countrygirl2014

I'm working with my sponsor about things I can't control. My alcoholic significant other had an awesome week. More than a week. I began to feel secure again. Then last night happened. Drunken, irresponsible, disgusting, same thing different day. I know I can't change him, but am I allowed to be fuming about it? I am confused about what I'm supposed to be working on here. I am furious. I'm supposed to be furious right? How do I cope with this? This is so much work.

Jennifer

venuscat

I'm so sorry Jen.
That must be really tough to deal with.
I know it's painful, but we can't control anyone else.
But that sure doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

I hope and pray that your partner will continue to work on his sobriety.

Sending you love. ♥

happybeingme

Sure you can be angry. Furious even. But, those feelings don't change a thing unless you decide to take action. Are you going to continue to accept your partner doing this? Or are you going to say enough?

Mountainmanbob

Coming from an old drunk who does not drink anymore.
Sure, you can and should feel in such a way.
During my last couple of drinking binges my wife was fed up.

Let him know your true thoughts and feelings.
If you are of what is most important to him.
Possibly, in time he will get with the sober Program.

You may wish to share with him as my wife did with me,
that, "she could and would go on with this condition no longer."

Sure impressed me.

MM

Uplifting

I can completely relate to this feeling, even if my situation may be different, I have felt and gone through this rollercoaster and still on the ride.

Uplifting

Sorry my last reply cut off before I finished. I wanted to say I have been there and there still somewhat and at different times feel furious, shocked, devastated, enraged and incredibly sad and all these are valid and mean something to look at for myself even though I can't control him or the situation, I can still look at myself and my reactions and role and what the costs are for me.. so I am trying that but it is really hard and when the good weeks come, and hope creeps in I find myself all the more devastated. and you are allowed to feel that and makes perfect sense.

I am also wondering if you find working with a sponsor helpful? I started going to Al Anon a few weeks ago and am starting to think about getting one but not sure.. thank you and sending you much peace and kindness at this time..

MIRecovery

I know multiple people in AA that are in ALANON too.

FeelingGreat

If you say to yourself 'I can't control what others do, but I can control my reaction' does that give you more of an idea? His actions are up to him, but you can protect yourself, not be around him, or whatever you need to do.

fluffyflea

You are allowed to have your feelings, it's important not to stifle and deny them. It's also important to acknowledge,feel them then let them go and take action for you!

LexieCat

It's "OK" to feel whatever you feel. The issue will be how you deal with it.

I've found that living in those feelings of furor isn't helpful to me or to anyone else. Once the furor subsides a bit, you will need to consider what your expectations are, and whether they are reasonable. I don't know what your SO is doing for his recovery. I do know that many alcoholics have slips and relapses on the road to it. It doesn't have to be--I never picked up another drink--but it IS fairly common.

What's HIS reaction to his slip? Does he feel bad that it happened, is he more determined than ever to work harder (and smarter) on his recovery? Or does he just toss it off as "part of recovery"? (It isn't--it's part of the disease.) That may be your best clue as to whether this is a serious effort he is making or whether he is just paying lip service to the notion of sobriety. And if he's just toying with it, or trying to make a show of "trying," then he isn't serious and probably not ready to recover yet.

I wouldn't start feeling "secure" about someone else's sobriety for at least a year. Even then there is a risk, but the odds are better.

Rosalba

Alcoholism is confusing and baffling, and tying in your hopes and dreams to the actions of an alcoholic is probably even worse, in my experience.

I don't know if you've come across the expression in Alanon about 'expectations being premeditated resentments' but it's one which I've found useful when dealing with everyday life, not just the alcoholics in it. One thing which you can confidently expect of a drinking alcoholic is that they will drink. Over a week is no time at all in terms of attaining sobriety.

These days, I'd be over the hills and far away at the first sign of heavy drinking in a partner - but I appreciate that this is a step not everyone's ready to take.

In your situation I'd acknowledge my anger, and express it in whatever way seemed most constructive (taking it out on a cupboard which really needed a good cleanout, for example, or a very heavy workout at the gym) and ask myself what it's about. Is it because I'd been expecting and hoping for something which was actually quite unrealistic? Or because I'd been lied to, cheated on and taken for a ride?

Whatever, you can confidently expect more of the same if you stay with this guy. You can ask yourself if you want this, and, when you think of your ideal relationship, the one you really aspire to - does this kind of behaviour feature in it? If you're not ready to leave him, perhaps the way forwards is to work with your sponsor on maintaining your own serenity and wellbeing NO MATTER WHAT.

There's nothing wrong with anger - it's an essential emotion - but it can be used either positively or negatively - the choice is yours.

(By the way, blowing up at the alcoholic is a well-recognised form of enabling so perhaps this is not the way to go...)

hopeful4

Of course you are allowed to be furious. However, don't let it eat you alive b/c that hurts one person, YOU. Thing is, active alcoholism is a cycle. You will have to come to a point where you decide if you can continue on with this cycle with your partner, or not.

Tight hugs to you. I know it's so hard, we are here for you!

NYCDoglvr

Perhaps it's time to consider whether you want this relationship. Acceptance is a process, it took me several tries before I finally "got it" that this person would always be this way. And that the only thing I could do is leave.

POAndrea

I think we are allowed to have whatever feelings we have. Period, full stop. I believe howling, earthshattering rage is a healthy and appropriate response to our A's behaviors. Took me a long time to realize it was ok for me to have an opinion about his behaviors and that my emotional reaction had value, but once I did, whoooo boy! I experienced YEARS of anger, disappointment, and fear all at once, and I really suffered until I learned to put it into a context that was actually useful. I had to do a lot of thinking before I could interpret those feelings as information about what was happening to/in me as well as what was happening around me. I can appreciate those emotions, even when unpleasant, as an indicator "hey--pay attention: this sh!t here is important" and as a fuel for productive action. It sounds odd, but I found more peace when I finally gave myself permission to embrace my anger and use it to drive my growth.

countrygirl2014

I like your comment. Simple and yet made so much sense.

Jennifer