Serper2014

It was this weekend. I don't really know how it started. I probably would have been ok with a few beers (I've been doing decent with moderating, but I guess that can only be kept up for so long... I can keep myself under control with beer I thought. I can moderate pretty well with beer, it's the liquor that takes me. Crap, it's shot time at the party. Ok one shot is ok....now I don't know how many shots I had. I know I was sneaking them when people weren't looking. Can someone play my favorite song? How did I get home? I was still drunk in the morning, still very drunk in the afternoon the next day but by early evening I knew that my BAC was finally coming down. I must have had around 20 drinks yesterday... a new record for me. I've never been drunk until the next evening. The panic began to set it. I haven't felt this in years. I had no medication this time to help. My heart was racing, I was dizzy. I was having involuntary arm movements. I could barely stand. It was either go to the hospital or go get more alcohol. Eh, they can't even give me medicine at the hospital yet... I'm too drunk for benzos at this point. I went to the bar. I got three shots and they wouldn't give me anymore. I realized I downed them in about 5 mins, but it felt like I was sitting there for an hour in panic mode. My nerves were still not calmed... I was so afraid. I left the bar and got a 6 pack.... it was late evening now. I sipped on the 6 pack all night very slowly. Scared out of my mind. There were moments where I felt good. Others where I was in sheer terror. I'll just slowly keep sipping letting my bac come back to zero and go get medication I thought... Eventually I fell asleep and woke up and went to the doctors to get medication. I was withdrawing badly, but not enough for an ER visit. I got the medication took a few doses. And spent the next 36 hours in bed....asleep. There were moments where I woke up to order food, but for the most part I've been asleep... I've just come to.... I've just gotten out of bed.... I'm on day 4! I've had a lot of day 1's before.... but to realize I messed up and realize that I'm already on day 4.... this is so scary..... as I was typing this a thought popped in my head. "Hey go get some drinks you survived this, you can do it one more time" I can't guys. I can't live like this anymore. I'm just at my wits end....I've got to find a way to stay sober.

Faker

Serper, this is scary. Can you get yourself to rehab? Do you have a plan? You did survive this, but you might not next time. We are here. Do not go get drinks. Stay here and get support.

SoberLife90

Glad you found SR. Me personally I go to AA meetings and come on SR. AA is a wonderful support group and through the steps your life will change. Keep an open mind...and AA will change you. It is certainly not the only way to stay sober...but i can't imagine others ways working as well. Just my 2 cents.

Dee74

It just seems to be getting scarier and scarier for you Serper.

I really hope you can find some way to permanently reject the thought that you are in anyway capable of being a 'normal' drinker.

D

Soberwolf

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

FreeOwl

Oh man.....

This sounds awful. Terrifying.

Thank you for the reminder of why I choose sobriety.

Your post summoned up memories - like dream sequences of nightmares - my own past. Lying in bed, in and out of consciousness. Waiting for the nausea to fade. Waiting to be able to eat. Waking to drink, just to stave off shaking and excruciating headache and not remembering how I got there. Calling in sick to work. Anxiety and panic and shame.

I stopped that cycle, and you can too. For me, AA, SR, the big book, changes across my life, counseling, exercise shifting my habits. It was a reinvention to sober living and it wasn't easy. But it was so well worth it.

You can do this

doggonecarl

I think it's possible for you to get sober, if you can get past the one thing standing in the way of your recovery...yourself.

Serper2014

This is so true.... I could be sober if I wanted to.....I'm the only one thats preventing that.... Well here is to day 4....


and Dee you are right... things just keep getting scarier and scarier.....I needed to be scared straight I guess.... I haven't felt that way in a long time....

IOAA2

Hi.
For too long I felt the same, wanting to drink more than I wanted to be sober. That’s part of my insanity because I could see my drinking progression and it never was getting better.
Finally when I was sick and tired of being sick and tired I had a moment of clarity and said a little prayer “Please help me stop drinking.”

The bottom line is it takes work and change to be in recovery, not just until we feel better, believe me.

