fiance went to court yesterday

Old 06-20-2015, 03:54 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: US
Posts: 57
fiance went to court yesterday

So yesterday my fiance got a four hour pass a rehab. I had to pick her up and take her to court. Good news that the possession of drugs was thrown out. Bad news was that a few parents of the kids she was driving showed up to court also. The case was continued. Meanwhile all she did was complain about the rehab . She already has been written up for failure to do assigned chores. She needs to complete this rehab. Her lawyer told the judge that she is in need of treatment and not jail. She claimed one of the younger girls stole her watch. She is begging me to transfer her to a nice self pay type resort rehab. I think she needs to stay where she is at?
ihatealcohol80 is offline  
Old 06-20-2015, 04:08 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Leave her where she is. It may be the pits but she is there to deal with her alcoholism not get daily massages. Her situation is pretty dire. She needs to accept that.

How are you holding up?
happybeingme is offline  
Old 06-20-2015, 04:08 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yup, let her stay where she is. Of course, she can walk out any time and take a cab home, but unless she's got her own funds for rehab-resort, I wouldn't shell out any of YOUR money for that. People get sober in Salvation Army rehabs.

Having to do chores is part of the therapy. Alcoholics are used to passing off their responsibilities to others. They also are often seriously lacking in humility, and having to contribute to the common good at rehab is good for them on many levels.

I don't blame those parents a bit for showing up to make sure she is held appropriately accountable for her actions. Has your fiancée even THOUGHT about how scared and worried those parents are? My guess is no--she is thinking only of herself and her sad circumstances.
LexieCat is offline  
Old 06-20-2015, 04:09 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Behold the power of NO
 
Carlotta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I think she needs to stay where she is at?
Yes! and personally I think she needs to serve some time too.
Carlotta is offline  
Old 06-20-2015, 04:18 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: US
Posts: 57
It could of been worse. Due to the local media coverage her lawyer feared someone from MADD would show up. I see no purpose in her being sent to jail. She is a non violent offender who made a mistake. Shockingly, she admitted to morning drinking for months prior. Family day at the rehab starts Monday.
ihatealcohol80 is offline  
Old 06-20-2015, 04:20 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
ladyscribbler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I think she needs to stay where she is at?

I think you should go with your gut on this one. This isn't about her personal comfort and convenience. If she's going to take this seriously and get sober she'll do it where she's at right now.

Bad news was that a few parents of the kids she was driving showed up to court also.

It's a shame that she's still in such deep denial about the gravity of her situation. Having the parents there could have been a good wake up call for her if she had been willing to heed it. As a parent myself, my sympathy lies firmly with the children she endangered. It's terrifying to think of what might have happened had she not been stopped.

She already has been written up for failure to do assigned chores. She is begging me to transfer her to a nice self pay type resort rehab.

Sorry you are dealing with such self-centered behavior from her. You're going above and beyond to help her and her attitude sounds very selfish and ungrateful.
Don't forget to take care of yourself in all this stress and chaos.
ladyscribbler is offline  
Old 06-20-2015, 04:24 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I might buy "making a mistake" if she had been pulled over after having three glasses of wine over a 2-hour dinner and she was barely over the limit. This woman DRANK before driving a busload of school children. That wasn't a mistake--that was typical alcoholic stupidity. Her life has become unmanageable. She needs to SEE that, to OWN it, not pass it off as a "mistake."

I'm a retired prosecutor. If she landed in my courtroom I would insist on some jail time--maybe weekends or the trash-pickup deal (wearing orange), unless she screwed up while on probation, at which point she would get REAL jail. And it's not all about what she "needs"--there is also the need to deter others who would otherwise see this as "not that big a deal."

