FourEyes

I posted on here quite a while ago...just before I got married. That was over two years ago. I went ahead with the wedding because, unfortunately, the invitations were sent out and my ego was at stake.

I'll give a brief time line of my last three years:
May 2012: Moved to another state away from my family to accept a job and start a new life with then boyfriend. Unfortunately, we find out on the day we move that his mother has cancer.

May 2012: Drinking begins to get out of control.

November 2012: AH charged with DUI. Is only working part time job. I have to pay for court and lawyer.

December 2012: AH gets full time job. My hope is that drinking will slow down...nope.

May 2013: We get married. He actually behaved at the wedding. Hope is there.

January 2014: AH still has full time job (yay!) but we must now shell out nearly $1000 for a diversion for his DUI (boo...) but it means a year of him not drinking (yay!)

January 2015: Diversion is over. I take him to a concert where he gets smashed. We leave before the headlining band plays because he is trying to start a fight with three college dudes (or more I drag him out). He swears he will stop drinking once we get back from some cruise we had booked with friends.

February 2015: Suffice it to say I am mortified by his behavior on said cruise. A bar manager actually placed an order on his cruise card that he not be served the rest of that night.

March 2015: Husband's mother dies of cancer. I miss her a lot. Drinking escalates. Was told by husband I was not invited to his mother's service. Also announced upon our arrival (he was drunk so I drove to the service) that we were getting divorced.

Today, I'm sitting at my computer being sad and confused. My husband is out of control, threatening suicide via overdose. He threatened my life over his family bible (said if I touched it he would kill me). I've been called so many names (angry little fat girl, b!tch, etc.). He seems to think that sex will make everything better. I'm sorry, but you call me an angry fat girl then you want me naked??

I haven't left yet because I feel sorry for him. But he's blackmailing me emotionally and it's exhausting. If I can give one example, it would be this past weekend. We went to a restaurant to meet new people. I told him I didn't know what to expect, they were a group that I had seen on meetup.com. When we got there, we saw they were all older than us (we're in our early 30's), but hey, I could care less. He seemed like he was enjoying himself. Being lunchtime, I ordered a quesadilla and he ordered a single Scotch egg. We were told by the waitress that it would be about a half hour since they were still having to prep the eggs. Well, fast forward to us getting ready to leave, and he still has no egg. I offered him half of my quesadilla, which he only took 1/4 of. He also had wings from one of the other people there who was nice enough to share. He was still pretty salty about not getting his egg. I get that.

I offer on the way home to take him somewhere so he can get a bite to eat. He refuses. We get home, he passes out on the couch. I go in another room to watch t.v. About an hour and a half later, I'm laying down dosing off and I wake up to "Glad you got what you wanted. I didn't get lunch. You ruined my weekend. You made me hang out with 80 year olds. Go f@$&*ng make me lunch." Then that escalated into accusations of me cheating on him with someone from my work, more insults on my appearance, him throwing my things (namely some files full of important papers), and me crying...a lot. I try to walk away, but he follows me around. I don't want to leave the premises because I'm afraid of leaving my dog there with him. He finally calmed down and wanted to go hang out. And it wasn't until yesterday I got an apology.

I hate to say it, but this isn't the first time he's done this. He blows up, it goes on for a few hours then when he feels like calming down, he expects me to be calmed down as well.

I feel like I hate him. But I can only imagine how insecure he feels and lonely now that his mom is gone and that is what breaks my heart.

I'm sorry this is so long...

SparkleKitty

FourEyes, what would happen if you showed the same compassion for yourself that you show your AH?

His sadness, his loneliness, his insecurity -- those are HIS feelings. They are his responsibility and only he can see to managing them. You can feel pity for him because of them, but you cannot fix them for him. In the meantime, you are being abused.

I am far more concerned about you and your feelings right at this moment. That is what is breaking *my* heart.

suki44883

At this point, I wouldn't care how insecure and lonely he feels. He is abusing you and there is NEVER a valid excuse for that. I hope that you will figure out a way to get away from him before he harms you physically, if he hasn't already.

biminiblue

I've left two relationships like yours.

