Letting it all out...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4
Letting it all out...
I would like to start off with saying how relieved I am that I found this website through a Google search. I wish I would have found this forum many years ago. I have not gotten around to reading a whole lot of threads on here, but it is “comforting” (I lack better wording, please don’t misinterpret) to see and read from others what I have been living with since childhood.
I also would like to add that I hope my post does not offend anyone here who may read it. My wording, my feelings, my anger… Writing it all down, expressing it… it all new to me. I apologize in advance.
I am a 33 year old daughter, only child, to a former heroin, current methadone using and Xanax abusing father. It has been an on-going battle for him, and for my mother and I, for many many years.
My mother has recently passed away three weeks ago and my father has not been handling the death well, understandably, and I have been trying to cope with the grief and pain of losing my mother and the pain of seeing my father self-destruct.
My father was a heroin addict when he met my mother. I’m not quite sure when she found out, but he has been going to a methadone clinic ever since. For at least 30+ years. From what I have been told by my mother, each time my father had wanted to wean off he suffered a loss in his life. His mother died, his father died, he lost several jobs… These things all hindered him from stopping.
Somewhere along the way, he discovered Xanax. At first, it was prescribed by his doctor but eventually it became something he bought from another person at his methadone clinic. I believe his doctor still will prescribe him if asked, even after my discussion with him about the abuse. I saw a documentary about methadone use and it mentioned that Xanax and methadone together give the user the feeling of being on heroin. I’m worried now, more than ever, that my father will go back to the real thing.
Growing up, my father was a pretty good dad. I can recall a few moments of seeing him high, but I was a child and did not understand this. Dad was just being funny. I didn’t understand the everyday doctor visits either. Dad was just sick. The missed band concerts, the missed dance recitals… Dad was sick.
My father was hit by a car on the highway, while he was changing his tire. He spent several months in the hospital and then a rehabilitation facility. It was at this time that I discovered his addiction. He was in the hospital, and asked me to bring his Xanax to the hospital. I was 19 at the time, and was now old enough to know that you did not need Xanax in the hospital. The morphine and the Percocet should be enough to help with the pain.
When I got home that evening, I looked for his Xanax and discovered his Methadone. My mother finally told me everything and I spent a long time being angry. I was also old enough now to know that my money and jewelry didn’t go missing because I was irresponsible. He even stole 90 dollars worth of silver dollars, and half dollars, from my piggy bank. He was the one who slowly gave them to me over the years. He would ask the bank for one each time he cashed his check to give to me. It sounds silly, I’m sure, but that one I’m still angry for.
My mother was in control of everything. Looking back, I don’t think she really helped the situation at all. She wouldn’t let him have any money, or drive (due to many many car accidents). We would fight because I told her I thought she was doing the wrong thing. He would still find a way, no matter how many liberties she took from him. The only benefit with my mother being in control, is that we knew without car keys he couldn’t drive and hurt himself or someone else. When my mother was home she was able to keep him from wandering around the neighborhood high and was able to keep him from burning the home down.
My mother is not here anymore, and now I am the one who has to try to find a way.
I do not live at home with him, and I would not even if asked. My father and I had a terrible destructive relationship once I discovered his addiction. It only seemed to get better once I moved out of the home.
I feel guilty for not choosing to move back home. He is lonely, and he is now more driven to turn to substances.
He does not have any friends, and his family are not very involved with him either. I am the only person in his life right now, and it’s a terrible feeling knowing that I cannot help him. I am extremely sad for him. I couldn’t imagine being all alone after 44 years of marriage. I am sad too because I can’t be the “daughter I’m supposed to be” and move back home and assume my mothers role.
He is 68, and refuses to seek help. He will not wean off the methadone, and I’m thinking that it may not be a good idea after all of this time anyways. Rehab facilities will not take him, if he is still using methadone. He will not see a social worker, counselor, psychiatrist/psychologist, etc. Because he doesn’t have a problem, he doesn’t use Xanax. Although failed drug tests at hospitals, and clinics have proved it.
