Coldhearted #2
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Coldhearted #2
Hello. I didn't know if I should continue in my first thread or start a new one. And then I wonder am I posting in the right group at all. Yes, I do have a sister that is an addict, but my main concern is how to deal with my father. As I have tried to create healthy boundaries, he has given ultimatums. (spelling)? But this has driven me to this thread and to therapy at Hope house.
I had huge anxiety about Father's Day. How could I not address it? I mean, I should, I thought. So I got a card Saturday and put it in his mailbox. The card did have a phrase that said blessings from above so I underlined it and mentioned that it made me think of his dad who just recently passed two days ago and that I hoped his day was as could as it could be.
His response in a text to me basically said ---he was given the card and in it I made a reference to his father but not him. Which was true. I really didn't know what to say to him. He told me during his adult life anytime his dad needed him he was there and happy to do whatever he was asked. But when he was up against something I refused him the one act of pushing 10 numbers and two mins of my time (to call my sister). He has lost his dad and now it appears he has lost his children (all of those outside of the addict) b/c he asked us all to do something we should have done on our own. Told me to spend my day thinking about that.
I know this is likely all jumbled, I wish you all could be in my pocket. No matter what I am to do or not do --- I will be wrong. Tomorrow is the funeral for my sister's husband who died in the overdose that they last did together. My other sister and brother still do not plan to go. Are adamant that they won't, but support whatever I choose. My plan is for my husband to go with me. I have let him know that I don't want to be one second without him. I imagine, I am setting myself up for some craziness, but hoping I can be there without any incidents. I am sorry for my nephew who is without a dad. I have concerns about how I can go and not say anything to my sister. I have been dealing with my thoughts on that but feel as though my dad keeps driving a wedge. I really don't have anything to say to her, but did think about getting a card so if we are face to face handing it to her and letting her know that this is what I can do for now. In the card, I am not sure what to write, other than I am sorry that a life has been lost and it's still not too late? IDK. Still feeling anxious.
I had huge anxiety about Father's Day. How could I not address it? I mean, I should, I thought. So I got a card Saturday and put it in his mailbox. The card did have a phrase that said blessings from above so I underlined it and mentioned that it made me think of his dad who just recently passed two days ago and that I hoped his day was as could as it could be.
His response in a text to me basically said ---he was given the card and in it I made a reference to his father but not him. Which was true. I really didn't know what to say to him. He told me during his adult life anytime his dad needed him he was there and happy to do whatever he was asked. But when he was up against something I refused him the one act of pushing 10 numbers and two mins of my time (to call my sister). He has lost his dad and now it appears he has lost his children (all of those outside of the addict) b/c he asked us all to do something we should have done on our own. Told me to spend my day thinking about that.
I know this is likely all jumbled, I wish you all could be in my pocket. No matter what I am to do or not do --- I will be wrong. Tomorrow is the funeral for my sister's husband who died in the overdose that they last did together. My other sister and brother still do not plan to go. Are adamant that they won't, but support whatever I choose. My plan is for my husband to go with me. I have let him know that I don't want to be one second without him. I imagine, I am setting myself up for some craziness, but hoping I can be there without any incidents. I am sorry for my nephew who is without a dad. I have concerns about how I can go and not say anything to my sister. I have been dealing with my thoughts on that but feel as though my dad keeps driving a wedge. I really don't have anything to say to her, but did think about getting a card so if we are face to face handing it to her and letting her know that this is what I can do for now. In the card, I am not sure what to write, other than I am sorry that a life has been lost and it's still not too late? IDK. Still feeling anxious.
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So you reached out, made a kind gesture for Father's Day and he used it as a vehicle for his ongoing guilt trip.
It sounds like he's got it built up in his head that the whole family "coming together" will somehow make your sister see the light and get clean. Since nothing else has worked, and he's face to face with the harsh reality of your bil's overdose and death, he's probably desperate to force a solution that he thinks will "fix" your sister's problem once and for all.
As hurtful as his behavior has been, it's not personally about you. That doesn't mean it's acceptable behavior, but it sounds like he's been trying to fix this for years without success. Nothing he's done has worked, and instead of educating himself about addiction, he's decided that since he's done everything, it must be the fault of you and your siblings for not getting on board with his plans to get your sister sober.
You guys know there's nothing you can do for her unless she wants to change. He's still living on that ragged edge of desperation searching for the magic bullet.
I think if you want to go to the funeral, you should go. It's also smart that you're taking your husband along for moral support. I also think the card idea is a good one.
I know your dad is putting a lot of pressure on you to say certain things to your sister, but that's because he still thinks there are some magic words that will get through to her. It doesn't need to be any more complicated than, "I love you. I'm sorry for your loss." The card idea is also a good one.
This is a funeral service to mourn someone who lost their life due to drug abuse. Sorry your dad is trying to turn it into something else, but you can choose not to go along with that.
It sounds like he's got it built up in his head that the whole family "coming together" will somehow make your sister see the light and get clean. Since nothing else has worked, and he's face to face with the harsh reality of your bil's overdose and death, he's probably desperate to force a solution that he thinks will "fix" your sister's problem once and for all.
As hurtful as his behavior has been, it's not personally about you. That doesn't mean it's acceptable behavior, but it sounds like he's been trying to fix this for years without success. Nothing he's done has worked, and instead of educating himself about addiction, he's decided that since he's done everything, it must be the fault of you and your siblings for not getting on board with his plans to get your sister sober.
You guys know there's nothing you can do for her unless she wants to change. He's still living on that ragged edge of desperation searching for the magic bullet.
I think if you want to go to the funeral, you should go. It's also smart that you're taking your husband along for moral support. I also think the card idea is a good one.
I know your dad is putting a lot of pressure on you to say certain things to your sister, but that's because he still thinks there are some magic words that will get through to her. It doesn't need to be any more complicated than, "I love you. I'm sorry for your loss." The card idea is also a good one.
This is a funeral service to mourn someone who lost their life due to drug abuse. Sorry your dad is trying to turn it into something else, but you can choose not to go along with that.
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