TroyW

She called this morning, and we had a good 2 hour talk, which is the first time in months. We talk every week, but generally a quick 2 0 - 30 mins to ensure each other is happy & healthy

Guess my oldest brother has been riding her about her drinking again, which has her quite upset. Then she asks me if I think she drinks too much, so I was honest and just said, "yeah, of course you do". I guess that was a little harsh, but I did my best to calm it down by saying nearly everyone in the family has a drinking problem, not just you. Combine everyone in the family's drinking problem, and I individually have you all beat, etc.

Now the difference here is I said this out of love and concern for my mom, because it's true. Someone nearing 70 years of age isn't supposed to drink 4 or 5 bottles of wine a night 2 - 5 days a week. That's not healthy.

My oldest brother on the other hand is apparently being a dick about it, and I'm not sure why he thinks he's in a position to look down on anyone for their drinking issues, when he's not exactly a lightweight himself. He doesn't have an issue putting down a 40oz bottle of rum in one night. There's a difference between being lovingly concerned about someone's bad habits / issues, and being a total dick about it.

Nonetheless, still feel like garbage for hurting my mom. I should note, I'm her favorite, so anything I say is amplified quite a bit compared to anything others say to her. So I know when I said I thought she drank too much, she took it to heart more than she would if anyone else said it.

I don't know, I think a trip to Canada is in order shortly.

chicory

Your mom knows she is drinking too much. She is looking for someone to help her pretend she is ok. That isn't in her best interest. Honesty will be more helpful, and sometimes tough love is helpful in breaking through the denial of a heavy drinker.
I don't know, but if you are her favorite, it could be that your honesty might be what she needs.

My mom was an alcoholic too. I remember enabling her, and wanting her not to have to feel such shame. But they need the consequences, you know?

Perhaps gently suggesting she get help would be a good idea. Strike while the iron is hot, as they say.
best wishes,
chicory

PurpleKnight

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much, the truth is the truth.

When I was drinking I knew I was drinking too much, I just didn't want to do anything about it, so deep down she probably already knows.

Her trying to find comfort in someone telling her that she doesn't have a problem, to enable her to continue on is also not right if you had of not been honest.

It's tough dealing with family, for me dealing with my dad's alcoholism was never easy, but in the end I began to be as blunt and sharp as I could be with regards his drinking, because nothing seemed to be going in, and in the end my dad still died of alcoholism.

I remember thinking I was glad I began to tell my dad how it was and not what he wanted to hear, in the end none of it mattered anyways, but for me peace that I could have done no more was the comfort I got to continue living with.

biminiblue

When I was young, my mother drilled it into me to always tell the truth. I learned that lesson maybe a little too well, but I believe the truth is always the right thing. I know when someone points out my shortcomings it sometimes stings and they are usually right when it does sting.

It's human nature to let our jimmies get rustled when someone points out that we are less than perfect. It doesn't mean that she won't look at herself a little more realistically after all this. Give it some time - and don't back down. This is life and death.

Soberwolf

Canada is a great idea bud you told your mum the truth in a kind way dont beat yourself up

Verte

Parents have favorites?!

It sounds like her alcohol consumption is something that needed to be addressed by the family. Sometimes the message is really tough, no matter the delivery. Heaven knows there are a few conversations with my mother where I could have done much better with the delivery. Now what your mum does with the message is out of your hands. Hopefully for everyone this will effect positive change. After the dust settles you will still be her favorite.

saoutchik

I think you did a good thing Troy. Honesty but without being scornful. As others have said here I expect she knows herself that she is drinking too much but was hoping you were going to say no, your doing fine. That would have not have been a good thing to say even if in the short term it may have made her happy

ownmybehavior

Not sticking up for your brother Troy but I am the oldest of 5 and I know that we all have different opinions of our parents because their actions affect all of us differently. It might be possible that there's more between them that you're not aware of or that he's assigning his own issues to who set his example. I look at all of my siblings and we all see things differently. We also treat each other accordingly. Many many late night booze fueled fights over some legitimate issues, most just plain foolishness.