I am thinking of buying a home this year, and do want to have my father with me. I don’t want him to be lonely for the rest of his life. My boyfriend, and my future children should not be subjected to his behavior, and I probably shouldn’t either.
Perhaps it’s best I look into an assisted living type of facility.
I wish that I didn’t have to think about all of this, and mourn my mother’s loss at the same time.
I know how lengthy this is, and I’m not really seeking any replies. It just feels good to let some of it out.
Thank you everyone for your time.
I also would like to add that I hope my post does not offend anyone here who may read it. My wording, my feelings, my anger… Writing it all down, expressing it… it all new to me. I apologize in advance.
I am a 33 year old daughter, only child, to a former heroin, current methadone using and Xanax abusing father. It has been an on-going battle for him, and for my mother and I, for many many years.
My mother has recently passed away three weeks ago and my father has not been handling the death well, understandably, and I have been trying to cope with the grief and pain of losing my mother and the pain of seeing my father self-destruct.
My father was a heroin addict when he met my mother. I’m not quite sure when she found out, but he has been going to a methadone clinic ever since. For at least 30+ years. From what I have been told by my mother, each time my father had wanted to wean off he suffered a loss in his life. His mother died, his father died, he lost several jobs… These things all hindered him from stopping.
Somewhere along the way, he discovered Xanax. At first, it was prescribed by his doctor but eventually it became something he bought from another person at his methadone clinic. I believe his doctor still will prescribe him if asked, even after my discussion with him about the abuse. I saw a documentary about methadone use and it mentioned that Xanax and methadone together give the user the feeling of being on heroin. I’m worried now, more than ever, that my father will go back to the real thing.
Growing up, my father was a pretty good dad. I can recall a few moments of seeing him high, but I was a child and did not understand this. Dad was just being funny. I didn’t understand the everyday doctor visits either. Dad was just sick. The missed band concerts, the missed dance recitals… Dad was sick.
My father was hit by a car on the highway, while he was changing his tire. He spent several months in the hospital and then a rehabilitation facility. It was at this time that I discovered his addiction. He was in the hospital, and asked me to bring his Xanax to the hospital. I was 19 at the time, and was now old enough to know that you did not need Xanax in the hospital. The morphine and the Percocet should be enough to help with the pain.
When I got home that evening, I looked for his Xanax and discovered his Methadone. My mother finally told me everything and I spent a long time being angry. I was also old enough now to know that my money and jewelry didn’t go missing because I was irresponsible. He even stole 90 dollars worth of silver dollars, and half dollars, from my piggy bank. He was the one who slowly gave them to me over the years. He would ask the bank for one each time he cashed his check to give to me. It sounds silly, I’m sure, but that one I’m still angry for.
My mother was in control of everything. Looking back, I don’t think she really helped the situation at all. She wouldn’t let him have any money, or drive (due to many many car accidents). We would fight because I told her I thought she was doing the wrong thing. He would still find a way, no matter how many liberties she took from him. The only benefit with my mother being in control, is that we knew without car keys he couldn’t drive and hurt himself or someone else. When my mother was home she was able to keep him from wandering around the neighborhood high and was able to keep him from burning the home down.
My mother is not here anymore, and now I am the one who has to try to find a way.
I do not live at home with him, and I would not even if asked. My father and I had a terrible destructive relationship once I discovered his addiction. It only seemed to get better once I moved out of the home.
I feel guilty for not choosing to move back home. He is lonely, and he is now more driven to turn to substances.
He does not have any friends, and his family are not very involved with him either. I am the only person in his life right now, and it’s a terrible feeling knowing that I cannot help him. I am extremely sad for him. I couldn’t imagine being all alone after 44 years of marriage. I am sad too because I can’t be the “daughter I’m supposed to be” and move back home and assume my mothers role.
He is 68, and refuses to seek help. He will not wean off the methadone, and I’m thinking that it may not be a good idea after all of this time anyways. Rehab facilities will not take him, if he is still using methadone. He will not see a social worker, counselor, psychiatrist/psychologist, etc. Because he doesn’t have a problem, he doesn’t use Xanax. Although failed drug tests at hospitals, and clinics have proved it.
