don't want to put your guests through that. When he promises not to drink, tell him you've heard it before.
He's not going to like it, so be prepared for him to be mad, maybe try to bully you. Don't even attempt it when he's been drinking.
If you can't face talking to him, consider sending an email or letter, but you'll have to make sure he acknowledges.
Hearing this from you, his mother, would hopefully make a real impact.
Any way you look at it, it's an awkward situation. As a sober A, I believe the best you can do is level with him.
You've described some of his behaviours to us, and he needs to hear about them from you without editing. Also that you don't want to put your guests through that. When he promises not to drink, tell him you've heard it before.
He's not going to like it, so be prepared for him to be mad, maybe try to bully you. Don't even attempt it when he's been drinking.
If you can't face talking to him, consider sending an email or letter, but you'll have to make sure he acknowledges.
Hearing this from you, his mother, would hopefully make a real impact.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Welcome back!
Part of someone's recovery from alcoholism appears to be the consequences of ones drinking. Being told that you do not want him there is a consequence of his drinking.
I know it hurts, but said with love, I agree with FeelingGreat, in hoping it might make an important impact on him.
wishing you the best and sending a hug. That sounds so much like my own son, during his 'glory' days.
take care and know we are here for you.
chicory
Part of someone's recovery from alcoholism appears to be the consequences of ones drinking. Being told that you do not want him there is a consequence of his drinking.
I know it hurts, but said with love, I agree with FeelingGreat, in hoping it might make an important impact on him.
wishing you the best and sending a hug. That sounds so much like my own son, during his 'glory' days.
take care and know we are here for you.
chicory
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Yep - "Sorry your drinking is out of control don't come"
He will get mad? What will you get if (WHEN) he gets tanked in front of your co=workers and friends and shows his a$$, starts a fight etc. You may think its a gross exaggeration, but people get fired over situations like that. Never mind having to show up at the office on Monday and face it. Your guests deserve a safe environment. A July 4th party is a bad, bad place to house a wreckless A. When I was in high school the neighborhood drunk shot a roman candle at another neighbor thinking it was funny. The neighbor ended up with severe burns. That was back before people sued the way they do today and things were handled on handshakes. Not so much now a days.
No thanks.
He will get mad? What will you get if (WHEN) he gets tanked in front of your co=workers and friends and shows his a$$, starts a fight etc. You may think its a gross exaggeration, but people get fired over situations like that. Never mind having to show up at the office on Monday and face it. Your guests deserve a safe environment. A July 4th party is a bad, bad place to house a wreckless A. When I was in high school the neighborhood drunk shot a roman candle at another neighbor thinking it was funny. The neighbor ended up with severe burns. That was back before people sued the way they do today and things were handled on handshakes. Not so much now a days.
No thanks.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
Hi
Any way you look at it, it's an awkward situation. As a sober A, I believe the best you can do is level with him.
You've described some of his behaviours to us, and he needs to hear about them from you without editing. Also that you don't want to put your guests through that. When he promises not to drink, tell him you've heard it before.
He's not going to like it, so be prepared for him to be mad, maybe try to bully you. Don't even attempt it when he's been drinking.
If you can't face talking to him, consider sending an email or letter, but you'll have to make sure he acknowledges.
Hearing this from you, his mother, would hopefully make a real impact.
Any way you look at it, it's an awkward situation. As a sober A, I believe the best you can do is level with him.
You've described some of his behaviours to us, and he needs to hear about them from you without editing. Also that you don't want to put your guests through that. When he promises not to drink, tell him you've heard it before.
He's not going to like it, so be prepared for him to be mad, maybe try to bully you. Don't even attempt it when he's been drinking.
If you can't face talking to him, consider sending an email or letter, but you'll have to make sure he acknowledges.
Hearing this from you, his mother, would hopefully make a real impact.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i agree, keep it short and simple, with no "unless" attached....as in you are not welcome at the 4th of July gathering this year unless....
now mom, here's the thing. you can TELL him he is not welcome, but be prepared for him to show up anyways. what is your plan in that case?
now mom, here's the thing. you can TELL him he is not welcome, but be prepared for him to show up anyways. what is your plan in that case?
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 165
I agree with everyone who said keep it simple and loving with no attachments or listening to his promises to be good. If he is that out of control, and you think he'd show up anyway, I'd have a couple guys who are in the know on stand by to escort his out. I have a brother who has been known to act out. I couldn't ban him from my moms funeral, but my cousins sat right in back of him at the parlor ready to show him the door first sign of foolishness. Just a thought
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
ownedbypugs.......As a mother who has had to draw the lines in the sand....I can sympathize with you as to how hard....gut-wrenching....this is to do.
I glanced back over your other posts....and, I see how h e has been putting you through the ringer for several years!
I know that you went to naranon back in 2012....
I want to say to you that you need a support group for the kinds of bou ndaries that you are going to have to draw.
He is 25.....and, he is going to need some really forceful reality feedback now......before he sees 35 and 45years..........
You deserve to live you life in peace and free from the torture. You may have to love from the distance.
with much compassion,
dandylion
I glanced back over your other posts....and, I see how h e has been putting you through the ringer for several years!
