Help IAM torn my 23 year old is in over her head!

Old 06-23-2015, 06:25 AM
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Help IAM torn my 23 year old is in over her head!

My adult 23 yr old daughter has been a nightmare with her drinking drug use and behaviour.
She has bad anxiety and she also has an eating disorder and ADD.
She lives on her own but currently is staying with us because she says she can't be alone right now.We tough loved her and she is trying to stop and turn her life around .Going to church not going out on weekends.
She has tried to stop drinking etc for 3 weeks and went to a huge family gathering and got drunk.
When we got home she was going to go out with friends and started to walk home at 1 am. We wouldn't let her for fear she was so drunk.She tried to drive home we got keys from her in fight and she bit me.My arm is black and blue and people are asking me what happened.This is not the first time I have been hurt or property damaged.
I called police she spent night in drunk tank.She took cab home we wouldn't get her...she came to church in morning. Remorseful crying etc.
She says she won't drink again but won't go to a meeting cause if her anxiety.
She still hasn't gotten help for her ED.
Her Dad is a recovering alcoholic .
What can I do?
They tell me nothing but IAM confused is there not boundaries ?
Does she have to learn this without me interfering in her process?
I wasn't sure if giving her an ultimatum to attend a meeting or go back home was ok or not.
She had consequences but my other daughters fiancé thinks were crazy for having a birthday dinner two days later and wouldn't even come.
Thinks we're enabling her by being with us as well.
We see she is trying to make changes and he sees we're being hurt.
I am torn.
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Old 06-23-2015, 10:24 AM
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Bluehawaii, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It has to be very difficult to know what's the right thing to do w/all this going on. I'm glad you found us here at SR and I hope you find the support you're looking for.

I don't know if I can be of much use to you myself, but there are certainly others here who have stood in your shoes and can offer both information and support. I'm sure one of them will be by soon. In the meantime, please read as much as you can in the forums, and don't miss the stickies at the top of the page--there is a wealth of experience, strength and hope there. You also might want to check this section of the forum--it's fairly new and is specifically for folks who have an addicted/alcoholic relative rather than a spouse or partner: NEW! Family Members of Addicts and Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I can suggest looking into Alanon for some face-to-face support for yourself--please do consider it. The combo of Alanon and SR has been a powerful one for me.

Again, welcome, and I wish you strength and clarity as you move forward.
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Old 06-23-2015, 10:38 AM
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That is a tough situation. If she has so many challenges than she really needs to go to the doctors and get a check up and possibly some meds.

AA has online meetings she can attend this website as online chats as well. If she really wants to get better there are tons of online support groups. Medications, etc. The big question is, does she really want to?
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Old 06-23-2015, 04:44 PM
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Hi Bluehawaii
I have a 25 year old daughter, alcoholic and drug addict who will celebrate 1 year sobriety next month. I understand your pain, anger, confusion and desperation. I apologize in advance, what I am about to say might be harsh but I think you need to hear it. I am NOT trying to be mean, just trying to help.

Your daughter needs treatment, probably in-patient but at the very least intensive outpatient. She is binge drinking and exhibiting violent, impulsive and dangerous behavior while drunk. She needs more help than you and weekly church attendance can offer.

Her crying and remorse is typical alcoholic behavior and works great on enabling parents. You see she's sorry and she goes to church, you forgive and throw her a b-day party? Her anxiety won't allow her to attend a meeting but it doesn't prevent her from attending a family gathering and getting drunk.

Our daughter's (who by the way also suffers from anxiety, depression, and ADD) alcohol and drug abuse started while in college and escalated at age 23 with a DUI, thank God she didn't hurt anyone or herself. Trust me, you don't want to go through that.
Your daughter has already shown that she is willing to drink and drive. Will you be able to live with yourself if she drinks, drives, and kills someone?

I know this sounds harsh but your daughter is playing you like a fiddle. She knows exactly what to say and do to "make everything all nice" for a week or 2. What she doesn't know how to do, because she doesn't have the tools, is to stay sober for any length of time. She needs help. Don't love her to death.
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Old 06-23-2015, 07:12 PM
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I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.

I think you already know what to do. Boundaries, that's the Answer. She has her own ace, that is where she should be. Unless she gets help. AA, inpatient or outpatient treatment, EAP from her job, etc. She should show some effort
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Old 06-23-2015, 08:33 PM
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IAM so confused as to what boundaries to set . As far as they all say it's her decision to get help. How can I force her to seek counselling or go to a meeting?
IAM confused and I know IAM being played.
I have offered her to go away to a program for a year. Counselling. Nutritionist.
To go with her to a meeting . But she says she doesn't need that she can quit on her own of course I know she is not able too.
I am confused what to do. She says she cannot be by herself now she needs people around.
She is depressed.
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Old 06-23-2015, 09:43 PM
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Are you actually in Hawaii? Or where are you? I'm asking because I would like to provide you with contacts and resources for treatment options for people who have multiple problems in addition to an eating disorder. Because eating disorder is the primary and worst problem here.

So here's my take on this: Eating disorder is NOT the same animal as an addiction. Eating disorder people don't have a bottom other than death. The fact that she's living with you and wants to be around you is something you can leverage in your favor.

I'll PM you because most of what I have to say goes completely against everything I would say to someone whose kid was "only" an addict.
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