I am thinking of buying a home this year, and do want to have my father with me. I don’t want him to be lonely for the rest of his life. My boyfriend, and my future children should not be subjected to his behavior, and I probably shouldn’t either.
Perhaps it’s best I look into an assisted living type of facility.
I wish that I didn’t have to think about all of this, and mourn my mother’s loss at the same time.
I know how lengthy this is, and I’m not really seeking any replies. It just feels good to let some of it out.
Thank you everyone for your time.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Hi! Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for your loss. Your father must decide for himself what kind of life he wants. If he wants to waste it he can. There are a lot of programs available to him at his age. Daycare places as well.
Since he is older you may want to sit one day with him and go through his state and county department on aging and see what they have that he would like to sign up for. In my state they have door to door transportation services , bus trips twice a month to a local mall, meals on wheels, etc. Other than that remember it is ultimately his decision if we wants assistance or not. Do not take him in. You have no obligation and living with an addict is a nightmare
Since he is older you may want to sit one day with him and go through his state and county department on aging and see what they have that he would like to sign up for. In my state they have door to door transportation services , bus trips twice a month to a local mall, meals on wheels, etc. Other than that remember it is ultimately his decision if we wants assistance or not. Do not take him in. You have no obligation and living with an addict is a nightmare
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Hi Kris, welcome. Sorry you are facing this double whammy. Your realization of what your dad was up to and your hurts from it are not silly. He betrayed a basic trust of father and daughter. I too had many missed childhood functions, not many but ALL of them, because of my father's drinking. Please continue reading and finding all the comfort you need here.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Sorry about all this; what a mess.
The important thing is that there really is nothing much that can be done if your Dad does not want to get sober. The other piece is that you do not have to go down with him. The tendency -- especially of other family members -- is to feel that because you're his kid, you have to go along with whatever he wants. This was the case in my family, and it's why, almost 5 years after my Dad died, I still don't want anything to do with most of my cousins. It's not that I hate them, won't speak to them, or anything -- I'm just still not happy about the way everyone took my Dad's side; that is, allowed him to manipulate, command, and otherwise wrap them around his little finger -- instead of minding their own business.
People will tell you, look what's happening to your father, he's a sick, he's helpless, he's losing his house, he can't manage, you have to do something -- and since he refuses to do his part, your part will have to include moving in with him and picking up all the pieces of everything that he destroys. That's how extended families tend to think -- they do not understand what it's like to live with this. No matter how crazy and unreasonable the alcoholic/addict parent is, we, their kids just by an accident of birth, are stuck with it, and we have to crash and burn as hard as they can make us.
I had two cousins move in with my Dad, at various times during his last year or two after my Mom died -- basically signing up to cart him around and cater to him, in exchange for room and board. It must have sounded like a good deal at the time, but even they found out it wasn't -- one of them had moved out because she got sick of his incessant control issues (she was in her 20s and liked to go out -- he treated her as though she were his teenage daughter and had to get his approval to go on a date, or whatever was or was not going on), and the other one (my generation but older, around 62-3), even he finally got sick of it and had announced his intention to move out. My Dad was unable to leave the house on his own at that point, so I do not know what would have happened if that scenario had unfolded... but as it happens, my Dad had some kind of episode (possibly related to, of all things, a short-lived attempt to stop drinking) which put him in the hospital, from which he came home with round-the-clock nursing care until he died a few months later.
In any case, what I'm getting at is that these types of things are going to happen, but being his kid does not mean you have to be his caretaker and put up with his continued self-destruction. He has to do his part, and if he refuses to do anything and just insists on making his bed, you have every right to stand back and make him lie in it. Because there's no way to force him to get healthy if he doesn't want to. We are powerless over other people's self-destruction. Good luck.
