MrPoppet

Hey all and thanks for allowing me to join this forum. I have mild Aspergers and I am from parents who were drinkers and multiple drug users over the course of my whole childhood. There were patches of sobriety in there but many lapses along the way. They are each now a few years sober. And I have moved interstate with my wife of 5 years to live near them.

I could have developed a torrid temper and combatitive attitude as this is what I learned growing up. Yet somehow I have managed to be mostly compassionate and understanding of my wife. However there is one problem I continually have. It may go away for a few months but it always comes back - being faithful.

The type of cheating involves talking to opposite sex chat mates online and seeking compliments and giving compliments back. Almost like a person seeking to 'save' a person and to lift them up with good gestures. The silly thing is I don't really get anything from it. It just feels like it is an addiction and a habit now. Something familiar to do. And it frustrates me. My wife feels betrayed and is losing her self-worth as a result. She feels that there will be no end to this problem.

I have done this to my ex many years ago along with verbal abuse and a horrible temper. I never used to be able to take the smallest of jokes. I have left all of those behind except the online cheating aspect has failed to let go. I never flirt or talk to women in person or in real life. I am just cordial and friendly with them. Yet online I always eventually seek this behaviour.

I have never had an issue with alcohol and never taken any drugs. Right now I am the only living member of my whole immediate family who is not an alcoholic. Yet this problem seems to the issue I can't let go of. I will be resuming my Alanon meetings this week after a 6-year layoff. A truly hardheaded mistake as if I kept attending this may have never been an issue in my marriage now.

It will be a rollercoaster of emotions like any other again but it would be a small price to pay for saving my marriage and showing my wife that I am truly the man she believes in and loves unconditionally.

I don't know if this behaviour has anything to do with being an ACOA. It would be most kind if some of you could shed your views on it. Thanks for this opportunity.

makomago

No obsession works….

This is something that a gentleman I call my mentor has said to me (and others) many times.

An obsession narrows the view of the world, becomes all encompassing, peripheral vision (of the rest of life) is diminished maybe even lost.

Addiction or obessions can take many forms – substance (alcohol, drugs, food) or non substance (gambling, work[aholism], sex & love, pornography to name but a few).

Non substance, or process addiction uses the store of inside drugs in just the same way as an alcoholic uses alcohol. This is para-alcoholism.

According to the ACA Big Red Book; “Para alcoholism underpins codependence and describes the inner drive of the codependent” . Trait 8 of the laundry list is; Became addicted to excitement i.e. the inner drug which is fear based. Why… because it matches a dysfunctional childhood and is familiar!

“Overpowering feelings ruled our lives through compulsions and obsessions” Big Red Book, ACA, pate 457 (my emphasis)

So to answer your question “I don't know if this behaviour has anything to do with being an ACOA” my view is 100% yes it has everything to do with it.

I form this view based on my experience, what I've heard others share, what I've read on the subject on ACoA.

Kialua

Welcome as you work out your journey. Have you read through the stickies above yet? They are really full of good info. It's also very common to be the "savior" especially if that was your role growing up at all. Mine was. Now I've learned to point others to the way of help for them and then step back. It's really up to them to help themselves, not my role. I fight with this all the time. But some people are not mine to even point them in the right way if it is upsetting my husband. I dragged him into many adventures via my involvement, not his. Not fair to him, he didn't deserve to be my monkey sitting on the sidelines in that circus.

tromboneliness

(Is there no way to delete?) I started to write a post to the effect that that's not really cheating -- but realized that it's not helpful to say that. Everyone's relationship is different, and if something hurts, it hurts. Do you have a sponsor? That might be a good source for help in losing this habit.

T

MrPoppet

It's completely okay with me. And thank you for taking the time to respond. For me it is definitely that the behaviour has the following line:

1. For me It falls 100% under #9 of the 13 characteristics. I am seeking affirmation and approval in not only being a worthwhile friend but also in my own physical appearance, and the ability to boost someone's ego.

2. I am not enjoying this behaviour as much as I used to. It is becoming habitual. I am seeking routine through a very unhealthy habit/addiction and allowing it to consume me.

3. The results of my repeating this behaviour are breaking the trust between my wife and I. And I have not made any firm adjustments to change this behaviour.

I have effectively shut down all social media communication, which is where this would occur. I only have the contact of my close friends from back home right now. And this forum which I hope will start me on the journey of fully understanding my behaviour and any triggers which can be identified.

On the note of a sponsor, I would be humbled if anybody were to offer their hand in being mine. I don't know if anybody on a forum can be a sponsor or if it has to be a more interpersonal relationship, such as a person you see at a physically attended meeting.

Thank you all so far for your information and providing me with matter of fact responses and outlets such as the sticky threads, which I have been reading all morning.

MrPoppet

Thank you everyone for your support so far. This is just an update.

I have undertaken my own 12-step work. I am now onto Step 4 but haven't begun the process or even looked into it. The first step was quite confronting and let out a flood gate of emotions. But I am fully expecting that and embracing it as a possibility. If I don't, there's no way this will work.

I am feeling tremendous value within this forum and the step work. My spouse also sees a positive change and has been supportive all the way.

To everyone out there who has broken free of their alcoholic parents, even if it has been for years, learned behaviours need WORK. As much as I had most of my life's core areas are 'together', I still carry a few traits within myself that I must be aware of. And without self-awareness or the reminder of a loved one that what you are doing is not acceptable, you can easily lose track of yourself and your own actions.

I think a certain level of self-awareness is needed for growth and maturity. Without it in myself I dread to think who I would still be today.

Thank you everyone.

CodeJob

I found the 12 Steps transformative. The work was absolutely worthwhile. All the best to you on Step 4! It is tough but freeing.