That's the bottom line in this situation. It isn't all about HER. She hasn't gotten that message yet.
LexieCat is offline  
Old 06-20-2015, 04:40 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: US
Posts: 57
Is it a wise idea to place jobless heroin addicts with someone who drinks too much? I'm not trying to be snarky but really don't understand the rehab process. I am a very logical person and I can't seem to understand it.
ihatealcohol80 is offline  
Old 06-20-2015, 04:53 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I had a Dwi, Dui, whatever they call it. I went to sleep in my garage, and my abusive drunk ex came out to the garage. He pulled me out of the car by my feet, I fell onto the garage floor. My attorneys at the time told me to plead "fearing for my life". I did. Almost after $10,000. got that. It was I think the State of NJ vrs Romano case, that they were going with.

It doesn't matter why I even said that. I guess so that at times you can see a reason for driving drunk. She had no reason. She drove drunk because she was drunk, and she doesn't want to stop being a drunk.

I am not drunk now or drinking now, and I can't even defend why I got in that car drunk and drove to police headquarters and asked them to arrest me for being drunk. I could have killed people on the way to police headquarters.

I needed to get away from my ex that night, but if I had to get in a car drunk, I could have just driven to my neighbors house instead of 8 miles to police headquarters.

I wish you can just think of all the lives she endangered.

I was very sorry after I drove drunk. I would not have been begging for a nice rehab, I wanted to go to jail. I felt horrible about what I did.

amy
amy55 is offline  
Old 06-20-2015, 04:54 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by ihatealcohol80 View Post
Is it a wise idea to place jobless heroin addicts with someone who drinks too much? I'm not trying to be snarky but really don't understand the rehab process. I am a very logical person and I can't seem to understand it.
She is also jobless. A jobless unattractive tattooed heroin addict and a jobless gorgeous no tats alcoholic (with some prescription drug abuse, sounds like) have the same problem they need to deal with.
whowho is offline  
Old 06-20-2015, 05:00 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Ihatealcohol......you may well be logical....but, I can tell, just from what you have posted that you are also ignorant.....ignorant of this disease of alcoholism.....and, also ignorant of what constitutes enabling----and, you sure do sound like a well=meaning person---but, an enabler, non the less.
Not your fault....your ignorance....or, lets say "lack of knowlege and non-acquaintence with the facts".
Very few people are familiar with the workings of this disease---unless they have a good reason to learn (like you do now).
Most of what masqurades on the streets as fact is really myth and urban legends.

For the above reasons, I plead with you to use every spare minte that you have while she is still in rehab to read everything in the "classic Readings" that are on the fron page of this section. (the Stickies).
Also, the "classic" book on co-dependency---titled:
"Co-dependent No More" is the basic starting point for most, around here.

Now, I know that I probably sound like a mean old witch to you.....lol!
That is o.k.
If you think I am bad---I am a sweet whisper compared to what this disease will do to you if you don't get educated and prepared for what is to come.
Also---You might want to drop in on a few OPEN AA meetings. That can be a real eye opener.....

Peace Out....
dandylion
dandylion is offline  
Old 06-20-2015, 05:00 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
SeriousKarma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Originally Posted by ihatealcohol80 View Post
Is it a wise idea to place jobless heroin addicts with someone who drinks too much? I'm not trying to be snarky but really don't understand the rehab process. I am a very logical person and I can't seem to understand it.

And yet snarkyness was achieved. (All forgiven. I've been snarky myself a few times. )

The heroin addict could ask "Is it a wise idea to place a jobless heroin addict in with a callous and selfish drunk who could have easily killed a busload of children?

Don't overthink it. They are both addicts. The one who wants recovery is the one who will succeed. As it stands now, it doesn't really sound like your fiancé wants it. I believe you want it for her, but I haven't heard anything yet that says she wants it for herself.

Does she?
SeriousKarma is offline  
Old 06-20-2015, 05:05 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Ok, finishing the story. I had to take a break because it just so disgusts me that I did that. My lawyers felt that I had a good case, a good reason for why I drove drunk. I did lose that hearing, then the newspapers started to call me, I don't know why, perhaps so that I could say that abuse victims have the right to drive drunk to get away from physical abuse. I couldn't answer those phone calls. I could see how this might be misused.

There is absolutely no reason to drive drunk and to endanger other people or yourself.

