How to let go of "desirable options"?
Better when never is never
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
How to let go of "desirable options"?
One of my sticking points is that there are certain special people and situations where I would love to drink, even get drunk. These are rare occasions which may only occur once every few years, say sitting on a beach in Southeast Asia. The thought of closing the door on these rare options really holds me back. I just can't seem to let it go.
Ironically, my exhibited drinking patterns both prevent and have destroyed the chance of these "desirable options" from actually occurring - and I recognize this. This is not the desire to drink normally, but the desire to keep those special options open. Of course, choosing to keep those special options open means I can drink anytime, which is why it is such a sticking point.
How can I let these options go and be at peace with it?
Ironically, my exhibited drinking patterns both prevent and have destroyed the chance of these "desirable options" from actually occurring - and I recognize this. This is not the desire to drink normally, but the desire to keep those special options open. Of course, choosing to keep those special options open means I can drink anytime, which is why it is such a sticking point.
How can I let these options go and be at peace with it?
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Siting on a beach in Southeast Asia sounds pretty cool. Why would you want to ruin it with alcohol?
That voice in my head that tells me alcohol will enhance a situation is a liar. I quit listening to the advice of a liar.
That voice in my head that tells me alcohol will enhance a situation is a liar. I quit listening to the advice of a liar.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: South Africa
Posts: 168
I'd like to sit on the beach now as well. How about if in that situation, you have a very fancy virgin cocktail. something festive and fruity 
I know what you mean though but I have realised that alcohol is always desirable in these instances because it seems like a better time... but it actually ruins a great experience... one drink, going well, five drinks, all hell... we all know we won't stop at one and I just feel like having one is a waste of time.
Look at your surroundings, take it in when in those desirable moments... it will look so much better without the fog. I think when you are in those situations, you wouldn't even want a drink!
I know what you mean though but I have realised that alcohol is always desirable in these instances because it seems like a better time... but it actually ruins a great experience... one drink, going well, five drinks, all hell... we all know we won't stop at one and I just feel like having one is a waste of time. Look at your surroundings, take it in when in those desirable moments... it will look so much better without the fog. I think when you are in those situations, you wouldn't even want a drink!
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Speaking for myself its accepting that it will never ever be the way our heads told us it would be via in the form of our AV.... that brings me peace
I think all this stuff is pure AV & the more you learn to defend against it & resist the better life gets imo
Have you considered meetings, following a recovery programme, addiction counseling etc ?
I think all this stuff is pure AV & the more you learn to defend against it & resist the better life gets imo
Have you considered meetings, following a recovery programme, addiction counseling etc ?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
I used to travel, taking road trips all the time, but my drinking caused horrible anxiety and gradually my world shrank to my house, work and the bottle. It's awfully limiting.
I thought about those special occasions. Still do, actually, but I take my sobriety one day at a time. I don't project into the future because I limit my options when I pick up a drink today. Take alcohol off the table today. If those special occasions come up, deal with them nearer the event. Do you want these special occasions or people to come along as an excuse to drink or do you want them to savor and share?
I thought about those special occasions. Still do, actually, but I take my sobriety one day at a time. I don't project into the future because I limit my options when I pick up a drink today. Take alcohol off the table today. If those special occasions come up, deal with them nearer the event. Do you want these special occasions or people to come along as an excuse to drink or do you want them to savor and share?
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Boston, MA.
Posts: 1,756
Originally Posted by jazzfish 
One of my sticking points is that there are certain special people and situations where I would love to drink, even get drunk. These are rare occasions which may only occur once every few years, say sitting on a beach in Southeast Asia. The thought of closing the door on these rare options really holds me back. I just can't seem to let it go.
Ironically, my exhibited drinking patterns both prevent and have destroyed the chance of these "desirable options" from actually occurring - and I recognize this. This is not the desire to drink normally, but the desire to keep those special options open. Of course, choosing to keep those special options open means I can drink anytime, which is why it is such a sticking point.
How can I let these options go and be at peace with it?
Ironically, my exhibited drinking patterns both prevent and have destroyed the chance of these "desirable options" from actually occurring - and I recognize this. This is not the desire to drink normally, but the desire to keep those special options open. Of course, choosing to keep those special options open means I can drink anytime, which is why it is such a sticking point.
How can I let these options go and be at peace with it?