T
The important thing is that there really is nothing much that can be done if your Dad does not want to get sober. The other piece is that you do not have to go down with him. The tendency -- especially of other family members -- is to feel that because you're his kid, you have to go along with whatever he wants. This was the case in my family, and it's why, almost 5 years after my Dad died, I still don't want anything to do with most of my cousins. It's not that I hate them, won't speak to them, or anything -- I'm just still not happy about the way everyone took my Dad's side; that is, allowed him to manipulate, command, and otherwise wrap them around his little finger -- instead of minding their own business.
People will tell you, look what's happening to your father, he's a sick, he's helpless, he's losing his house, he can't manage, you have to do something -- and since he refuses to do his part, your part will have to include moving in with him and picking up all the pieces of everything that he destroys. That's how extended families tend to think -- they do not understand what it's like to live with this. No matter how crazy and unreasonable the alcoholic/addict parent is, we, their kids just by an accident of birth, are stuck with it, and we have to crash and burn as hard as they can make us.
I had two cousins move in with my Dad, at various times during his last year or two after my Mom died -- basically signing up to cart him around and cater to him, in exchange for room and board. It must have sounded like a good deal at the time, but even they found out it wasn't -- one of them had moved out because she got sick of his incessant control issues (she was in her 20s and liked to go out -- he treated her as though she were his teenage daughter and had to get his approval to go on a date, or whatever was or was not going on), and the other one (my generation but older, around 62-3), even he finally got sick of it and had announced his intention to move out. My Dad was unable to leave the house on his own at that point, so I do not know what would have happened if that scenario had unfolded... but as it happens, my Dad had some kind of episode (possibly related to, of all things, a short-lived attempt to stop drinking) which put him in the hospital, from which he came home with round-the-clock nursing care until he died a few months later.
In any case, what I'm getting at is that these types of things are going to happen, but being his kid does not mean you have to be his caretaker and put up with his continued self-destruction. He has to do his part, and if he refuses to do anything and just insists on making his bed, you have every right to stand back and make him lie in it. Because there's no way to force him to get healthy if he doesn't want to. We are powerless over other people's self-destruction. Good luck.
T
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4
Thank you to everyone!
I can't shake this feeling of guilt, like I would be leaving him behind to self destruct.
My mother always told me to take care of him if something were to happen to her. That sits with me too.
Last night I couldn't take it anymore. He kept denying he was doing drugs, and I said if you aren't using then we have to take you to the hospital. Because your behavior is beyond absurd. He refused but agreed to one of those take home tests.
He tested negative for everything and now I feel like a giant idiot. I don't know how long benzos stay in your urine for, and even if he was clean this time. I still can't trust him because we've been down this road many times and had given tests at hospitals and doctors and they've all tested positive.
His mother had dementia and now I'm wondering if all of this bizarre behavior is partly due to that as well.
I can't shake this feeling of guilt, like I would be leaving him behind to self destruct.
My mother always told me to take care of him if something were to happen to her. That sits with me too.
Last night I couldn't take it anymore. He kept denying he was doing drugs, and I said if you aren't using then we have to take you to the hospital. Because your behavior is beyond absurd. He refused but agreed to one of those take home tests.
He tested negative for everything and now I feel like a giant idiot. I don't know how long benzos stay in your urine for, and even if he was clean this time. I still can't trust him because we've been down this road many times and had given tests at hospitals and doctors and they've all tested positive.
His mother had dementia and now I'm wondering if all of this bizarre behavior is partly due to that as well.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
I am so sorry. I am a child of an alcoholic Father. He got sober 3 years ago when he detoxed in the hospital and it was horrible. He had not explained how much he had been drinking.
That scared him and he hasn't had a drink since then, He is 73.
That scared him and he hasn't had a drink since then, He is 73.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Cambridgeshire, UK
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by Kris101981 
Thank you to everyone!
I can't shake this feeling of guilt, like I would be leaving him behind to self destruct.
My mother always told me to take care of him if something were to happen to her. That sits with me too.
Last night I couldn't take it anymore. He kept denying he was doing drugs, and I said if you aren't using then we have to take you to the hospital. Because your behavior is beyond absurd. He refused but agreed to one of those take home tests.