Fancy rehab or country club, sure..... if you want to pay for it. It won't work. She has to want to stop, I don't see that. I see her wanting to be a princess, not accept the consequences, and go on vacation. Think Lindsey Lohan. Is that how you spell her name?

Sorry,
amy
amy55 is offline  
Old 06-20-2015, 05:05 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
SeriousKarma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Originally Posted by dandylion View Post

For the above reasons, I plead with you to use every spare minte that you have while she is still in rehab to read everything in the "classic Readings" that are on the fron page of this section. (the Stickies).
Also, the "classic" book on co-dependency---titled:
"Co-dependent No More" is the basic starting point for most, around here.
Yes, yes, yes!!!

I had this same thought myself. You've been given a golden opportunity to focus on yourself while she's away. Please use this time wisely. Certainly you would agree that no harm could come from you following some (or all!) of Dandylion's suggestions. We here really do want what's best for you.
SeriousKarma is offline  
Old 06-20-2015, 05:06 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Christchurch
Posts: 451
You seem to be in quite a bit of denial regarding how serious her actions were. Try telling the parents of those kids that she is a non violent offender who made a mistake. It sounds like she has no remorse other than for her own situation. She needs to face the consequences on her own and accept her fate with some humility. There is no pecking order with addiction, an alcoholic is not better than a drug addict or a problem gambler. Driving a huge vehicle filled with children while wasted is abhorrent.
Pipping is offline  
Old 06-20-2015, 05:17 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
amy55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I don't post that story a lot. I am completely ashamed of myself. Also was that the first time I drove drunk? No it wasn't. It was my last time though.

You can pour all the money you want into rehab, that is your choice. She either drove in the morning or the middle of the day drunk with a busload of children, and that bus is big enough to be a weapon in itself to kill other people.

I think a lot of the reason that you are getting these responses is because she has no remorse. She wants the princess treatment.

It means she would do it again.

amy
amy55 is offline  
Old 06-20-2015, 05:19 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by ihatealcohol80 View Post
Is it a wise idea to place jobless heroin addicts with someone who drinks too much? I'm not trying to be snarky but really don't understand the rehab process. I am a very logical person and I can't seem to understand it.
Well, what she did to those kids was more of a danger to the public than some heroin addict who is only hurting themselves, so yes. I'd be fine with her getting locked up too. She'll probably get away with probation but some time behind bars would probably do her pretty self some good.
totallytrying is offline  
Old 06-20-2015, 05:25 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,671
So far, all she's doing is complaining about rehab. She doesn't seem to have grasped the seriousness of her crime. I think giving her rehab would be great if she showed the slightest intent of using it to get better. But all she's doing is complaining. Don't send her to a swanky expensive rehab. Spend your money on counseling for yourself to find out how to stop enabling her and how to take good care of your own needs. Leave her where she is and let her do her chores. Addiction is addiction, no matter who has it. She's no different from or better than the jobless heroin addicts.
least is offline  
Old 06-20-2015, 05:30 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
redatlanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
How do you feel about moving her?

Ya know, I kind of understand nobody wants their loved one to get in trouble. I'm just having a hard time with her lack of remorse and your lack of sympathy toward those kids and their parents. You focus way more on her sailing through rather than much acknowledgement that what she did is worthy of jail time. Oh and that god awful heroin addict - she is just the same man, you just don't want to believe it.

What if it was one of your kids on the bus with a drunk driver having an accident?

Guess it will be a wait and see. Me thinks the parents aren't going to be satisfied with rehab and probation. Hope its not an election year .
redatlanta is offline  
Old 06-20-2015, 05:31 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
SparkleKitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,448
iha80, a "mistake" is one thing...repeatedly drinking alcohol in the morning before driving a bunch of kids to school is a "behavior". A pretty bad one, too. She played the odds for months, per your description, and she got caught. None of that is a mistake. It's a potentially deadly accident waiting to happen.

From your description she wants Out, not Help. If she escapes consequences this time, then it will happen again later.
SparkleKitty is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:42 AM.