In both cases, I left with what belongings I could while he was out. You can bet that included my dog.

I never talked to them again, and I wasn't the least bit sorry I left. I felt relief and peace. One of them died not long afterwards.

least

What he is doing to you is abuse, and that's never ok. Can you move out and take your dog with you? I'd be afraid for my safety if I were you.

You're right, tho, about not leaving your dog with him. Abusers often hurt their target's pets to get even.

What about YOUR feelings?? Your feelings count too.

megsykreeg

I feel for you. My husband started drinking after five years sober when his mom was dying. Went to rehab for a month, but didn't do much when he got home to not drink, just didn't drink. His mom passed away 3 days after he got home. He was sober for almost six months then started again. Couldn't deal with normal life sober really. Don't ever believe or trust a drunk. My husband said awful things to me when he was drinking. And yes then wanted sex... "Are you kidding me?" I learned to detach from it all to cope.

It escalated while we were on vacation in Punta Cana and I decided I had had enough. I gave him basically an ultimatum. Stop drinking or he couldn't live with me and my daughter, who is 19 mos old and I'm 20 wks pregnant. He decided that he didn't want to lose his family and promised to quit drinking. I then gave him very clear strict guidelines to follow. If he stepped out of even one, he was out of the house. He's followed every single one. I'm still cautious but hopeful.

You have to take care of you. They will either stop drinking or won't. It needs to be his decision. I do think kicking him out of the house or leaving is a good option at this point. I know it's difficult but sometimes we have to make the difficult decisions to protect ourselves and them.

Hugs to you!

DMC

Grab the dog and get the hell out of dodge.
What about you? That sounds like absolute hell.

hopeful4

Oh my dear, you are being seriously manipulated. He is full tilt. He is abusive. GET AWAY FROM HIM. You cannot help that he is sad. You did not cause this, you cannot control this, you cannot cure this. He is going to be violent and hurt you or someone else.

Hugs to you. I am praying for strength for you.

PS...Yes, I did leave. My X was in much the same position. His parents had passed, he was spiraling out of control, awful. Actually I made him leave, actually put him right out the door. Best thing I have ever done!

BellaBlue

I left about 14 years and several children later than I should have. We all bear the emotional scars of his alcoholism even though he's been gone for many years.

There's not much chance that he will get better, unfortunately. He's already crossed way too many lines. Your life will only spiral downward if you stay.

Sorry to be so negative, but it has been my experience with far too many alcoholics in my family. They leave trails of broken hearted and damaged loved ones everywhere they go.

dandylion

Foureyes.....I just read your former post. I am very sorry that you and your dog have been treated like this for so long.
I want to tell you that this is abuse and it is WRONG. There is no excuse for what he is doing...... Millions of people go through weddings and have to bury a parent...but, they do not get to abuse their spouse or dog!!!!!
Being drunk is no excuse for abuse, either.
It is not your fault that he behaves l ike this. It is ALL on his head.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
IT IS WRONG. HE HAS NO RIGHT.

Please read about abuse in the stickies at the top of the main page of this forum. Also, check out the many good websites that are on the internet.

It is verrry important that you understand that abuse always gets worse (just like alcoholism). This is not going to get better. Even if he stops drinking.....he is still an abusive person.

I am glad that you didn't leave the dog alone with him. The poor dog is helpless to help himself.....

There is lots of help and support and help available for you. You don't have to live li ke this.....

dandylion

redatlanta

I haven't left yet because I feel sorry for him Said with kindness - Get over it. This is a disaster.

In addition to his alcoholism I think you have more problems here. I'm sorry his mother died. Life sucks sometimes, and death of a parent is one of those terrible things we have to deal with. For him and for you its become and excuse for abhorrent behavior, and for you to stay right where you are because God help him he is lonely an insecure.

What he is is an abusive alcoholic. You need to get out of this as soon as you possibly can. Like yesterday.

I highly recommend contacting a free DV hotline and have a chat with a counselor. This is confidential and I think would be tremendously helpful for you.