Living in Boston; those "special" moments were when I visited Baltihell to see my "boys". Well evidently it was one of those special moments that led me to my inevitable downfall & the hell I'm in now.
Not saying it would happen to you; but I found out it was like playing Russian roulette & this time I lost.
A very hard lesson to learn for me. That even at " special " moments I just can't drink plain & simple. I accept that & I myself have been working to get past it myself. It's hard just think will it lead you to a better place or the same ole same ?!? Just a thought.
Dennis
My name is August West, and I love my Pearly Baker best more than my wine.
More than my wine - more than my maker, though he's no friend of mine.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
What about if the Packers win, or a job promotion or celebratory time - birth, wedding, anniversary, T-day, or Christmas. What about drinking on Friday night or Tuesday or every other Saturday????
A beach in Southeast Asia?? Really>>>> what a romantic vision with King Alcohol!
My vision is different now - one where I am not in bondage to poison any longer. A vision of freedom - both of movement (go anywhere, anytime) and one of mental peace (not thinking about the wonderful time I will allow myself to drink again)
Not long ago I saw a young guy in a meeting. He was an amazing greenish / yellow color and was in endstage liver failure. He shared about wanting to quit, having to quit - but could not imagine life with or without alcohol. He had reached the jumping off point as it's called.........
For true alcoholics this is the way it ends. Not on a pristine SE Asian beach drinking Mai Tai's or whatever.
Greenish / yellow is the new color of bondage..........
Thanks for the post - I too have had this vision and posting about it helps!
Mine was waking up in Greece and drinking warm ouzo by the Aegean sea - Wow......how sad that my fantasy includes King Alcohol.
Not anymore
A beach in Southeast Asia?? Really>>>> what a romantic vision with King Alcohol!
My vision is different now - one where I am not in bondage to poison any longer. A vision of freedom - both of movement (go anywhere, anytime) and one of mental peace (not thinking about the wonderful time I will allow myself to drink again)
Not long ago I saw a young guy in a meeting. He was an amazing greenish / yellow color and was in endstage liver failure. He shared about wanting to quit, having to quit - but could not imagine life with or without alcohol. He had reached the jumping off point as it's called.........
For true alcoholics this is the way it ends. Not on a pristine SE Asian beach drinking Mai Tai's or whatever.
Greenish / yellow is the new color of bondage..........
Thanks for the post - I too have had this vision and posting about it helps!
Mine was waking up in Greece and drinking warm ouzo by the Aegean sea - Wow......how sad that my fantasy includes King Alcohol.
Not anymore
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Originally Posted by Flynbuy
Greenish / yellow is the new color of bondage..........
I also fantasize and worry about future drinking opportunities..... I agree that the best thing in theory is to just focus on right now.
But I'm not the best person to be doling out advice.... sometimes I win the internal battle and sometimes I lose.
Better when never is never
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
Thanks for all the replies. It's not so much that I don't understand how that thought is incompatible with my drinking pattern, and all the implications it has for my life and health. It's that I can't get that thought out of my head. It just keeps coming back.
I did live in Asia for many years and have some great memories drinking with friends on a beach before alcohol turned on me. Of course, I also watched a couple people leave this earth too soon because of it.
I did live in Asia for many years and have some great memories drinking with friends on a beach before alcohol turned on me. Of course, I also watched a couple people leave this earth too soon because of it.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
If you have a clause in your recovery plan for "special' occasions, it's the same as not having a plan at all, because at some point the definition of special will be so loose, that you are bound to find a reason to drink.
I can't tell you HOW to get rid of the thoughts of finding exceptions to not drinking except be aware of it and ignore it. Your addiction wants to rationalize drinking, and it will pick away at your resolve because some part of you still wants to drink, be it only some .01% of the time. The big plan is zero drinking. Accept it.
I can't tell you HOW to get rid of the thoughts of finding exceptions to not drinking except be aware of it and ignore it. Your addiction wants to rationalize drinking, and it will pick away at your resolve because some part of you still wants to drink, be it only some .01% of the time. The big plan is zero drinking. Accept it.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
I think you need to have faith that you will be able to get through special situations like that and not feel like you need to drink. You will gain confidence and your perspective will shift.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: canada
Posts: 748
The fantasy of drinking is better than the reality and you get through it by being sober one day at a time. I booked a trip to SE Asia a year in advance and was planning to party and booze it up with plans to attend a full moon beach party where I planned to go all out. I got sober before I went and started the trip with 4 months of sobriety. I wouldn't trade one minute of the experience. I was able to get up early and stay up late and every day was packed with wonderful experiences that I could never have had if I was drunk and hungover all the time.
