Rosalba

I'd like to share this on here because, although it doesn't directly involve an alcoholic, I think a lot of my choices would have been different if I hadn't grown up in an alcoholic family...

Back in April, I was at a bit of a low ebb, and a friend suggested I try an 'ecotours' walk, consisting of a day long walk with four stops for meditation and reflection, then sharing of thoughts. This was a brilliant idea and reconnected me spiritually. I'd stopped going to Alanon meetings, too, and this was an impetus to start them again.

I was enormously impressed by the guy leading the walks. Very easy to talk to, and happy to discuss matters involving spirituality - often a bit of a taboo subject in everyday life etc etc. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I started seeing him independently of the walks, and spent some really happy days with him - but just as a friend, though I would have liked more. Then, about three weeks ago, he jumped on me and I was very happy to participate....

Then the following day I received an apologetic email from him saying that he was in the process of 'coming out of a relationship' but that he loved my company and wanted to carry on seeing me. He did indeed phone later, but I only picked it up as a voicemail message. For the first time IN MY LIFE in this situation (you wouldn't believe how many guys have used me as a soft landing when they've had relationship difficulties) I got back to him saying that on one level I'd like to carry on seeing him, but that I really don't like feeling used.

And if his relationship should end, he's gained some distance from it, is not in another one, and should feel so inclined - please get in touch. Otherwise I'd rather he didn't contact me.

He did get back immediately, saying he'd do so once his situation was sorted out. We'll see. I'm carrying on with my own life and reflecting that the mild pining I'm experiencing is about the loss of an anticipated relationship, one that never was, and will pass soon. I also wouldn't want to date anyone else - but seeing that I've been happily single for nearly all the last 3.5 years, that doesn't really make much difference.

I've also reflected how much the image of the all-understanding, all-giving, all-loving lady I used to cultivate is an ego trip. An ego trip which used to cause me a lot of damage. I know now that putting someone else's welfare before my own is a classic codependent symptom; I've also had relationships where the guy was still seeing an ex, largely because they'd booked events when they were still together, for example. But back then, instead of telling them to wrap things up with the old partner before trying to start something with me, I've been 'patient' and 'understanding'. But the ex still felt like a shadow, and in retrospect I wished I'd asked them to sort out their lives before involving me.

I was once really struck by an Alanon piece about how tolerance, if carried to extremes, is a character defect. Of course it can be - it can tell me that I need to put boundaries in place - and they feel REALLY GOOD!!!

Uplifting

Since reading these posts and starting Al Anon I am starting to understand how my tolerance and "compassionate understanding" and giving nature is a defect in that it is hurting and costing me in ways I hadn't ever considered or seen before. I always thought it was a strength of mine, and maybe it has been at times considering how I grew up I believe it became a "defense" or defect or way to get my needs met. However that way to get my needs met is not working anymore and it is like I have to overhaul my whole system which is a lot of hard work and I have lapses which then enrage me! So I am trying to make the lapses less frequent so I don't continue to act in ways that hurt me. Any suggestions on how to maintain this or how long this process took for those of you who have been going through this for a while? thank you!

Rosalba

For me, it's a lifelong process and will continue to be. The first step came in recognising that I felt hurt - rather than tuning out the pain and then denying it.

Uplifting

I think maybe I tune out my pain by turning it towards my bf who is in his active addiction and as soon as I start feeling more acute pain or distress or fears or anger etc, seems the more I want to contact him or try to let him know how I am feeling which is useless and unproductive and only hurts me, but I do it anyway, and maybe I keep doing it because it fuels my pain in some way and then I can feel more hurt and angry because he obviously can't respond in a way I need. Does this make any sense? I hear that it is lifelong and I sense that, guess it is hard to accept for myself sometimes too...