So now I'm the mean one....
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
So now I'm the mean one....
Hello everyone. I hope you're having a nice day. Maybe today (father's day) is not an easy day for a lot of people in here, and I can honestly say that it isn't for me.
My A father has never been a real father to me. He's been more like a younger sibling or something.
He has emotionally and economically abused us (mom, brother and I) for my whole life and yet, I give him a present and a hug every year on father's day.
... I just don't feel like doing it this year. What do you suggest?
In another news, yesterday I hung out with mom and left my cellphone at home. It was nice. We went to a restaurant and she said she was still worried about me wanting to be with exabf. She said that my father and him we're very similar, and that exabf was even worse. It made me think a lot because is true... And, if I ever have children, I do not want them to feel responsible for their father's inability to, well, be a real dad.
After that, mom left me at a friend's birthday party and, guess who was there? Yes.... Exabf...
My heart felt scared. I felt scared.
He just basically got near me and said out loud that maybe I was beautiful but that I was a mean person and he would never ever remember me with joy... I ignored it and immediately asked one of my friends to take me home as I didn't expected him to be there (well, it was a bar, but still, no one told me he was going to be there)...
As I arrived home my friend left and apologized for the whole thing.
I didn't wanted to tell mom about this. What he told me was a great food for thought...
I felt like... Wait... So now that I'm no longer your doormat I'm a mean person...? Of course he feels that way. I was his doormat for two years. I believed everything he said. I forgave his insults, his abuse. I took h I m back many times. Of course I have to be mean and horrible now that I called him on his behavior...
It was just so ridiculous.
I felt like "wait... you're the one who's handsome but very mean". lol
If you ask me... I felt scared to see him. I didn't felt the "thing" you feel when you see someone you like or love... I felt scared.
But after his words... I felt pity.
He is like a child. Just like my father....
My A father has never been a real father to me. He's been more like a younger sibling or something.
He has emotionally and economically abused us (mom, brother and I) for my whole life and yet, I give him a present and a hug every year on father's day.
... I just don't feel like doing it this year. What do you suggest?
In another news, yesterday I hung out with mom and left my cellphone at home. It was nice. We went to a restaurant and she said she was still worried about me wanting to be with exabf. She said that my father and him we're very similar, and that exabf was even worse. It made me think a lot because is true... And, if I ever have children, I do not want them to feel responsible for their father's inability to, well, be a real dad.
After that, mom left me at a friend's birthday party and, guess who was there? Yes.... Exabf...
My heart felt scared. I felt scared.
He just basically got near me and said out loud that maybe I was beautiful but that I was a mean person and he would never ever remember me with joy... I ignored it and immediately asked one of my friends to take me home as I didn't expected him to be there (well, it was a bar, but still, no one told me he was going to be there)...
As I arrived home my friend left and apologized for the whole thing.
I didn't wanted to tell mom about this. What he told me was a great food for thought...
I felt like... Wait... So now that I'm no longer your doormat I'm a mean person...? Of course he feels that way. I was his doormat for two years. I believed everything he said. I forgave his insults, his abuse. I took h I m back many times. Of course I have to be mean and horrible now that I called him on his behavior...
It was just so ridiculous.
I felt like "wait... you're the one who's handsome but very mean". lol
If you ask me... I felt scared to see him. I didn't felt the "thing" you feel when you see someone you like or love... I felt scared.
But after his words... I felt pity.
He is like a child. Just like my father....
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 665
I grew to feel that way about my A 'father' on Fathers Day. So I just stopped buying him a card and gift. Didn't feel like I was being true to myself giving him a card saying what a great dad he was, because he wasn't!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm sorry about your dad, and I'm sorry you had to run into the ex, except that it seems you are starting to see him for who he is.
Now, stop beating yourself up for being bamboozled by him. You aren't the first person to be taken in by someone unworthy of your love and emotional energy, and you won't be the last. Think of this as a very painful but VERY valuable lesson.
Now, stop beating yourself up for being bamboozled by him. You aren't the first person to be taken in by someone unworthy of your love and emotional energy, and you won't be the last. Think of this as a very painful but VERY valuable lesson.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
I guess the feelings are mutual then. It is not like you are going to remember him with joy either.
There actually should be an equation for their "feelings." The more distant you are and the less they can control you or affect you, the "meaner" you are. Some instead of "mean" use the B word.
But, it's ok. It is to be expected. That is how their minds work. And you are doing exceptionally well.
There actually should be an equation for their "feelings." The more distant you are and the less they can control you or affect you, the "meaner" you are. Some instead of "mean" use the B word.
But, it's ok. It is to be expected. That is how their minds work. And you are doing exceptionally well.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by healthyagain 
I guess the feelings are mutual then. It is not like you are going to remember him with joy either.
There actually should be an equation for their "feelings." The more distant you are and the less they can control you or affect you, the "meaner" you are. Some instead of "mean" use the B word.
But, it's ok. It is to be expected. That is how their minds work. And you are doing exceptionally well.
There actually should be an equation for their "feelings." The more distant you are and the less they can control you or affect you, the "meaner" you are. Some instead of "mean" use the B word.
But, it's ok. It is to be expected. That is how their minds work. And you are doing exceptionally well.
It sucks to know that I forgave all of that. But at least I'm not there anymore, I guess.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
I'm glad you removed yourself from that situation because he was being abusive and manipulative in saying those things to you. Seeing if he could provoke a response and exercise some control over you.
If nothing else, at least it's confirmed that he hasn't changed!
If nothing else, at least it's confirmed that he hasn't changed!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I'm very glad you left.
I know it shouldn't matter, but know that no one buys his bull either. So he thinks you were mean? Sounds like a very immature comment that should have been followed by "mommy I hate you".
I know it shouldn't matter, but know that no one buys his bull either. So he thinks you were mean? Sounds like a very immature comment that should have been followed by "mommy I hate you".
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Originally Posted by maybear
I'm glad you removed yourself from that situation because he was being abusive and manipulative in saying those things to you. Seeing if he could provoke a response and exercise some control over you.
If nothing else, at least it's confirmed that he hasn't changed!
If nothing else, at least it's confirmed that he hasn't changed!
I dunno, but it was very uncomfortable. I used to feel guilty every time he pushed this judgments onto me.
Now I don't because I am convinced that I tried everything I could so we could get along.
And yes, I guess he is still the same.. Thanks for your words, maybear.
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
I'm very glad you left.
I know it shouldn't matter, but know that no one buys his bull either. So he thinks you were mean? Sounds like a very immature comment that should have been followed by "mommy I hate you".
I know it shouldn't matter, but know that no one buys his bull either. So he thinks you were mean? Sounds like a very immature comment that should have been followed by "mommy I hate you".
But he isn't a kid and he certainly can be intimidating...
Still, you're right. It was immature.
Thanks redatlanta!
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