MrsD

It's been one week now since I put my husband out of the house. He has no regret, no apologies, he refuses to take any responsibility for his behavior. He refuses rehab. His parents are refusing to help get him into rehab. I am told he has been living in a tent about an hour away. It's absolutely heartbreaking.

This is a goodhearted, faithful, intelligent man with 2 bachelors degrees; he's a father, a star tennis player, a hopeless romantic at times.. and right now he'd rather live in a tent than get help for his drinking so he can come home.

So that's where I'm at. Oh the guilt. We had had a good day when the $#!t suddenly hit the fan last week. I always will wonder what might've happened if I had just stayed quiet and let his tantrum pass.

Liveitwell

^^ I had that thought for quite some time-whst if I had just taken it one more time and kept my mouth shut. Only I knew exactly what would happen the next time and the next time. Your hubs sounds just like my ex-smart, funny, hopeless romantic at times and just an abusive drunk at random moments. I think you threw him out because you knew what would happen the next time. Maybe?

9111111

If nothing changes, nothing changes

Oh the guilt - we've all been there. You did nothing wrong, it just feels wrong.

I left lala land many moons ago and never looked back. It will get better - I promise

SparkleKitty

THAT tantrum might have passed.

And then you'd have just started waiting for the next one.

dandylion

Mrs. D.....living in the woods in a tent is a very popular option , it appears.
It is chosen by many, I assure you.
It is not bad, at first---especially in an area wh ere the weather is decent.
Around most every city there is a tent community.
Sort of like having a camping trip with one's drinking buddies.

But, it does get old after a while.
The novelty probably hasn't worn off, yet....

dandylion

MrsD

I know it would've passed and another one would come along. I just feel so much guilt for giving up on him. That's not like me. And I now wish I had waited for one of the "worse" times.

He's not abusive, I've dealt with that.. he's far from it. I'd feel justified if that were the case. He's just completely emotionally absent lately. He retreats into his head with the drinking and I'm left without a partner. If I thought it would've gotten better, I wouldn't have done this. It just finally dawned on me that this is a lifelong thing for him.

I've spoken to his ex wife of 14 years, it was very discouraging. None of his drinking & the negative attitude & behavior that accompany it are new or temporary. But.. I feel like I kinda knew this and married him anyway, so I feel I am at fault as well, for promising to take this on and then backing out after a few years.

AnvilheadII

hon, I went back and read your prior threads, and I really don't see where this guy has added value to your life....he rarely works, he's surely and disengaged with your children, he has stormed off to mommy and daddy's, he sits on the computer all day, doesn't contribute to the household, etc etc etc.

not seeing the person you describe.......his actions seem much more like the guy who'd rather live in a tent. in the Big Book of AA its called taking the "easier, softer way" - I think perhaps this is more about the progression of HIS disease which he refuses to do anything about than you somehow not doing enough.

Eauchiche

Dear MrsD
My heart goes out to you.
Once upon a time, MrD made promises to love, honor and cherish you for the rest of his life. You absolutely did the right thing by letting him know that he has broken his promises. You made him face the consequences of his actions. This shows tremendous strength of character on your part.
I would also bet that the "good day" you describe that went wrong was, by then, a rare event. That's how we get, you know, where we are happy with a kind word from them. We settle for crumbs that fall from their table while they are practicing their gluttony.
Please keep coming back. Kind thoughts going your way today!

MrsD

A friend of mine who has spent time around us and was not fully aware of the alcoholism but aware of the lack of contribution both financially & emotionally.. said the exact same thing to me more than a year ago.

LexieCat

How are his parents supposed to "help get him into rehab" when he's REFUSING it? Are they supposed to tie him up and drag him there? And even if they did that, if he's going against his will, how is that supposed to help him?

Recovery is hard work. When the alcoholic isn't willing to do that, then all the rehabs in the world won't help.

Incidentally, I know a guy with 20-some years of sobriety who lived in a cardboard box for a while.

chiro

People get high for three reasons:
1. Escape: the helplessness, trapped circumstances in their life with a quick fix or mood changer. (a symptom of underlying loneliness, anxiety, boredom, unbalanced lives, role loss, hormone shifts, grief, etc.
2. Enhance their mood, feel even better.
3. Improve their perceived performance or creativity, to do better.

All change ultimately occurs because of decisions (Thinking) people make for themselves. People change when they HURT enough and have to or when they LEARN enough and want to.

A person's purpose and values are the main navigational tools in recovery and in life. People overcome hurts, habits and hang ups out of purpose-based motivation -- they better themselves when they recognize how their habits, violate who they were, what they want to be, where they want to go in life.

The challenge of recovery is to find meaning and purpose in life. Instead of focusing on what you need to quit or escape from, it is critical to focus on what you want to achieve (goals).

My prayers are with you both. He needs professional help.