BE WELL

endlesspatience

Serper, we wish you well. Many of us know what it feels like to come off a big binge like that. And many of us don't do that any more. My personal view is that you're making a mistake asking for a medicine to get you out of this. Benzos do not cure alcoholism. You need a different type of approach and a different type of programme. Which is certainly achievable but please don't think going to ER and asking for medicine will sort it out.

Hope2014

Serper,
That sounds like hell. At some point your body will shut down and that usually happens without warning. Please stop testing your limits.
The answer is you can NOT drink again. You need to take action now. I'm glad you posted. Can you get to AA? Day 4 is a good start. Please choose your life over this poison. You can turn this around if you choose to.
We are here to support you through it, but you need to commit to it.

Elizabeth333

Hi - when I turned to benzos to help me stop alcohol, 15 years ago, they only lengthened the time I continued to drink. Now I have a benzo addiction to fight! It's been far worse coming off them, then the booze ever was. I'm two weeks clean from everything and today is the first day I actually feel myself. Nightmare of tics all over my body. Brain fog and great sadness. Still, feeling really fortunate to be sitting here, able to comprehend this forum. Thank you all for being here! I live way out in the countryside - only can get to meetings twice a week - lost my license, which was a good thing - has made me rediscover myself and realize I want to stay the course of sobriety.

Saskia

Serper, I hear you. Many of us have experienced the same thoughts of being able to moderate. For us alcoholics, that just doesn't work. There are options for you as for all of us. AA, inpatient rehab, outpatient rehab, to name a few. If you are truly serious about staying alive and thriving, then you need to get serious about programs. Although a number of people are uncomfortable about AA and I certainly fought it for awhile, there is a great deal of support to be found there. I don't think we need to agree with everything in AA to reap the benefits.

Ruby2

Waiting. Freeowl mentioned waiting. I waited and waited for the day when I would finally be able to drink normally and moderately. That didn't come. I waited and waited to be delivered from the pain my drinking had become. I waited and waited for my life to happen. I would still be waiting if I hadn't started doing, instead of drinking. Once I accepted that I could wait until the cows came home and I would never ever be able to moderate my drinking, I'd still be drinking. And that is alcoholic hell.

I abused benzos for years to get through the day until I could start drinking at night. To put a stamp of normalcy on my face so I could function until I could start drinking. When I finally did quit I relied somewhat on the benzos but that was only after I relapsed after ten months of sobriety and wasn't back to drinking insane amounts yet. Benzos hold their own danger and I'm not addicted but the potential was always there. I don't use them anymore.

I wish you well. Don't wait for the worst to happen. Make sobriety happen. Maybe you need inpatient? I balked. I went eventually. It was the best adult decision I've ever made.

Anna

I'm glad you're okay, Serper. But, you know that next time will be even worse unless you don't allow a next time. I hope this is the moment when you decide to change your life.

Serper2014

Yes I am hoping and praying that this will be the time that I beat it. I know the feeling about just being sick of it. I was out in the hot sun in the early evening getting refused to get served at 4pmish. I stumbled out of the bar (not because the liquor had kicked in) but because my heart was going crazy and I was very very dizzy..... I'm too old for this.... I don't want to live like this any freaking longer...

Serper2014

Thanks for this advice. I've heard that the benzos are harder to withdraw from than alcohol. I only got a script for 5-- and it's a long acting benzo. So I feel the risk of withdrawal from them is low. I've only used two of the 5 pills and I'm entering into day 5 so I don't think I'll need another one... I should be out of the woods by now regarding serious withdrawals, but I'm keeping an eye out.

Serper2014

Yes... this was a really moving post. It seems like I've been wanting to quit for good... and I keep pushing the day back....trying to moderate over and over..... I'm never going to be able to moderate. I'm not drinking every day, but Im binging and the binging is getting worse and worse. It's like I used to black out and that would stop. But now when I'm blacked out.... my "auto pilot" continues to drink. THAT is scary. The only thing I can do is to stay in the cockpit and fly myself. No more opportunities for auto pilot.