Sure, it takes a bit of planning. We purposely stayed away from party areas which meant we stayed at quieter places a bit more out of the way, but the trade off was that we got to experience real Thai culture and meet real people instead of mashing around on a beach with thousands of other tourists eating over priced mediocre tourist food and paying to see shows that would give us an artificial recreation of the "real" Thailand. Instead we roamed the country and even got to a little border town where we nervously slipped into Myanmar for a few minutes to get our ********* stamped.
It'd be dishonest to say I didn't have a few cravings here and there, especially in a pool with others around lounging in the sun with their little fruity umbrella drinks, but at the end of the day I found it was not really any different than dealing with a craving at home. You have a plan and stick to it and an hour later you're so grateful you're still sober.
Sure, it takes a bit of planning. We purposely stayed away from party areas which meant we stayed at quieter places a bit more out of the way, but the trade off was that we got to experience real Thai culture and meet real people instead of mashing around on a beach with thousands of other tourists eating over priced mediocre tourist food and paying to see shows that would give us an artificial recreation of the "real" Thailand. Instead we roamed the country and even got to a little border town where we nervously slipped into Myanmar for a few minutes to get our ********* stamped.
It'd be dishonest to say I didn't have a few cravings here and there, especially in a pool with others around lounging in the sun with their little fruity umbrella drinks, but at the end of the day I found it was not really any different than dealing with a craving at home. You have a plan and stick to it and an hour later you're so grateful you're still sober.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
take the "special" out of the occasion and away from the person.
what's rare is not therefore more "special" than what's common.
the moment on the beach is full of what you're adding to it by fantasy and of "specialness" not because it's special but because there is the connection you are giving it/fabricating that it is a drinking occasion.
soon enough, any day ending in y is special.
(as it should be, in a healthy way)
jazzfish,
i had those images in my head. that's what they were: images with habits and desires and wantwantwant and romantizising lies attached to them about how drinking is required to add to the specialness. how drinking is the "real" thing that makes sitting at a beach "special". what hogwash!
one thing i did do , very consciously, is root through my cache of images of occasions in the future and then re-wrote the script put different pictures in. re-took the picture of the beach. of the sunset. of being with the special dear person on a special occasion.
all doable.
i didn't attempt to stop the thought: i listened to it closely and then changed it.
and now i'll go take pooch swimming in a crystal-clear creek. which is always a special occasion
what's rare is not therefore more "special" than what's common.
the moment on the beach is full of what you're adding to it by fantasy and of "specialness" not because it's special but because there is the connection you are giving it/fabricating that it is a drinking occasion.
soon enough, any day ending in y is special.
(as it should be
, in a healthy way)jazzfish,
i had those images in my head. that's what they were: images with habits and desires and wantwantwant and romantizising lies attached to them about how drinking is required to add to the specialness. how drinking is the "real" thing that makes sitting at a beach "special". what hogwash!
one thing i did do , very consciously, is root through my cache of images of occasions in the future and then re-wrote the script put different pictures in. re-took the picture of the beach. of the sunset. of being with the special dear person on a special occasion.
all doable.
i didn't attempt to stop the thought: i listened to it closely and then changed it.
and now i'll go take pooch swimming in a crystal-clear creek. which is always a special occasion
A simple guy making his way
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
My problem is that I can then justify these rare events with something less rare. Like a day ending in Y.
I cannot drink. I will not drink. And I will not change my mind.
Sorry if that's not helpful advice but you pose a question that, when understood at a personal level, is simply black or white. Not the gray you propose.
I cannot drink. I will not drink. And I will not change my mind.
Sorry if that's not helpful advice but you pose a question that, when understood at a personal level, is simply black or white. Not the gray you propose.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 984
Jazz, I've had very similar thoughts and a very hard time wrapping my head around never drinking again, no matter what.
Rather than try to get rid of those thoughts or beat them, I've just agreed with myself that I'll assess each situation as it comes up. Recently, I had a bachelor party one weekend, then a long holiday weekend, then back-to-back weekends of weddings. It seemed impossible to get through those 4 weekends totally sober as each seemed like a special occasion (maybe not so much Memorial Day, but certainly the other three). I just took it one weekend at a time and made a game plan the week leading up to it. After the bachelor party, my confidence rose, after Memorial Day, even higher. Then I buckled down and focused on wedding #1. In the back of my head, I know I was telling myself "just do the first wedding sober and you can drink for the second one." Well, after the first was a lot more enjoyable sober than weddings I'd been to and gotten drunk and embarrassed myself, it made game planning for the 2nd wedding that much easier.