I know that you went to naranon back in 2012....
I want to say to you that you need a support group for the kinds of bou ndaries that you are going to have to draw.
He is 25.....and, he is going to need some really forceful reality feedback now......before he sees 35 and 45years..........
You deserve to live you life in peace and free from the torture. You may have to love from the distance.
with much compassion,
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 215
This may sound extreme, but if you ask him to not come and he does you can always call the police. Or let him know that you WILL call. If he knows you will follow through ( and you would need to do that or he will know you won't do so in the future). If you don't have a couple of guys to escort him out, the cops will be able to do so. I hate drinking parties anymore. All I can see is the alcohol compromising people that are usually reasonably. It sucks!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Joppa, Maryland
Posts: 61
Thank you everyone. I know what I need to do, I think I just needed to hear someone agree with me that he hasn't effected. My oldest daughter is pregnant and due in October and she can't stand being around him. Her husband doesn't want to be around him either. My ex's side of the family is starting to not want him at their functions, and his whole side is made up of alcoholics (some sober, some not).
Dandylion, yes he has put us through the ringer. I am just sick of it. He's been in jail, he's a heroin addict (clean at the moment), and he's lost everything. He used to live with me and I had to make him move out last year. Now he has a baby on the way, and I am scared to death for this baby. We all are. I am so sad to think that before this baby is even born, his life is already in turmoil. My son's gf is really sweet, and she doesn't do drugs or drink, but she makes excuses all the time for him.
One of our party guests is a police officer and if need be, he could step in and do damage control, but how embarrassing that would be.
I'm so tired of being sad about him. He is truly not the same person that he used to be. I don't even know him anymore.
Dandylion, yes he has put us through the ringer. I am just sick of it. He's been in jail, he's a heroin addict (clean at the moment), and he's lost everything. He used to live with me and I had to make him move out last year. Now he has a baby on the way, and I am scared to death for this baby. We all are. I am so sad to think that before this baby is even born, his life is already in turmoil. My son's gf is really sweet, and she doesn't do drugs or drink, but she makes excuses all the time for him.
One of our party guests is a police officer and if need be, he could step in and do damage control, but how embarrassing that would be.
I'm so tired of being sad about him. He is truly not the same person that he used to be. I don't even know him anymore.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Joppa, Maryland
Posts: 61
And this is weird. My husband gets home earlier than I do from work and my son stopped by today to drop off $40. He owed me a little money from awhile ago, and out of the blue he stopped by to give it to me. My husband said he was perfectly fine, hadn't been drinking at all. Then that makes me question myself, but, that is not the norm. It's just weird timing. Just makes me feel worse about the whole thing.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 8
When my husband and I got married, he told me he was going to tell his alcoholic brother not to drink at the reception. Knowing nothing about alcoholism at that time, I said "don't cause drama, don't say anything -- OF COURSE he wouldn't get drunk at our wedding!" And we only had wine and beer at the reception, not liquor, and it was an afternoon wedding, so I figured we were safe.
WRONG. He brought a flask with god-knows-what inside. He got so drunk, said inappropriate things to my daughters (age 10 and 12!!!!!) and said WAY inappropriate things to my friends (he talked about the size of his you-know-what TO MY GUESTS) and when they rebuffed him, he got belligerent. My husband had to leave our wedding to drive him to the hotel, because no one else could handle him.
You might be a whole lot less embarrassed if he doesn't come :\
WRONG. He brought a flask with god-knows-what inside. He got so drunk, said inappropriate things to my daughters (age 10 and 12!!!!!) and said WAY inappropriate things to my friends (he talked about the size of his you-know-what TO MY GUESTS) and when they rebuffed him, he got belligerent. My husband had to leave our wedding to drive him to the hotel, because no one else could handle him.
You might be a whole lot less embarrassed if he doesn't come :\
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
There is a small upside to "uninviting" him that you may or may not have thought about.
You'll be setting a good example to his GF. Showing her that boundaries can be set and enforced. And it will show her that there are consequences to his drinking that affect her, and eventually there child.
Since the 4th is barreling down apron us, I assume your going to tell him soon. I'll be thinking about you, and sending you positive thoughts.
Good Luck.
You'll be setting a good example to his GF. Showing her that boundaries can be set and enforced. And it will show her that there are consequences to his drinking that affect her, and eventually there child.
Since the 4th is barreling down apron us, I assume your going to tell him soon. I'll be thinking about you, and sending you positive thoughts.
Good Luck.
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sitting down and facing front
Posts: 170
This is resonating with me, as for our last family gathering, my brother asked me to word up my husband not to drink so much (it was our uncle's birthday lunch), as it wasnt about him, and that he (my brother) felt it would be best that AH didn't come if he couldn't behave himself. Brother even offered to do the disinviting himself if I felt I couldn't do it. As it turned out, AH (who has chronic pain issues) didn't feel up to coming due to the 2 hour drive and all was well, but now we have my niece's 18th birthday coming up in a few weeks (18 is legal drinking age here, so there will be alcohol, I suppose, even though it's a lunchtime affair).
I have a couple of weeks to find my courage to speak to him about this...
I have a couple of weeks to find my courage to speak to him about this...
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