Have you in my prayers. You don't deserve this - nobody does.

suki44883

When he said "Go f@$&*ng make me lunch," what do you think would have happened if you said "Go F@$&*ng make your own lunch!" ?

ladyscribbler

I had to walk away for awhile after reading your OP. Then I came back and read your previous thread, written one month into your marriage. Then I had to walk away again. I'm back now, so here goes.

He actually told me that since we got married, he OWNS me and to look it up in the Bible if I didn't believe him. And a lot of this super-agro behavior is fairly recent. He has even taken to hiding my rings when he's mad at me.

I don't understand how/why he would speak to me the way he does, but then want to spend time with me??

This is from your original thread 2 years ago, and it underlines his mentality. My ex had that same sense of entitlement. Drinking brought it to the forefront, but it was always there.
Of course I wanted to blame the drinking for all of his bad behavior- the verbal abuse (which escalated to physical) the raging at me, the kids, the animals, waking us up in the middle of the night. That way I could focus all of my energy on helping him get sober, which I thought would solve all of our problems.
I did a temporary separation (we weren't married and had no property together). I didn't realize how much stress I was under, how much unacceptable behavior I was choosing to endure in the name of "love" until I was away from it for several weeks.
Of course he was supposed to be getting sober, working a program, insert lie here. He told me what I wanted to hear, and I wanted to believe him so I ignored my gut and went back. Of course he was drinking and his behavior was worse than ever, plus he had to punish me for "abandoning" him.
Once I'd had a taste of peace, it was impossible for me to continue living in the chaotic cycle of drunken abuse and (most shameful for me) exposing my sons to it. I left for good a few weeks after that.
He is still drinking and trying to continue his abuse via the legal system in a custody case, but I am navigating that pretty well. The tactics that used to reduce me to tears or panic barely merit an eyeroll these days, and he is more and more just a pathetic, washed-up, drunken waste of space. It's actually embarrassing to think about how much of a hold he used to have over me.
Thank you for reaching out again. I think that an individual counseling session is a step in the right direction. I would also recommend calling the domestic violence hotline. 1-800-799-SAFE. They can help you make an exit plan if you're ready to take that step. This guy has all the red flags of someone who will be physically abusive, if he hasn't already crossed that line.

dandylion

Ladyscribbler......^^^^^^^^^ very well put. Thanks for your very honest share......

dandylion

Thomas45

Abuse is never okay. You are worried about leaving him because of his feelings, but it sounds like he's not reciprocating and considering yours. I don't know about you, but I would be a lot happier today had I left my ex wife when her abuse really started ramping up.

CarryThatWeight

I think Al Anon would be helpful. You will find support there no matter what you decide. You'd be surprised how many people have stories like yours. Someone said on another thread: when you're done, you're done. And you'll know you're done (paraphrasing). Are you done?

bluetomato

Four - I know what you are going through but yours hit way earlier in the marriage than mine did.

My advice to you is to leave before you have kids, before you have a bunch of debt. You have so much life in front of you. You can pack and take your dog and move back to your original home without kids - if you have children, that is next to impossible.

Read LadyS's post over and over again.

blue

FourEyes

I appreciate the responses. It sucks, but I know I have to leave. And I'm so happy to say I don't have kids. I'm embarrassed though. I don't want to look like a failure. At least I have the support of my parents (emotionally and financially). I did call some domestic abuse hotline. I do need help. I try to be the strong one, but even the strong need a break. I sent him home to spend time with his mom before she passed. And it was fantastic. I got just under a full week of alone time (but still was bombarded with texts and calls from him). But still, it was so calming.

Thanks again for the input.

And for the record, I did tell him to go make his own effing lunch.

redatlanta

I don't want to look like a failure.

The failure would be staying because you feel bad. Major Fail.

And for the record, I did tell him to go make his own effing lunch

Sara21

You would NOT be a failure if you got out of an abusive relationship, you would be a survivor. Someone who was strong enough to say" I will not allow you (or anyone else) to treat me this way. I deserve to be treated with love, kindness and respect from my partner."

Yes, it's difficult to go through with a divorce. But believe me, there are worse things than going through a divorce, like staying with someone who makes you miserable. Sending you lots of hugs.