Now with 4th of July coming up, I have a lot more sober tools and strategies and I'm not too worried. But I know I'll need a much more finite plan as it approaches.
So, basically is what I'm saying is don't get caught up in forever. Take it one day, one week, one month, whatever, at a time and game plan for a specific event when it's in the near future.
I'm now sober for 123 days of the last 124. My one mess up was something that popped up that I hadn't prepared for, but now I know how to deal with it. Also, with 4 months with just one night of drinking, I realize that it's very possible to go a long period taking it one day at a time and I'm now more comfortable thinking about sobriety over a longer term.
Rather than try to get rid of those thoughts or beat them, I've just agreed with myself that I'll assess each situation as it comes up. Recently, I had a bachelor party one weekend, then a long holiday weekend, then back-to-back weekends of weddings. It seemed impossible to get through those 4 weekends totally sober as each seemed like a special occasion (maybe not so much Memorial Day, but certainly the other three). I just took it one weekend at a time and made a game plan the week leading up to it. After the bachelor party, my confidence rose, after Memorial Day, even higher. Then I buckled down and focused on wedding #1. In the back of my head, I know I was telling myself "just do the first wedding sober and you can drink for the second one." Well, after the first was a lot more enjoyable sober than weddings I'd been to and gotten drunk and embarrassed myself, it made game planning for the 2nd wedding that much easier.
Now with 4th of July coming up, I have a lot more sober tools and strategies and I'm not too worried. But I know I'll need a much more finite plan as it approaches.
So, basically is what I'm saying is don't get caught up in forever. Take it one day, one week, one month, whatever, at a time and game plan for a specific event when it's in the near future.
I'm now sober for 123 days of the last 124. My one mess up was something that popped up that I hadn't prepared for, but now I know how to deal with it. Also, with 4 months with just one night of drinking, I realize that it's very possible to go a long period taking it one day at a time and I'm now more comfortable thinking about sobriety over a longer term.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Accepting that I am an alcoholic who wants to remain sober, I've forfeited my dubious participation in "special events" with respect to drinking.
When I relapsed for three years ~seven years ago, I "decided" that I'd only drink -- I don't even know how to express it at this point -- when there was a "good reason" to drink. My "decision" was based on the (then) fact that I was able to restrict my drinking to weekends at first, and I was happy that I'd changed in the twenty five years I was sober to the extent that I didn't need to drink all the time. It was a miracle to me, believing as I did that I was the exceptional case. (You see, I hadn't been taking care of myself or my recovery for several years prior to my relapse, and I never experienced any real cravings during that time, so I must be "okay.")
In retrospect, the reality was that, due to my not having had a drink in so many years, my body didn't need as much alcohol as it did before I got sober, so I simply didn't crave it so much. That would change. I expanded my definition of "good reasons" to drink, and it all seemed perfectly natural to me...at first. Meeting up with a friend or friends, going on dates, going to concerts, going skating, going to Central Park, going to the movies. I didn't allow myself to see that "sitting alone at home" most nights would also become a "good reason" to drink. It got to a point when I stopped doing a lot of the things that I liked doing, and then mostly stayed at home or drank in local pubs and restaurants in order "be social."
Limiting my drinking to "special occasions" is only a particular instance of drinking like "normal people" which, again, I had long ago demonstrated in dramatic fashion and on hundreds of occasions that I could not do safely. It's more often than not my thinking that gets me in trouble, and I don't think that I'm alone in this. Deciding to drink on "special occasions" or for a "good reason" was only a launching pad for me to start drinking again 'round the clock. I'd made several conditional promises to myself about stopping or getting help were things to go badly again, but it took me losing everything in order to do that. Though I took note of the gathering storm in my peripheral vision, I convinced myself that it would quickly pass, and that I'd happily go on drinking in its aftermath. And I still didn't want to get sober when I desperately needed help; it wasn't until I was sober for several months before I was willing to honestly give sobriety a chance.