He tested negative for everything and now I feel like a giant idiot. I don't know how long benzos stay in your urine for, and even if he was clean this time. I still can't trust him because we've been down this road many times and had given tests at hospitals and doctors and they've all tested positive.
His mother had dementia and now I'm wondering if all of this bizarre behavior is partly due to that as well.
I can't shake this feeling of guilt, like I would be leaving him behind to self destruct.
My mother always told me to take care of him if something were to happen to her. That sits with me too.
Last night I couldn't take it anymore. He kept denying he was doing drugs, and I said if you aren't using then we have to take you to the hospital. Because your behavior is beyond absurd. He refused but agreed to one of those take home tests.
He tested negative for everything and now I feel like a giant idiot. I don't know how long benzos stay in your urine for, and even if he was clean this time. I still can't trust him because we've been down this road many times and had given tests at hospitals and doctors and they've all tested positive.
His mother had dementia and now I'm wondering if all of this bizarre behavior is partly due to that as well.
I can identify with the guilt of which you speak as I once suffered with it too based on the erroneous view that I was responsible for my parents happiness (and health for that matter).
Initially, once I learned my view was erroneous, I just made that my mantra (I'm not responsible for my parents health and happiness) until not only did I 'know' it I 'believed' it too i.e. it stuck. Now I fully accept this view is my reality and the previous view was my insanity.
BTW... I'm not suggestion he did (or didn't), but in the interests of 'open mind' etc it is quite easy to fool the tests with relevent experience. False negatives are quite easy to obtain and as a once practicing alcoholic (and drug user) never underestimate the lengths an addict will go to to statiate the mental obession.
Take it easy
M
Last edited by makomago; 06-22-2015 at 03:39 AM. Reason: omission
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
Great to read your thoughts. Keep coming back. I have found that reaching out for help is the first step to recovery. You might not be able to help your father since many issues around addiction are out of the loved one's control. You didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it. We can get in the way of recovery. By hiding their messes. Fixing their problems. If they can't survive without your help. What happens when you're gone? For 1 minute? 2 minutes? 1 hour? 2 hours? When you're not there to fix the problem - how does he fix it? I think it's insane to put pressure on an individual person to take over hospice care for an elderly person. It's way too much. For some odd reason, people think you owe it to the parent. They make a mess? Clean it up. we don't want anyone to see it. Image is everything. We must look good from the outside. That's more important than FEELING good inside. What frustrates me is the pressure on people to take care of their loved ones seems to put them on a pedestal and that your life...well, just doesn't matter next to your parents.
What I have found when looking for a solution to my problems. What I'm offered and get is not what I originally expected. My father isn't sober. My siblings aren't all of the sudden nice to myself and my wife. My mother hasn't become supportive in the way I'd like her to be. My relationship with my wife is a struggle. The "problems" around me haven't been fixed. What I have found through recovery is RELIEF. I can't fix other people's problems. I can't change people's judgmental attitude towards my choice to live my life (you're "selfish", "self-centered" - don't care about your family - etc, etc). But, I can fix me. I can work on trying to take the best care of me that I can.
I am literally changed. My life isn't rosy and pristeen. But, I feel like I can have a dose of sanity despite being surrounded by crazy. It can get overwhelming at times, and so I have places to go, people to call, places to write.
Good luck to you.
What I have found when looking for a solution to my problems. What I'm offered and get is not what I originally expected. My father isn't sober. My siblings aren't all of the sudden nice to myself and my wife. My mother hasn't become supportive in the way I'd like her to be. My relationship with my wife is a struggle. The "problems" around me haven't been fixed. What I have found through recovery is RELIEF. I can't fix other people's problems. I can't change people's judgmental attitude towards my choice to live my life (you're "selfish", "self-centered" - don't care about your family - etc, etc). But, I can fix me. I can work on trying to take the best care of me that I can.
I am literally changed. My life isn't rosy and pristeen. But, I feel like I can have a dose of sanity despite being surrounded by crazy. It can get overwhelming at times, and so I have places to go, people to call, places to write.
Good luck to you.
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