urkillingme2

Hi. I'm so lost and frustrated and I don't know if I will find more hurt or help here, but I need to get this off my chest, and maybe someone here will understand what I'm going through and perhaps has some helpful advice... So my boyfriend is a heroin addict. I have known for over two years now.. We have had a very on/off relationship because of it, and I left him last year around this time because I didn't know what else to do anymore... A month later we reconnected and he went to a 12-step inpatient facility. He seemed to be working the program for a while.. He always came home from meetings motivated-until some of the people he exchanged numbers with fell off and we're trying to borrow money etc. he stopped going all together and dissed the whole NA program.. He was still keeping up with his intensive outpatient and once that was complete-regular outpatient.. Then his mom has open heart surgery and less than a week later his fav aunt died.. Him with very little coping skills went right back to the dope.. It got dodgy for a while and I reached out to the inpatient and his outpatient counsellors. During his next meeting with his counselor he seemed to get back on track with being clean.. I found out I was pregnant and was initially thinking the best thing to do would be to not have the child due to such early recovery etc... When I told him he cried happy tears and was so excited. I shared with him my concerns and how I can't have a baby with him if he's not going to be serious about sobriety because I don't want to raise another child alone (I already have a daughter whose father isn't involved-but not due to drugs, just due to scumbaggery) Things were great for a while. Then he lost his job a few months later. And again-he took right to using. Saying he's depressed this that the other. Hardly even got out of bed for two months.. Only motivated to get out to cop. I cried plead screamed.. To the point that I just calmly told him he had till my daughter was done with school. If he didn't have it together with a track record showing he was on path to sobriety then we were leaving him.. He struggled cold turkey off-on. Finally I got him to agree to do a suboxone program. That worked for about a month before he started selling the subs to get dope. It spiraled out of control... He was wild. Rabid almost.. My daughter n I packed a bag and took sanctuary at my mothers. His sister had moved down a few weeks prior so I left knowing there would be someone to monitor him to make sure he didn't die of an OD.... And that's exactly what he did. He chewed a klonopin and shot up and his sister heard a thud up in our room and found him blue. Off to the hospital they went. He seemed remorseful in the ER saying how he will do whatever I want to keep us together, etc but then once he sobered up-checked himself out and walked home and was acting like everything was a big joke. That he only OD'd bc of the k-pin and he was annoyed he was sent to the hospital.. He turned so nasty and cold. Meanwhile I am 7.5 months pregnant and hysterically crying and so stressed I'm surprised I haven't gone into premature labor.. His mother comes down from out of state and is on his side treating me like I'm the enemy.. ?!?! I bought new locks for our house bc his sister thought she heard someone trying to get in with a key (one was missing) and I didn't get a new key to my own home.. So again-pregnant (big and!), father of unborn child OD'd and is acting like a maniac, family is treating me like I'm the bad guy, and I can't even access my own belongings... These people are f-ing nuts. I keep trying to explain to my daughter in the easiest way a 9-yo can understand why I just ripped her from her home, but all she does is cry about how she misses him... I decide to distract her with a road trip. Beneficial to us both. Beach, environment change, visit old friends, away from all the toxicity..,, while I'm away-he stops using, but substitutes with a heavy amount of vodka... Apparently he nearly kills his mom n sis while she was driving (fleeing from a dealer that came to the house apparently). His sis called the police n he ended up staying the night in a mental health facility.. That next day his sis had an intervention planned for him. Which-I was kept completely in the dark on. I was not allowed to be involved in the choosing of the place or anything. In fact-I had to BEG to get any information at all on it... He agreed to go, and was on a plane the next day with the facility's interventionist... ((Yay!!!)) Before he agreed to go he called me. Wanting my feedback. I told him that if he didn't go there was no us-that I can't trust him with my already existing daughter, let alone an infant... He said ok-and he would call me back. When he did call back we only spoke for 4 minutes. I told him how happy I am he's going, that he cannot wait (he wanted to wait 6 weeks before going) because he will talk himself out of it-right now he was scared and remorseful-that now was the time, how much I loved him etc... During this call I'm getting tons of texts to get off the phone with him-that I'm going to ruin this-blah blah.... ?!?! So, he's somewhere in Oklahoma right now at a narconon facility. I'm super happy he is somewhere getting treatment, and it's not 12-step based (since he doesn't give in to their theories) so that's good, but I'm leery at best at its links to Scientology... I do have a friend of a friend that has 11years and running recovery from their program, but I want to know more... I can't find any real statistics backing up their claimed high success rate. Anyone have any feedback?! I don't know what to do. I love this man-so much.. But given the pattern I have seen I am terrified to have him involved with this baby. And the way his family treated me during a crisis isn't warming either... I understand that I left-but what other choice did he leave me with?! Staying was only enabling him, and it was putting both my and my daughters lives at risk... It wasn't safe for a child. I just don't think I have the luxury of seeing how things pan out... I think I need to move away from here-and if he can keep it together, I hope he follows and wins us back.... Does any of this make any kind of rational sense? Has anyone been in my shoes? Part of me feels selfish like I'm only thinking of myself-but the other part of me knows I poured all of my energy into this man for the past two years and all he did was take and take and left me depleted. I cannot do that anymore. My babies deserve better.. They need all of me. There is so so much more. But I just can't translate it all to written word without sounding completely bonkers and all over the place... Any advice???? Please?? Thanks.

Ruby2

"Has anyone been in my shoes?"

I think many of us have been in your shoes. My addict husband relapsed when I was pregnant with our first child. I spent too many sleepless nights to count, pacing the floor, staring out the window looking for his car while he was out getting high. Worried out of my mind. That was my first taste of what being married to an addict was like.

In retrospect, I should have dumped him then and there. I didn't though. I'm still married to him and we have two children now. He cycles in and out of sobriety. Over and over. And again and again. I kept hoping that it would end and that he would finally "get" it and stop. Hasn't happened yet. It's been ten years now.

Take care of you, your daughter and your unborn child. Those are the most important things in your life right now. Don't worry about him although that is easier said than done. Get support from your family if you can. Don't look to his.

Melissa0067

Seems to me that the recurring theme in all these posts is that we all want them to "get it " and then our lives are going to magically get better and we will have the love that we want. I guess it's a decision to either stay and know that this will probably be the roller coaster for the rest of your life or leave and keep your sanity.

You have a daughter and another baby on the way. The reality of it is that you should probably leave and be the best mom you can. Maybe someday down the road I'll get it together and be the person you want him to be but I wouldn't count on it. Put the children above everyone, including yourself.

I would say he has to have at least one year of being clean and sober and self-sufficient and responsible. Maybe then you can try again but there's still no guarantee. The only good thing about me being alone, not having any kids, is it's my choice affects only me.

Keep coming on here and posting, vent, rant, lean on all the people you can, do whatever it takes to do what you know you need to do. It's so much easier said than done for all of us, I'm trying my best too. Today I don't even know if he's dead or alive but I'm trying to keep to the no contact.

atalose

I think this is where YOUR recovery needs to begin. Understanding how you enabled him and why you continued to put your life and your daughters life into the hands of an addict. And getting some help with counseling so you don't bank your futrue and your childrens future on the outcome of an addict attempting recovery AGAIN.

His addiction will be life long. It's a pretty good bet that there is going to be many AGAINS, and AGAINS........... one of the best indicators of someone future behaviors is with their past behaviors.

Now is the time you really need to try your hardest to JUST focus on you and your future seperate from him or any come on his part.