My 3 sisters are currently warring over the facts surrounding my youngest sister giving up a daughter for adoption when she was 15 that she claims her sisters and mom forced her to do. (BTW the rest of the famliy didn't know this.) My other sisters and their mom did no such thing. I was there and I was 21. Well, the daughter is in the family now and my sister is claiming she had no choice! Imagine that drama. We have interesting Thanksgivings. 14 grandchildren really get a show. Unfortunately sometimes not a good one.

The other possibility, in your case, is that your brother is just a dick.

Stay sober, support your mom by leading a good example, and try to understand your brothers view if possible.

Best to you

OMB

Sasha4

I would say don't ask a hard question if you are not prepared for a hard, honest answer.
Just because she is your mum does not mean you can soften the blow for her by saying, no everything is okay.

As for your brother, its not really any of his business.
She asked you the question, not him.
Personally I see it as poor behaviour for her and him to discuss what you 2 have discussed.
But maybe thats just how I am feeling because my family is causing me problems at the moment.

thomas11

I always tell myself and others that you never have to feel bad about telling the truth. And I'll go to my grave believing in that. I do feel that your brother is wrong. Pot calling the kettle black kind of deal.

Marcher13

Troy I understand what you are saying. Last night I was in an awkward position when a visiting friend (who had downed a few beers and then started on the red) asked me if I thought he drank too much. Truth be told I do think he does and have thought that for ten years or more but then I was very good at drinking too much too.

It was a different situation, not like your comfortable one of chatting privately with your Mum on the phone, he was a guest in my home, at my table with five others and an old friend. I scrabbled around thinking I'd offer a white lie and then I found myself channelling Dee so I said "I dunno. What do you think A?"

Obviously I didn't channel Dee terribly well because he just shrugged his shoulders.

So I didn't further the conversation with him which might have been a disservice as the others were chatting amongst themselves. But I guess, like you with your Mum, I have the opportunity to follow up some time.

silentrun

When I was drinking I didn't realize I was over the edge. I was embarrassed enough to rotate liquor stores but still couldn't see it. Had I asked someone if my drinking was too much I would have liked an honest answer. She really might not know it's not normal. Unsolicited input like what your brother is doing would have made me defensive.

TroyW

Ok, this officially sucks. I've been wracking my mind for days now about how to proceed. I have successfully managed to get both, my mom, oldest brother and one sister-in-law pissed off at me though.

Confirmed, my brother was being an a$$hole. Message was correct, delivery was horrible. That's fine though. My brother is honestly an amazing guy, I love him to no end, and by no means am angry.

Right now, primary focus is my mom, and we can deal with everything else later. She's getting on in her age, so doesn't need to be putting down 5 bottles of wine a night any more. It's my responsibility to convince her to admit to herself that she has a drinking problem, because she will listen to me more than anyone else.

Honestly, I have no clue how to go about it. I guess I could give my brother's route a try, and just get pissed off and scream at her that she's a drunk, but I'm quite confident that won't help anything. If anything, it will lead to her drinking more, not less.

I don't know, I know what to do, but this sucks. My goal is to have her in AA meetings within 6 weeks, but we'll see what happens. We'll deal with everything else later.

Has anyone else done this? How do you go about telling your mom who's 35 years older than you that she has a drinking problem, while she's still in denial about it?

PurpleKnight

I told my dad while he was dying in a hospital AS A RESULT of his drinking problem that he had a drinking problem.

There is nothing in this world wrong with being honest, the truth is the truth and we shouldn't be afraid of it, in the end my dad died and took his denial with him, but whilst he was alive I didn't shy away, and in the end I had to live with that, if I had backed his denial up, I can only imagine the guilt and shame I would now be feeling, but instead I said it how it was, he didn't listen or change, but in the end I did my bit!!

My point being, in my experience in hindsight, what's the worst that can happen?!! . . . my dad changing his ways and still being here Sober?!!

Dee74

My one piece of advice is - do what you feel you need to - but you can't make someone else sober Troy.

They have to want it.

D