lillamy

You've probably all seen the picture before:



One of my mindfulness exercises last week was "reading the newspaper without making judgment of the content and message in the articles." Since I don't currently take a newspaper, I used Facebook instead. Ha! I don't want to use the word "failure" because there's no failure in recovery work -- but let's just say I have a ways to go here, people!

I see a lot of codependent control issues while doing this exercise. And then I spent yesterday with a teenager who also has control issues, and realized how incredibly [insert bad word here] annoying controlling people are. And I could see in this kid -- just as I can see in others in Al-Anon -- what I haven't been able to see in myself:

My need to control and plan everything out; my need to correct people who are wrong on the internet (whether it's spelling or political opinion); it all comes from the same source: Fear and anxiety. I've slowly realized that while what I needed to leave AXH was courage, what I need now is not brass balls -- it's faith. Faith that the sun will rise tomorrow even if I don't get up to make sure it can do it on its own. Faith that people are capable of walking their own paths and finding their own ways without me telling them how to and where to go. (Also, awareness that where they go and what they do is REALLY none of my business... but baby steps!).

I'm a big believer in the Buddhist saying that "when the pupil is ready, the teacher will appear" and that's what's happening in my case. I've read pretty much everything Melody Beattie has written, but right now, her "Finding Your Way Home" is doing wonders for my recovery. So I would like to recommend that.

greeteachday

On the surface, it seemed puzzling to me that so many people with codependent traits were people pleasers but also had control issues - it seemed almost a contradiction. I knew that I was a people pleaser. It took a good amount of recovery work before I also recognized I was a controller. The fact that I did it usually in a non-aggressive way didn't negate my need to control; in fact I suspect my child learned her manipulation techniques during her addiction from watching me.

One of the places I really practiced letting go was work. I was the manager who took on stuff because I didn't trust staff to do it right (translation - my way) When I started to bite my tongue, shut up unless it was to praise and encourage, and have faith, the results were amazing. Seeing that really helped me let go elsewhere in life. The other eye opener was reading here about how when I control I take away the other person's opportunities to feel good about his or her own success. That was huge - I thought I was preventing failure when instead I was robbing the chance for a wonderful feeling of victory.

I still have my moments for sure, but I'm learning to recognize them before I get too immersed in my controlling ways. Stepping back, giving myself time out and just breathing help me to re-center.

Great topic and wonderful observations, Lillamy!

lillamy

Amen to that. I never saw myself as controlling until after I was out of my alcoholic marriage. I saw this list of mantras recently -- mindfulness mantras -- and one of them was: "There is no right or wrong way to do anything" and that made me really irritated because OF COURSE THERE ARE RIGHT WAYS TO DO THINGS AND PEOPLE NEED TO... No, I need to chill out. More like it.

WMJ1012

Thanks for your example of humility and self-honesty. When we can see ourselves in others like that, it's excellent awareness. I identify.

Real recovery is letting go. Not always easy for me to to remember that God is in charge; not me.

(I hope that semi-colon was used correctly)

SeriousKarma

Whoa... This really makes me think of my dad. As kids we use to always joke about him acting like he had to weight of the world on his shoulders. He thought there was a right and a wrong way to do everything.
No joke. He even checked the garbage each week to make sure we weren't throwing away things "the wrong way". He wasn't dogmatic or mean, he was just very firm in his belief that the world would fall off its axis if he stopped paying attention to every little detail of every little thing. Controlling? Ya think? But, man was he courageous. He's been married to my mom for over 60 years. That takes a lot of courage! (queue rimshot). It wasn't until I went to Alanon, and started listening to the stories of ACOAs that I realized he was living life the only way he knew how. And that growing up with his alcoholic father often times meant that he did "have the weight of the world" on his shoulders. My father certainly is a man of faith, but I'm not so sure he has "faith" in that faith. It's like he feels he needs to be prepared just incase God steps out for a drink or two.

Great post, Lillamy.

(Of course, it didn't make me think of me at all. Nope. Not a bit.)

CodeJob

Yesterday my exercise buddy was in tears as her life is not perfect and I think she sees it slipping out Of her control. During our conversation it came out that she still does not allow her kids to play outside when the parents are at work. We live in a fine area, they are 14 & 9, and they have a cell phone. They could play in their yard or even their street and call for help easily. She almost considered allowing them access to the library which is not even a half mile away until she realized they would have to cross the street. I really wanted to shake her. Her desire to control and protect is starting to seriously Impact her kids' experiences.

She almost made me feel guilty for my kid having a bike and permission to be about 4 mi from the house. But then I remembered our kids can drive soon. They need to learn and interact more and more without us!

Ironically that very same day I had a mom come with her daughter on an outing with my son. I was not allowed to take her to the Sat afternoon movies or lunch without her mom tagging along and driving her separately. It made for an awkward first date experience having two moms in tow. The mom kept checking her phone and was bragging on all of her missed calls from her other daughters because no one functions without her. I sat there not checking my phone because I've got no one depending on me whatsoever! I know she was trying to brag and i was thinking, 'Woman you are a helicopter parent. You too are really sick!'

So I get a little hung up on a few things, but I usually manage to let go at least!

Lovenjoy

great thread lillamy. i still struggle with the term 'control' because my heart is usually in the right place so how is that control - ha.

this really spoke to me... it's only been a short time now since i came to the realization that my RAS was never going to do life/recovery my way and that is as it should be. if it's not a path of his choosing then he can't commit to it and he also will have an easy out in his mind - not what he wanted anyways. so he has to choose and he has to want and i have to get the hell out of his way!

the fact that the word control really irked me tells me i've been ignoring my codie recovery...

thanks lillamy!

firebolt

Great post! I also have a hard time with the word control - the right way to do things just seems so obvious to me - HAHA!

Three years ago, I thought I was the most laid back person ever! Despite my chainsmoking, hypertension, insomnia and anxiety.

OY, the things we do to ourselves in the name of making sure our immediate world is our version of good. I will definitely check out the book recommendation.

Spalding

Oh man. This is me for sure.

I have major control issues that stem from fear. I can't hold my tongue in pointing out obvious safety things or suggestions out of fear that something bad will happen. Or giving advice cause I can see the bad road someone's taking (trying to save them from themselves by screaming POT HOLE, POT HOLE, when they've been reading the signs on their own road longer that I've been on it and so they don't really need my warnings and advice)