What started out as special occasions/good reasons for me, the "special" part of each occasion later took on a sadly ironic twist, ending in near-total destruction. I'd had a few brushes with death, an attempted suicide and, as above, I lost everything. And all this started with just a few drinks, here and there, that convinced me I was okay with drinking. I imagine that there's nothing more "special" than self-obliteration.
When I relapsed for three years ~seven years ago, I "decided" that I'd only drink -- I don't even know how to express it at this point -- when there was a "good reason" to drink. My "decision" was based on the (then) fact that I was able to restrict my drinking to weekends at first, and I was happy that I'd changed in the twenty five years I was sober to the extent that I didn't need to drink all the time. It was a miracle to me, believing as I did that I was the exceptional case. (You see, I hadn't been taking care of myself or my recovery for several years prior to my relapse, and I never experienced any real cravings during that time, so I must be "okay.")
In retrospect, the reality was that, due to my not having had a drink in so many years, my body didn't need as much alcohol as it did before I got sober, so I simply didn't crave it so much. That would change. I expanded my definition of "good reasons" to drink, and it all seemed perfectly natural to me...at first. Meeting up with a friend or friends, going on dates, going to concerts, going skating, going to Central Park, going to the movies. I didn't allow myself to see that "sitting alone at home" most nights would also become a "good reason" to drink. It got to a point when I stopped doing a lot of the things that I liked doing, and then mostly stayed at home or drank in local pubs and restaurants in order "be social."
Limiting my drinking to "special occasions" is only a particular instance of drinking like "normal people" which, again, I had long ago demonstrated in dramatic fashion and on hundreds of occasions that I could not do safely. It's more often than not my thinking that gets me in trouble, and I don't think that I'm alone in this. Deciding to drink on "special occasions" or for a "good reason" was only a launching pad for me to start drinking again 'round the clock. I'd made several conditional promises to myself about stopping or getting help were things to go badly again, but it took me losing everything in order to do that. Though I took note of the gathering storm in my peripheral vision, I convinced myself that it would quickly pass, and that I'd happily go on drinking in its aftermath. And I still didn't want to get sober when I desperately needed help; it wasn't until I was sober for several months before I was willing to honestly give sobriety a chance.
What started out as special occasions/good reasons for me, the "special" part of each occasion later took on a sadly ironic twist, ending in near-total destruction. I'd had a few brushes with death, an attempted suicide and, as above, I lost everything. And all this started with just a few drinks, here and there, that convinced me I was okay with drinking. I imagine that there's nothing more "special" than self-obliteration.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
Drinking, to me, is not a "desirable option". It only means returning to that hell I left over five years ago. I don't want to go back there so drinking for any reason is NOT an option. I'm much happier sober and won't mess that up.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I'd like to listen to bob marley or jimmy buffet and sit at a nice bar in the keys watching the sunset after a nice day of snorkling and laying ont he beach and well drinking all day.
The fantasy of the above sounds great. Here is the reality. I probably wouldnt get much snorkling done. I'd end up at the bar the music might be good and only get better the drunker i get but I'd be seeing triple by the nights end and wondering how to get home. I'd pass out drunk maybe puke and have a hangover from hell the following morning and feel like death wondering if the prior days nonsense was even worth it since the fantasy never did play out it should have. Then being the sick person i am I'd probably repeat this misery all over again.
See the thing is I dont think it ever was a desireable option for me. Sure it sounds good but the reality is it just would never work out that way. And yeah that kinda stings but life goes on I'm simply not capable of drinking like a normal person.
The fantasy of the above sounds great. Here is the reality. I probably wouldnt get much snorkling done. I'd end up at the bar the music might be good and only get better the drunker i get but I'd be seeing triple by the nights end and wondering how to get home. I'd pass out drunk maybe puke and have a hangover from hell the following morning and feel like death wondering if the prior days nonsense was even worth it since the fantasy never did play out it should have. Then being the sick person i am I'd probably repeat this misery all over again.
See the thing is I dont think it ever was a desireable option for me. Sure it sounds good but the reality is it just would never work out that way. And yeah that kinda stings but life goes on I'm simply not capable of drinking like a normal person.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
If we had a nut allergy, would we stick to our Drs advice or try to moderate our nut intake, try to make it work, be resentful because we couldn't have any nuts, want to keep some "special options" still open, risk dying over eating a nut!!
Or would we listen to all reason and stay away from all nuts for the good of our health!!
Or would we listen to all reason and stay away from all nuts for the good of our health!!
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