MrsD

And I've said before that I think I work from "crumbs" in relationships. Any tiny little positive thing I get thrown, I eat it up and say thank you, even though I know it's not enough to live off of.

You all are wonderful, by the way. I do appreciate the support.

Hope2014

Mrs. D,
My heart breaks for you. I know where you are at as I was in a similar situation. You've already done the hardest part- saying NO and having him out of the equation. No matter how much you blame yourself, or hurt inside, it won't change him. He is the only one That can change his behavior and it doesn't sound like he is currently capable of that. It sounds like he has the emotional maturity of a teenager- which is probably when he started drinking and stopped maturing. From your earlier posts, it seems that not only does he not contribute, but he is being cruel to your younger son with his actions as well.
Thank God he is gone- let him live in a tent feeling sorry for himself. At least he is only hurting himself and not you and your sons. Move on and start your life doing things that are meaningful for YOU. We only get one life and it's not to be wasted on things we can't change.

MrsD

I know they cant make him, but they support him by turning a blind eye to it when they know. They seem to encourage him to believe that its everyone else with the problem, when they know damn well. And we have no health insurance, so realistically he cannot go into treatment very easily unless he gets some help. They're very well off & had no problem dropping 20k to pay off his debt on "forgotten old credit cards" so he could get his security clearance reinstated for a 1 month long job. It's not their responsibility, but if they really want to help him, rehab seems like a better way to spend the money instead of yet another bail out.

It is encouraging to hear about the guy with 20+ years of sobriety who once lived in a cardboard box. I so much want better than this for my husband, whether I'm ever a part of his life again or not. I dont want him to miss out on the life he could have.

AnvilheadII

but he doesn't WANT help with his drinking. he hasn't ASKED them for financial help to get IN to rehab. and by the way, rehab is NOT necessary.....one can stop drinking and get involved in AA, for example. his folks have no more POWER over him than you do.

his drinking problem long preceded you. your catching the tail end of a long ride. I think you said his EX had to take the kids away from him due to his drinking?

how about you focus on the life you CAN have, and your kids CAN have, and let him live the life HE chooses? fair enough? he's a big boy and these are his current big boy choices.

dandylion

MrsD......You really do sound verrrry co=dependent.
You know that they say that when someone is drowning---their life flashes before their eyes? Well, it is said that when an alcoholic drowns, their life flashes before the co-dependents eyes!!
This is what you are reminding me of...lol.....

The good news is that so-dependency can be overcome. There are many living examples of that......
Now, it is up to you to work to ch ange as much as you have wished your husband to change.....if you want you life to change---so that you actually thrive....not just exist.....on a few scattered crumbs.....

dandyion

MrsD

Yep AnvilheadII the ex did, and yep, I'm gonna work on focusing more on my own life. I'm already doing better in the past few months.

What I know I need to do and what I do, though... don't always get along like best buddies in my head. They struggle with each other!

dandylion

MrsD....of course, it is not easy!! You already know that we humans have to be motivated to make changes ......it doesn't come to us easily.
A person has to be willing to suffer some discomfort to gain something better.... I always call that short-term pain for long term gain....
Because it is hard----that is why you will see some of us beating some of the newer ones over the head so much.....lol. (personally, I am very guilty).I think that lots of people expect the changes to be made without any emotional discomfort.....and, if they have any bad feelings...they take that as an indication that they made a "mistake".
LOL! People sooo prefer old pain over new pain---even if there is a promise of future comfort.
You said it your self--that you wish you wish you had stayed with the old pain.....that you wish you had stayed until a bigger pain came along.....
Honey, that kind of th inking has kept some people in destructive relationships decades longer than they should have stayed........

As you work on your co-dependency.....you will be working a lot on y our patience.....LOLlmao

dandylion

lillamy

Let me tell you a story: I waited for a "worse" time. For 20 years.
My ex was also highly intelligent, educated, had a great job, was respected in the community, made good money -- and was a monster behind closed doors.

The "worse" time, when it came, ended with me apologizing to a police officer for inconveniencing them after leaving the home in the middle of the night with my children to escape a murder-suicide threat from my then-husband.

The officer looked me in the eye and said: "I would much rather go and do a welfare check on a drunk guy than go in there a few hours later and carry out an entire family of dead bodies."

Don't think it could happen to you? I didn't think it could happen to me, either.

Don't second-guess your decision to kick him out. He's an adult. If he chooses to live in a tent rather than get help, he has a right to that choice. And you have every right to not live with an adult's temper tantrums unsettling your everyday life.

maybear

I feel guilty at times too, just like you do.

But I think, we are smarter and more knowledgeable than we give ourselves credit for. If your husband was showing you a sense of determination, commitment and willingness towards recovery then maybe you wouldn't be at the point you are at. Where you can no longer 'help'.

Sometimes a lot of damage has been done and you just have nothing left to give. As others have said to me on here, "the well is dry".

It's ok to have just had enough.