Hi everyone, I'm new here looking for support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Camarillo, CA
Posts: 1
Hi everyone, I'm new here looking for support
Hello, my name is Mia. I left a 3 year relationship with a man who has been sober for 26 years. I love him so much and I love his children and I miss them. I have known this man since I was 12 and I am now in my 40's. I left in March because I think he is emotionally abusive. I left the day after he gave me an engagement ring because I got scared. I left him a few times before that too. He was never physically abusive to me but he was physically aggressive with my son.
I don't think he ever got help for the issues that caused him to become alcoholic in the first place. He has already moved on. I left in March and he is already engaged and has moved her and her two daughters in with him. That was a week after telling me how much he misses me. I don't know how to move on, I don't understand how it's so easy for him. I feel like I'm going crazy.
He is terrified of being alone and can't be alone, hence his eagerness to move on. I still want to be with him and would do it if he agreed to get help but I know it wouldn't work and he has moved on anyway. Although he actually admitted to me just two weeks ago that he doesn't know if he loves her, yet they are engaged.
I want him to be happy. Does anyone have experience with someone like this getting any help? I tried many times but he thinks everyone else is the one with the problems and he is ok.
I don't think he ever got help for the issues that caused him to become alcoholic in the first place. He has already moved on. I left in March and he is already engaged and has moved her and her two daughters in with him. That was a week after telling me how much he misses me. I don't know how to move on, I don't understand how it's so easy for him. I feel like I'm going crazy.
He is terrified of being alone and can't be alone, hence his eagerness to move on. I still want to be with him and would do it if he agreed to get help but I know it wouldn't work and he has moved on anyway. Although he actually admitted to me just two weeks ago that he doesn't know if he loves her, yet they are engaged.
I want him to be happy. Does anyone have experience with someone like this getting any help? I tried many times but he thinks everyone else is the one with the problems and he is ok.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 581
*hugs* it is so hard, just take it day by day! My ex moved his next girlfriend in 3 days after I left a 6 year relationship. It really hurt, but now, 3 years on, I am so grateful to her for being stupid, as she saved me from being stupid, as I have no doubt I would have returned. My life is so much better now without him and the constant stress of him!
Just hold your son close, and reach out as needed for support.
Just hold your son close, and reach out as needed for support.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum Mia!! 
The nature of addiction I found was it can be very blinding, for years I drank and as much as others commenting on having a problem, I never listened and simply ignored them, it was only when I wanted to get help myself that my eyes were opened to all the good advice I had previously avoided, and at the time wanted to avoid, as that meant me having to deal with things I didn't want to deal with.
Now Sober though I realise my addiction to alcohol needed more than abstinence, simply not drinking for me was not enough, I needed to build my life again, sort out my mental/emotional state of mind as I drank for various reasons, to escape from life, previous experiences, I didn't particularly like myself as a person, and I had a lot of unresolved baggage from my dad being an alcoholic when I was growing up, so there was a lot more than simply not drinking I needed to start to deal with when I got Sober.
Whether your partner has unresolved issues to sort out now that he's Sober or maybe other issues that have arisen in the last 26yrs Sober it's hard to know unless he wants to address them or look into it, the important thing is for you to live your life, don't let life pass you by waiting on someone to get their own house in order, they may do and that's great, but they may not!!
You'll find loads of support and advice here on SR!! Great to have you onboard!!
The nature of addiction I found was it can be very blinding, for years I drank and as much as others commenting on having a problem, I never listened and simply ignored them, it was only when I wanted to get help myself that my eyes were opened to all the good advice I had previously avoided, and at the time wanted to avoid, as that meant me having to deal with things I didn't want to deal with.
Now Sober though I realise my addiction to alcohol needed more than abstinence, simply not drinking for me was not enough, I needed to build my life again, sort out my mental/emotional state of mind as I drank for various reasons, to escape from life, previous experiences, I didn't particularly like myself as a person, and I had a lot of unresolved baggage from my dad being an alcoholic when I was growing up, so there was a lot more than simply not drinking I needed to start to deal with when I got Sober.
Whether your partner has unresolved issues to sort out now that he's Sober or maybe other issues that have arisen in the last 26yrs Sober it's hard to know unless he wants to address them or look into it, the important thing is for you to live your life, don't let life pass you by waiting on someone to get their own house in order, they may do and that's great, but they may not!!
You'll find loads of support and advice here on SR!! Great to have you onboard!!
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,183
Hi Mia. If your ex "moved on" in such a short space of time and has already got engaged despite not knowing if he loves his new partner then it sounds to me like your decision to end the relationship was the right one. He doesn't seem very emotionally mature on the face of it.
I realise you must be hurting but you did the right thing and so try to be strong.
Good luck
I realise you must be hurting but you did the right thing and so try to be strong.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Sounds like you had a lucky escape Mia.
His leaping into a new relationship isn't a reflection on you. It is likely an indicator of his neediness, and probably you're absolutely spot on about him not having resolved the underlying issues. Getting sober is very different from Living Sober and recovery.
I think you need to lick your wounds; thank your lucky stars; and get ready for the next phase of your life. Try to focus on the beginning rather than the end xx
His leaping into a new relationship isn't a reflection on you. It is likely an indicator of his neediness, and probably you're absolutely spot on about him not having resolved the underlying issues. Getting sober is very different from Living Sober and recovery.
I think you need to lick your wounds; thank your lucky stars; and get ready for the next phase of your life. Try to focus on the beginning rather than the end xx
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